Talk About Marriage banner

41 - 60 of 87 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,076 Posts
A threesome in this situation is a bad idea, IMO. How long did your affair last? If he feels he needs to go outside the marriage for some sex in order to balance the books, so to speak, then give him a hall pass that lasts for the length of your affair, to start when he wants (but limit it to the next two years, say). He may not use it, but having the option may go a long way to helping him move on.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,707 Posts
I think he's just using it for justification for his own cheating urges, opportunistic. And we don't know if he's already cheated either. Either way, I'd just tell him, Go for it, but not be his pimp. He won't get anywhere in all likelihood.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,245 Posts
A threesome in this situation is a bad idea, IMO. How long did your affair last? If he feels he needs to go outside the marriage for some sex in order to balance the books, so to speak, then give him a hall pass that lasts for the length of your affair, to start when he wants (but limit it to the next two years, say). He may not use it, but having the option may go a long way to helping him move on.
How is that in anyway going to help their marriage?Two wrongs never make a right.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
13,704 Posts
Your husband wants to have a threesome with another man? How in the world would that possibly help him heal?? He's probably having enough mind movies. The last thing he needs is actually seeing you **** and suck another man. Seriously. Why does he think it would help?
Been thinking about something similar - it could be that he wants to have a MMF threesome so that he can put these mind movies to rest.
Alternatively, similar to rape victims he could be seeking some measure of control which he feels that he had lost - to overcome his trauma.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,034 Posts
I had an affair ..... we’ve recovered well.

We are stronger than ever but he is still struggle with this intrusive thought of having a threesome. It stems from the man I had an affair with at one point asked if my husband would join. I never thought it would be taken well so I never asked. Now my husband feels like he missed out even though originally he’d never want one. He says he knows that doing this act just once will fully help him recover. It terrifies me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and come super close with God. I don’t feel like it is ok to do because of our faith either. I feel like I owe him but I don’t want to do it and cause damage to myself. Any advice??
It sounds like you are trying to help your husband heal from your being unfaithful. That is good.

It is not good to invite another person into the intimacy of your marriage, you know that now. You don't need to do things that violate your own boundaries.

If I were you I would suggest that you sit down with your H and tell him you have been thinking bout his request for a threesome and you need to learn more about how this will help him heal.

If it is true, then tell him that you have mostly healed from your affair. That the realization that you did things that betrayed your marriage vows to your H and your belief in what marriage should be emotionally ripped you apart. You were very mad with yourself and ashamed of your actions and do not want to ever put yourself in such a situation again. However, you do want to help him heal. Because of that you want to know how having a three some will help him heal. You want to understand what is going on in his mind as if you agree to it, you will rip yourself apart emotionally and have to start the healing process again, but from an even lower place.

Listen carefully to what it is that he hopes to gain from having a threesome. Ask if he understands that it will force you to again confront your shameful actions and start your healing process again. Let him know that you had promised yourself you would never do such a thing again, but that your love for him makes you want to consider his needs in addition to your own. Make sure he explains in detail what he hopes to gain emotionally from the threesome. His reasons might surprise you. If need be, schedule some time with a sex therapist so the two of you can explore his desire for a threesome, especially if it is an MFM as it sounds in your post.

If it is MFM, he could have a Hot Wife cuckold fantasy. It could be a power exchange fantasy where he makes you do things you don't want to do as punishment. It could be a deep secret he has had for years before you met him. he might even be bi-curious. The point is you don't know until the two of you talk about it. If you really think it might help him heal, offer first to role play that three some, just the two of you with him playing the part of the two men or if need be you playing the part of one of the men. After role playing he may have gotten enough of what he needs emotionally to move on and you may have picked up a secret sex game for just the two of you.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,613 Posts
If it is true, then tell him that you have mostly healed from your affair.
Additionally, tell him you've learned the things you did with your boyfriend that you never did with him was not that important or enjoyable anyway. Back a number of years ago, I healed from an affair with the help of a good dose of antibiotics.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Young at Heart

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,776 Posts
It sounds like he should just divorce you and go have his fun, you got to have yours now it's his turn. Or is it your thinking only you are aloud to have some fun.

I don't think this should be done in a marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,175 Posts
Been thinking about something similar - it could be that he wants to have a MMF threesome so that he can put these mind movies to rest.
Alternatively, similar to rape victims he could be seeking some measure of control which he feels that he had lost - to overcome his trauma.
There are many possibilities.
If it's a FMF threesome, he may want to exact some measure of revenge.
If it's a MMF threesome, one of the worst possibilities is that he wants to degrade her because she has become cheap in his mind as a result of her affair. In other words, treat her like the **** he thinks she is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
2 guys? There's an offer I wouldn't be able to refuse. ;)

I think your hubby has been thinking about some other guy tossing you around and it's really got him turned on. Has your sex been off the chats since?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
13,704 Posts
There are many possibilities.
If it's a FMF threesome, he may want to exact some measure of revenge.
If it's a MMF threesome, one of the worst possibilities is that he wants to degrade her because she has become cheap in his mind as a result of her affair. In other words, treat her like the **** he thinks she is.
Surprised you mentioned this.

As it is very possible as well; if marriage wasn't involved and I didn't love my partner a part of me would even consider this line of thinking so I understand this mentality. Might even pimp, pass around to my mates. But that's excluding marital arrangements.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #52
Been thinking about something similar - it could be that he wants to have a MMF threesome so that he can put these mind movies to rest.
Alternatively, similar to rape victims he could be seeking some measure of control which he feels that he had lost - to overcome his trauma.
Yes this is exactly his words. It would help the replay of it subside. He’s not a controlling type. He’s been very forgiving and helpful in all this.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
13,704 Posts
Yes this is exactly his words. It would help the replay of it subside. He’s not a controlling type. He’s been very forgiving and helpful in all this.
Damn, hate being right.

Now at least 6 possibilities that could happen if you go ahead:

1) You enjoy it visibly, and he finds himself enjoying it, he starts wanting more of it, and you opened pandora's box of new possibilities both potentially good and bad.
2) You enjoy it visibly, and he finds out all the traumatic mind movies he's been having are actually real. More damage is done.
3) Regardless of your enjoyment, he finds himself enjoying it, he starts wanting more of it, but looks you much differently compared to before. More damage is done. (See post #51)
4) You don't visibly enjoy it, and he feels like you are holding back, undermining the attempts to put the mind movies to rest. More damage is done.
5) You don't visibly enjoy it, and he gets what he wants, puts his mind movies to rest, but he doesn't move on, as you just had sex with another man in front of him. More damage is done.
6) You don't visibly enjoy it, and he gets what he wants, puts his mind movies to rest, and you both move on.

Sad to say, but it's the throw of the die here, and although the percentages are not equivalent, roughly 67% chance of more damage being done, 16-17% chance of opening a new can of worms, and 16-17% chance he will get the closure he needs. My guess though, number 6 would be 3% chance, more likely 4 and 5. But these are just wild guesses, add in your knowledge of your circumstances into the mix and you should be able to determine if this is a gamble worth taking. If you feel number 6 has good odds - and your opinion would be better than ours, then sure.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #54
So lemme see if I got this straight- You got freaky with some other dude and had wild porn sex and talked about doing all sorts of kinky **** while your H was at home watching the kids and paying the bills.

But now now that he wants to get freaky, you are suddenly all holy and religious and can’t indulge his kinky side because that would be against your faith.

In other words cheating and getting down with this other dude when your H doesn’t know about it is ok, but when he wants to take a walk on the wild side, your “faith” won’t allow it.

What church is this? I may want to join it if I can do whatever pervy stuff I want to do, but if someone else wants to indulge I can play the God card.

What church is that and how do I apply for membership?

Wow. You’re more bitter than he ever was. He wasn’t at home paying the bills. I pay the bills. I went thru an entire repentance process for 5 months so no I didn’t just “have my fun” and now acting all goody.
You really don’t understand people can change. I’m not playing any card. I would do it for him if I know it 100% fix his intrusive thoughts. I worry it will lead to more destructive behaviors.
Luckily, you’re not God. I’d hate to be married to you considering you hold yourself higher than anyone else. You’re probably a narcissist who thinks they do no wrong and everyone owes them. I feel sorry for anyone with you. You’re a judgmental prick.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #55
Damn, hate being right.

Now at least 6 possibilities that could happen if you go ahead:

1) You enjoy it visibly, and he finds himself enjoying it, he starts wanting more of it, and you opened pandora's box of new possibilities both potentially good and bad.
2) You enjoy it visibly, and he finds out all the traumatic mind movies he's been having are actually real. More damage is done.
3) Regardless of your enjoyment, he finds himself enjoying it, he starts wanting more of it, but looks you much differently compared to before. More damage is done. (See post #51)
4) You don't visibly enjoy it, and he feels like you are holding back, undermining the attempts to put the mind movies to rest. More damage is done.
5) You don't visibly enjoy it, and he gets what he wants, puts his mind movies to rest, but he doesn't move on, as you just had sex with another man in front of him. More damage is done.
6) You don't visibly enjoy it, and he gets what he wants, puts his mind movies to rest, and you both move on.

Sad to say, but it's the throw of the die here, and although the percentages are not equivalent, roughly 67% chance of more damage being done, 16-17% chance of opening a new can of worms, and 16-17% chance he will get the closure he needs. My guess though, number 6 would be 3% chance, more likely 4 and 5.

Thank you for that. Seriously helps. These are the types of things that I’ve been looking to talk thru with him. So I appreciate your candidness and transparency.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,773 Posts
Well, you didn't have a threesome with the other guy. I don't understand why you even told your husband that bit - was it an attempt to downplay the betrayal? Have you offered him a hall pass as a get even card?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,738 Posts
Entertaining your husband in this clearly disturbing fashion will do neither of you any good.

I was serious about the spanking.

It would be a far healthier outlet.

Do not include another person in your marriage.

There have been enough interlopers in your vagina already right?

You are right to be against this and want to get on the straight and narrow here.

Going sideways with a threesome on top of your faithlessness will definitely cause more damage to both of you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,287 Posts
Wow. You’re more bitter than he ever was. He wasn’t at home paying the bills. I pay the bills. I went thru an entire repentance process for 5 months so no I didn’t just “have my fun” and now acting all goody.
You really don’t understand people can change. I’m not playing any card. I would do it for him if I know it 100% fix his intrusive thoughts. I worry it will lead to more destructive behaviors.
Luckily, you’re not God. I’d hate to be married to you considering you hold yourself higher than anyone else. You’re probably a narcissist who thinks they do no wrong and everyone owes them. I feel sorry for anyone with you. You’re a judgmental prick.

@Jpsully

A little bit projecting some anger here?

Sounds like you may know on some level you have some stepping up to do as well. Hence an outburst at a non hostile reply from @oldshirt .
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #59
Not hostile at all. Or angry. I’m happy in my marriage. I think @oldshirt must have been hurt in the past and is upset they didn’t have the same outcome.
I asked for advice and not to be criticized.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #60
Well, you didn't have a threesome with the other guy. I don't understand why you even told your husband that bit - was it an attempt to downplay the betrayal? Have you offered him a hall pass as a get even card?
I told him just because I wanted to give him every bit of information about the affair.
He said he doesn’t want a hallpass. It’s more of wanting to play out what’s in his head to put him at ease.
I welcomed him to do what he wanted if he felt he needed to get even but he’s declined numerous times
 
41 - 60 of 87 Posts
Top