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We've been together 20 years (F45 m42) married almost 16 yrs and have 3 teen/preteen kids. He is the primary breadwinner (Trucker) I am on Disability. He says he wants an open relationship because he is Polyamorous or non monogamous. I have always lifted him up let him know how much i love him and care about him told him how sexy and handsome he is I always tried to be who or what he needed. Most of our relationship i did what he asked of me that is until I just couldn't anymore i began to get panic attacks and it got to a point where for 2 yrs i couldn't leave the house because i felt like something horrible would happen. since he asked for a divorce i have come to realize that my anxiety and in ability to be intimate comes from not feeling secure or safe in my relationship. I have spent most of our marriage hearing him tell me where i fall short what i am doing wrong and what i could do to please him, never did he once ask me how i felt or what i needed from him to help me through things or what i needed to feel loved by him. I have made it clear that this was it I will not take him back. Where i need advice is he has asked me to hold off on filing for a divorce until we can figure out what life will look like separated he wants to spend his off time in a camper in our driveway(we live in the country it is a very big driveway) 5-7 days a month he says he will give me sole legal custody and sole physical custody an he would give us 75% of his check for spousal and child support. Am i being an idiot for considering this? He has been my best friend for 20 years he isn't a bad guy i think he just needs to see what life could be like and he chose to go about thing in the wrong way. I don't want a nasty battle and i feel like if i don't let him do this his way my kids will resent me for chasing him away...
 

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I don't think it's wise to consider his 'offer' because there is nothing to hold him to it if no divorce papers have been filed.

A lot of guys promise things like "give us 75% of his check for spousal and child support" when they first bring up divorce. It's a way for them to pretend to themselves that they are not being selfish and the bad guy. My husband told me that he would always take care of me, even after the divorce. LOL... yea, the entire offer from him when I filed for divorce was $350 a month in child support and nothing in spousal support. And he's an MD who makes very good money and I supported him and or son through medical school. Luckily I had a good lawyer. The final settlement was a lot better than his measly offer.

Basically, it sounds like your husband want sto live in your driveway, date other women, but have you on the hook as plan B. If you agree to this, he is going to walk all over you.

You would do very well to learn about the divorce laws in your state. You should get alimony and child support during the divorce and after the divorce. I don't know how long the alimony will last since I don't know your state and cannot look up the laws there.

If he wants see what it's like to live without you and the children then file for divorce sooner than later. Let him see what divorce will look like. After all he will not have the full experience until the papers are filed.
 

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Am i being an idiot for considering this?
No, you aren't being an "idiot" to want as much of an intact home for your children and yourself as you can.
You just need to understand, this is not an action which leads to your goal, rather, it leads farther away.

He has been my best friend for 20 years
No, ma'am. I'm very sorry to bear this news to you, your husband is NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND. In fact, he is not your friend at all. A friend would not disparage you continually. A friend would not be "polyamorous" which is an excuse for the truth, that he is a selfish, self-centered BASTARD who has an itching dong.

he isn't a bad guy
No, ma'am. I'm very sorry to bear this news to you, your husband IS A BAD GUY. He has the potential to be a good guy, but he doesn't want to be, and he tries, through his gaslighting, to make it your fault that he's not.

i think he just needs to see what life could be like
No, ma'am. I'm very sorry to bear this news to you, your husband ALREADY KNOWS what life could be like. That's why he's trying to "buy you off" cheap. That 75% of his income will dwindle quickly toward zero, with no enforcement in place. He wants a "get out of jail" card....
 

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He says he wants an open relationship because he is Polyamorous or non monogamous.
LOL. I love when cheaters suddenly "discover" this life-altering fact about themselves - only after they want out of their marriage for their new love interest, of course. Let me guess - Mr. Wonderful was completely "unaware" of his polyamourous leanings for the last 18 years and has JUST made this miraculous discovery about himself! What a joke this guy is. He wants time to explore how things will go with his new girlfriend an wants YOU to wait around patiently while he does it.

I have spent most of our marriage hearing him tell me where i fall short what i am doing wrong and what i could do to please him, never did he once ask me how i felt or what i needed from him to help me through things or what i needed to feel loved by him.
He sounds like quite the catch.

I have made it clear that this was it I will not take him back. Where i need advice is he has asked me to hold off on filing for a divorce until we can figure out what life will look like separated he wants to spend his off time in a camper in our driveway(we live in the country it is a very big driveway) 5-7 days a month
Let me translate that for you.

"I've started a new relationship and my marriage to you is REALLY cramping my style! I've promised my girlfriend I'd leave you, but I have to look out for my OWN ass and make sure I'm doing the right thing - for ME - before I burn this bridge. So, I'd like 5-7 days a month to be free from your prying eyes so I can spend that time with my girlfriend to make sure I'm doing the right thing - for ME, of course."

he says he will give me sole legal custody and sole physical custody an he would give us 75% of his check for spousal and child support.
I guess you won't need to bother clearing off a space on your mantle anytime soon in anticipation of the "Father of the Year" prize patrol showing up at your door with his award. This guy is SUCH a piece of ****.

He's willing to turn his back on his wife, willing to turn his back on his kids, and claims he'll pay handsomely for that privilege, yet you actually claim, "he's not a bad guy." Sadly, you've LOWERED your expectations to below sea level if you make a deluded statement like that about someone who is THIS anxious to desert his wife and kids for his new girlfriend. How can you not SEE that????

Am i being an idiot for considering this?
Absolutely. Why on earth would any woman agree to eat the **** sandwich he's trying to serve you?

What you've got is a selfish, opportunistic POS who is more than willing to toss you and his kids out like yesterday's garbage if things go well with his new girlfriend.

You are PLAN B.

You are an OPTION.

You are the DEFAULT fall-back plan should his new relationship fall flat and he needs to be able to come back home.

THAT'S what you would be if you're foolish enough to agree to this **** show he's offered.

And if you actually allow yourself to be disrespected to this level by agreeing to stick around waiting for this POS while he test drives his new girlfriend to make sure she's a good fit, then you've basically agreed to be his fall-back option.

Just because you've been with him 20 years doesn't mean you have to swallow your pride and self respect just to cling to him like grim death at all costs. NEVER allow anyone to disrespect you and devalue you to this level!

If I were you, I couldn't run FAST enough to my lawyer's office. Honestly, my friggen high heels would be smoking by the time I entered his office.
 

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We've been together 20 years (F45 m42) married almost 16 yrs and have 3 teen/preteen kids. He is the primary breadwinner (Trucker) I am on Disability. He says he wants an open relationship because he is Polyamorous or non monogamous. I have always lifted him up let him know how much i love him and care about him told him how sexy and handsome he is I always tried to be who or what he needed. Most of our relationship i did what he asked of me that is until I just couldn't anymore i began to get panic attacks and it got to a point where for 2 yrs i couldn't leave the house because i felt like something horrible would happen. since he asked for a divorce i have come to realize that my anxiety and in ability to be intimate comes from not feeling secure or safe in my relationship. I have spent most of our marriage hearing him tell me where i fall short what i am doing wrong and what i could do to please him, never did he once ask me how i felt or what i needed from him to help me through things or what i needed to feel loved by him. I have made it clear that this was it I will not take him back. Where i need advice is he has asked me to hold off on filing for a divorce until we can figure out what life will look like separated he wants to spend his off time in a camper in our driveway(we live in the country it is a very big driveway) 5-7 days a month he says he will give me sole legal custody and sole physical custody an he would give us 75% of his check for spousal and child support. Am i being an idiot for considering this? He has been my best friend for 20 years he isn't a bad guy i think he just needs to see what life could be like and he chose to go about thing in the wrong way. I don't want a nasty battle and i feel like if i don't let him do this his way my kids will resent me for chasing him away...
As the others have pointed out, you need to protect yourself. It's all or nothing as far as this situation goes. As a poly, I can tell you that many people for whom poly is as innate as any sexual orientation, they can hide it from themselves even in the thought that they can't or shouldn't be like that. However, from the description you give, poly or not, he isn't playing straight with you. Now here is a key point for you. If you feel that you could not be in a relationship with a poly person (yes there are indeed poly/mono relationships), then the fact that he has claimed to be poly, means that you need to leave. If that is not you, and he can't forgo other relationships, then it's not a match no matter how good he is.

As EleGirl said, check your local laws. In my state, with some exceptions, there must be a year of physical separation before a divorce can be filed. If he wants to make his 75% offer, get it in writing. Otherwise it's a no go on waiting. At least if you have things in writing and filled with your lawyer, he can't say that he never made that offer. I'm not going to go as full tilt as She'sStillGotIt went, and says he fully is the bad guy here, but he is indeed handling this wrong. Maybe you are not a good match. Either way, protect yourself, get a lawyer, and be prepared to do what is needed.
 

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LOL. I love when cheaters suddenly "discover" this life-altering fact about themselves - only after they want out of their marriage for their new love interest, of course. Let me guess - Mr. Wonderful was completely "unaware" of his polyamourous leanings for the last 18 years and has JUST made this miraculous discovery about himself!
The thing is that this is not uncommon. While we (polys) are starting to be as open and visible as the LBGT community, we are only just starting to do so. So indeed many people are just now discovering that this could be a thing. While I will not disagree that this specific person is not engaging the ethical part of ethical non-monogamy, your statement leaves an implication that such is how all such discoveries go.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
As the others have pointed out, you need to protect yourself. It's all or nothing as far as this situation goes. As a poly, I can tell you that many people for whom poly is as innate as any sexual orientation, they can hide it from themselves even in the thought that they can't or shouldn't be like that. However, from the description you give, poly or not, he isn't playing straight with you. Now here is a key point for you. If you feel that you could not be in a relationship with a poly person (yes there are indeed poly/mono relationships), then the fact that he has claimed to be poly, means that you need to leave. If that is not you, and he can't forgo other relationships, then it's not a match no matter how good he is.

As EleGirl said, check your local laws. In my state, with some exceptions, there must be a year of physical separation before a divorce can be filed. If he wants to make his 75% offer, get it in writing. Otherwise it's a no go on waiting. At least if you have things in writing and filled with your lawyer, he can't say that he never made that offer. I'm not going to go as full tilt as She'sStillGotIt went, and says he fully is the bad guy here, but he is indeed handling this wrong. Maybe you are not a good match. Either way, protect yourself, get a lawyer, and be prepared to do what is needed.
i just want to start by saying thank you!! I appreciate you opinion very much because you do understand that world and you get this. He has said that he didn't know this was a thing when we got together otherwise he would have told me that it was what he wanted he has told me about it over the years but said he would never leave that if he did it it would be ethically with me we seperated about 10 yrs ago so he could figure out what he really wanted and he chose to come home after 6 month( the amount of time was my doing) because i wanted him to really think about it and come to a decision he said he would always chose me because he couldn't see life without me. That is why this hit me so hard because even though he has mentioned things about poly since it has never been in a pressure type come do this way. I honestly don't think he is going to try to screw me in this and he hasn't cheated on me that is not the kind of man he is our paths just dont match anymore and i am trying to keep this civil. He did say he was willing to write out our child support and spousal support plan if i wanted to so that i have it. In Minnesota we have a 180 day separation before a divorce is granted. he won't be living in the house but in a camper on the property so that he can continue to pay the bills and such. is having something in writing with both of us signing it proof that he has agreed to the specific support? thanks for the advice!!
 

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First, and please don't take this the wrong way, can you work a little on the punctuation? I had a hard time with some of the run on sentences. I'm not trying to be mean, I just want to make sure I am understanding what you are writing.

Going to jump to the end next. It will be evidence at the least. The court might not hold him to your agreement. The court seeks to make sure that what occurs is fair to both parties and that the children's interests are accounted for. That said, I am aware of some spouses who have a court ordered amount to provide, but they then provide above and beyond that. Regardless, you want something that shows that you are not just making things up when you claim them in court. Also, check with a lawyer, and see if the arrangement of him being on the property but away from you is considered by the court to be part of the separation period. Heck if he stays out for more than 180 days, it might count. Longest I was ever out was 30, IIRC, but I know some truckers who will do months on end to have a large at home period.

As for your overall problem. I want to make sure I have details straight. At this point, he is asking for a divorce, but is also asking that it not be started yet, just so he can see whether he really wants it or not?
 

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The court might not hold him to your agreement. The court seeks to make sure that what occurs is fair to both parties and that the children's interests are accounted for.
richangel3,

This is an important point. The court/judge will most likely not approve of an agreement that is not in line with the state divorce laws. They also would not be very likely to hold up an agreement that is just between spouses even if you do things like have it notarized to prove that it really was each of you who signed it. You would do well to have an attorney look over any agreement and do whatever is necessary to make it legally binding. This might mean also filing for divorce or a legal separation if your state has this.

Also, check with a lawyer, and see if the arrangement of him being on the property but away from you is considered by the court to be part of the separation period. Heck if he stays out for more than 180 days, it might count. Longest I was ever out was 30, IIRC, but I know some truckers who will do months on end to have a large at home period.
richangel3,

If he is living on the property and paying the bills, the court might no consider that a separation. Check with a lawyer, you might need to set up your own bank accounts and pay your own bills out of that account to prove that you are separated. Again, you need to talk to an attorney to find out how the court will look at the kind of living arrangement he's suggesting.

Also, if he needs to live in the property in order to be able to pay the mortgage and other bills, then how would he be able to afford giving you 75% of his income after the divorce and also having to pay for a place of his own?
 

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i just want to start by saying thank you!! I appreciate you opinion very much because you do understand that world and you get this. He has said that he didn't know this was a thing when we got together otherwise he would have told me that it was what he wanted he has told me about it over the years but said he would never leave that if he did it it would be ethically with me we seperated about 10 yrs ago so he could figure out what he really wanted and he chose to come home after 6 month( the amount of time was my doing) because i wanted him to really think about it and come to a decision he said he would always chose me because he couldn't see life without me. That is why this hit me so hard because even though he has mentioned things about poly since it has never been in a pressure type come do this way. I honestly don't think he is going to try to screw me in this and he hasn't cheated on me that is not the kind of man he is our paths just dont match anymore and i am trying to keep this civil. He did say he was willing to write out our child support and spousal support plan if i wanted to so that i have it. In Minnesota we have a 180 day separation before a divorce is granted. he won't be living in the house but in a camper on the property so that he can continue to pay the bills and such. is having something in writing with both of us signing it proof that he has agreed to the specific support? thanks for the advice!!
If you do this get it notarized at least.
 

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Also, if he needs to live in the property in order to be able to pay the mortgage and other bills, then how would he be able to afford giving you 75% of his income after the divorce and also having to pay for a place of his own?
He's an OTR truck driver. He has a sleeper cab tractor. The big question is what kind does he have? I have seen ones that are damn near apartments in and of themselves. But as such he can easily get a small apartment for when he is home, or even go long term at a year round campground.
 

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maquiscat said:
Just to be clear, is this disparaging on the husband himself or on poly as a whole?
I only replied to the behavior of the OPs husband. I did not mean to be offensive to any subset of people. I did mean to be offensive to this husband, his "poly" excuse is a crock.
 

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The thing is that this is not uncommon. While we (polys) are starting to be as open and visible as the LBGT community, we are only just starting to do so. So indeed many people are just now discovering that this could be a thing. While I will not disagree that this specific person is not engaging the ethical part of ethical non-monogamy, your statement leaves an implication that such is how all such discoveries go.
The guy is a damned cheater. He's not some closeted, misunderstood 'poly' who finally had the guts to "come out." And even if he were, since when does THAT mean deserting your own children?

He's a low life cheater looking to give his wife some kind of "plausible" reason for why he's a low life cheater. I highly doubt Prince Charming the Trucker is facing the same struggles "polys" are facing.

Another cheater favorite they love to use is, "I'm a sex addict."

Just waiting for lover boy to use that one next.

ETA: Oh jeez, I see the OP has managed to once again delude herself into actually believing her lying husband's mile long line of bullshit about how he's just a poor, misunderstood "poly." Apparently, he got a 6 month hall pass years ago and when he was done having his fun, the OP actually took him back.

Hey OP, ask your "poly" husband how this miraculous new discovery he's made about himself (oh brother) somehow EQUALS him happily agreeing to sign over full custody of his kids to you? I looked but didn't see "happily deserting your kids" as a trait in the "newly outed poly" manual.

I'll wait.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
So first I would like to say thanks to those of you who had helpful advice or comments. We are getting a divorce and he has moved out, but this is not the end of our story we are both getting into counseling on our own and then we will be doing couples counseling. I can't and won't walk away from my husband, we have agreed to give it a year and then see where we are, both of us have made mistakes but neither of us could see past our own hurt and anger long enough to see what was going on with the other person. Maybe he didn't go about this in the right way but he got it out there and it got us talking, which we have talked more in the last week then we have in the last year.

to those who only see the worst in everyone

I appreciate that you may have been hurt deeply but that doesn't mean that everyone out there is bad, some people just don't know how to fix things when they get bad. My husband never cheated on me or abused me or treated me like ****, we just didn't know how to talk communicate. I am sorry for whatever you may have gone through and i hope someday you are able to see the good in people and learn to trust!! And maybe instead of being so aggressive and borderline abusive you can find a less hateful way to say things maybe with a little less venom and spite!!
 

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Although your last post sounds really good and well reasoned. It is not.

What you don't understand that is that the people that you are hurt, are people that have been through this before, we know what the deal it.

Since you did not say that much about where you are at, we all assume that you are just going with whatever he says, but then we really don't know.

If you think you can deal with him being "poly", then who are we to say different.

However, we have all seen this type of thing many times, and while we hope we are wrong, we usually are not.

I hope it all works out for you....
 

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So first I would like to say thanks to those of you who had helpful advice or comments. We are getting a divorce and he has moved out, but this is not the end of our story we are both getting into counseling on our own and then we will be doing couples counseling. I can't and won't walk away from my husband, we have agreed to give it a year and then see where we are, both of us have made mistakes but neither of us could see past our own hurt and anger long enough to see what was going on with the other person. Maybe he didn't go about this in the right way but he got it out there and it got us talking, which we have talked more in the last week then we have in the last year.

to those who only see the worst in everyone

I appreciate that you may have been hurt deeply but that doesn't mean that everyone out there is bad, some people just don't know how to fix things when they get bad. My husband never cheated on me or abused me or treated me like ****, we just didn't know how to talk communicate. I am sorry for whatever you may have gone through and i hope someday you are able to see the good in people and learn to trust!! And maybe instead of being so aggressive and borderline abusive you can find a less hateful way to say things maybe with a little less venom and spite!!
On first read, this response read like a virgin who's had sex one time trying to straighten out or give advice to a person that has been having sex for 20 ys years.

So honestly I chuckled a bit. Just being truthful.

Then as I reread it, it sounded like an advertisement for a new relationship book or counseling business, or just a naive response.

I'm sure I'm wrong, and all the best. It was very well articulated though.
 

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"I've started a new relationship and my marriage to you is REALLY cramping my style! I've promised my girlfriend I'd leave you, but I have to look out for my OWN ass and make sure I'm doing the right thing - for ME - before I burn this bridge. So, I'd like 5-7 days a month to be free from your prying eyes so I can spend that time with my girlfriend to make sure I'm doing the right thing - for ME, of course."
Will that camper be his conjugal room?
 
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