I've been down this road too. My estranged husband has been texting, emailing and FB old flames for years. I first found out about it 6 yrs ago when he left his facebook open and I happened to read messages from him telling one of his exes how miserable his marriage was, and that he was only sticking around because of our child. She was telling him she always loved him.. yada yada.
I was shocked, up until then I thought we had a good relationship and he was faitfull. I confronted him he accused me of snooping. I told him he had to stop it. He did but.... he started to resent me a lot for making him give up HIS FRIENDS! He told me over the years I ruined his life, etc.
Then it started up again. This time it was with other women from his past. And he went underground. Secret phone calls, texts, emails and MEETINGS. I found out by accident. He said he needed someone to talk to, and he confessed he tells these women all his marriage problems and that they are "there for him".
We've been to counselling. The therapist has told him until she is blue in the face that his behaviour is wrong and very damaging and he just says "I don't agree". I've asked him time and time again to stop. Again I get the "you're making me dump my old friends".
My point is, you can go to therapy all you want. If this man has a different set of values from you, a different idea of what a marriage is, he will never change and he will just turn on you as the reason for his woes, and "ruining his life".
In my husband's case, he came from a divorced home where even when his parents were still married both of them didn't have anything to do with each other. Father had girlfriends on the side, mother was zonked out on prescription meds. After his parents nasty and bitter divorce both parents re-married within 3 months, and divorced again and remarried again then his dad died of cancer. I understand he has a sick view on marriage but if you seek help and a therapist tells you what is normal and you ignore it and continue down the same path as your parents... you have no hope. I told him that and he said "well maybe I'm just not cut out to be married".
I said maybe you should have told me that before we got married and had children together.
My STBXH says he loves me but he won't stop seeing these women and he would give me (and our child) up to keep his dear "friends". He tells me he knew them before he knew me so they are more important. By the way, all these women are SINGLE.. products of their own divorces.
I often ask myself what sort of women hang around married men and get involved in their marriage problems. But then again all I have to do is look at this forum and realize there's literally millions of them.
Let me also say that the effect his emotional infidelity has had on the way I feel about him is huge. I pulled away over these past 6 yrs, I don't trust him, I don't feel comfortable sharing with him or showing him affection and love. I don't feel he's my husband and what goes on between us stays between us.
He's dug his own wedding grave in my opinion.
ps. After the last set of emails and texts I discovered I kicked him out of our house and I'm getting ready to file for divorce. You CANNOT go on like this. Make the move, set your boundaries.
