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Dear Posters,

I am new to this forum and would just like to introduce myself. I have been married to the the love of my life for 18 years and we have 3 beautiful children. I married my best friend. From the moment I met him, I felt like I had known him all my life. Our friendship was pure and loving (we met 20 years ago). Through life's ups and downs, we always could bank on our friendship. These past 5 years, between raising our children, finances, jobs, illness, outer family problems etc we melted into a blended family and our intimacy became pretty rare. About 2 years ago, my husband became ill and we stopped having sex completely.

Two months ago, I found out that he was having an internet affair. I believe it started this January. It appears that it started through the internet and evolved into phone calls and text messages. When I found out, I was completely devasted. He is remorseful and we have been seeing a marriage therapist. He claims he was lonely and he was looking for friendship. I know it wasn't physical because my husband has been impotent for these last two years but I am stillhorribly devasted because I still think everything starts in the mind anyway. He was my best friend and the only person I could trust completely in the world. I feel so lost and lonely. He has been trying but I am so incredibly hurt I will never be the same and I don't know if I can truly ever heal from this. I wake up everyday wanting to cry.
 

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Hello,
I am new to this forum as well. I would be totally devasted too. However, maybe I can help you look at things in a different way. Why did you post on this forum? To hopefully find someone to talk to, right? I'm sure that was your husband's original intentions at the time. Maybe he just found someone to simply talk to openly without fear of being jugded, and I am by no means saying that your are judging him for anything. I don't know the details of your marriage of course, but your husband may think that you think less of him since he cannot be sexually active with you anymore. Maybe he even feels embarassed. The person he is talking to may not know that side of him and that is comforting to him. I don't know if this helps, but I hope it does.
 

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Another angle might be that for him he felt like this was a sort of release. He may have thought it to be innocent to. Either way if you can't do it in front of your s/o then there is something wrong.

It sounds like you are trying to save your marriage. You may offer to cyber with him. My wife and I have done this before while I wasn't home. It was nice. I wouldn't do it except with my wife, but that is me.

draconis
 

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I think that any extra marriatial relationship-even if it is only via text,phone,email (cyber), etc. is just plain wrong. In a marriage, emotional ties are very important and if your s/o is sharing that with someone else-well, that's being unfaithful. In past relationships my ex's as well as myself was guilty of that-but I wasn't married at the time, either. Now as a married woman, I can say without a doubt that I'll never do that to my husband, and I expect the same respect from him. And we've agreed to that-through our pre-marriage conversations, in our vows, and even in talks now.
I am so sorry you have had to go through this, Chloe. I'm sure any sort of relationship therapy would be most helpful. If he is asking for forgivness, please find it in your heart to try to do that. And also remind him that once upon a time the two of you were best friends-if he's looking for a friend then you are right there in front of him.
Good Luck
 

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MrsLV~Keep in mind everyone has differences of opinion. I have met some people that merely looking at a member of the opposite sex for more then eye contact is cheating because you may think lust in your mind of heart. Others may allow much more. It is all opinion and you should be careful that your S/O knows what you expect.

draconis
 

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MrsLV~Keep in mind everyone has differences of opinion. I have met some people that merely looking at a member of the opposite sex for more then eye contact is cheating because you may think lust in your mind of heart. Others may allow much more. It is all opinion and you should be careful that your S/O knows what you expect.

draconis
:rofl:I can't believe that anyone that is sain would feel that making more than eye contact with someone from the opposite sex would be considered cheating-that's obsurd.

But whenever you give someone else what you should be giving your spouse, that's wrong:(. Call it what you like.

And that's why I think emotional relationships with someone else in a way that is disrespectful to your relationship, emailing/texting anything inappropriate that is disrespectful to your relationship, showing/sending anyone other than your s/o nude photos of yourself, making out/having sex with anyone other than your s/o, etc. all falls into "cheating". :mad:

It's one thing if you have an open relationship:cool:-but if this is a "monogamous" relationship (The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.
The practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time.
The practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.)
, then there should be no confusion :scratchhead:as to what should and should not take place.

From what the original post suggested, the "cyberspace" activities were not allowed...hense, it's a no-brainer. Plus, as for my comments, I did state what I expected in my own marriage, but also gave a general heartfelt suggestion of forgiveness, rememberence, and therapy. Draconis, where did I go wrong with that?:confused:
 

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MrsLV ~ Please keep in mind that I actually agree with you on every point. But on other forums I have had people and even couples say this or that is okay in their relationship and that cheating is more grey then black and white. Perfect example flirting. Flirting can lead to many things and can be suggestive and you can not control the other person. Yes or no is any flirting - cheating. Many have up to x as a responce because it is grey. Is talking about sex with strangers cheating? Different people have different perspectives. My wife knows every forum I am on and the passwords I use. Some forums I am on I talk about sex. Before I joined I showed them to her and asked if she would be bothered by it. She has all my email accounts and though I chat with people about relationships and even sex it is never in a flirty way and everyone I talk to knows I am happily married and would never cheat. But more over there is nothing in my life I have to hide because my wife knows and we communicated on each and every subject and even every forum.

draconis
 

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MrsLV ~ Please keep in mind that I actually agree with you on every point. But on other forums I have had people and even couples say this or that is okay in their relationship and that cheating is more grey then black and white. Perfect example flirting. Flirting can lead to many things and can be suggestive and you can not control the other person. Yes or no is any flirting - cheating. Many have up to x as a responce because it is grey. Is talking about sex with strangers cheating? Different people have different perspectives. My wife knows every forum I am on and the passwords I use. Some forums I am on I talk about sex. Before I joined I showed them to her and asked if she would be bothered by it. She has all my email accounts and though I chat with people about relationships and even sex it is never in a flirty way and everyone I talk to knows I am happily married and would never cheat. But more over there is nothing in my life I have to hide because my wife knows and we communicated on each and every subject and even every forum.

draconis
I agree. We, too, share passwords and are very honest. I feel flirting is wrong-can't say it's "cheating" but definitely that it's not the right thing to do and would be disrespectful to our commitment to each other. I suppose your marriage and my marriage are alike in that we have honesty, respect, and so many other positive things that make for a successful marriage/relationship.
I can't imagine a grey area in my marriage-we're too open with each other to have those kind of non-definites. And I imagine that I'd be very uncomfortable if the light of honesty would ever be dimmed by greyness.

Having said that, I stand by my comment that the affair was wrong-but I know of pain from violations of trust from my past, and healing is possible. Chloe good luck. Have faith in yourself and in your higher power, and believe that you can heal from this.
 

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Chole I'm in a similar situation just a bit different...

While I'm asleep upstairs my husband is online looking at porn, and saving pics on the local c drive. I've confronted him about this in the past several times, it's stopped for a short period of time, then it begins again. I'm at a point where I really don't care anymore because he still keeps doing it. Obviously he's not happy with what he has at home.
 

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I too had a cyber affair , at first I did not see it as cheating since there is no pshyical interaction , I did it because I did not feel like I was good enough for my wife , I searched for that feeling of acceptance through other girls .
I now know that I was wrong , but I didn't see it that way at first .

maybe he shares a simular problem , being impotent would have defistating effects on my whole well being so I can just imagine what goes through your husbands head .
 

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Chole I'm in a similar situation just a bit different...

While I'm asleep upstairs my husband is online looking at porn, and saving pics on the local c drive. I've confronted him about this in the past several times, it's stopped for a short period of time, then it begins again. I'm at a point where I really don't care anymore because he still keeps doing it. Obviously he's not happy with what he has at home.
Just because someone looks at a picture of a good looking girl doesn't mean he is not happy with what he has at home. I don't think it is entirely right either. Let him know that you find it offensive.

draconis
 

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MrsLV~Keep in mind everyone has differences of opinion. I have met some people that merely looking at a member of the opposite sex for more then eye contact is cheating because you may think lust in your mind of heart. Others may allow much more. It is all opinion and you should be careful that your S/O knows what you expect.

draconis
It is never wise to label anything when it isn't within the boundaries of your own relationship. The agreements between the partners in one marriage are not necessarily universal, nor should they be.
 

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Sage ~ I think you need to look at the whole of what I said. I gave my opinion and some facts from situation I knew. But this is what was related on the thread.

My definition of opinion;
Opinion - a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.
My definition of Judging
Judging ~ a person appointed to decide in any competition, contest, or matter at issue; authorized arbiter:
Judgment ~ the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely


MrsLV
I think that any extra marriatial relationship-even if it is only via text,phone,email (cyber), etc. is just plain wrong. In a marriage, emotional ties are very important and if your s/o is sharing that with someone else-well, that's being unfaithful
My Response
Keep in mind everyone has differences of opinion. I have met some people that merely looking at a member of the opposite sex for more then eye contact is cheating because you may think lust in your mind of heart. Others may allow much more. It is all opinion and you should be careful that your S/O knows what you expect.
SO I was responding that it is my belief since people have different levels of what they might consider cheating they need to communicate their beliefs. Further I made clear in my cheating thesis how I believed.

First it needs to be defined. To me Cheating is when a person in a relationship operates outside of a relationship without the approval of their partner. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is with or without marriage. It does matter on the consideration of the social contract you have with the person you are with.

Communication is an important factor in a relationship. You have to tell your partner before hand what do you think is cheating and what is acceptable behavior.
What do you define as cheating? Is it a monogamous relationship? Are you still looking around? Do you consider the relationship serious?
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/320-cheating-thesis.html#post1189

MrsLV followed with her opinion
I can't believe that anyone that is sain would feel that making more than eye contact with someone from the opposite sex would be considered cheating-that's obsurd.

But whenever you give someone else what you should be giving your spouse, that's wrong. Call it what you like.
Now this being an open forum of ideas she is entitled to her opinion . I respect the energy she had at responding often to it.

My response of agreeing with her points, but a follow up example of what I was talking about.
Please keep in mind that I actually agree with you on every point. But on other forums I have had people and even couples say this or that is okay in their relationship and that cheating is more grey then black and white. Perfect example flirting.
MrsLV
I agree. We, too, share passwords and are very honest. I feel flirting is wrong-can't say it's "cheating" but definitely that it's not the right thing to do and would be disrespectful to our commitment to each other. I suppose your marriage and my marriage are alike in that we have honesty, respect, and so many other positive things that make for a successful marriage/relationship.

Having said that, I stand by my comment that the affair was wrong-but I know of pain from violations of trust from my past, and healing is possible.

Now as for your comment
It is never wise to label anything when it isn't within the boundaries of your own relationship. The agreements between the partners in one marriage are not necessarily universal, nor should they be.
Please show one place where I am judging and said no this is cheating or that should be allowed. I think I have far went out of my way because I have friends that are swingers and friends that are very conservative. Each have their own relationship and I have nothing but respect for that.

I do stress communications in relationship as the most import tool, IMHO.

Communication~ An Open line of communication can build a great relationship, keep it moving or repair it when there is damage to it. In my view there is nothing more important then being able to talk to your partner about every thing. By communicating I know my wife what she wants and what she expects. The lack of communication almost lost a great thing. The ability to communicate not only saved it but strengthened us.
Again I only gave my opinion that even came with the following disclaimer

Relationship Thesis

Before anybody reads this and has a cow this is my disclaimer. This is my opinion only on the matter at hand. I believe this is why my marriage is doing so well. This is only my opinion. I have gathered this through life experiences and talking on many forums. I hope this helps some people that they read this and honestly look at their relationship and look for ways to improve it. Feel free to comment on it anyway you see fit.
You can find the whole of it here.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/322-relationship-thesis.html

Either way I wasn’t judging I was offering my opinion. As you have done.

draconis
 
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