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I’ll try to keep this short. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. Two years ago he confessed he’s been an alcoholic since a teen. I had no idea!! I know, so weird that I didn’t know but he was a master at hiding it, kept a job, etc. Anyway, we had great sex for the first 12 or so years. We had marital problems for about 6 years- did counseling about 2 years ago and 2 years ago he stopped drinking. Our relationship has gotten much better. He is still in counseling over some childhood trauma (not sexual trauma).
So we only have sex 2 times a month, it’s very orchestrated- has to be on a weekend, we have to have some kind of date first, etc. I am Sooo annoyed by this!! First I prefer 2x a week most weeks. The sex we do have is exactly the same every time- no foreplay, barely kissing - just kinda wham bam. We have discussed this many times with just each other and many times in counseling. He says he’s just not into sex as much without the alcohol and being older. Oh, I’m 52 and he’s 48. I’ve really started considering an affair. He doesn’t hug or kiss hardly ever. I need to be touched!!! Oh, and he is SUPER happy in this marriage now. He’s gets everything he wants- someone to talk to a lot, a best friend, companion, and sex when HE wants. I’m still left unfulfilled.
Anyone been in this boat?
 

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First...you're going to get ripped to shreds on this board for thinking about having an affair. So get ready for that.

Second....why have an affair if this has you feeling so unfulfilled? Do you think you can change him into your way of thinking on this? If you think you can, you're looking at a very very uphill battle.
 

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I’ll try to keep this short. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. Two years ago he confessed he’s been an alcoholic since a teen. I had no idea!! I know, so weird that I didn’t know but he was a master at hiding it, kept a job, etc. Anyway, we had great sex for the first 12 or so years. We had marital problems for about 6 years- did counseling about 2 years ago and 2 years ago he stopped drinking. Our relationship has gotten much better. He is still in counseling over some childhood trauma (not sexual trauma).
So we only have sex 2 times a month, it’s very orchestrated- has to be on a weekend, we have to have some kind of date first, etc. I am Sooo annoyed by this!! First I prefer 2x a week most weeks. The sex we do have is exactly the same every time- no foreplay, barely kissing - just kinda wham bam. We have discussed this many times with just each other and many times in counseling. He says he’s just not into sex as much without the alcohol and being older. Oh, I’m 52 and he’s 48. I’ve really started considering an affair. He doesn’t hug or kiss hardly ever. I need to be touched!!! Oh, and he is SUPER happy in this marriage now. He’s gets everything he wants- someone to talk to a lot, a best friend, companion, and sex when HE wants. I’m still left unfulfilled.
Anyone been in this boat?
If you are so unfulfilled, and he has no interest in changing, then divorce. Cheating is not the answer.

If he doesn't know how serious these issues are, tell him. Don't just assume he must know or has picked up on your hints.
 

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Just tell him if he doesn’t take care of your needs sexually it’s a deal breaker for you. Ask him if there is anything you can change about your behavior that is limiting him from being more active. Use “I feel...” a lot when you talk to him rather than “You do...”. Talk about how the lack of sex makes you feel and focus on that rather than his behavior.

Going from 1x a week to 2x to me seems doable if you’re really happy with 2x. I thought I would make a similar change but in reality I want it every day. Now at a happy medium of almost every day so maybe 5x a week and that is fine. This is going from 2-4x a month.

Let him know if he’s not getting you there and suggest how he can improve: oral, hand technique, toys, etc... As a woman who is also the sexual pursuer you need to make your orgasm your priority and if you want him involved and he’s not doing it you need to search for ways to help him.

For a guy who is the pursuer I have the opposite advice. Use whatever science you need to in order to make sure every session she has an orgasm (or more if she wants). In my case this has meant asking her help in improving my hand techniques, using condoms sometimes to get past her hang ups, introducing toys to the bedroom, working on myself so I can last longer in PIV.
 

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it's weird, because without the drink he should be more up to it, not the other way round. Ok, maybe he is more self-conscious, but hey, sex should be a lot better. That said, I have a friend who was a heavy drinker and when he got sober, he realised he didn't really fancy his wife anymore. With the drink, it was fine, without he just didn't like her.
 

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So we only have sex 2 times a month, it’s very orchestrated- has to be on a weekend, we have to have some kind of date first, etc. I am Sooo annoyed by this!! First I prefer 2x a week most weeks. The sex we do have is exactly the same every time- no foreplay, barely kissing - just kinda wham bam.
I doubt I have any helpful advice... in my opinion your husband may struggle with his self confidence when combined with being vulnerable around you. As in being sober and naked may give him some sort of anxiety. He copes with this by forming a routine that quenches his desire as efficiently as possible. Going out on a date is likely a distraction because then perhaps he feels he is pleasuring you with food or getting out of the house as opposed to doing that himself.

Here are some things that may help:
  • Take responsibility for your own pleasure and be willing to share that with him. As in pleasure yourself in front of him. This may help take away some of his anxiety about being vulnerable in front of you (if that is the case).
  • Have a discussion about one-sided experiences. As in you have sex in a way that only focuses on one person. This is generally prompted by the person that wants to receive pleasure as a favor with the understanding that it will likely not be mutually arousing for the person giving the pleasure. (This can be very challenging ego-wise, but it is important to know how to accept pleasure and be easy to please) It seems like your husband it good at this, but that you may be the one that needs to work on it.

At the end of the day, pleasure should be used to compliment each other and build each other's self confidence. When one gets demanding with pleasure it becomes a chore as well as a source of anxiety for the other.

My marriage is the other way around in that I generally have more desire than my wife. We now have a very thorough understanding of each other's ideal frequency and how that impacts the dynamics of our marriage. If I need a higher frequency than she is able to enjoy, I have to approach that with an understanding that some intimacy will be one sided and that I should not attempt to pleasure her. If she responds and gets in the mood then that is great and if not I get to be selfish and just focus on me (which she will do in a loving way). Historically I used to get upset if she couldn't get in the mood and refuse any of her attempts to make me happy (as I would insist on waiting until a better time).

What I am getting at is if you want more sex than your husband's libido allows for, then you need to be careful about trying to please him or insist that he be aroused. You need to work out a way that he can please you, and you need to mentally condition yourself to be easy to please. Even if that means you sometimes take responsibility for some of your own pleasure in a way that can be shared and compliment your spouse's desirability. As in, "I desire you a lot, let me share that with you and show you how happy it makes me!"

Stay away from, "I desire you a lot and you frustrate me to no end by not being enough for me!"
 

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Discussion Starter #8
First...you're going to get ripped to shreds on this board for thinking about having an affair. So get ready for that.

Second....why have an affair if this has you feeling so unfulfilled? Do you think you can change him into your way of thinking on this? If you think you can, you're looking at a very very uphill battle.
Because we are really good together now, great friends. I don’t want to loose him, I just need more affection and sex
 

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I doubt I have any helpful advice... in my opinion your husband may struggle with his self confidence when combined with being vulnerable around you. As in being sober and naked may give him some sort of anxiety. He copes with this by forming a routine that quenches his desire as efficiently as possible. Going out on a date is likely a distraction because then perhaps he feels he is pleasuring you with food or getting out of the house as opposed to doing that himself.

Here are some things that may help:
  • Take responsibility for your own pleasure and be willing to share that with him. As in pleasure yourself in front of him. This may help take away some of his anxiety about being vulnerable in front of you (if that is the case).
  • Have a discussion about one-sided experiences. As in you have sex in a way that only focuses on one person. This is generally prompted by the person that wants to receive pleasure as a favor with the understanding that it will likely not be mutually arousing for the person giving the pleasure. (This can be very challenging ego-wise, but it is important to know how to accept pleasure and be easy to please) It seems like your husband it good at this, but that you may be the one that needs to work on it.

At the end of the day, pleasure should be used to compliment each other and build each other's self confidence. When one gets demanding with pleasure it becomes a chore as well as a source of anxiety for the other.

My marriage is the other way around in that I generally have more desire than my wife. We now have a very thorough understanding of each other's ideal frequency and how that impacts the dynamics of our marriage. If I need a higher frequency than she is able to enjoy, I have to approach that with an understanding that some intimacy will be one sided and that I should not attempt to pleasure her. If she responds and gets in the mood then that is great and if not I get to be selfish and just focus on me (which she will do in a loving way). Historically I used to get upset if she couldn't get in the mood and refuse any of her attempts to make me happy (as I would insist on waiting until a better time).

What I am getting at is if you want more sex than your husband's libido allows for, then you need to be careful about trying to please him or insist that he be aroused. You need to work out a way that he can please you, and you need to mentally condition yourself to be easy to please. Even if that means you sometimes take responsibility for some of your own pleasure in a way that can be shared and compliment your spouse's desirability. As in, "I desire you a lot, let me share that with you and show you how happy it makes me!"

Stay away from, "I desire you a lot and you frustrate me to no end by not being enough for me!"
VERY helpful!! First, I think u are right about his insecurities now without drinking. He often wants me to wear a mask which was never done before. Ok, one sided experiences- uugghh this seems awkward. So I just explain that to him and then ask him to just pleasure me when he doesn’t feel like sex? Do people really do this? I mean it does seem like a good option but will a man really take the time to do all that when he isn’t interested in sex?
I am pretty easy to please. That’s part of the problem. I guess because we’ve been together so long he can make me orgasim in about 3-5 minutes. I don’t want that! I want foreplay and touching for at about 10-15 minutes before the orgasim. How do I get that?
 

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Hmm... I think you should just tell him straight up what you want. The difficulty might be if you’re not sure exactly or you want him to be dominant. Make sure to talk with him when he has time outside of the bedroom. If it’s not a good time have him suggest a time.

If you want foreplay let him know what type. I get off on my wife responding to what I am doing and will spend a good 20 minutes on that unless she drags me to bed.
 

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Hmm... I think you should just tell him straight up what you want. The difficulty might be if you’re not sure exactly or you want him to be dominant. Make sure to talk with him when he has time outside of the bedroom. If it’s not a good time have him suggest a time.

If you want foreplay let him know what type. I get off on my wife responding to what I am doing and will spend a good 20 minutes on that unless she drags me to bed.
We have had many conversations, just the 2 of us and with our marriage counselor. It has been a little while since the last one though. I have given him some examples but barely.

should I mention that I’m considering other options such as an affair or just talking to a man on the phone as I masterbate? I just want him to understand how real this is. I feel like we have a talk and then he forgets about it.
 

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Other than your sex life are y’all happy? If you are prepare to destroy that by suggesting affairs and/or phone sex with someone else. Just my 2 cents.
 

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Other than your sex life are y’all happy? If you are prepare to destroy that by suggesting affairs and/or phone sex with someone else. Just my 2 cents.
Yes, other than sex we are happy. What do I say to make it stick? To make him know how serious this is?
 

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Yes, other than sex we are happy. What do I say to make it stick? To make him know how serious this is?
You need to decide if it is a deal breaker in your marriage and then tell him that. Cheating isn’t the answer. Explain to him how it is a necessary part of the marriage to you. How was your sex life before you married?
 

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You need to decide if it is a deal breaker in your marriage and then tell him that. Cheating isn’t the answer. Explain to him how it is a necessary part of the marriage to you. How was your sex life before you married?
Pretty good for the first 7-8 years of our marriage
 

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Pretty good for the first 7-8 years of our marriage
I think perhaps the lack of alcohol does play a roll. It’s something he probably always did drunk. May even be a bit of a trigger for him. I think a more gentle approach would work better than suggesting some of the things you are suggesting.
 

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What happened after 7-8 years, it seems his behaviour changed?

And sorry, he is wanting you to wear a mask during sex, is that right? Is he physically attracted to you when you’re not having sex? Eg does he make eye contact when you talk, is he affectionate, compliments your appearance etc?
 

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Well the easy one to make stick is divorce. If this doesn’t change then the relationship is over. One way or the other that will fix things.

You can also suggest an open relationship I guess but I would never do that myself. I don’t want to be with multiple partners and I don’t want to outsource sex when my wife is physically capable.
 

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The subject came up and I told him. I basically said I don’t really want to have sex for a while. At first he just said “ok”. 😱😡 I said don’t you even want to know why??!! He said he’s known I haven’t been happy with it but he has all these intimacy issues. He doesn’t like physical touch very much.
he asked me if it was a deal breaker and I told him I don’t know yet. He endedup saying this is how I am right now. And so I said well I’m telling you what I need. He said he’ll talk to his counselor on Tuesday about it.
FYI I’ve asked many times in the last few monthsto be invited so we could have a couple session. Still not invited.
 

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I’ll try to keep this short. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. Two years ago he confessed he’s been an alcoholic since a teen. I had no idea!! I know, so weird that I didn’t know but he was a master at hiding it, kept a job, etc. Anyway, we had great sex for the first 12 or so years. We had marital problems for about 6 years- did counseling about 2 years ago and 2 years ago he stopped drinking. Our relationship has gotten much better. He is still in counseling over some childhood trauma (not sexual trauma).
So we only have sex 2 times a month, it’s very orchestrated- has to be on a weekend, we have to have some kind of date first, etc. I am Sooo annoyed by this!! First I prefer 2x a week most weeks. The sex we do have is exactly the same every time- no foreplay, barely kissing - just kinda wham bam. We have discussed this many times with just each other and many times in counseling. He says he’s just not into sex as much without the alcohol and being older. Oh, I’m 52 and he’s 48. I’ve really started considering an affair. He doesn’t hug or kiss hardly ever. I need to be touched!!! Oh, and he is SUPER happy in this marriage now. He’s gets everything he wants- someone to talk to a lot, a best friend, companion, and sex when HE wants. I’m still left unfulfilled.
Anyone been in this boat?
He likely has a hidden porn addiction as well. He hid his alcoholism from you for years so it's not out of the question. It is also very typical to have multiple addictions and porn/sex with alcoholism tends to be a common combination.
 
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