I meant to add: I have marriage books like 'His Needs, Her Needs', but my H won't read them because he says they would make him feel pressured (as would MC).
He wasn't like this when we were first dating but by the time we actually got married a few years later, it was slipping in this direction. However, at that time, it was still tolerable, we were having sex once a week (and he is great in bed, a very caring and unselfish lover), and he was still going to dinner and movies with me. I guess I didn't imagine sex slipping to once per month and him refusing to ever go on date nights with me . I had stars in my eyes because he is so good-looking, smart, wise, talented, and trustworthy, and I could tell that he would be a great father and loyal husband.Do the marriage counselling, make some friends, get some hobbies, go back to school, live your dreams. Why waste your time pining over a man who wants nothing to do with you in that way? Be supportive of the positive things in your marriage, and from the sound of it you have quite a few, but when it comes to sex, stop spending your time trying to make it work sexually and devote that time to yourself. I mean, this has been going on for how long? Over a decade?
Out of curiousity, was he like this before marriage as well? If so, why did you marry him? Did you expect him to change?
I'd bet money that is the problem right there. If I read your posts correctly, your husband used to be more into sex and it has gradually waned over time. So his libido decreased as his testosterone decreased. I don't think you need a whole lot of other books to overanalyze the problem. All you have to do is to get him to understand how important sex is to you and to get himself fixed with the low T.His testosterone is low and I'd like him to do something about that, but he doesn't seem willing to go on therapy. I think it would help our sex life if he did, but I don't think testosterone alone would make him want to go out on 'date nights' or spend quality alone time with me.
.I have to figure out what my dreams are now. My dreams in the past were to have several children and spend a lot of time with them (that might sound prosaic, but for me, being a mom was my passion). Now that my children are older, sex is my #1 favorite thing to do but I only get to do it a few minutes per week if I'm lucky. Exercise (various types of workouts and sports) might be #2 but I've been so low energy, especially after my workday, that most days I don't do it. I spend many hours per week playing a musical instrument which is also my passion, but it doesn't fulfill me in the same way that a close marriage would. Most of my hobbies (like learning languages) are 'stay at home' hobbies, which doesn't work as part of a '180' plan (but I don't think a 180 would really work anyway)
I think that type of 180 can work for couples who normally pay a lot of attention to each other. But it is everyday life (for years) for my H and me to spend almost all of our time in separate rooms doing our separate hobbies or chores.A 180 plan doesn't have to involve leaving the house. I enacted a sort of 180 plan in the marriage, and I did it while sitting right beside her basically. [...]
All done while sitting in the living room on the computer, three feet away from where my ex-wife sat watching her bazillion TV shows a week.
I will read the Gottman books.I think Gottman's approach might help. Look up his books on bidding for connections.
Your story reminds me of the "hope springs" movie.
I know, that is my goal and I'm actually pinning my hopes on getting him to try it and that it will work. I might just be setting myself for a big disappointment though.I'd bet money that is the problem right there. If I read your posts correctly, your husband used to be more into sex and it has gradually waned over time. So his libido decreased as his testosterone decreased. I don't think you need a whole lot of other books to overanalyze the problem. All you have to do is to get him to understand how important sex is to you and to get himself fixed with the low T.
I guess I should mention that for my 180, I didn't really care if my ex-wife noticed or not. If you read what you wrote above, you say that you want to do a 180 where he will notice it (implying that y are doing it just as much to get his attention as you are doing it for yourself) while in the last paragraph to me, you say I shouldn't change for anyone.I think that type of 180 can work for couples who normally pay a lot of attention to each other. But it is everyday life (for years) for my H and me to spend almost all of our time in separate rooms doing our separate hobbies or chores.
So for my particular case, I'd have to go out of the house, preferably with friends, to make him take notice.
It's ironic that when we were dating, I reserved Friday nights to go out with my own group of friends and he hated that. He complained so much, saying he had nothing to do and it was his weekend too, that finally I gave it up. But it wasn't too long after that (and from then on), that I was ignored on Friday nights, just reading or watching TV alone or doing my own hobbies.
I need to build up a new group of Friday night friends, just girlfriends of course.
Kingsfan, I'm glad you and your fiance (or wife now?) are doing better. I'm a little worried that you say you need to work on yourself. I hope your partner doesn't want you to change too much. If you are working on something like losing weight, building muscle, quitting smoking/drinking, acting more manly and decisive (more alpha), or keeping your temper in check, then yes, it absolutely is good to keep working on it. But if your partner doesn't seem to like several aspects of your personality, your career, hobbies, or goals/values, that would be a problem. You didn't mention, is she willing to make your sex life a priority?
I have to start all over making 'hanging out' friends because we moved to a new city. Yes, I do need to do it for myself and I shouldn't do it for him. It's just that he takes me so much for granted, saying he 'never' wants to go out me unless it were a sporting event or show that he was absolutely dying to see. (By the way, he's not trying to hurt me or being mean, he just always tells people exactly how he feels. In the 20 years I've known him he's never lied, not even a white lie to protect someone's feelings. )I guess I should mention that for my 180, I didn't really care if my ex-wife noticed or not. If you read what you wrote above, you say that you want to do a 180 where he will notice it (implying that y are doing it just as much to get his attention as you are doing it for yourself) while in the last paragraph to me, you say I shouldn't change for anyone.
This is true, you shouldn't change for anyone, and neither should you for your husband. Why does he have to notice? You are changing you, for you. If he notices, great and that's a wonderful bonus, but don't do it with him in mind. Do it for you. If you want him to enjoy a certain type of you, then don't change because clearly he has the type of you right now that works perfect for him.
I encourage you to reconnect with your friends. I let a lot of my freinds go for my ex-wife too, under the same circumstances. I regret that now and it has been very hard for me to make friends these days as well. I get along great with most people, just never build up enough of a connection to have 'hang out' friends.
I'm working on a sort of alpha male personality I guess. Essentially, I'd like to get over my bad habits of being indecisive and timid, which I can be at times, and more 'take action.' Hard to explain, but that's it in a nutshell I guess. That and I'd like to get myself moving forward more quickly financially. I'm basically just treading water right now and likely will be for the next few years unless I can change something.
Exactly true. I just wish there were a 'match.com' site or a local "speed friending" group to find some more female friends that can go out in the evenings. I don't think I would want to go out with a bunch of married couples and be the odd one out. I need to start making myself go out to movies or other types of shows by myself at least.You're husband sounds like he is just comfortable where he is at. For you, that's unfortunate, but for him, it likely works. The only way he will change is if it doesn't work anymore. So maybe by you doing your own changes, it will cause a change in him. Just don't do it for him though, or for him to change. Do your changes for you, and if he comes along, great. If not, well you still at least have a more positive way to spend your time rather than acting as a stand in for the furniture.
I'll try Facebook. I do have a Facebook account but don't really use it. I tried Meetup.com but all the meetups I found of interest were at least a 30 minutes drive from me, and that just feels like too much driving to go to an event that might be a dud.Have you tried Facebook? Most communities now have Facebook pages for various organizations and groups in the community. It might not be set up by the community itself but by the individual organizations, so there may be several pages, not just one. Try searching for your community on Facebook and see what comes up.
You're right that he is perfectly happy with the way things are. Or the way they have been, until I recently started asking him for more, he sure doesn't like that change one bit. He feels it is unfair for me to want to change things when I've been (seemingly) fine with him ignoring me for years. But it wasn't that way before marriage, I was like a frog being boiled slowly, the sex, affection, and going out as a couple all dwindled over time. I never signed up to be ignored, and I had rationalized the drop off was due to being busy raising our kids and being too lazy to get a babysitter.It is difficult to convince someone that there is a problem when they really don't feel like there is a problem. He seems to be having no problems at all with where his life is at. As you indicated earlier HNHN and MC would make him feel like he's under pressure. And why should he read or go as he's perfectly happy with the situation. You want more, he doesn't. I suggest to you that he'll like you going out to clubs and other activities as he would feel even less pressure as you'd be out of the house for awhile.