[sad.wife]

hi

im new here and i came for some help...thank you for reading.

im 26 and my husband is 33.we are Asian.we have been married for 2+ years and we have been in a relationship for 6 years.i love him so much and it was all good till august.we had fights, may be once a month but we always became OK in 2-3 days.

we had a fight on august over a housework problem and i said something bad to him asking why he didn't do it.he wanted to leave me and go away.after much talk he stayed.

but he says he doesn't love me anymore and he wants a divorce. i said please let's work on this maybe you ll love me again after some time.so he agreed to it and we are waiting to see if he can forgive me and love me again.

he says its not that fight alone which made him not love me.he says all the past fights were on his mind.and they all added up and kept boiling in his mind while i was thinking everything is OK.
i guess we didn't know how to solve fights without one of us keeping a score card.

when he said he doesn't love me it was a total shock for me.i thought when he said "i love you" that was forever.right now i feel rejected unattractive and not deserving love.im in pain and its like the earth had been pulled out from under my feet and im falling.it hurts so much.

he has done some bad things but i ve never said i don't love him.when i said that he says those things were different mistakes each time and he corrected his mistakes after one time but i kept doing the same thing.his main complaint is i fight with him when he is going to work/at work. i admit that
im an emotional person and i cant wait to solve when there is a problem.so im going to be careful about that from now on.

i just want his love back... now when i come home from work and try to talk, he reads or uses the phone.he doesn't want to spend time with me and is on his computer even when im home.(that's 3 hours of awake time everyday)i don't have a computer. he does not touch kiss or hug me. our intimate life was great.we don't have money problems.this was so out of the blue that i cant sleep at night and i spend hours thinking what went wrong and crying.

i want some help. any advice on what to do in this situation will be great.im lost.i just want to move past this,solve it and be a loving and happy couple again.i want his love back that's the most important thing i had..but i don't know what will happen....



thank you

ps:he will be away for 3 days so i would only be able to log in again after 3 days..

 

[Chris Taylor]

You acknowledge that you have some problems, why not go to counseling to try to address them Let him know you are going so he really sees you making an effort.

And marriage counseling for both of you wouldn't hurt.

 

[IrishGirlVA]

Before you desire his love back the first thing you need to do is desire YOUR love back for yourself. Your post makes me sad because there is so much self loathing coming through. Do you think it's ok that he minimizes his mistakes? Do you think it's ok that he minimizes your concerns? You can't talk to him about issues when he is at work and you can't discuss them at home. That is so incredibly sad.

I do agree that marriage counseling will help but you should seek some out for yourself too. Start loving yourself first before you ask him to love you again. And you might even find that you don't want his kind of love afterall.

 

[Desperate_Housewife]

Is it possible that he could be having an affair? Before you say no, think really hard about it. Some of the things you stated in your post point to it.

 

[sad.wife]

Before you desire his love back the first thing you need to do is desire YOUR love back for yourself. Your post makes me sad because there is so much self loathing coming through. Do you think it's ok that he minimizes his mistakes? Do you think it's ok that he minimizes your concerns? You can't talk to him about issues when he is at work and you can't discuss them at home. That is so incredibly sad.

I do agree that marriage counseling will help but you should seek some out for yourself too. Start loving yourself first before you ask him to love you again. And you might even find that you don't want his kind of love afterall.

i do love myself.but i guess i love him more than myself. he has been the biggest part of my life since we met.and he is very special to me.

 

[sad.wife]

Is it possible that he could be having an affair? Before you say no, think really hard about it. Some of the things you stated in your post point to it.

i have asked 2 times if there is someone else and he said no. i trust him on that.he is a very loyal person and everything is very open between us.no secrets.

 

[LearningLifeQDay]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. The part about the computer seems to be damning evidence that something different in his life is occuring. Why? I've been in his shoes in my past. I was in a relationship for 6 years before getting married. Then I 'found' the internet. That was the beginning of the end. I was preoccupied with meeting women to 'chat' with over being with my ex-wife. All fairness and honesty went 'out the window.' I lied straight into her eyes. That's how powerful my addiction was and is probably similar for your husband. I became the type of person I loathed all of my life. So, all the counselling in the world my not help him. You may WANT his love back, but is there any love for him to give back? Please consider saving your sanity and emotional well being by thinking about what's really in your best interest. What direction will really heal your broken heart.

 

[sad.wife]

can you please guide me about how i can awake loving feelings in his mind for me?

 

[IrishGirlVA]

can you please guide me about how i can awake loving feelings in his mind for me?

Oh honey, this is a very difficult question for any of us to really answer. Have you asked him why he says he doesn't love you anymore? Have you asked him what you can do to help make this marriage work? The only way to really know how you can "awake" those loving feelings back is to ask him what he needs/wants. Ask him why they went away. And maybe he doesn't know. And if that is the case then you need to separate for a little while. Sometimes time away from each other gives people the perspective they need.

But it does appear that he can't seem to let go of the fights you two have had in the past. If that is the case it seems to me that these fights were never fully resolved and he's holding onto a lot of resentment. I'm sure you are too. What you need to ask yourselves is if these fights and what was said during them can be forgiven? Can you move past the hurt or is the damage too great?

 

[costa200]

we had a fight on august over a housework problem and i said something bad to him asking why he didn't do it.he wanted to leave me and go away.after much talk he stayed.

Ok... Maybe not the main focus here but i'm terribly curious how something related to housework turned into such a serious situation! What the heck did you say to this guy?

 

[southern wife]

Sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Not much you can do....but let him go. Stop begging and pleading with him.

 

[sad.wife]

Oh honey, this is a very difficult question for any of us to really answer. Have you asked him why he says he doesn't love you anymore? Have you asked him what you can do to help make this marriage work? The only way to really know how you can "awake" those loving feelings back is to ask him what he needs/wants. Ask him why they went away. And maybe he doesn't know. And if that is the case then you need to separate for a little while. Sometimes time away from each other gives people the perspective they need.

But it does appear that he can't seem to let go of the fights you two have had in the past. If that is the case it seems to me that these fights were never fully resolved and he's holding onto a lot of resentment. I'm sure you are too. What you need to ask yourselves is if these fights and what was said during them can be forgiven? Can you move past the hurt or is the damage too great?

i have asked him. and he says because of the fights. , me talking about problems when he is at work etc. he says i do the same wrong thing again and again.

when we started to talk after a fight, i was happy and didnt think about the fight.but it does seem he has stored it all in his mind

 

[sad.wife]

Ok... Maybe not the main focus here but i'm terribly curious how something related to housework turned into such a serious situation! What the heck did you say to this guy?

well.. he told me to lift "something heavy" to get a repair done. i did bring that thing to him but later asked are'nt you ashamed to tell me to bring that. it's like something a man should lift. we were both tired after long work days.

 

[mrstj4sho88]

Sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Not much you can do....but let him go. Stop begging and pleading with him.

:iagree:
Plus it sound like he has another woman. He will not tell you about the OW. But the OW knows all about you. You need to start living your life without him. Just maybe he will notice you again. Please stop with all the begging because it can be seen as a turn off.

 

[sad.wife]

i talked with him today. He said he doesnt feel any love for me, doesnt want this marriage, doesnt care about me etc. Not things any1 would expect to hear from the person they selected to love and be loved by. Every word was like poison. Few tears fell down. I wiped them and got ready for work. then at work i cried.. It seems no matter how much i cry the pain is still fresh. Im living in my own private hell which nobody knows except you kind ppl here. i show everybody a happy face but the pain im going through is killing me inside. I just didnt think this would happen.i had a lot of dreams.to spend my life with him,to grow old with him.. he says he lost the love because of fights.but all married couples fight right? There is no marriage where 2 ppl dnt fight ever.ppl fight, get angry etc but they also forgive forget and live their lives. But it seems my husband is keeping a score of every fight. He hasnt forgiven.. He has said lets divorce in the middle of fights. But i have always thought he said that because he is angry. He has never told me lets get a divorce at a calm moment.so i thought its just something told out of anger and moved on.now i see that he has kept the idea in his mind and nurtured it every time we fought. he says he is willing and trying to love me again. But he doesnt know if and when he will ever love me. So, what do i do so that he would forgive, love me again and would solve problems without resenting in the future? He says he doesnt care but he does ask if im at work,if i ate. He said he wants to buy me a gift for my bday too. So these mixed signals are confusing me. we used to hug kiss and say i love u b4 i go to work and b4 we sleep.now he doesnt like to.. When i hug,sometimes he hugs me sometimes he doesnt. It hurts. I love him so much that i would lay down my life to save his life. But he doesnt want my love... I feel like crap.like someone has died. Well,something has died its his love for me...

 

[GenieD]

I guess what I don't really understand is how you think you'll ever get over the hurt of him telling you that he doesn't love you anymore. Seriously think about what staying with him for the rest of your lives would be like now. Every time you're upset thinking "will he stop loving me if I say that?" Or worrying that if you step out of live, he'll stop loving you? I know that most people are better at forgiveness than I am, but this would forever eat at me.

 

[mrstj4sho88]

I am sorry Op your H has checked out of the marriage. It has nothing to do with you. It is your H who just keeps making excuses. Your H is not going to tell you the real reason he wants a divorce. It does not matter . JMO your H has another woman and just wants out of the marriage. You need to go to IC for the help to deal with this issues. Your life is not over just because of one person. Do you have family and friends nearby? You should try and stay busy . Just know this pain will pass with time.

 

[sad.wife]

today he told me he wants to drink which is something he promised not to do when we got married. And he said he wants to add women and chat with them on facebook. Before we got married he was on few sites chatting with women, calling them sweetie baby and darling etc. That hurt me when i found out.so he agreed he wouldnt chat. He promised me. Now he wants to break promises and do these things.

 

[mrstj4sho88]

today he told me he wants to drink which is something he promised not to do when we got married. And he said he wants to add women and chat with them on facebook. Before we got married he was on few sites chatting with women, calling them sweetie baby and darling etc. That hurt me when i found out.so he agreed he wouldnt chat. He promised me. Now he wants to break promises and do these things.

I am sorry but he has been telling you lies.

 

[sad.wife]

i do not fight with him all the time.may be twice a month. Its not even fighting. I talk about the problem whenever there is one. not shouting. He doesnt like to talk about problems.he just wants to drop the topic while i want to talk about it till i understand why and how it happend etc. He says i always tell him about what he 'didnt do' not things like he didnt throw out garbage or put down the toilet seat. I tell him you didnt call me you didnt ask if i ate. Little things.but i guess he doesnt like that. So he forgot to call,i remind him, he doesnt say oh i forgot sorry.he says you always tell me what i didnt do. the main complaints seems to be that i talk about problems when he is at work, i remind what he didnt do which he has taken as me blaming him. When he was angry he has told me about wanting a divorce.but i just thought it was said out of anger.i wish he told me about my mistakes in a calm moment and not while being angry. He says he doesnt love me so is there any way to go back to being a loving couple? All couples fight but they dont resent those once the fight is over right? Im sorry i cant use proper paragraphs.im using a mobile. Thank you to everyone who answered.its a difficult time and every new answer gives me something to think about. he tells me to take care,to eat, he brings me what i like when he goes shopping,he talks with me about his work, but when i kiss and hug he rarely responds. This is tough to go through.