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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello!

I recently took a look at my computer's Internet history and was surprised to see a website called "Hot or Not" pop up numerous times at very late (early) times (1:00 am- 3:00 am). After clicking on the link I was directed to a profile page featuring my husband! It had several photo's of him and in the tag line it read "wants to meet women between the ages of 21 and 40 near _______ (where we live)" and in the interest sections it had "sex in the city" and "sex on the beach." After poking around the page a bit I learned that it had a chat where my husband had attempted to contact several women, only one had replied and only pleasantries had been exchanged. This was about a week ago. I did not say anything to him and did not change anything on the page. Today I checked the history again and found more of the same from last night, only now he has rated over 90 women in our area! Additionally, he has added Yahoo Messenger to our computer and his only contact (still pending) is a woman I don't know, who in her photo is obviously trying to be alluring.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do here. We have been married for less than two years and dated three years prior to getting married. I have never thought that he has cheated on me. However, when we first dated there was an issue with him having inappropriate conversations with girls on facebook. Basically, I feel as though this is a dangerous route that could lead to cheating and even if it did not, I am uncomfortable with the idea of him having online "relationships" with real women. Thoughts?
 

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I have been married for 23 years and if I had ever found something like that you better bet he would know it. :mad: I would confront him about it. I would also be willing to go to marriage counseling with him, well to be honest I would insist on it. If you let it go until he ends up actually cheating it will be harder for you to ever get over. Others might not agree, but I have always let my husband know exactly how I feel, and there is no way I could keep that in.
 

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I've been through this. Right now he can say that he was wrong but only looking cause he was crious that this garbage even exists.. or some other stupid excuse.

Put a keylogger on the computer.. one that sends reports to an email or to a website. This way you can watch what he's doing from afar.

Once your have more solid info confront with it. He's going pretty fast here so only a few days of data should be enough. And do not divulge yoru source of info. He'll just go underground with it.

Also, before you confront know what you what.. divorce? recovery? If it's recovery what do you expect him to do?
 

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I have been married for 23 years and if I had ever found something like that you better bet he would know it. :mad: I would confront him about it.
You might confront your husband but it would be a bad move.

Not enough to go on he'll just say he was having some fun and sorry and he won't do it again and then he'll just be more careful and cover his tracks.

His actions need to be monitored until it's obvious he's having or about to have an affair and then it's time for the divorce lawyer.

No need to confront him nothing needs to be proven you both know the truth and the fact is you're married 2 years and he's looking to meet other women.

Things won't be be better in 10 years if you stick it out that's for sure.
 

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I agree that you need to install a keylogger and monitor what he's doing. I'd also check his cellphone, because for all you know he might have already exchanged numbers with some of these women.

Quite frankly, though, on a 2 year marriage? I would be gone.
 

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I agree with everyone above. This marriage is not looking good at all. I am so sorry that you are going through this. The shock must be unspeakable. No matter what your husband says when you eventually do confront him, you know the truth. If he's so quick to cheat or look after 2 years, surely he'd have no qualms after 5,10,20 years. You should still be in your honeymoon phase.

In this thread and others, I wonder why it's so important to install tracking devices in cars, computers, phones, etc. If you know the truth, why do you need to prove to the cheater that he did, in fact, cheat?
 

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I've been through what you're going through, except when I found the chat and the Adult Friend Finder and Sexsearch profiles, I also found out that he had paid money to an escort service twice.

I agree that you need to gather evidence. A keylogger would be ideal. That will tell you the extent of what he's doing. With what you have right now, he will deny deny deny, and you will believe him, and you will let it go, and he will continue doing it.

And yes, figure out what you want. I kicked my husband out the day I found out. We were separated for 5 months.

Have no doubt, he IS cheating on you.
 

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Even if he was only doing it for some form of titillation it's completely inappropriate and very dangerous. All it takes is for a low point in your relationship combined with the right woman responding to him and he's highly likely to cheat.
 

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OP,
You can sign up on the same site/service he is on (using a fake name and picture of course) and contact him that way. Show your interest and see how far it will go.
 

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Lady, dont confront. I'm trying to pull out of a 25 year marraige. I was super naive and would always confront. He always minimized the situation. "He was curious, "she" was coming on to him. etc...etc...
His activities never ended. He just got good at hiding it. Or would accuse me of cheating etc..Or would back off for a bit and start up again. Gather evidence quietly. and do all of the advice given here.

Good luck.
 

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In this thread and others, I wonder why it's so important to install tracking devices in cars, computers, phones, etc. If you know the truth, why do you need to prove to the cheater that he did, in fact, cheat?
It's not so much to "prove" to the cheater that they are cheating, but rather to arm oneself with factual information to have on hand when confronting them.

A common tactic used by cheaters is called "gaslighting". This is when they say things like, "oh yeah, we're just friends" or "I wasn't ever at that hotel, I was watching Timmy's soccer game".

With facts gained from trackers or keyloggers or whatever, the betrayed spouse can stand firm about what's going on instead of wavering if he comes back and says something like "I was only checking out the profile of my friend at work so I could give her advice about it....that's why I had to contact her on IM". If in this instance you have black and white proof of who he was looking at and how many times and what the emails and chats were about, then you know he's either just a super nice dating guru for all the single girls around him, or that he's a big fat cheater and can respond accordingly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
To All,

Thank you for your opinions and suggestions. I did ask him about it this morning...and he lied. He said he does not have a current account but was attempting to delete an old one from before we were married. I know this is false because the site was still logged on when I found it. All this being said, I am not convinced he is cheating on me and I am not ready to simply give him his marching orders. Apart from this one blip, our marriage is very good. Perhaps he is looking for reassurance that he is still desirable (he has gained a considerable amount of weight in the last couple years)? I may try the key logger...not really sure how I would feel about spying that way though.
 

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What is your definition of cheating?? What he's done sure fits mine. It isn't just a 'blip'. In your own words, he is having inappropriate relationships with other women. Do you know what an emotional affair is?

This book may open your eyes

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

You know he's a liar, why would you hesitate to protect yourself by finding out what the extent of his lies are??
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hope1964- As far as I know there have been no "relationships." I used the word earlier trying to convey that as a fear. So far, all that he has done is say "Hello" "How are you?" etc. and rated 90 women as "hot" or "not"
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Also-I am defining cheating as either:

a.) a physical act
b.) an emotional state in which he romantically loves another woman

I would consider option "b" to be the emotional affair.
 

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Key words - 'so far'. And you don't even know for sure that's all he's done.

By your definition of cheating, then, it would be OK for him to engage in cybersex? As long as there was no emotion involved? What about emailing pictures of his junk around? What about even just SAYING he would like to meet up for sex with someone random? What about sexting? What about hiding all this from you?

You know he IS hiding things. You know he is attempting to engage other women. Do you think he's fishing just for someone to talk about the state of world affairs with?

My husband started out doing almost exactly what yours is. You've discovered this hopefully before it escalates. If you don't address this now, it WILL escalate.

You need to find out exactly how far it's gone (hence the keylogger) and then confront him. I really hope that you have found it early enough and that you can nip it in the bud.
 

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As a former constant liar/a-hole who has been straightened out by a mean as h*** wife, I feel obligated to give my perspective because you seem just like the women I took advantage of and mentally abused in the past. They were all very sweet, loved me very much, but I'd always lie to them and just use them. In the end, I was always the one leaving. After meeting my wife, I realized how lucky I was at the time to be with women like you (I'm not saying she's an awful person; I am saying being with her has given me a new perspective on my past relationships). I would have never changed had I never left them, just as your husband will not have a stroke of honesty and decide he's going to change you. I needed this rude awakening just like he will need one. It took about 1.5 years, a ton of fighting, and consequently a very strained relationship to get it out of me. My wife, however, is very stubborn, mean, and she can withstand a whole lot of pain and torture...and since you seem very sweet and good-natured, I honestly don't think you could pull it off. You wouldn't want to because it'd mean you are that type of person who could.

Thank you for your opinions and suggestions. I did ask him about it this morning...and he lied. He said he does not have a current account but was attempting to delete an old one from before we were married. I know this is false because the site was still logged on when I found it.
So, we know he's a lying sack. This is great since some guys are so good at lying, they can keep you in a gray area for a very long time. You're halfway there.

All this being said, I am not convinced he is cheating on me and I am not ready to simply give him his marching orders. Apart from this one blip, our marriage is very good. Perhaps he is looking for reassurance that he is still desirable (he has gained a considerable amount of weight in the last couple years)?
He might not be cheating on you, but he is a liar. What do you think you would have found on those chat transcripts if he were good looking and in great shape? Do you think he would have chatted up some of these women and then in the end said, whooooaa that's enough I don't actually want to cheat on my wife, I just want some people to think I'm hot that's all.

Just for the record, I don't know know, nor have I ever heard, that a guy just needs reassurance that he's hot to feel good about himself. I know this is a more common thing among women, and there's nothing wrong with that, but guys don't need that. We care about how much money we make, how hot our wives are, and how big we're packing.

I'm kidding, but I'm trying to illustrate that we care about very different things so putting yourself in his shoes won't get you very far.

I may try the key logger...not really sure how I would feel about spying that way though.
Well, he had no qualms about lying to you. When you're dealing with a liar, you need to be very firm and unwavering (which will be very tough to do). He will redirect, gaslight, think of anything to either make you think you're wrong, guilt you, threaten to leave you...anything to get you off track. You need to remember that you are the one being wronged here and you need to be very clear about that.

Yes it's spying, but when someone has broken your trust, he loses that privilege. If I were your husband and you brought the key logger up to me, one of things I would use in my defense was that you broke our trust by using the key logger, and then I'd try to get us into a morality debate to make you feel bad (and cuz I'm an a-hole I'd feel totally fine about it), and keep finding ways to undermine your self esteem. I'd find other unrelated ways to keep breaking you down until I'm finally done with you and I think I have better prospects.

Being with a liar is one of the most painful and torturous things one can endure. They get better and better at it with more and more practice, and trust me, it will be at your expense. I won't tell you to leave him, but I hope you can really weigh the gravity of your situation because you could end up like a woman I was with before: she moved halfway across the world to be with me, her self esteem torn down to nothing, was cheated on several times, and was sent packing after three years painful years and had nothing to show for it.
 

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Maybe he's not cheating on you today. What do you think will happen the day your relationship hits a low point and he manages to get a message from a really hot woman that same day?

He's playing with fire and being completely disrespectful to you. To me that would be more than a blip.
 

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As a guy who has done this, I'll give you a tip that will stop him in his tracks and make him think twice about doing anything like it:

Create a fake profile on the site.

Figure out how to message him (this can be tricky on some sites like hot or not... where I think you have to mutually match).

In the message, say something along the lines of "I know you. You're married. This profile is just a fake one I made to contact you. You know anyone in town can see your picture right? Someone will tell [wife's name]. You really need to delete your account and stay off dating sites."

He will flip, panic and delete.

The underlying issue causing him to wander is likely his own self-esteem. Particularly if he's on hot or not, which is a rating site you go to see how attractive other people think you are. I don't have a suggestion on how to resolve that, but this action will probably spook him enough to stay off dating sites.


Edit: darn it, kept reading... if you already confronted him then my plan won't work. He'll just think you found it, delete it, and go somewhere else. There are too many dating sites to constantly check them all.
 
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Just for the record, I don't know know, nor have I ever heard, that a guy just needs reassurance that he's hot to feel good about himself. I know this is a more common thing among women, and there's nothing wrong with that, but guys don't need that. We care about how much money we make, how hot our wives are, and how big we're packing.
Let me introduce you to myself then as exhibit A. I sought confirmation and the narcissistic supply I got from a woman expressing interest in me.

Money - check. Hot wife - check. Packing enough - check.

"Yay, she likes me, I'm awesome" and soon the thrill of conquest.

And I never had any intention of leaving my wife. My therapist explained it as my self worth being water in a cup, but the cup has a hole in it. The water leaks out and new sources must be found to keep it full. All sources (money, wife etc) eventually yield less water. Some of us just don't generate self-worth internally. Something went wrong somewhere and how we value ourselves is tied to the external sources that prove our worth... like being desired by women. Its a core self-esteem issue.

Of course, he might be nothing like me and he just wants some side booty. But Hot or Not is probably an indication that he's like me. I had a hot or not profile, originally just for ego confirmation. I'd think I was awesome when I tipped into the low 9's... and I'd think I was unattractive when I dipped down to the upper 8s. I had a few pics that fell in the 7s... yeah... they got deleted. lol

Also be aware, that if he's cornered, he will try to blame his behavior on you... and you'll probably buy it.
 
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