Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been married going on 3 years. Prior to marriage we discussed children and I have always wanted them and my husband felt it was not a must for him. He has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. We had agreed on having one child together after we were married a few years. I rarely bring up the subject becasue he becomes withdrawn and not so excited. He used to say in a few years he's not ready. We have a plan to move out of state once his son is 18. We are both anxious to re-locate. I would like to have a baby now and when we move it would be a bit easier with child care becasue the baby would be school aged by the time we re-locate. We are planning to move several hours away from family so there will be no help with childcare. When I began discussing our plan and things that we need to have in place prior to actually moving I brought up wanting a baby, sooner rather than later. I am emotionally ready for a baby and kind of anxious as I just turned 29. Also, our friends and family around us are starting families and I would like our child to be about the same age as these children becasue we are only planning to have one child and I want this child to have lots of friends and family to have play dates and such. He has decided that he does not want a baby, does not want the responsibility, does not want anything to come between us and the time we do have together. I explained to him that I don't think I can just put the feeling of wanting a child at bay. I know that I will eventually resent him and I don't want that. He said to me, " I just don't understand what the big deal is." He also knows that the alternative is losing me and he doesn't want that to happen but he feels stongly about not wanting a child. He feels like a disappointment because he can not give me what I want. He knew from the get go that I wanted children. I even compromised with the idea of one instead of two. I asked him why he married me, because he loves me and wants to spend forever with me.....just not enough to havea family with.

My dilemma is I am completely in love with this man and cannot imagine my life without him. However, I don't think I can put my desire for a family aside without resenting him later. What do I do? I see him with my niece and nephew and my friends' children and he is wonderful. Always holding them and making over them and playing with them. However, he and his son have a difficult relationship, much in part due to the relationship between mom and dad. She is controlling and he has gone along with whatever she says for years. Dad is stronger on expectations of behavior and grades and mom is more of a friend to the son. When dad lays down the law he lies on his father and on me. The son has broken dad's heart many a times. It's sad to see. I figure much of his change in decsion is due to the recent change in dad and son's relationship. How do I overcome this??

Any advice is greatly appreciated and needed. I really do not want to end my marriage, I beleive strongly in my vowels, but I also have strong feelings of wanting a child of my own. Sorry for the length, so much on my mind and in my heart.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
689 Posts
I take it... your husband is a little older than 29, especially since he has a 13 YO. If i were single today at 38, i know i wouldn't want anymore children, since i already have 3 with my wife. But i would make that VERY clear to anyone i started dating, which would probably prevent me from marrying a woman like yourself who never had a child before.

You have to weigh your options on what's most important. As an outsider, it seems painfully clear that you want a child and he does not. I think any woman who wants a baby... should have a baby so that she experiences the joy of motherhood. If you miss out on this, you will regret it and resent him for the rest of your life. You are kinda at a lose-lose, even if he finally caves in, he will feel like this was forced upon him, despite him already being aware of your thoughts. Any stumbles upon the way, you will get the blame.

Sucky part is... even if you leave, that doesn't guarantee you a future husband is right around the corner. It could be 3 years... 5 years... or 10 years before this comes around again. And i don't have to tell you how much harder it gets to conceive as you get older.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
430 Posts
Tough dilemma. I have a feeling your hubby never had any intentions of having another child, and just hoped he'd convince you to agree. Not fair.

Ask yourself this...would you have married him if he had been completely honest about not wanting any more children? I think that would be very telling about what you should do. If you know in your heart you will have resentments, then your marriage is doomed anyway. But if you truly feel you can be satisfied with the family you have, then embrace your marriage. It's a tough pill to swallow, and like a pp said there's no promise you will have a child should you end the marriage. All it proposes is a possible opportunity.

I don't like how he has saddled you with this....he should have been up front, even if it meant not having you for a wife. Selfish on his part. So unfortunately that leaves you to be the heavy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,256 Posts
@$HLEY:

I was RIGHT WHERE you are back in 1983!

Told my first H that children were a deal-breaker. Said it RIGHT OUT LOUD, no hinting around. He had 2 sons from a previous marriage. He swore up and down that he wanted more kids... until he didn't. Finally told me 2.5 years into the marriage that he didn't really want more kids...that he'd "kept hoping he'd change his mind." Yeah, like WTF? I was VERY ANGRY for a long time about his dishonesty!

We divorced because I KNEW I would resent his dishonesty and interference in becoming a mother. Being a MOM was my dream (as opposed to a career).

Subsequently met married H#2. Had a daughter at 40yo.
Best friend married at 39, had a child at 40yo.
Another friend married at 40, had a child at 42yo.
BEING A MOM is the GREATEST 'career' I could ever imagine (even over my business career).

It's very do-able. You're nowhere near running out of time to have a child. H pulled a bait-and-switch, in my opinion. You've been married less than three years....his relationship with his ex and his son has not changed THAT MUCH in the two years you've been married!

You have to decide, how much will YOU resent not being a mom?

If you can't imagine your life without him, can you imagine a life without a child of your own? Which would you RATHER have?
I know that I will eventually resent him and I don't want that. He said to me, " I just don't understand what the big deal is."
Wow, that quote is unbelievably RUDE! Of course HE doesn't understand...he's GOT "HIS" child! Just because HE'S not enjoying being a parent doesn't mean he can extrapolate that to mean that NO-ONE (or YOU, specifically) would enjoy being a parent.

BTW: Be sure you DO NOT GET PREGNANT by this man! Accidentally would be bad enough, on purpose would be UNFORGIVEABLE! If you "talk him into" having a child, HE will resent YOU AND YOUR CHILD.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
239 Posts
So how would you respond to a wife that believes it's HER choice as to how many kids she wants? That it's HER choice whether she stays at home or not? That's HER choice as to when she becomes pregnant?

It works both ways....at least it did in my failed marriage. It was all about what SHE wanted and there was no room for discussion and compromise. Her attitude was...."If Momma ain't happy, NO ONE is going to be happy!".

Not saying all women are like that but you should Google "Golden Uterus" -- it's an eye opener.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all for your honesty and advice. My husband is 31 and his child is the product of a teenage pregnancy. They were never married. He has always provided and tried to do his best by his son. He is a good kid. Unfortuantely, his actions are the product of his environment.

Nontheless, I love my husband and I do not doubt that he loves me. I am afraid that yes, I will resent him but I also fear that if I would leave, who's to say I would marry again? Aside from this new decision to not want children he is a great man. He has loved me like no other. I may sound like a naive woman, but I am trying to be realistic and practical. I suppose I came to this forum to open up about what's on my mind without judgement. I do not want to talk to my family about this as they are anxious for us to have children. They too see how he will be a great father.

I am just so confused how he can plan to have a child with me and speak of us raising our child to now not wanting one.
I am heartbroken but I don't like to discuss it with him b/c I hate to see the hurt on his face. He is very hard on himself feeling like a disappointment.

I am sorry if this seems like rambeling non-sense. I have so many thoughts and emotions on this, and frankly I don't know what my next move shuold be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,256 Posts
Your next move should be Individual Counseling for YOU so YOU CAN decide how best to proceed. How to frame your future. How to decide whether to stay or whether to go.

Your therapist will be an impartial 3rd party who will help you to find YOUR OWN solution. She won't tell you WHAT to do, she will ask you questions that will help YOU KNOW what it is YOU TRULY want/need to do.

Get into IC right away...it will save you a lot of anguish trying to figure it out on your own.

Good luck, honey! *HUGS*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,329 Posts
You got a real problem. I have a friend who married a man who was divorced with grown children. She didn't have any children and wanted to have a child with her husband. He agreed to it but it was quite apparent that he was having kids under pressure.

They lasted less than a year after the baby was born and they got divorced. He saw his son for a little while but now he hasn't seen him in years.

End result: She's a single mother with a son who has never known his father. :(

You might be able to pressure your husband to have a baby and because he loves you and is afraid of losing you, he might agree at first in order to keep you, but having a child is such a life altering experience, such a commitment of time, money and emotion that it's not something to be taken lightly.

And if one person is into childrearing and the other isn't then it's a recipe for disaster.

Sometimes it DOE work out. I have another friend who didn't want kids and his wife promised that they WOULDN'T have kids. Then she changed her mind and pressured him into it. Now he's a devoted father and couldn't imagine life without his daughter.

So it can work in the other direction as well. But are you willing to gamble on that? You need to be ready for the worst case scenario, even while hoping for the best.

Your husband did you a great disservice by not being honest with himself and to you. But he would be doing a greater disservice to an innocent child by fathering one and then not being a good father or not being there at all.

Don't do that to a child. Don't force your husband to be a father if he really doesn't want one. Both you and your child will never be happy. In fact, you'll be lonely, miserable and angry and resentful. So will your husband.

It might be a good idea to separate for awhile and go into counseling. It will give your husband some time to think as well as yourself. Do it NOW, before you make a final decision about your marriage and your life. You are still young and there's still time. Even if there wasn't, this is too important a decision to make without a lot of thought and consideration.

Now is the time to come to grips with this, not after you've had a baby.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
307 Posts
My husband and I have been married going on 3 years. Prior to marriage we discussed children and I have always wanted them and my husband felt it was not a must for him. He has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. We had agreed on having one child together after we were married a few years. I rarely bring up the subject becasue he becomes withdrawn and not so excited. He used to say in a few years he's not ready. We have a plan to move out of state once his son is 18. We are both anxious to re-locate. I would like to have a baby now and when we move it would be a bit easier with child care becasue the baby would be school aged by the time we re-locate. We are planning to move several hours away from family so there will be no help with childcare. When I began discussing our plan and things that we need to have in place prior to actually moving I brought up wanting a baby, sooner rather than later. I am emotionally ready for a baby and kind of anxious as I just turned 29. Also, our friends and family around us are starting families and I would like our child to be about the same age as these children becasue we are only planning to have one child and I want this child to have lots of friends and family to have play dates and such. He has decided that he does not want a baby, does not want the responsibility, does not want anything to come between us and the time we do have together. I explained to him that I don't think I can just put the feeling of wanting a child at bay. I know that I will eventually resent him and I don't want that. He said to me, " I just don't understand what the big deal is." He also knows that the alternative is losing me and he doesn't want that to happen but he feels stongly about not wanting a child. He feels like a disappointment because he can not give me what I want. He knew from the get go that I wanted children. I even compromised with the idea of one instead of two. I asked him why he married me, because he loves me and wants to spend forever with me.....just not enough to havea family with.

My dilemma is I am completely in love with this man and cannot imagine my life without him. However, I don't think I can put my desire for a family aside without resenting him later. What do I do? I see him with my niece and nephew and my friends' children and he is wonderful. Always holding them and making over them and playing with them. However, he and his son have a difficult relationship, much in part due to the relationship between mom and dad. She is controlling and he has gone along with whatever she says for years. Dad is stronger on expectations of behavior and grades and mom is more of a friend to the son. When dad lays down the law he lies on his father and on me. The son has broken dad's heart many a times. It's sad to see. I figure much of his change in decsion is due to the recent change in dad and son's relationship. How do I overcome this??

Any advice is greatly appreciated and needed. I really do not want to end my marriage, I beleive strongly in my vowels, but I also have strong feelings of wanting a child of my own. Sorry for the length, so much on my mind and in my heart.
There isn't a good answer to this problem. It all depends upon how much you want a child. If it's something that is so important to you then this marriage isn't going to work. If it's something that you really would like but can live without then the marriage can work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
430 Posts
I am just so confused how he can plan to have a child with me and speak of us raising our child to now not wanting one.
I am heartbroken but I don't like to discuss it with him b/c I hate to see the hurt on his face. He is very hard on himself feeling like a disappointment.
He never had any intention of having a child. But he knew full well that you 100% wanted a child. He is only disappointed that you still want what you always said you wanted. I''m sorry, but he was completely dishonest with you. Realize that. And then, decide what means more....having a child or staying married, with no children of your own. But staying because "who's to say I'll ever marry again" is not an answer. That's called settling. Decide what you truly want for yourself, what matters most. For me, I always knew I wanted children. Someone who didn't was a deal breaker for me. The number of children was always negotiable, but I knew I wanted to be a mom.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top