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What's with the mask? Is this a covid type mask or halloween type mask or,,,?
 

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Do people really do this? I mean it does seem like a good option but will a man really take the time to do all that when he isn’t interested in sex?
Some will. I'll spend 1-2 hours on my wife and sometimes it leads to more but often it doesn't. That doesn't mean your husband will though. He's hiding whatever his issues are and you will have issues until that stops and the issues are dealt with.

His issues could be anything, but whatever they are, he doesn't want you to know. Maybe he's still working on figuring them out but they are obviously hard for him to share.

If this is a cause of his intimacy issues, and he's working on it in therapy, then you may just have to give him time and understanding. Sometimes my wife talks about something with her IC and out of the blue I can't touch her thighs for 2-3 months. Or something will come to mind and x activity is off the table for months.

should I mention that I’m considering other options such as an affair or just talking to a man on the phone as I masterbate?
STOP considering those "options". They shouldn't even be options.

Do you know what his "childhood issues" are? Or at least what he has admitted to? A ton of people drink to bury those issues, so it's not surprising that he can no longer hide them. Telling him you're going to leave or cheat could very well make things worse.

You can't stick around forever but I would start by telling him you are trying to be patient but you need better communication of these issues, what he's dealing with and what he needs from you.
 

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Well the easy one to make stick is divorce. If this doesn’t change then the relationship is over. One way or the other that will fix things.

You can also suggest an open relationship I guess but I would never do that myself. I don’t want to be with multiple partners and I don’t want to outsource sex when my wife is physically capable.
The way I view divorce is that it is OK if you are young and have no children and you are confident you can get a young man with no children. Els you end up with a large extended family of both adults and kids each having their own agenda on you. If I were to marry a man who has two children by his ex and I current have two by my would then be ex, that means 5 adults to interact with when there was only one before and who knows how many more kids when there was only 2 before. NO. If I divorce due to any issue at all, I would not go into another relationship.
 

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Other than your sex life are y’all happy? If you are prepare to destroy that by suggesting affairs and/or phone sex with someone else. Just my 2 cents.
I Agree if everything else in your marriage is what you’ve always wanted in a marriage with the exception of sex frequency and ”adventure” in the bedroom. A talk about you bringing someone in to satisfy you may just light the fuse that blows up your life.
 

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VERY helpful!! First, I think u are right about his insecurities now without drinking. He often wants me to wear a mask which was never done before. Ok, one sided experiences- uugghh this seems awkward. So I just explain that to him and then ask him to just pleasure me when he doesn’t feel like sex? Do people really do this? I mean it does seem like a good option but will a man really take the time to do all that when he isn’t interested in sex?
I am pretty easy to please. That’s part of the problem. I guess because we’ve been together so long he can make me orgasim in about 3-5 minutes. I don’t want that! I want foreplay and touching for at about 10-15 minutes before the orgasim. How do I get that?
I have read many books and indeed a lot boils down to self confidence. In particular in the ability to confidently talk about your desires as well as express them physically.

Psychology books often use the analogy of gift giving. Some people are easy to buy a gift for while others are extremely challenging. So ask yourself if you and your spouse are good at giving each other gifts, or if you struggle to get something meaningful to each other. Thinking through that will help reveal how confident each of you are at sharing and discovering the things you each enjoy for yourselves. Some folks feel undeserving and never speak up for themselves, and as a result others sometimes feel it is impossible to buy a gift for them.

The dynamics of sexuality go a step further in that as a couple you have to give each other the confidence to be sexually selfish in the presence of the other. Most people tend to focus too much on making the other person happy and as a result can become difficult to please each other as a couple (because neither knows what the other wants and both want to please each other while feeling underserving of pleasure themself).

So YES, do work on one-sided experiences. DO tell your husband to focus on foreplay. Perhaps talk to him about the idea of "edging" which is when someone sustains a high level of arousal while purposely delaying climax. Odds are as a result you may have more than one climax when that happens and he should respond to that in a way that compels him to join in the action at some point. He may not respond every time, but you can also encourage him to enjoy one-sided experiences so that you learn more about what he likes if he is allowed to be selfish with receiving pleasure.

It is actually a difficult thing to do. Particularly realizing that some of your pleasure may come at making your partner uncomfortable. But many of these concerns are unfounded and come from within our own feeling of self doubt of being undeserving of pleasure. If something makes your partner uncomfortable, he will tell you. Otherwise he is likely enjoying himself by learning to give you the gift of pleasure.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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How do I get that?
PS: Therapists often assign couples exercises to gain skills and confidence via nonsexual intimacy such as a back rub. I think the progression goes like this:

  • touching to give pleasure (as in a back rub)
  • touching to receive pleasure (as in responding to a partner's pleasure)
  • touching to mutually give and receive pleasure (as in this is where the magic happens!)
 

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He often wants me to wear a mask which was never done before.
If this is a blindfold, it means that he feels uncomfortable being seen. This would indicate that he feels ashamed of his sexuality and you may need to work on that.

If it is an ornate mask (similar to what someone would wear in a masquerade), he may be attempting to role play and imagine you as someone else. Nothing wrong with this, but if this is the case it should be discussed openly. Certain folks are all about role play and fantasy scenarios, and there are some personalities that are incompatible with that. His previous use of alcohol may have hidden/obscured this.

There are three modes of lovemaking that have been identified by some psychologists:
  • Sensation based - as in an eyes closed and meditational experience (similar to tantric sex which is very elaborate with touching and meditation)
  • Partner based - what is commonly known as a romantic attraction between two people
  • Role play - folks that enjoy pretending to be someone else (like a fireman rescuing a woman trapped in her shower without water)

    People tend to be one of those three and some combinations are not very compatible.

    Badsanta
 

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If this is a blindfold, it means that he feels uncomfortable being seen. This would indicate that he feels ashamed of his sexuality and you may need to work on that.

Badsanta[/LIST]
I 100% disagree. Covering her face takes away who she is so he can freely fantasize about whoever he wants to without distractions. It's a purely selfish move.
 
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