This is not the 1st time. I told him to choose. He chose to stay and end the affair. Told me it was only an emotional affair - as if that is any consolation - they kissed and touched. Needless - he ended it but they are still friends - working together and he says not seeing each other regularly. I don't bbelieve a word he says - still have to work on that. Now my problem is I cannot get all this that has happened and her out of my head - I'm constantly thinking of her - and I'll even say something negative about her (this is in private). All of this happened 6 months ago - husband says I should get over her. I said not as long as they are still friend and not one of us will budge on that. My heart was broken and sometimes still hurt and lots angry. I hate that she came and ruined my life - now I have to struggle with this and she is in a relationship possibly marrying soon. My husband said that should put me at ease - I said what? Marriage did not matter at the time. This has changed my personality. He is a dominant person - I no longer keep quiet - I say what I want and put myself first before him. He says he misses the old me - get a life - he caused this. He did apologoze and said he said it once and is not going to say it over again. Our marriage were lacking but we were not unhappy at all. How could you do something like this to the one you love - what is love then - he says it just happened - he did not ask for it. Help I need to get over it - I need to forgive her for myself.
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Dear pegasus,
The advice you've received so far is sound. You WH (wayward husband) needs to stop seeing or having any contact with the OW (other woman) for there to be any chance of fixing your marriage. As long as he is in contact with her, the relationship continues, if not physically then at least emotionally, and that will prevent him from doing what he needs to do to regain your trust and respect.
In addition, as others have said, your WH has almost certainly not revealed the full extent of his relationship with the OW. You need to know this in order to decide if you want to save your marriage, if it can be saved and what steps you need to take to try to fix it if you decide to.
Also, you WH has to accept that fact that he is totally responsible for his actions, has to demonsrate true remorse for what he has done and has to be prepared to do whatever it takes to win you back. That is what reconciliation is all about and, if these things don't happen, there can be no real reconciliation.
Now look at the parts of your originally post that I've bolded. Let me suggest that you are asking the wrong question, probably as the result of your WH's influence. The questions you should ask yourself are: do you want to stay married to your WH and, if so, what is the most effective way to rebuild your marriage? By asking yourself how you can "get over" his cheating, you are avoiding the real problem (his cheating) and failing to lay the ground work for your eventual recovery from what he has done to you. Your goal in all this should be to your own happiness. Whether this comes about in a renewed and better relationship with your WH or in a new life without him will depend upon what he does to repair his marriage and how much you are able to put up with. There are two reasons why you need to begin to think about a life without him.
First, not all marriages can be saved after one partner has an affair. Maybe yours can but maybe it can't. You need to prepare yourself for the latter possibility. That means preparing yourself emotionally (by beginning to envision a life without him), financially (by making sure you have the means to support yourself if you decide to leave him) and legally (by understanding the divorce laws in your state/country and your legal rights, obligation and options if you decide to divorce him).
Second, given the resistance you are getting from your WH, you need to give him a reason to come clean about what he has done, end it with the OW and start doing what he needs to do to regain your trust. There is no more effective a wake up call that you can give your WH than to tell him that you are prepared to end your marriage over this. If that doesn't get him back on the straight and narrow, nothing will but, if as you say you had a pretty good marriage before this happened, then the chances are good that he will finally realize the seriousness of his situation and start doing the right thing. In order to make this threat really effective, IMO, you should already have spoken to an attorney when you drop this bomb on your WH but, at the very least, let him know that you will see an attorney if he doesn't take the necessary steps (see below) AND give him a deadline.
You also should start doing the "180," which involves beginning to live your life for yourself and preparing yourself for a life without him. You can look it up to see what all it entails but, basically, it means minimizing your interactions with your WH to only what is absolutely necessary (taking care of your children, dealing with financial issues, etc.), getting yourself in the best possible physical shape and making yourself as attractive as possible (not for him but for yourself and your new life without him if it comes to that). This accomplishes two things: (1) it prepares you for your future (with or without him) and (2) it lets him know what a great woman he will lose if he doesn't start to fix himself and repair his marriage. During this process, you should not act in an angry or unkind way to your WH, instead you should act indifferent to him. The goal is to get him to understand that you can live without him but also to leave the door open if he wants to come crawling back to you (and you should expect him to crawl at least a little bit).
When you tell him that his marriage is on the line, you also need to tell him what he needs to do to avoid your divorcing him. This should include your WH:
- coming totally clean about what he has done (telling him that he will have to take a polygraph test can be an amazingly effective way of getting the full truth),
- sincerely apologizing to you for cheating and taking full responsibility for his actions (no excuses, rationalizations or blaming you),
- sending the OW a letter stating that, for the sake of his marriage, he can have no further communications with her (he writes the letter, gives it to you to see and you mail it),
- breaking off all contact with the OW (even if that means changing jobs),
- disclosing to his and your family and possibly others (e.g., his minister, priest or rabbi) what he has done and
- agreeing to marriage counseling and, as appropriate, individual counseling (something that you may also want to get).
I also agree with the advice that you should disclose the affair to the OW's fiance. The poor guy deserves to know what kind of woman he is engaged to.
In addition to seeking advice from sources like TAM, you should consider discussing your problem with close family and trusted friends in order to build an emotional support network. You will need it. But be careful whose advice you take. Some people will filter your problem through their own distorted lens (e.g., people bitter over their own marriage problems). It's your life and your decision, so don't be unduly influenced by others.
If you are a religious person, seking spiritual counseling and praying for wisdom and strength will also help you.
Finally, try as best you can to separate your emotions from your reasoning. You need to think as clearly as possible about your situation and how best to address it and that requires a logical plan, not an emotional response. Also, be careful not to rely on alcohol or other drugs to deal with your pain, as this will only exacerbate your problems and lead to bad choices on your part.
I sincerely hope that you find this advice helpful and I wish you the best in this most difficult time.
thanks for clearing that up for me - we are not out of the woods just yet - I just want peace and someone to love me. That is not much.
