Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am an ICU nurse, and I have been married to my husband for almost 10 months. We have lived together for about three years. The first year we were living together I worked a lot, and picked up a lot of extra shifts. He would complain that I worked too much, and didn't contribute at home enough. I took back how much I worked, but wasn't bringing in enough money. We discussed me going back to grad school for my masters to become a Nurse Practitioner, and he was willing to let me go Part-time, and pick up more slack financially. He brought in over a million that year(important detail). I went to school for two years, while still working in the ICU Part-time, and he started to complain that I wasn't contributing enough money to our home, or vacations (that he wanted to go on). I had no choice though, because I was working two 12 hour shifts a week, and all other days 12 hour shifts for clinicals. I finally graduated this past August, and got an amazing job making over double what I was before. I am still working in the ICU because I am getting credentialed through my new job, and if you know what that is it can take 3 months +. Our census has been very low this month due to two surgeons being sick/ having surgery, so I have been called off a lot. My husband constantly brings up how lazy I am, and that I'm just sitting around at home doing nothing. He also said this when I was working part-time, and in school full time. I constantly remind him I am being credentialed, but he thinks I'm lying, and just trying to sit around at home. I am the total opposite of that. I even signed up to be an Uber driver to make extra money since I have been put on standby at home. He isn't struggling to pay for anything, and goes on vacations a lot. It's like a never ending cycle. I work too much, I'm not contributing. If I don't work enough I am lazy. I seriously think he might be bipolar, and I'm getting to the point that I can't deal with the constant pressure, and criticism when I literally bust my ass. I come home many nights from work where I have had patients die, or be on the verge of it my entire shift. I am physically, and mentally drained, and he has no respect for that. I just need some advice. Thank you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,238 Posts
I don't have any specific advice for you, but it's admirable you came here first. Given my soon to be ex-wife is an ICU nurse and I was the exact opposite of your husband, I know how high stress your job can be and how emotional and high stressed you probably are after work. It's definitely one of the leading reasons why nurses, especially ICU and OR nurses have a high rate of infidelity.

I guess you have to figure out if this is how you want to live your life. You can tell him you want to go to MC, which doesn't have a great rate of success. He likely just focuses on the negative aspects of you. Really, he needs some ice water on his head. Talk about separation. Mean it. Tell him you aren't going to live like this. If he is committed to you, he will be committed to change. If not, best to get out early.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,008 Posts
He sounds like one of those people that will always find fault one way or the other. He must not have a lot of empathy for your profession or he simply does not understand what is it that you do. Is he in the financial services industry?

I am not going to tell you to leave your H. That's something you have to decide. Ask yourself how much longer can you live with him being as he is now? Is this what you want to live with for the next 2 to 5 years. How would he handle having kids when you have to work?

Figure out what you want from life and how you would like to live your life . That should be your guide.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the advice. He was poor growing up as a kid, and struggled through college. When I first started dating him, he came into a lot of money for one job he completed. Ever since then, he always talks about money, and work. He has a problem with helping to support me during this time. But the thing is, I would support him without question if something happened. He is crazy when he talks about it though, and goes off cussing at me and calling me names. When he isn't like that he is extremely sweet and affectionate.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
879 Posts
Healthcare doesn't exactly mean a 8-5 job. No kids, he can pick up some extra hours himself. Both of you need to agree on a amount that should go into savings each month. Make it a percentage off each of your checks, then as long as that gets saved, everyone shuts their mouth.

You can't muzzle the oz while treading out the grain. Some needs to be spent on fun stuff too. Marriage is a compromise.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,008 Posts
Don't make excuses for him. Everyone view money differently. Some sees it as a means to do things, others as power and security. He is using money as a tool of power over you.

So think about what you want and then make your choice.

Never let any man talk to you with no respect and hold money over your head. Like my grandmother used to say, money will never keep you warm at night.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,672 Posts
. We discussed me going back to grad school for my masters to become a Nurse Practitioner, and he was willing to let me go Part-time, and pick up more slack financially. He brought in over a million that year(important detail).
Holy Cow!! Does he expect YOU to bring in that much money too???
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
No, but it's almost like the fact that he made that much he feels like he can hold over me. He often says " I deserve to be in a bad mood or get **** faced since I make more money, and pay more bills."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,404 Posts
I am an ICU nurse, and I have been married to my husband for almost 10 months. We have lived together for about three years. The first year we were living together I worked a lot, and picked up a lot of extra shifts. He would complain that I worked too much, and didn't contribute at home enough. I took back how much I worked, but wasn't bringing in enough money. We discussed me going back to grad school for my masters to become a Nurse Practitioner, and he was willing to let me go Part-time, and pick up more slack financially. He brought in over a million that year(important detail). I went to school for two years, while still working in the ICU Part-time, and he started to complain that I wasn't contributing enough money to our home, or vacations (that he wanted to go on). I had no choice though, because I was working two 12 hour shifts a week, and all other days 12 hour shifts for clinicals. I finally graduated this past August, and got an amazing job making over double what I was before. I am still working in the ICU because I am getting credentialed through my new job, and if you know what that is it can take 3 months +. Our census has been very low this month due to two surgeons being sick/ having surgery, so I have been called off a lot. My husband constantly brings up how lazy I am, and that I'm just sitting around at home doing nothing. He also said this when I was working part-time, and in school full time. I constantly remind him I am being credentialed, but he thinks I'm lying, and just trying to sit around at home. I am the total opposite of that. I even signed up to be an Uber driver to make extra money since I have been put on standby at home. He isn't struggling to pay for anything, and goes on vacations a lot. It's like a never ending cycle. I work too much, I'm not contributing. If I don't work enough I am lazy. I seriously think he might be bipolar, and I'm getting to the point that I can't deal with the constant pressure, and criticism when I literally bust my ass. I come home many nights from work where I have had patients die, or be on the verge of it my entire shift. I am physically, and mentally drained, and he has no respect for that. I just need some advice. Thank you
Thanks for the advice. He was poor growing up as a kid, and struggled through college. When I first started dating him, he came into a lot of money for one job he completed. Ever since then, he always talks about money, and work. He has a problem with helping to support me during this time. But the thing is, I would support him without question if something happened. He is crazy when he talks about it though, and goes off cussing at me and calling me names. When he isn't like that he is extremely sweet and affectionate.
No, but it's almost like the fact that he made that much he feels like he can hold over me. He often says " I deserve to be in a bad mood or get **** faced since I make more money, and pay more bills."
I think you're just discovering that he is not a supportive man who views you as an equal partner. He has no respect for you as a human being, he's not supportive of your interests, he's not satisfied with unequal incomes, and he's not satisfied with unequal time spent away from work either. He's immature and developed a whopping sense of entitlement along with his money, and nothing you do is going to be able to make him happy, because he is not good at being a husband. And he doesn't sound like the kind of person who would acknowledge that he needed to change.

A good husband shares his income lovingly. A good husband does not swear and criticize his wife. A good husband does not call a hard-working woman lazy or a liar.

It's up to you if you think he can mature any further, if you indicate unwillingness to put up with this behaviour continuing, or this is the best he can do.

Was he like this before he made his windfall? Or has money transformed him into this monster?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
The money changed him. If he ever gets me a gift, he holds it against me during an argument. He likes to go on big trips that I cannot afford, and so he ends up paying for me, but holding that against me as well. He will never say that he is sorry or admit that he needs to change, but be very kind and affectionate the next day. I'm only 27, and he is 36. This is our first marriage, and I cannot imagine getting a divorce, but I also at this point can't imagine bringing kids into this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,404 Posts
The money changed him. If he ever gets me a gift, he holds it against me during an argument. He likes to go on big trips that I cannot afford, and so he ends up paying for me, but holding that against me as well. He will never say that he is sorry or admit that he needs to change, but be very kind and affectionate the next day. I'm only 27, and he is 36. This is our first marriage, and I cannot imagine getting a divorce, but I also at this point can't imagine bringing kids into this.
I wonder if the money has not changed him after all, but only freed him up to exhibit behaviours he never had a chance to express before.

There's a general attitude that the rich are better than the poor, and to be suddenly shifted from one end to the other has given him the unexpected opportunity to feel superior to people with less money than him. Unfortunately, he's lumped you into that category, so he isn't seeing you as a married partner, but as an inferior.

A husband and wife should be thrilled to be able to go on fancy vacations together. It shouldn't matter in the least where the money came from.

Yeah, don't have children until he gets over his attitude. It may never happen. You have to decide how long you'll wait. Would he be willing to go to marriage counselling? If not, that's a big clue that you should start considering more dramatic options, like divorce.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,623 Posts
At ten months, you may be eligible for an annulment. Why did you marry him knowing what a jerk he can be? The flipping out on you and then being sweet and affectionate the next day is part of the cycle of abuse. Break that cycle for yourself.

He can be in a bad mood and get sh!t-faced and pay more bills all by his lonesome. You don't have to be his audience.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,364 Posts
Ah, desire... and the patterns of desire.

If over time his behavior builds resentment, what will you imagine your marriage being?

Also, if the material things are being used as a collateral way treating you poorly, is their value really worth it?

Perhaps it best to let him go on the next vacation "solo" as that will be the way he will most likely end up based on how treats you in general.

What you can do is determine your own importance, and then if he decides you are wrong in the value you place in yourself, you will have most all your answers for your future path.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,672 Posts
The money changed him. If he ever gets me a gift, he holds it against me during an argument. He likes to go on big trips that I cannot afford, and so he ends up paying for me, but holding that against me as well. He will never say that he is sorry or admit that he needs to change, but be very kind and affectionate the next day. I'm only 27, and he is 36. This is our first marriage, and I cannot imagine getting a divorce, but I also at this point can't imagine bringing kids into this.
Even if you didn't bring children into this marriage, could you imagine living in a situation that's even WORSE?

People with his lack of maturity don't improve on their own. He has to WANT to grow up and then take measures to do so.

Right now, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. Even if you leave, he won't take responsibility for any part in your decision.

I'm afraid you don't have many choices. Either stay and watch him get worse with time or leave. And if you have children with him, you'll be tied to him until the kids are grown, whether you're still married to him or not.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,470 Posts
Your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive of you. You say that he berates you, yells at you, etc and then the next day he's nice to you. That's called the "cycle of abuse". Look it up on google and do some reading. Abusers use a cycle where they go back and froth from abuse to nice. If he was abusive 24/7 you would leave. So he has to turn the charm and sweetness on to confuse you into wondering which of these two personalities is really him. He's probably not bi-polar. He's just a typical abuser. It will get worse with time and escalate.

He also has no concept of "us" or marriage. If he did, all the income would go into one account and be handled as martial income. He's not doing that.

If you cannot bring yourself to leave him at this time, at least go get counseling from an organization that specializes in counseling the victims of abuse. You need to get emotionally stronger.

How many hours a week does he work these days?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,737 Posts
The money changed him. If he ever gets me a gift, he holds it against me during an argument. He likes to go on big trips that I cannot afford, and so he ends up paying for me, but holding that against me as well. He will never say that he is sorry or admit that he needs to change, but be very kind and affectionate the next day. I'm only 27, and he is 36. This is our first marriage, and I cannot imagine getting a divorce, but I also at this point can't imagine bringing kids into this.
There should be no issue of YOU being able to afford it or not. You two are supposed to be partners, a team, the money you each earn belongs to BOTH of you. Your husband is a selfish jerk at best and mentally ill at worst. Why would you want to stay where you are treated this way? As less than? You don't deserve that, you are smart and a hard worker, and are more than capable of making it on your own, where no one insults you and looks down on you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
778 Posts
No, but it's almost like the fact that he made that much he feels like he can hold over me. He often says " I deserve to be in a bad mood or get **** faced since I make more money, and pay more bills."
Unto which you reply " we can divorce and I can take half your sh!t"

Tell he to grow the eff up. Man up. Stop using you as an emotional punching bag.

YOU - YOU NEED TO STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS BEHAVIOR!

He is verbally and emotionally abusive to you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
Your husband sounds like an arse. My wife has your job. Despite the issues my wife and I have, she is far from lazy. You are not lazy either. You cannot be lazy and work in ICU.
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top