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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm new here and could really use some advice. 2 years ago I found out my husband was having an affair for about 2 years. That affair produced a child. The child was already 3 months old when I found out. My husband and I agreed to work on our marriage. He called her that day and ended everything on the phone. We then began the long process of healing. During that time the other woman was calling and harrassing us just about every week. It was a nightmare. It made is so hard to focus on getting our marriage back on track. I became pregnant with our second child (that we both wanted) during this time. In April of last year I gave birth to a beautiful little boy. It brought us closer together.

During this time the other woman was calling at least 2-3 times a week asking for money and yelling at my husband. She even went so far as to chase my husband down in her car and block him from getting to our home. The cops were called that day and our phone number was changed about 1 week later. She then started showing up at my husbands work to harrass him. He told me on September 3 2012 that he yelled at her and told her to stay away from him. All was quiet after that day. To quiet. I started getting this uneasy feeling again in my stomach that something was not right.

Fast forward to yesterday. My husband has been distant and borderline mean to me in the last few months. He wasn't the being the open book that he was before. He was pushing me away. Well, I caught him in a lie. Found out that he has been seeing this other woman again for at least a few months and that he has feelings for her. He said he doesn't love me and hasn't loved me in a long time. I asked him if he would stop seeing her so we could focus on us and our growing family and he said he doesn't want to stop seeing her. He says there's nothing that can be done to save our marriage because he's just not into it.

We have a 6 year old and a 9 month old. He loved me during this whole crazy time. I could see it in his eyes. You just can't fake it. He showed it in his actions. Now all of a sudden he doesn't love me and wants to leave us to go and be a family with her and his other child.

My heart is breaking right now. Not only for me but for my kids. He is being so selfish right now. I don't understand how he went from not being able to stand her to having feelings for her so fast.

My question is, how can I snap him out of this and make him see what he's doing? I cried all last night and pretty much begged him to try again and cut off ties with her and he said he didn't want to. Help me!
 

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He ended it with her but what about the child? He needs to pay support and/or be in the child's life.

Horrible situation, I can't even imagine.

I would divorce. Yup.

And yes, they CAN fake it. They can be THAT good. I know from experience.

He never "couldn't stand her". He just said that to you. He had a child with her. He was having sex with her while you were pregnant and taking care of his home and child. Disgusting.

You deserve someone who loves YOU. Not someone who lies, cheats, fakes it, and worse...pretends.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I just told his uncle last night who is a pastor. I am desperate to save our marriage. I know he loves me but he's just in this la la land. Should I tell his parents too?
 

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What he did is clearly wrong, cheating and producing a child etc. but at the end of the day that's still his child too isn't it? Have you stopped him seeing the child?

If the OW is harassing him to pay the child support than that's what he should do.
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Don't assume anything. You "Know" he loves you? By? What actions show he loves you?

Don't be desperate. I know right now things seem crazy and you are just trying to put things back to "normal"...but your marriage is forever changed. And he's not "in it". Don't speak for him. He's in la la land by choice. Don't forget that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
We've got an arrangment as far as the child goes, what I'm working on now is repairing my marriage. The child is taken care of don't worry.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He was not with her in any way shape or form during my pregnancy. He just started seeing her again in late November early December. He was actually working on getting a restraining order up until September of last year. He's filed serveral reports.
 

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Is he still living at home? You should give him an ultimatum and say that it's either YOU or her. You can't force someone to love you.
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I just told his uncle last night who is a pastor. I am desperate to save our marriage. I know he loves me but he's just in this la la land. Should I tell his parents too?
The first time you rugswept and gave him trust and were nice to him. That meant that other than her scenes of acting out, he faced no consequences for his 2 year betrayal.

It meant that the only thing preventing him hooking back up with her was him. I'm betting she kept throwing herself at him, until she finally found him at the right moment and she gave him a lot of crazy chick sex.

She's obviously a nut job high drama chick, and frankly crazy chicks are very good in bed. So she basically is trading that to him knowing that guys associate passionate sex with emotional connection.

My advice is to realize you won't be able to nice or guilt him back home, but if you can drive a wedge into their relationship her natural drama and crazy will get turned against him and will drive him away and give you a chance.

Wide exposure is an important start. Make it hard or impossible for him to seamlessly integrate her into his life. Drive a wedge there that makes the people in his life treat her badly, and to see her as the OW.

Post her on cheaterville.com. Send the link around.

File for D and ask for every dime he's got. You can always cancel the D if you guys R. Your goals here are 1. Create stress for him which hopefully he dumps on her 2. Reduce his ability to pay for her and the attractiveness of his paycheck. 3. Show him consequences for his choice.

I'm not suggesting you become nasty directly to him. Instead be cool and cold. Inform him each time this is what he is choosing to do, if he wants to choose his actual family then these things won't be happening.
 

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We don't know if the OW is a crazy chick.

We don't know WHAT he is telling HER.
 

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The first time you rugswept and gave him trust and were nice to him. That meant that other than her scenes of acting out, he faced no consequences for his 2 year betrayal.

It meant that the only thing preventing him hooking back up with her was him. I'm betting she kept throwing herself at him, until she finally found him at the right moment and she gave him a lot of crazy chick sex.

She's obviously a nut job high drama chick, and frankly crazy chicks are very good in bed. So she basically is trading that to him knowing that guys associate passionate sex with emotional connection.

My advice is to realize you won't be able to nice or guilt him back home, but if you can drive a wedge into their relationship her natural drama and crazy will get turned against him and will drive him away and give you a chance.

Wide exposure is an important start. Make it hard or impossible for him to seamlessly integrate her into his life. Drive a wedge there that makes the people in his life treat her badly, and to see her as the OW.

Post her on cheaterville.com. Send the link around.

File for D and ask for every dime he's got. You can always cancel the D if you guys R. Your goals here are 1. Create stress for him which hopefully he dumps on her 2. Reduce his ability to pay for her and the attractiveness of his paycheck. 3. Show him consequences for his choice.

I'm not suggesting you become nasty directly to him. Instead be cool and cold. Inform him each time this is what he is choosing to do, if he wants to choose his actual family then these things won't be happening.
:iagree:

This. Anything less and you're just wasting your time.
 

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I just told his uncle last night who is a pastor. I am desperate to save our marriage. I know he loves me but he's just in this la la land. Should I tell his parents too?
YES!! They have another grandchild, they deserve to know!!

This would personally be my worst fear. I couldnt stand to think my husband had an affair that produced a child and I had that as a reminder for the rest of my life. It would be horrible! I'd probably walk away! You deserve better. You gave him a chance and he blew it!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
She should have thought about the fact that he wasn't going to be a full time dad when she decided to go off the pill to keep him (which she admitted to doing). We wanted to work on our marriage and get a strong foundation back before we introduced the child into the picture. The child was a newborn and would have not remembered anything. If she would have left us alone to rebuild, my husband might have played a bigger part in the childs life by now but she chose to stalk us and cause alot of feelings of hate. Not towards the child just her and the whole situation at hand.

My husband truely did not like her. I used to hear him on the phone with her. There was no love. Believe me. He would get off the phone and come and give me a kiss and tell me he loves me. He would then thank me for giving him a chance and putting up with everything.
 

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Lots of excuses. What about you? Who cares what he feels or she feels. What do YOU feel.
 
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