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At the beginning of COVID quarantine I found out my husband of 15 years was having an affair (all through texts, phone calls, email, mail - no actual physical) with an ex girlfriend. When I confronted him he broke down and we decided we would work on us / that he would end it. The next few months were great. Fast forward a few months and I find an email with a video of him master bating sent to her. This time when confronted he says he is leaving me for her. I leave to stay with family for a week and my husband begs me to come back and apologizes, wants to work on us again. Then a few weeks later he says he realizes he is not in love with me anymore. He then leaves to stay with his parents for a few weeks..returns..says he wants to work on us but then just in a few days (last night), changes his mind and wants to move out, end it without working on anything. He is an alcoholic and he wants to go to rehab but told me not to have hopes that we will end up together afterward. I am heartbroken and cannot deal. I want to work on us and bring our marriage back to where it was a few years ago when it was good. Am I stupid for feeling this way after all of this back and forth. I still have hopes that he will change his mind. He says he is no longer in contact with HER but I don’t know what to believe any more. I did start therapy / counseling but I feel like I can’t even function.
 

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Don't believe him. And don't make any promises, but encourage him to do rehab or just get in AA. If he gets in AA, he will be counseled not to pursue relationships for a year. You don't know what you have until he's sober. But no, do not trust that he's not talking to her. Nuh-uh. Assume he is doing more than that.
 

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I'm so sorry. I think it's time for you to take care of yourself. While he is in rehab get some counseling of your own and start living life without him. You might be surprised and find you like life better that way. Living with the unpredictability of an alcoholic is very draining. He might get out and find you don't want to resume your marriage. He's hurt you, a lot and he's going to have to make amends for that. If he wants to just leave rehab and pretend his affair never happened you really need to be sure you don't let that happen or you'll be right back here saying he's cheating again.

Start the 180 on him and work on getting yourself healthy.
 

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I still have hopes that he will change his mind.
I feel like I can’t even function.
Is "can't function" the reason you have hopes he'll change his mind ? How about "cannot deal" ??

You must change "can't" to can. Can function. Can deal. With whatever that takes. Job, gym, new hairdo, new wardrobe, polished resume, more education. 180.
 

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At the beginning of COVID quarantine I found out my husband of 15 years was having an affair (all through texts, phone calls, email, mail - no actual physical) with an ex girlfriend. When I confronted him he broke down and we decided we would work on us / that he would end it. The next few months were great. Fast forward a few months and I find an email with a video of him master bating sent to her. This time when confronted he says he is leaving me for her. I leave to stay with family for a week and my husband begs me to come back and apologizes, wants to work on us again. Then a few weeks later he says he realizes he is not in love with me anymore. He then leaves to stay with his parents for a few weeks..returns..says he wants to work on us but then just in a few days (last night), changes his mind and wants to move out, end it without working on anything. He is an alcoholic and he wants to go to rehab but told me not to have hopes that we will end up together afterward. I am heartbroken and cannot deal. I want to work on us and bring our marriage back to where it was a few years ago when it was good. Am I stupid for feeling this way after all of this back and forth. I still have hopes that he will change his mind. He says he is no longer in contact with HER but I don’t know what to believe any more. I did start therapy / counseling but I feel like I can’t even function.
If he is an alcoholic, he doesn't know what he wants, and his only love is the bottle. Everything coming out of his mouth is a lie. Don't believe it, just look at actions. His actions show you so much disrespect, why would you put up with that? Do not enable him. Change the door locks. This is a good time to plot your escape and let him have her. Pull up your big girl panties. You have been carrying that man's burdens for so long and been co-dependent you think you cannot survive without your cheating alcoholic POS husband. He has probably conditioned you to think that what he gives you is worth fighting for, snap out of that train of co-dependent thinking. Read Co-Dependent No more and also the Emotionally Abusive Marriage to learn how you break free from that kind of thinking.

1. have you been attending Al Anon to keep yourself stable and ensure you are not co-dependent. Remember alcoholism is a family disease. Join SoberRecovery.com online.
2. Get a good counselor for yourself
3. See a lawyer to see what your options are, are you financially self sufficient. Does WAH work?
4. Do you have kids? How old are they?
5. Tell all families and friends about what he has been doing, let him deal with the fall out.
6. Ask close friend or family to support you through this emotionally.
7. Start doing a hard 180, no contact, no support for him, nothing. Do not do his laundry, cooking, nothing. Just take care of your stuff and if you have kids, theirs. Do not enable him. Let him see what is like to be free and single and do not be his Plan B.

You cannot deal with an alcoholic if they are still drinking, his cheating is just another hurdle. Get rid of him, they very rarely ever change. Encourage him to go to rehab. In fact your life will probably be better without him. See how he is using you as the excuse to do nothing, typical alcoholic BS. I know I have lived through it.
 

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Get rid of him, they very rarely ever change.
Correct. Even those who get sober still THINK like an alcoholic. Blame everyone and everything else for their choices.

Start doing a hard 180, no contact, no support for him, nothing. Do not do his laundry, cooking, nothing. Just take care of your stuff and if you have kids, theirs.
Correct. And, make this FOREVER.
 

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OP I'm so sorry that you are here. Your husband has a lot of issues. You need support. He is most likely lying about being in touch with HER. Or she broke it off. He first needs to get his alcoholism under control. You can't trust an alcoholic. In addition I don't see any reason why the other bad behavior would stop. What has he done to be more satisfied in the marriage? What have you done? How have you worked on it?

I think you should separate or divorce. He can get his act together and then if you like the new him you can date. However you should work on you. Find your inner peace. Date (after divorce). He isn't the only man on earth and he is continuing destructive behavior without any real remorse. Don't drag your misery out only to find out he isn't going to change or he changed but still isn't a good partner.
 

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What you have been doing is called the "pick me" dance, and you've been doing it for far too long. You should have kicked his arse to the curb when you first gound out about the emotional affair, and especially after you found ou the was still in contact with her and sent her photos of his junk. You're tolerating way too much. All the back and forth is ridiculous. Locate your dignity instead of acting so desperate. Go to ChumpLady.com and read her book and her daily posts.
 

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Thank you for your replies. I actually need the tough love and to hear that what I am doing is ridiculous. The sad part is that I still love him. 15 years are hard to let go and I am feeling pretty worthless at the moment. My head knows that is not true but my heart is saying otherwise.
 

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If he is an alcoholic, he doesn't know what he wants, and his only love is the bottle. Everything coming out of his mouth is a lie. Don't believe it, just look at actions. His actions show you so much disrespect, why would you put up with that? Do not enable him. Change the door locks. This is a good time to plot your escape and let him have her. Pull up your big girl panties. You have been carrying that man's burdens for so long and been co-dependent you think you cannot survive without your cheating alcoholic POS husband. He has probably conditioned you to think that what he gives you is worth fighting for, snap out of that train of co-dependent thinking. Read Co-Dependent No more and also the Emotionally Abusive Marriage to learn how you break free from that kind of thinking.

1. have you been attending Al Anon to keep yourself stable and ensure you are not co-dependent. Remember alcoholism is a family disease. Join SoberRecovery.com online.
2. Get a good counselor for yourself
3. See a lawyer to see what your options are, are you financially self sufficient. Does WAH work?
4. Do you have kids? How old are they?
5. Tell all families and friends about what he has been doing, let him deal with the fall out.
6. Ask close friend or family to support you through this emotionally.
7. Start doing a hard 180, no contact, no support for him, nothing. Do not do his laundry, cooking, nothing. Just take care of your stuff and if you have kids, theirs. Do not enable him. Let him see what is like to be free and single and do not be his Plan B.

You cannot deal with an alcoholic if they are still drinking, his cheating is just another hurdle. Get rid of him, they very rarely ever change. Encourage him to go to rehab. In fact your life will probably be better without him. See how he is using you as the excuse to do nothing, typical alcoholic BS. I know I have lived through it.
Thank you for posting. I have gotten a couselor already and plan on getting a lawyer. No kids. I am the bread winner but am worried about how much he is going to try to take. I have been letting family and friends know little by little. I know the more I tell people the more real it will be to me. My family and friends have been amazing but nights are still really rough. I am working on the 180..the first step is getting him out of the house. He has agreed to getting an apartment. I just hate how he acts “normal” when he is around -wanting to joke and tall about our days. It really is killing me little by little
 

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What do you love about him--the now him? The cheater. The alcoholic? The liar? He is being cruel to you. As I've said several times to others today--YOU deserve better.

Find something in your life to change your focus--volunteer, new hobby, church or organization.
 

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Thank you for posting. I have gotten a couselor already and plan on getting a lawyer. No kids. I am the bread winner but am worried about how much he is going to try to take. I have been letting family and friends know little by little. I know the more I tell people the more real it will be to me. My family and friends have been amazing but nights are still really rough. I am working on the 180..the first step is getting him out of the house. He has agreed to getting an apartment. I just hate how he acts “normal” when he is around -wanting to joke and tall about our days. It really is killing me little by little
That is the way they will act. While turning your world upside down like a hurricane, they will act as if nothing ever happened as if you are the one hallucinating. The quicker you accept your reality, and see him for what he really is the better for you. You will never change him, only he can choose to get help, if ever. Meanwhile as years tick by you will waste your life and regret staying. 15 years is not too long in the grand scheme of things. If you are the breadwinner, see that lawyer to ensure you protect yourself.
 

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Thank you for your replies. I actually need the tough love and to hear that what I am doing is ridiculous. The sad part is that I still love him. 15 years are hard to let go and I am feeling pretty worthless at the moment. My head knows that is not true but my heart is saying otherwise.
well... you actually have NO idea who the real version of him is. You know the drunk version.

get help with your co dependency - you are in very deep. You can’t help him - you can only help yourself.

and I knew he wasn’t the high money earner before you said it - the alcoholic is never the one earning more of the money... they spend too much time focused on drinking.

start making demands! He needs to move out TODAY! Protect your money (move it to your name only or he will spend it all) and assets! Give him no access to funds! He can ask his other woman to pay his way. Or at least his family. Stop helping him to screw your over!

change the locks as soon as he leaves. File and heal. It does get better - but only if you start to help yourself to see things clearly.

you’ve got work to do - get busy! We will support you here. Hugs
 

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You love who you thought he was. What you’re seeing now is the real thing. Nothing to love there.

Why isn’t he working?
 

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You love who you thought he was. What you’re seeing now is the real thing. Nothing to love there.

Why isn’t he working?
He has Chron’s disease and it was bad..needed surgery and couldn’t work. However, the last 3-4 years it has improved greatly and could have worked. He is actually not on any medications for it. He just refused to. He never got disability.
 

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He has Chron’s disease and it was bad..needed surgery and couldn’t work. However, the last 3-4 years it has improved greatly and could have worked. He is actually not on any medications for it. He just refused to. He never got disability.
So, he is using your hard earned money to drink.

Never mind the alcoholism, you should send his ass to the curb for not contributing to the household income alone.

Let some other sucker enable his drinking!
 

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What you have been doing is called the "pick me" dance, and you've been doing it for far too long. You should have kicked his arse to the curb when you first gound out about the emotional affair, and especially after you found ou the was still in contact with her and sent her photos of his junk. You're tolerating way too much. All the back and forth is ridiculous. Locate your dignity instead of acting so desperate. Go to ChumpLady.com and read her book and her daily posts.
Thank you so much for introducing me to the Chump Lady. I am in the process of reading her book but I am AMAZED how close everything hits to home. I actually was laughing out loud b/c everything she was saying is what he did / what I am going through!! It has helped so much! Thank you again.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I may need some tough love from you guys tonight. I noticed for the first time today that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore. Don’t know why this is hotting me so hard but I can’t stop crying...
 
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