[bdl]

Hi, I've been married a little over 5 years (married at 19) with a 5 year old son at home. My marriage has been anything but easy and my husband had an affair with a girl he used to date in HS. Very unfortunately he got her pregnant even though she claimed to be on bc for 4 years and it was part of her routine, their relationship consisted of him calling her up to have sex when he was belligerently drunk, not condoning it but his intention was not to leave his family or to start a new one just to get off and "she made it easy", his words. She made a claim to be pregnant about 2 weeks after they had sex, he told her that he was in no way able to nor did he want to have any part in this, she wanted to keep seeing him I guess so they continued a sexual relationship but did NOT talk about the pregnancy at all (according to him). Of course after a month he decided to start pulling away from her due to the fact that she started making threats to tell me, tell his family, run off with the baby etc if he did not divorce me and move out immediately. realizing that what he had done was about to change his life and cause some serious problems he reached out to me admitted the affair and I found out about the pregnancy. My first reaction was SHE IS LYING! I've know this girl a long time we all worked together in hs thats how we all met he dated me then dated her than dated me and married me, something I know she was not ok with she doesn't like me and has gone after my husband trying to "reclaim" him before and is totally the type to think that a baby is gonna get her what she wants. So I obviously was thinking that she was trying to scare him into leaving me and that it wasn't true. I told him to tell me everything she told him about the pregnancy and what nights the slept together and he did, he was 100% honest and it seemed like there was a 50/50 chance she was lying, he said on jan 15 after his bowling league was over he was drunk texted her to come get him and he accidentally "went" inside her (no they didn't use a condom, and yes I know he is a total ****ing idiot, I remind him everyday, we are in counseling i'm working on my anger).
So basically we have been working on our marriage and our communication, his priorities have completely changed and he is 100% committed to our marriage and family, he has changed his email and blocked her # from calling texting basically contacting him all together, this pissed her off and she proceeded to text me and tell me that she's "not trying to be a ***** but..." I told her she didn't need to tell me anything because I already know everything, that caught her off guard and she got mad and started going on about how he has to pay her medical bill and child support and all kinds of stuff and that she already has a lawyer. I told her as soon as paternity is established then he will accept the consequences of his mistakes. recently she has come out to facebook that she is pregnant (so she isn't lying). My husband and I have talked about it and his decision is to pay support if that is the route she decides to go, he has no idea of her intentions since they have not had any communication since feb and she knew that he didn't want any involvement from the start leaving he plenty of time to seek alternate routes. she decided to keep the baby knowing he is married with a child at home and he did not want to be a part of it. That's HER choice not mine and I respect it end of story, but what comes with that is knowledge that she will be 100% a single mother with a check in the mail. I have to protect my son from his fathers mistakes he has always been a good father and a good husband he takes care of us 100% and it's just unfortunate that in a low point of our marriage he turned to drinking and trying to make himself feel better by reaching out to someone who would only bring him down further. A lot of this is me venting I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of his mistake i.e. emotionally, mentally and actively calling lawyers researching everything! and he really wants to "move on" and it seems like he isn't living in reality, he is acting like its not happening at all. I just want to know if there is any light at the end of the tunnel, how do you live your life normally? any insight would really help me I'm having a roller coaster of emotions, but I do love my husband and I am willing to work this out with him as frustrating and hurtful as it is, counseling seems to help but I just have nobody who I can relate to, and I'm scared of what the future holds.:scratchhead:

 

[sunshinetoday]

I know there are others on this site who have been through the same siuation. I'm so sorry for you to have to be going through this! But no matter what, DNA test must be done and then you can truly decide what you want for you and your son. He doesn't ever have to see the child, just write a check for 18 yrs. But the OW could periodically take him to court for increases and stuff. If he does have a relationship w.the child at some point you will be seeing the OW. Can you live with that? Good luck you will get good advice here.

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums

 

[lamaga]

OMG. Details don't matter. You need to get out of this situation ASAP.

 

[Hope1964]

OMG. Details don't matter. You need to get out of this situation ASAP.

Details don't matter?!?!?! What are you ON?

Have you ever been cheated on?

 

[bdl]

Yes, I feel like we are sitting ducks because everything is up to her so we are kind of just waiting around for him to get served to submit to a paternity test, which is so stressful but all we can do. His focus is to do what he should have done in the first place which is to work out our problems and be there for his family, his decision is to not take part in the child's life but he will also not avoid his financial obligation if she decides not to take anything to court then he said he is good either way. I know the OW doesn't want him to be involved either because he decided to work it out with me which may deter her from seeking support as that would open the door for him to have rights to the child, I just don't know . As far as I'm concerned they are both extremely selfish people, but he is my husband and I know he is actively working on that. I'm just a mess but thank you I really hope to gain some insight and I'm happy I found this site!

 

[lamaga]

Yes, Hope, I have been cheated on. Would you like me to post my other bona fides?

 

[bdl]

being cheated on is something that is very serious I don't take this lightly at all, but i'm not so quick to drop my husband and I'm not looking to have to defend my choice just simply want someone to relate to.

 

[Hope1964]

Yes, Hope, I have been cheated on. Would you like me to post my other bona fides?

That would be nice

 

[Hope1964]

being cheated on is something that is very serious I don't take this lightly at all, but i'm not so quick to drop my husband and I'm not looking to have to defend my choice just simply want someone to relate to.

There are a few of us here who have been cheated on, and maybe even some whose WH got another woman pregnant.

I hope your hubby is doing everything he can to prove he's not cheating any more. Mine is, and although he didn't father a child, we're together and very happy today. Do some more reading - you sound like you have things under control.

 

[bdl]

yes counseling has actually helped in a big way and he is an open book these days. We have been doing really well but he has a hard time understanding why I still get depressed or angry sometimes it makes him feel like I don't love him because I'm not "moving on" from it,but I think it mostly just hurts him to see me hurting and stressed out over his poor choices.

 

[iheartlife]

I am so glad to hear your in counseling and that it seems to be working. I pray that he has hit rock bottom and had the huge wakeup call he needed to see the error of his ways. You weren't clear--what combination of you and him in IC, and both in MC, are you going through?

Have you both been tested for STDs?

I would check out the books, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This last book in particular has some excellent passages describing how the betrayed spouse feels. If you can read them aloud to your husband it may help him understand where you're coming from.

Discovering an affair and reconciling produces a roller coaster of emotions. With the pregnancy involved, you sadly have the issue of continuing to be tied to the OW and your future is hanging up in the air.

Here is what I saw with my husband; he of course knew all about the affair because he was IN it; so for him, me discovering it was sort of a big bang and then he was ready to move on. Of course for me, it was the total opposite. I had this horrible sensation that reality as I knew it was a total farce, it had been smashed into a million pieces and I had to construct a new reality out of all of that. So for him, the circle was complete, while for me, I wasn't even sure what shape to draw, and complete seems like something I will never entirely attain.

 

[bdl]

Yes we are gaining a lot from counseling I started out doing IC because he wasn't ready or sure he wanted to stay in the marriage because of the things he had done he felt were not forgivable and that our marriage could not recover... but now we are in MC and I think he actually is getting more out of it that I even am, which actually makes me feel better because he is definitely not a talker and I have no problem in that department.
We have not been tested yet but I know it's important and needs to be done!
I see that with my husband he says that he loves me and you know his intentions are good at this point but he gets frustrated with me and my emotions because he does not like to think about the things he did. "sweeping things under the rug" seems to be his specialty and I call him out on it and I try to remind him of what the counselor has helped us with and it's such a process sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I feel the exact same way, for my husband the circle is complete too, he sees it as there is no more affair so when I ask questions he will get defensive or deflect them because it happened so long ago (for him), I just find that I do have to remind him that just because you have reconciled your emotions over it and it happened a long time ago for you I am new to it and just now starting to process how all of this happened on top of the negative effects having a child out of our marriage will have on our lives and our child together life. So much has gone into our marriage and family I feel it would be a shame to throw it away on a weak time but I've always been an optimist so we will see where it gets me.

 

[iheartlife]

If you can get him to read just a chapter or two of Not Just Friends, the book I mentioned above, you might be surprised to see the light bulb go on and to understand what you're going through. I read aloud long passages to my husband because I felt they were so deadly accurate and well-written. Sometimes hearing it from an objective source--a book written by a therapist who has counseled many marriages suffering from betrayal--can help a disloyal spouse get an inkling of what you're going through.

 

[bdl]

TY that's is definitely something I will look into!

 

[Kallan Pavithran]

Cheaters are ashamed of what they have done, so they want to rug sweep it and BS to get over it as soon as possible. Many WS cant understand the gravity of their heinous act.

Paternity test should be done, because you or your husband dont know with how many others she is sleeping with. If you didn't done the STD test do that immediately.

Your husband being remorseful and ready to work on your marriage is a good sign. Both of you read some books, it can help him to understand the gravity of your pain.

Good luck for your family.

 

[Softly Walking]

I was going to write some pretty harsh things here but thought better of it.
You say you want to protect your child... what happens if this child is his and turns up in 20 years looking for "dad" - then what are you going to tell your kid? Mommy and daddy knew about this child but choose to lie to you rather than be honest, that other kid was nothing but a mistake - it should have been aborted but it's mom was too selfish?
What happens if your kid grows up, meets the other kid - they fall in love and get married (it happens) - then what?

 

[sunshinetoday]

Even if he choses not to have a relationship with the OW child, it doesn't mean they can't tell their son about when he is old enough to understand. ?!

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

I personally think if she's going to have this child, that yes the child should be in your life too. The child has a brother and you are the step mother. Set up visitation and love this child as your own. The child is innocent. There is no excuse for what your husband did. Nothing can justify his wrongful actions.

I've been cheated on before several times with my ex h. There is absolutely no excuse for it. Your husband didn't accidently get her pregnant. It happened due to her ovulating and him having a full blown affair. This OW is in love with your husband and I can see why.

Personally, I'd leave. This is not a fight worth fighting for. I wouldn't doubt if he did this again. My ex h has slept with 3 women on his current wife. I'm sure it's more, but I know because he told my daughter when she was 15.

I remarried and I have the most wonderful loyal husband. It's nice not having to trust someone. My husband now is home 100% of the time unless he's working.

Good luck to you! I wish you the best in whatever happens. You have a long road to follow.

 

[381917]

So sorry for your situation.I think that you should talk to a lawyer ASAP. Even if you plan to stay together,from what I understand it may be financially advisable for you to divorce him and get a child support order for your child before hers is born. I'm sure it differs depending on where you live, but from what I understand, the first child that support is ordered to gets the biggest percentage. Support for later children is calculated based on income after paying support for previous children. I'm sure it would be a shame for you and him to end up divorcing in the future and know that he is paying more child support for the product of his affair than he is paying for your child.

 

[iheartlife]

So sorry for your situation.I think that you should talk to a lawyer ASAP. Even if you plan to stay together,from what I understand it may be financially advisable for you to divorce him and get a child support order for your child before hers is born. I'm sure it differs depending on where you live, but from what I understand, the first child that support is ordered to gets the biggest percentage. Support for later children is calculated based on income after paying support for previous children. I'm sure it would be a shame for you and him to end up divorcing in the future and know that he is paying more child support for the product of his affair than he is paying for your child.

You are probably surprised to read the above post but it illustrates the importance of getting the best legal advice for the situation you're in.