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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
First some backstory about my marriage:
I have been married for about 2 weeks to a woman who I have known for 20 years and lived together with for 8 years as a couple. We are in our early 30s and have no kids. I earn a very comfortable living, and she has a lot of debt. She was with me before I had money, and now she makes decent money as an RN. She is gorgeous, funny, intelligent, and she makes our house into a home Martha Stewart would be proud of, complete with regular cooking wizardry.

Now, before my wife was my wife, in high school she was one of the most sexually promiscuous people I knew, and slept with a lot of guys. We had an awkward one-night stand towards the end of this time. After that she was a lesbian for a while. The tattooed, gothic, leather corset to the bar, group sex having type. She came out of the closet to her family around the age of 19 and became “my gay friend” for a long time. She exclusively dated women for about 5 or 6 years. Then at 24 she dated a guy briefly and when they broke up we started dating. She says she now identifies as bi. When we first started dating, our sex life was extremely awkward. She was only interested in receiving oral sex. Nothing I did for the first 6 years of our relationship would outwardly arouse her. She had no visible interest in pleasuring me. She didn’t respond to my touch, and intercourse was always something I looked for, and was to be over as soon as possible. I am a fairly attractive and attentive lover, and for the first time in my life I was completely sexually powerless. Every time I tried to discuss it with her every 6 months or so when I couldn’t take it any longer, she would give me a different excuse as to the cause. She became very buttoned up and non sexual, even when drinking, and around friends of ours that are polyamorous. Possessive and hyper monogamous. I don’t want you, but no one else can have you. A complete 180. No sexual tension from her, complete roommate syndrome.

Her intimacy issues extended into the emotional realm also. This was the first girl I’d been with that couldn’t look deeply into my eyes, have meaningful conversations with, and absolutely refused to discuss her feelings for me or our relationship without bursting into tears and just sitting in awkward silence until I just got frustrated and would leave the room eventually. When asked directly how she felt about me or why she wanted to get married, all she was capable of saying was “I love you.” And she says those 3 words to me all the time. Her family doesn’t really communicate with each other either, so it could be some deep seated issues. She has alluded to having sex for the first time “against her will” as a teenager, but doesn’t claim to have been raped.

About 5 years into our relationship I proposed, as I realized I was deeply in love and despite our problems every other part of our relationship was amazing. Then my little brother took his own life which derailed the entire marriage idea for a time. It also sent me into a spiral of depression from which I have recovered. With her emotional issues, she was not an effective support system, but I managed to work through things mostly on my own and still struggle occasionally.

One night I overheard her talking to her friends in a condescending manner about how disgusting I was and how annoying it was to have me bothering her for sex and intimacy. Hearing her talk about me this way to our friends tore me apart. I wrote her a letter and told her I heard everything she had said and that I was about done with the situation and left for the weekend. When I came home she cried heavily, jumped on me and had passionate sex with me, told me she was sorry and pleaded with me to stay, and never provided an explanation as to her rant when asked where all the nasty things she had said had come from. No long term change in her behavior towards me.

About 7 years into our relationship it finally happened. An acquaintance of ours and I got very drunk at our home late one night and she threw herself at me. I had forgotten how it felt to be wanted, to feel that animal feeling that nothing in the world exists to a woman except your body. To have someone look at you like they want to devour you. I completely gave in. My girlfriend came home from work early and found us on the bathroom floor mostly naked. We hadn’t proceeded to do anything more serious than heavy petting, stripping, and making out yet, but honestly without the interruption it would have quickly progressed to intense, kinky monkey sex for hours. She yelled at me then stormed out. I stayed in a hotel for a week and told her when she was ready to talk, that I would be there. She invited me home, and we slowly worked it out. I mostly fell on the sword, but tried the whole time to express that the roots of why it happened were in the lack of intimacy in our relationship. I have harbored feelings of deep guilt ever since. Even this shock to our relationship didn’t change her behavior towards me.

Around this time she started working at a new job with a large changing group of people. She works third shift and is home alone all day while I am at work. She contracted bacterial vaginosis after working at her new job for 6 months. From what I have read, this can be caused by having a new sexual partner, and is more prevalent in women who sleep with other women. When I finally asked her to get checked out, she never once implied that the infection had come from me, which I thought strange, and acted like it was no big deal. Once she took medication, she acted like it never happened. It went away, and then came back twice after several months apart. One day around this time she mentioned talking to one of her female co-workers “J” (whose name had been coming up frequently) my wife telling stories about one of her full blown threesomes with a man and a woman in detail. It hurt me to hear someone so asexual to me for so long talk to strangers about something so sexual with strangers. The first question I asked was “is she hot?” and caught off guard she blurted out “well, yea!” The next time I heard about this girl, I overheard my wife telling a friend that when “J” was at a strip club, she told my wife she was “was thinking of her”. The only thing i really know about "J" is she recently married a guy and they are trying to have a baby together. They work third shift together and sometimes I see her texting back and forth with this girl late at night. They seemed awfully close for two people who have never hung out outside of work.

About a year ago, out of the blue my wife started getting very sexually responsive to me, emotionally present, and exactly what I had been missing. She had a voracious sexual appetite and started responding to me the way every girl I have ever been intimate with had my whole life. I could feel the love radiating back from her that I had been sending out for so long. Then right before our wedding, “J” posted a gift to our registry with a message including, “love you, gorgeous”. Then she bought some sexy lingerie for her (which none of her closest friends did) as a bridal shower present. She reluctantly told me where it came from when I asked. There were some suspect text messages about her boobs barely fitting into it, and the wife saying how I would like to see that, followed by “J” saying “I wouldn’t mind seeing that!” I have seen other texts about how they leave little love notes, and presents for each other at work. After the wedding there were some texts about how “J” loved her and missed her already. I have never exchanged I love you’s with a co-worker. I also realized that my wife constantly deletes texts from this girl, and no one else which is the main reason for my worry.

I’ve never met this girl at length, but seen her in passing she is younger than us, and very attractive, and fits the type that my wife would have dated. I approached the topic for the first time before we left for our honeymoon. I calmly told my wife that I wasn’t comfortable with her co-worker buying her lingerie and being so flirtatious and that I found their relationship borderline inappropriate. I asked if there was any discussion of “J” wanting to see her in the lingerie, and she lied and said no. She laughed it off and told me not to worry. We spent our honeymoon week in perfect bliss. The first thing she does when we get home is make a lunch date to hang out outside of work with the girl I just told her I wasn’t comfortable with. I explained to her again how I felt and she again just tried to laugh about it. I asked her how she would feel if I was in a flirtatious relationship with a hot girl at work, who bought me sexy undergarments and texted me late at night, and threw around I love you’s. She said that would be completely different. I explained to her that the thought of her being with a female doesn’t bother me, and is actually kind of arousing. I told her that what would bother me would be her keeping it from me, and to never be afraid to tell me if she had an attraction to someone else, and that I am not one to be physically possessive of my partner. Again she just changed the subject basically. In her words, if she was ever thinking about doing something like that, she would invite me… but “don’t hold your breath”. She ended by saying that she needs to make new friends, and that I have nothing to worry about. She wore sexy underwear to her lunch date, came back tasting like mint after leaving a pizza place, and had deleted all the texts from “J” again.

My heart is telling me to trust my new wife, but my brain is telling me something deeper has been going on here. To further confuse matters, I have been with 2 women simultaneously several times in the past, and it has been extremely hot. From day one she has violently opposed the idea of an open relationship, or having anyone else touch either one of us (despite her past), and I have let her know that I am more flexible in regards to monogamy. I guess I am looking for advice. I feel closer to her than ever before, but is she cheating on me? Is this new found energy coming from outside? Does anyone have any advice on good programs to intercept text messages? Or any suggestions for a hidden camera to see what is going at my house while I am at work every day? I am about to go out of town for business for a week and she seems very interested in the particulars of time frame. How should I handle her disregard of me trying to establish a boundary, without sounding like I am trying to prevent her from hanging out with people? I don’t like feeling this way, but am at a loss for what to do.
 

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Might I suggest that you take practically each sentence that you wrote about your sexual history and present existence with your wife and make it a question. The question is this:

Does it make sense to try to be in a marriage with someone who (insert sentence).

ie) Does it make sense to try to be in a marriage with a woman who finds me disgusting?

Does it make sense to try to be in a hetero marriage with a woman who is sexually attracted to women?

I think you will see that the answer is, NO. You all made the dreaded mistake of thinking that a wonderful friendship between two people could turn into a wonderful marriage just because the friendship was so good. It happens. No condemnation there.

You all should end your marriage NOW, while you can do so amicably. If you wait longer, she is going to do something to hurt your soul and then it will be war. It is hard to "uncouple" but for the sake of your friendship and emotional well being, you really need to do that. It is hard now, but it is better to say that you tried and realized that for the sake of your relationship you needed to end things. On the other hand, you can continue and lose your marriage, respect, self respect, and relationship. UNCOUPLE. I use that phrase because Divorce brings an air of adversity and acrimony to it.
 

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One night I overheard her talking to her friends in a condescending manner about how disgusting I was and how annoying it was to have me bothering her for sex and intimacy.
Um, what?

That would have been it for me right there. Why are you putting up with this?

Ever heard of the Sunk Cost Fallacy? Don't sink more of your life into this sick relationship. Move on, young man.
 

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I read till I caught this:

"the roots of why [I cheated] were in the lack of intimacy in our relationship."

I call bullsh!t. You cheated because you're selfish. If things were that bad, you should have divorced first.

I have no idea why you are married to this woman. END it already. Quit putting yourself through this.
 

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Is your wife cheating? Given your prior cheating, your liberal attitude about her with other women, and her bi-sexual nature; I'd put my money on it. But if she's not cheating now, odds are she will.

What you should do is write down a pro's and con's list about the future of your relationship. My guess, just based on what you already detailed, is that the cons list would out number the pros list substantially; and it would have been much the same if you had done that prior to marrying her. I'm scratching my head on why you did.

I don't think all those cons bode well for a sustained, happy relationship with her. I'm sorry, but to me it's just a disaster in waiting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
@jellybeans - "hasbian" is just a silly portmanteau of "has been" and "lesbian" that i saw in a magazine somewhere.

@Hope1964 - The incident of my infidelity predated our marriage by years. Maybe i should have left, but i couldnt bring myself to at the time. I was about to call it quits when i wrote her that letter, but she told me she would work on her issues. What happened was selfish, and I take full responsibility for my actions, but to rule out or not discuss with her the factors that led to my decision to accept another woman's advances wouldn't be fair to me or my now-wife. I included it as backstory for full disclosure, and do not want to make it the focus of this dicussion.

@chapparal - Samsung Intercept - I have physical access to the phone.
 

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If you do some reading around here, you'll find that anyone who tries to blame their choice to cheat on their SO gets treated pretty roughly. Whatever state your relationship was in is a completely and totally separate issue from your choice to cheat (OR hers). You need to separate the two, because only then can you work on either one.

Others can advise you on how to recover deleted texts, but frankly I think it's a waste of time. Your wife's ACTIONS are what counts. Not her words. Words mean nothing whatsoever if they aren't followed up with meaningful actions.
 

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All I can say is that both of you made bad decisions as far as getting married. If your wife is chewing on you, it's just one more thing to get shoveled under the rug. Gotta be getting crowded under there by now, though...

C
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
After re-reading, i realized that most of my post was historical and wasnt about how things are right now.

By way of looking at the glass half full side, one of our closer friends and i had long talk right before the wedding about her dramatic improvement. He thinks that plagued with low self esteem and harboring a couple of serious broken hearts in the past, she felt worthless and harbored a deep seated fear of REAL commitment that was paralyzing her. The infidelity bit acted as an unfortunate wake up call which forced her to face the fact that she really could lose me.

Since we set a date for the wedding (over a year now), its not just her body that has seemed to awaken, but her heart has thawed also. We stay up late talking about things, stare into each other's eyes, and its like every other relationship from my past. It FEELS like she is falling in love with me for the first time. She is an active participant and not just voting "present" in the relationship. Its almost like when she realized that i wasn't going anywhere and that i was going to commit to her for life that she started coming out of her shell. I also realize that the glass half empty side is just as likely as what i am talking about in this post. Its hard because i am truly happy right now. Im just concerned about the future because of the past, and what may be harmless girl pal-ing or could be something more serious.
 

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You're a nice guy. Go read No More Mr Nice Guy.

You have a white knight thing going on. Getting involved with a woman most people would "next" by the 2nd date. Nice guys are attracted to broken women, and man is she broke.

She's having an emotional affair. As another poster said, watch her actions not her words. She has all the classic signs.

Pm weightlifter for all the 007 stuff.

Most of all, fix yourself. Get right with your purpose. Stop putting her on a pedestal and you may realize, you don't need her.
 

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Bathroom floor? The whole place to yourself and you choose the bathroom floor? Gross.


Zippity doo dah, Zippity ayy. My oh my what a wonderful day.
 

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I really doubt your relationship was "fixed" by you cheating on her. Call my cynical, but I'll stick with my answer. Who knows... Maybe she figures she can do whatever she likes now because she's got a "get out of jail free" card to throw in your face if she gets caught.

C
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She ended by saying that she needs to make new friends, and that I have nothing to worry about.
In my experience this is code for: “I have no plans to leave you.”

About a year ago, out of the blue my wife started getting very sexually responsive to me, emotionally present, and exactly what I had been missing. She had a voracious sexual appetite and started responding to me the way every girl I have ever been intimate with had my whole life. I could feel the love radiating back from her that I had been sending out for so long.
The other woman “J” seems to have gotten your wife’s juices flowing. It could be innocent. 1. “J” has a good relationship with her husband and “J” made your wife realizes how she’s shortchanging you. 2. The sexy stories “J” tells got your wife‘s motor going. Or not so innocent in that she’s having an affair with “J” and maybe even “J” husband.

Does anyone have any advice on good programs to intercept text messages? Or any suggestions for a hidden camera to see what is going at my house while I am at work every day? I am about to go out of town for business for a week and she seems very interested in the particulars of time frame.
Search for a poster called “weightlifter,” he’s somewhat of an expert. Be sure to set something up before you go away for the week. You could lie and say that you have to stay a few days longer and then sneak back unexpectally.
 
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