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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband left an amazing paying job to be self employed. He has no health insurance and work is sporadic with him making alot or nothing. I begged my husband to stay at his old job and he stated how unhappy he was. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and try his own business but it's not working out. I try to tell him these things about no insurance or no consistency. He does not care to at least hear what I have to say. It's effecting our marriage in a terrible way. I can't even stand to be around him because I have so much resentment towards him. I work full time and my paycheck has had to go to bailing him out of his business choice that he made regardless of how I felt. At this point, I'm considering divorce. Any advice would be helpful.
 

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So your marriage is based on the amount of money he makes?

It really has nothing to do with your “feelings”. Does he work hard? Why is the money sporadic? Can you help him brainstorm about how the money could become more predictable?

How long has he had this business he’s running?
 

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I try to tell him these things about no insurance or no consistency.
He does not care to at least hear what I have to say.
My guess is that he "hears"..... but that he rejects what you have to say because he judges that it's based in selfishness, or perhaps he views you as his "enemy". I cannot say if it is or it isn't borne of selfishness, I don't know your history, however, when I read your words, I feel defensive..... I would be inclined to accept your "try to tell" as adversarial rather than helpful......

I can't even stand to be around him because I have so much resentment towards him.
Resentment ? May I suggest that your resentment may be because you have a sense of entitlement to "be supported" or "be taken care of" by your husband.

He also may fear "listening", because it is leading him down a path he does not want to trod, and one which he feels that you will never allow him to remain on.

I am aware that sporadic income can be difficult to manage, and is one of the masteries a businessperson must acquire. I'm also painfully aware that this doesn't usually stabilize for a few years on a startup business. @Beach123 has very good advice...... help.....

If you are working full-time, then quite possibly, you are the best source for your family's health insurance coverage. Instead of "telling him", may I suggest that you take your own responsibility for putting the "consistency" into your life and the life of your partner.

I honestly don't believe that what you have stated here is any kind of legitimate grounds for a divorce. The opportunity to help your husband start his business should be accepted by you as a chance to earn a great reward. Your husband's business may be the "ticket" to a very bright and bountiful lifestyle for the both of you.
 

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I disagree with most opinions here placing all blame on wife. First, a married man is responsible not just for himself but for his wife and his children. He cannot do anything he wants without taking their needs first. If I left a well paying job with benefits putting my family's well being in jeopardy my wife who loves me very much would be at least unhappy. With time though this may result in her resenting me for this selfish decision.

however if your husband was truly miserable on his previous job you needed to discuss this and you might need to take his feelings into consideration and work out his ordinary leaving his job and plan for the future.

I would suggest calmly discussing with your husband viability of his business. Maybe you can set a milestones for his business and if they are not achieved you may both agree to shutting down his business and him looking for another job.
 

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I think that @Unappreciatedwife knows her husband and what he is capable of more than anyone on here. She advised him against giving up a good job cause she probably knew that what he was planning was unwise to the extent she 'begged' him not to do it. He went ahead selfishly not considering the burden it put on the OP. Most of us support our spouses dreams but what if those desires are at the expense of the supporting spouse? What about their joint plans, etc. The OP's husband sounds entitled and selfish. Finances is one of the main reasons people divorce. If a couples interests and plans for their future are not aligned and one is exploiting the other, then it is time to divorce in my opinion. OP is slowing losing respect for her husband as he is not doing things together but following his own desires at her expense.
 

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I think we need to first understand that your husband decision to leave his job and to go on his own was not an action directed at your feelings, granted he may not have involved you in that decision making effort but he did not attack your feelings in pursuing it.

Now where he did drop the ball was in not thinking about the repercussions of losing a steady pay check and having health insurance, in formulating a plan on how he would have met his obligations in this marriage, paying the bills, building a business plan and all of that required a partnership with you as his spouse and partner.

So let me as you does he have a business plan? Did he share it with you? Had you both discussed how you both would make it for a period of time while getting this business off the ground?

If he kept you in the dark in his actions I can then see how this would cause uneasiness in you and him making a life altering decision without your input would cause distress.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Any time I ask him about his business plans I am told that it does not involve me. May I remind you that I have funded this business starting up as well even though I don't agree with it. He's been in business for almost a year and it's not going as well as he thought. I tried to let him know how hard it is to run a business. I don't want him to fail but he's the type of person that won't listen and has to do it himself before he knows I was right. I can't add him to my health insurance because it would cost over $500 a pay for the both of us which I refused to do. I'm not working just to pay health insurance.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
He was not happy at his old job but was offered another one paying even better with great benefits and turned it down. I was very upset and he knew I was. He told me it was his decision. I'm not 100% happy at my job either but if I would quit at this point it was be devastating financially.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I have also spoke to his mother regarding the matter and she fully agrees with me. She tried to talk to him but he became very defensive towards her and now won't talk to her. I don't want that to happen to me.
 

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Not enough info. What is his business? You are aware it normally takes 2-3 years for a startup to become profitable? His business isn't a year old.

How long have you been married? Children?

What I read here is that you just don't like having to financially support your household while his business gets off the ground.

And running to his mother to take your side? Not a good play. 100% of men are going to be defensive with that move.
 

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How long have you been married? Children?
Yes, do you have children? Also, you say he hated his job. Does he know how much you hate yours? I think happiness in life is the number one priority for me. My wife went from a well paid job to working in the health sector for a lot less money. I encouraged her because she was very unhappy in her previous job. What about supporting your husband fully in his new venture? It takes ages for a business to take off. Mine took 10 years to get to the level I wanted it. Finally, if you are unhappy in your job, try and get one you like. Maybe for less money, but money is not everything in life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
We have been married a year and no children. We can't afford to have one if we wanted to. I talked to his mom because I can't talk to him. And I needed to vent to someone. I'm not from around her and really have no friends here. We can't pay our bills! And most of them he made before we were married. He has a truck payment and a tractor he bought prior to marriage. I just feel like he is wanting me to cover the bills he made before marriage and they are very expensive payments. And I can't afford to do so. He made $15 more an hour then me and now I'm making more then him. He made all these bills based off his previous job. And now we have a mortage. The mortgage payment is what I make in a two weeks pay. I just feel like he didn't think this through how it would impact us financially. And he has an employee which my paycheck has been used to cover their pay. Also he has had health issues in the past and with no insurance im worried that something will happen to him. And we are stuck with a huge hospital bill.
 

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We have been married a year and no children. We can't afford to have one if we wanted to. I talked to his mom because I can't talk to him. And I needed to vent to someone. I'm not from around her and really have no friends here. We can't pay our bills! And most of them he made before we were married. He has a truck payment and a tractor he bought prior to marriage. I just feel like he is wanting me to cover the bills he made before marriage and they are very expensive payments. And I can't afford to do so. He made $15 more an hour then me and now I'm making more then him. He made all these bills based off his previous job. And now we have a mortage. The mortgage payment is what I make in a two weeks pay. I just feel like he didn't think this through how it would impact us financially. And he has an employee which my paycheck has been used to cover their pay. Also he has had health issues in the past and with no insurance im worried that something will happen to him. And we are stuck with a huge hospital bill.
Ok, then, yes, his decision to start a new business when you are struggling to pay the bills is rather, erm. unwise... :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
We were not struggling previously now with the business we are. I dont want to go into bankruptcy because I had 0 say in this business but he had no problem asking me for money for it which I did. I have tried to be supportive I promise I have.
 

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We were not struggling previously now with the business we are. I dont want to go into bankruptcy because I had 0 say in this business but he had no problem asking me for money for it which I did. I have tried to be supportive I promise I have.
You still didn't say what his business is.

Something to think about. What is the long term potential for his type of business? After the startup pains of the first few years, what's the upside?

Often with startups, you have to be willing to go through the growing pains before you see the payoff.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
That's what I'm worried about is the future. He's kinda the person that does what he wants regardless of how people feel or what the impact would be. I know it takes time for a business to take off but it's been a year and we are worse off financially then ever. If we lose this house or anything due to his business decision. I have to say there would be no coming back from that.
 

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Any time I ask him about his business plans I am told that it does not involve me. May I remind you that I have funded this business starting up as well even though I don't agree with it. He's been in business for almost a year and it's not going as well as he thought. I tried to let him know how hard it is to run a business. I don't want him to fail but he's the type of person that won't listen and has to do it himself before he knows I was right. I can't add him to my health insurance because it would cost over $500 a pay for the both of us which I refused to do. I'm not working just to pay health insurance.
Many businesses during covid, had unique more difficult challenges to be profitable.

I hope things pick up and he can turn a profit.
 

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That's what I'm worried about is the future. He's kinda the person that does what he wants regardless of how people feel or what the impact would be. I know it takes time for a business to take off but it's been a year and we are worse off financially then ever. If we lose this house or anything due to his business decision. I have to say there would be no coming back from that.
All I can say is that it takes longer than 1 year for a contractor to get his feet under him, and start to grow his business.

Every well established contractor I know in my area has more work than they can take. But ... every one of them struggled to get established their first few years. They all showed a net loss their first year. It takes time to grow the business.

Unless the two of you are older, you'll find you can come back from quite a lot. A bankruptcy is not the end of the road. Depending on how the business is structured, your personal assets can be protected as well.

Only you can decide if you're willing to work through the rough starting patch with him or not. Your marriage is young, a divorce at this point would be fairly straightforward if you choose that. But talk to a lawyer before any decisions. Your steady job, and his struggling startup might not play out the way you expect in divorce.
 
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