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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have been together for 7 (for both of us a second marriage). We had a great sex life prior to getting married. After we got married, I fell pregnant and then miscarried. We stopped having sex. Then I found out that he was chatting to a girl he met on facebook. I began monitoring his internet usage (spy program) and discovered that his chats with this girl half his age were romantic in nature. He told her that he was not having sex with me because he no longer felt the passion and in a later chat said he was saving himself for her and wanted a child with her. I also discovered that he spent time on porn sites and once caught him masturbating in front of his computer. I moved out of his room and into the guest bedroom but he told me he loved me and begged me not to leave him. I stuck around while he continued chatting to this girl. Eventually the relationship ended and he told me that he wanted to make our marriage work again. He told me that he is sorry for everything and his excuse for the online affair was that we were going through tough times in our marriage. We have had financial stress over the past few years and I know that this has caused some of our problems.

He has made an effort but my problem is that we have still not been intimate. We have not had sex for nearly 2 years now and I feel like I'm dying inside. I have tried initiating a few times but he usually makes an excuse (He is tired, not feeling well etc. etc.). I have tried talking with him about this in a gentle non-threatening way and he promises that things will be different but nothing changes and I'm starting to think that perhaps this marriage is not going to work out and I should leave. I would really like a healthy sex life with someone who appreciates me. I'm 49 and my husband is 54. I'm very young looking for my age and most people think I'm in my early to mid 30s. He looks his age although he has a nice body. I'm very attracted to him but clearly he doesn't feel the same about me and it's affecting my self esteem and making me feel very depressed.

I might mention that after my miscarriage I decided not to try to fall pregnant again and I think this may have something to do with his loss of interest in sex. He badly wanted a child as he has never had one. I have three from a previous marriage. One lives with us and considers him a second dad. He's a good stepfather to my son and adores him.

I would appreciate advice. Should I move on? I moved back into his bed but after months of no action, I moved into the guest room again. At this point I masturbate to achieve some kind of release. It's no replacement for the real thing and now I'm contemplating an affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks chiben. I have asked him and he has offered many excuses but I think he's avoiding the real issue. I just do not understand why he wants to stay married to me when he is not sexually attracted to me. He loves cuddling me in bed and kisses me and sometimes becomes sexual but never follows through. Is this a good reason for divorce?
 

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Do you want to wake up one day when you're in your mid 50s and realise that you've wasted all your prime sexual years being so totally unfulfilled/unsatisfied? Of course not, so leave him, he is not going to change this late in the game.

Why do you stay? I am in a sexless marriage so can identify with how you feel but I feel like I can't leave at this stage as I have a baby.. I would otherwise. Don't waste more years on someone who doesn't appreciate you body and soul.
 

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Thanks chiben. I have asked him and he has offered many excuses but I think he's avoiding the real issue. I just do not understand why he wants to stay married to me when he is not sexually attracted to me. He loves cuddling me in bed and kisses me and sometimes becomes sexual but never follows through. Is this a good reason for divorce?
It can be a very good reason for divorce but you should jump into divorce right away. What is he doing for this satisfaction? Did you ask him that? Maybe he has a medical issue and he isnt feeling the need for it.
 

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Try to see if you can watch the movie 'Hope Springs' together. It is in the cinemas here at the moment.

Not the same as your story, but it is about a middle aged couple who stop having sex & are in separate rooms. Does not really touch on all the issues, but might give him something to think about.
 

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Do both of you want to save this?

If so, you need counciling ASAP

If not, vow to be fair in the divorce process and move on separetly from one another
 

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Just please whatever you do do NOT have a child with him until this gets worked out.

Sounds like he doesn't understand what love is. And I think you need to go nuclear on him for having an EA on you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks to all those who have responded with advice. This morning I suggested to my husband that we should separate and ultimately get a divorce. I can't leave just yet because we're not in a financial position to move into separate places. I moved into the guest room. His response was that he loves me more than anything and wants the marriage to work but doesn't feel the passion anymore. He said that he thinks the problem lies with him and it's not that he doesn't find me attractive. It's possible that my miscarriage created this issue for him. I know that there isn't anything physically wrong with him because I've caught him masturbating to porn on his computer. He has also started chatting to the girl with whom he had an online affair again and even stayed up late tonight just so that he could chat with her. He says they are now just friends and he gives her advice but straight after I told him I want to separate he told her the news. He admitted that they had chatted and I asked him if he told her and he said, "She asked how I was and I told her." It makes me suspicious that he was so quick to tell her about my decision, almost as if he is opening the door for her. I know that I sound double-minded here but the truth is that I still love him so much and this is killing me. I don't know how I will live in the same house with him while I feel like this. It's a living hell. I'm really not the type of person to have a revenge affair but I so deeply crave physical intimacy and masturbation doesn't provide real relief. It's nearly 2 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I have never felt so sad and depressed. I can't figure out if it's the rejection I feel or the sense of impending loss that is causing this. Why would I feel so bad about losing a relationship that has left me feeling so unfulfilled?
 

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Because you are a decent human being. You committed to someone and they betrayed you. It is a grief like losing a loved one, the death of your hopes and dreams.

You will be tempted to reconcile prematurely. Do not agree to get back together out of fear or sadness or loneliness. If he really cared about you he wouldn't still be talking to her.

Find a way to get out of the house, you can't move forward seeing him every day.
 

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Thanks to all those who have responded with advice. This morning I suggested to my husband that we should separate and ultimately get a divorce. I can't leave just yet because we're not in a financial position to move into separate places. I moved into the guest room. His response was that he loves me more than anything and wants the marriage to work but doesn't feel the passion anymore. He said that he thinks the problem lies with him and it's not that he doesn't find me attractive. It's possible that my miscarriage created this issue for him. I know that there isn't anything physically wrong with him because I've caught him masturbating to porn on his computer. He has also started chatting to the girl with whom he had an online affair again and even stayed up late tonight just so that he could chat with her. He says they are now just friends and he gives her advice but straight after I told him I want to separate he told her the news. He admitted that they had chatted and I asked him if he told her and he said, "She asked how I was and I told her." It makes me suspicious that he was so quick to tell her about my decision, almost as if he is opening the door for her. I know that I sound double-minded here but the truth is that I still love him so much and this is killing me. I don't know how I will live in the same house with him while I feel like this. It's a living hell. I'm really not the type of person to have a revenge affair but I so deeply crave physical intimacy and masturbation doesn't provide real relief. It's nearly 2 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I have never felt so sad and depressed. I can't figure out if it's the rejection I feel or the sense of impending loss that is causing this. Why would I feel so bad about losing a relationship that has left me feeling so unfulfilled?
You are just used to him and this is a major change for you. Change is scary because you dont know what that will bring. The chances are you will be at a much better position :) It is tough to be in the same house though. It does sound like he is opening the door to the other woman but dont waste your energy and time with that and move on...
 

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Thanks to all those who have responded with advice. This morning I suggested to my husband that we should separate and ultimately get a divorce. I can't leave just yet because we're not in a financial position to move into separate places. I moved into the guest room. His response was that he loves me more than anything and wants the marriage to work but doesn't feel the passion anymore. He said that he thinks the problem lies with him and it's not that he doesn't find me attractive. It's possible that my miscarriage created this issue for him. I know that there isn't anything physically wrong with him because I've caught him masturbating to porn on his computer. He has also started chatting to the girl with whom he had an online affair again and even stayed up late tonight just so that he could chat with her. He says they are now just friends and he gives her advice but straight after I told him I want to separate he told her the news. He admitted that they had chatted and I asked him if he told her and he said, "She asked how I was and I told her." It makes me suspicious that he was so quick to tell her about my decision, almost as if he is opening the door for her. I know that I sound double-minded here but the truth is that I still love him so much and this is killing me. I don't know how I will live in the same house with him while I feel like this. It's a living hell. I'm really not the type of person to have a revenge affair but I so deeply crave physical intimacy and masturbation doesn't provide real relief. It's nearly 2 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I have never felt so sad and depressed. I can't figure out if it's the rejection I feel or the sense of impending loss that is causing this. Why would I feel so bad about losing a relationship that has left me feeling so unfulfilled?
I would venture to say he is already in a physical affair with this other woman and I would file for a legal separation to get him out of the house, regardless of finances. He is cheating right under your nose. You tell him you want a divorce and he responds by running to tell this girl???

Ugh. I'm so sorry. You two need to seperate now.. somehow, you need to be able to move on. You cannot do that with him around.

ETA: I think your H is so far gone in this affair that he needs a huge wake up call.
 

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Sounds like your husband is still in an EA (at least) with this girl. I'm guessing it never really ended and hence your problems.

I also agree you should legally seperate as soon as possible. Discuss boundaries of the seperation so you each know that dating (I assume the teo of you will want this) other people is OK.
 

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There is so much pain on these boards. Sometimes I just can't handle it. :confused:

Why do we prefer a familiar pain to a pleasure we're not used to?

I would do as the other posters have suggested. Sounds like although he say's he loves you his actions speak louder than words. It's an affectionate roommate arrangement if anything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Isn't having a baby at 49 years of age, a major health risk?
I was 47 at the time but that is still a major health risk even though there are women of this age that have healthy babies. I guess this is why I miscarried. It was folly thinking that I could provide him with what he wanted, a child but that is how much I love him and wanted to please him. Thinking back on it now, it would have been a disaster considering our financial stresses these past two years.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. It seems I've made the right decision in separating. I am afraid of the unknown but can't live like this any longer. I will do all in my power to move out because this living arrangement is definitely not going to work. Watching him carrying on with this girl who is younger than my own daughter is just too hard. I am not judgmental about age in a relationship and I know that he's probably thinking about being with someone of child-bearing age but it's just too painful for me to watch. I literally feel torn in two.
 

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I am so sorry about all of this.

If you do get a divorce, can I gently suggest that when you are ready, that you only date men with children? You will probably be past child-bearing age soon (if not already) & you will have more in common with men w/children.

Your story is painful. You married a childless man, agreed to have his baby, miscarried & then he takes up with a much younger woman who may be able to give him a child.

After my divorce, when I ventured out into the dating world, I ONLY dated men with children (I have 2). More in common.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Thanks Emerald. Really good advice. I do think that it's important to have common interests. I have grown up children and he never had any. He loves my kids but never knew them as small children and could not relate to them as a father. I also don't think he'd be as interested in a girl young enough to be his daughter if he'd had kids of that age. Maybe I'm wrong. I just found it so repugnant that he'd take up with a girl so young but that's because I see her as a kid. Don't mean to be judgmental at all. Just expressing my honest feelings. Thanks again :)
 

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At 54, his libido and testosterone are all going to be at nearly depleted levels. Of course he's not going to have a big drive, especially with possible ED as it creeps up the older one gets. Its really a shame that men usually pair up with younger women as is tradition. Men peak in their sexual drives from 17-28 while women peak from 30-45. Im 30 (male) and what used to be hour long sweat soaked bed marathons during college days are dwindling down to 20 minute light sprints. The online chatting could just have been just a challenge and a pursuit or a "chase" entertainment for him. men get their fill of self esteem when they can flirt with women, same as women get their self esteem when they dress up, put on makeup and go out to be admired, gazed upon and complemented. I dont think it sounds as it was going to be anything more than an online chat/flirting type of thing. And yes, he can love you without having the drive to have sex. A man sees his wife as his best friend of sorts. You dont necessarily need to have sex with your best friend of the opposite gender to love them. Affection matters just as much if hes trying on that end. Cuddle up with him, put your leg over his, do something new and interesting to spice it up. If it still doesnt work, talk with him, but very carefully. Tell him that you have needs and hes not fulfilling them, but dont put him down. Verbally castrating and taking away a man's manhood will only make him resent you.
 

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the writing is on the wall but you're not seeing it clearly. Your husband is having some kind of an affair and has been for a while, and it's possible that he's addicted to porn. He doesn't love you more than anything, like he said, because if he did, he would treat you like he loved you more than anything. He loves you like his mother or his sister. He treats you like a nice roommate.

You're in terrible pain and this is not sustainable. File for a divorce right away. This is not a marriage but a pretense of a marriage. Either he needs to leave and you should rent out the guest room, or you need to leave and find a cheaper place for your and your child. Your husband is a lier and a cheater and a sneak.
 
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