[Azure]

Okay to begin with, my H was a virgin when I married him. I've only had one partner before, so not like I've been around the block, but I have quite an imagination and I'm HD so sex is always on my mind

When we were engaged, he always joked about sex, would have phone sex with me, and would sext me all the time. It just seems there is a disconnect between how he talks about sex and how he actually behaves during sex (a lot of what I suggest makes me feel like a sl*t, like asking him to talk dirty to me, which he refuses to do)

1. I used to give him BJs, but then stopped when he never returned the favor. Is lacking experience an excuse for this? He finally did after 14 months of being married, when I explicitly told him why I stopped. (Also, I generally clean up before sex so I know odor isn't a problem)

2. I really enjoy french kissing, whether its part of sex or not. He doesn't, and when we do kiss, it's not that great. Sometimes I really miss how my exbf and I would just spend like 5 minutes kissing in the car before we went out. It didn't have to lead to sex, it was more of a de-stressor for the both of us. Do other people french kiss for the sake of kissing? Are there people out there who don't like french kissing?

3. Even in the begging of the relationship, when we were both super horny, he'd look at me funny when I wanted to go for round 2. It just never happens.


So the question is for those of you who married virgins, what's your experience been? Is my H just repressed?

 

[CanadianGuy]

I did not marry a virgin but I was one once. I can say from my experience that before I had sex I wanted to find out all I could about it. I read books like "The Joy of Sex" ( I'm sure that dates me lol ) and others. I can not say wether or not he is repressed that would depend on factors I am not qualified to diagnos.

I am suggesting that he is a Low Desire or Low Drive ( LD ) person and that sex may not be that important to him. Unfortunately it is important to you and it seems that you are not getting your needs met.

Some people on here might suggest that he pulled what is commonly referred to as a bait and switch. That is he behaved one way before marriage ( interested in sex eg: sexting, phone sex etc ) but after you were married changed his tune. That is unfair as you believed he was much more interested in sex than he actually is.

I'm sorry that you feel like the things you ask for make you feel like a sl#t. With your husband being only your second partner I can assure you that you are not. I think maybe his rejection has made you feel this way and that is perfectly normal as you may feel that because they are beyond what he would consider normal you may question your own behavior. Talking dirty is quite popular among married couples and is not what I would consider sl#tty behavior.

How old are you both and how long have you been married?

 

[Blanca]

My H was also a virgin when we got married. He has NO imagination in bed and won't give me oral. He thinks it's gross. I also am very clean down there. I've had oral before and didn't really care for it so luckily it's not a big issue for me.

Sex has been the big issue for my H and I. I thought guys came wired to know how to do it, but i guess not. He watched a lot of porn (and not sex porn but just looking at naked girls) and got pretty comfortable doing whatever was easiest and sex was too much work for him. It took us forever to get through it but I think we are finally resolving our sex issues.

 

[Azure]

CanadianGuy I'm 24 and he's 30. We've been married for 1.5 years.

I have to say I was quite surprised by his attitude towards sex. I started to feel really insecure, asking myself questions like "what if he's not attracted to me?" etc, it really took a toll on my self esteem. Aside from the frequency, which declined dramatically (and I blamed it on his depression/being unemployed) this post I guess is more about quality.

We are getting separated, but I'm trying to learn from this experience, whether we decide later on to R or I decide on a D. I just have so many questions running through my head, like is the sexual incompatibility because he has no prior experience? or is it a matter of HD vs LD? Would I rather have a "trial run" in the future with a guy I intend to marry to know what its like to sleep with that person? I know some people here are pretty religious and believe in saving sex for marriage. We both come from religious families. I didn't wait for marriage, but with him, we did wait to have sex after marriage.

 

[Azure]

Blanca, I too thought men were hard wired to know what to do.

For some time, he even stopped fondling me/touching my breasts or my private, which led to me getting really pissed off during sex, and then not even getting wet because he just wasn't that into it. He denies that this was the reason we would fight during sex when I bring it up now. But I sure did feel unloved.

How did you work on you sex issues? How did you talk about it without hurting his ego?

 

[Thor]

Sounds like he may have a bad case of sexual toxic shame. Is he a Nice Guy, as in too easy going and agreeable? If so he could probably benefit from the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. And the website nomoremrniceguy.com/forums for support.

I was a virgin when I met my now wife in college. She had several bf before me she was sexually active with (that she told me about, more that I have recently learned about). It definitely caused me anxiety. How did I measure up to the other guys? Was I as good in bed as them?

Anxieties could be a part of it for him. As could a sense of sexual inferiority. It is a bit of a circular problem too, where he needs you to push him to get over this, but he feels inferior and anxious when you show your sexuality to him.

 

[ankh]

My H was also a virgin when we got married. He has NO imagination in bed and won't give me oral. He thinks it's gross. I also am very clean down there. I've had oral before and didn't really care for it so luckily it's not a big issue for me.

Sex has been the big issue for my H and I. I thought guys came wired to know how to do it, but i guess not. He watched a lot of porn (and not sex porn but just looking at naked girls) and got pretty comfortable doing whatever was easiest and sex was too much work for him. It took us forever to get through it but I think we are finally resolving our sex issues.

What sort of resolution are you reaching, Blanca? I would hope it is more sex appreciation on his part and not so much you putting up with a toned down experience.

He is missing out on the best pleasure in life, if he doesn't like to get to your center and taste and devour your lower smile. Take him to the doctor and make sure he has a pulse.

 

[Azure]

Thor, yes he is a "Nice Guy" and the really easy going type, which I appreciated at first, but absolutely hate now because he is just so passive about everything. He's like a child stuck in a grown man's body. If I do get him the book, wont he get offended?

 

[wiigirl]

Sounds like he may have a bad case of sexual toxic shame. Is he a Nice Guy, as in too easy going and agreeable? If so he could probably benefit from the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. And the website nomoremrniceguy.com/forums for support.

I was a virgin when I met my now wife in college. She had several bf before me she was sexually active with (that she told me about, more that I have recently learned about). It definitely caused me anxiety. How did I measure up to the other guys? Was I as good in bed as them?

Anxieties could be a part of it for him. As could a sense of sexual inferiority. It is a bit of a circular problem too, where he needs you to push him to get over this, but he feels inferior and anxious when you show your sexuality to him.

:iagree:

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[Charmed37]

If I were you and knew what I know now, I would run as fast and far as I could from this man. Been there, done that! Still living in it 20 years later. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel loved. Don't let his problem become your problem any longer than you must. From my experience, things will not change and can possibly get even worse. My husband was also a virgin when we statred dating (since we were 17). Things were great for the first 6 months after we married and we have only had 3 1/2 good "sexual" years out of 20. He has refused to seek help. It just not important enough to him, which also means I am not important to him. I am now finally working on my way out. I feel for you!

 

[The Cro-Magnon]

OP, I wish my wife were you
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[CanadianGuy]

CanadianGuy I'm 24 and he's 30. We've been married for 1.5 years.

I have to say I was quite surprised by his attitude towards sex. I started to feel really insecure, asking myself questions like "what if he's not attracted to me?" etc, it really took a toll on my self esteem. Aside from the frequency, which declined dramatically (and I blamed it on his depression/being unemployed) this post I guess is more about quality.

We are getting separated, but I'm trying to learn from this experience, whether we decide later on to R or I decide on a D. I just have so many questions running through my head, like is the sexual incompatibility because he has no prior experience? or is it a matter of HD vs LD? Would I rather have a "trial run" in the future with a guy I intend to marry to know what its like to sleep with that person? I know some people here are pretty religious and believe in saving sex for marriage. We both come from religious families. I didn't wait for marriage, but with him, we did wait to have sex after marriage.

Azure at this point I really wonder if you, you attractiveness, or your behavior really have anything to do with how he feels about sex. I would consider myself very HD. I have a great deal of interest in sex and sexual topics etc. If I was LD I am almost certain I would care less about any of those things. Based on the information you have provided I would submit that he will behave the same way with another partner, I would only hope that he doesn't lead the next one on. As you are an HD person perhaps more than a trial run would be necessary as sex seems quite important to you. After all you are looking for a man to go a few rounds.

 

[Thor]

Thor, yes he is a "Nice Guy" and the really easy going type, which I appreciated at first, but absolutely hate now because he is just so passive about everything. He's like a child stuck in a grown man's body. If I do get him the book, wont he get offended?

He may be offended, but if it is what helps him it would be worth it.

My high school girlfriend broke up with me in her driveway, pleading with me to "just get mad about something once in your life!". That was my clue that I did not see for another 25 years. Had the book been around then and had she given it to me, dunno but maybe it might have helped me out.

Have you interviewed him about his attitudes, thoughts, and feelings about sex? What I mean is ask him a bunch of questions and just listen to the answers. Don't try to correct him or show any value judgment, simply listen to what he says.

 

[GoldMines]

Well my wife was a virgin when we met and to my knowledge I am the only person she has been with. We have been married for 11 years and our sex life has been nothing less than a roller coaster ride.
I was the complete opposite of a virgin when we met so things slowed way down for me at that time. Its been hard for me to not get it when I want and being rejected thousands upon thousands of times takes its toll. My wife had so many preconceived notions about how nasty everything about sex was and till this day she still holds on to some of them. I can't touch the vagina with my hand nude or against the clothes. Oral sex is disgusting. I've heard every excuse possible. She has never initiated any sexual act and I seems like she gives in strictly out of obligation not desire. Most of the times I feel like I'm in junior high trying to get some before my parents get home!
With all that said, I can honestly say that when I put the extra romance effort on and create anticipation for sex we have had some memorable sex where everything was permissible. With work, kids, and everything else, when I want some everyone's tired so its a quick hit with no romance involved. So Azure, you may have to be the one to make it happen. Put on the romance and he will come around. Trust me, men love that kind of attention.

 

[I Notice The Details]

I know that when I got married, I had to "teach" my wife how to touch my body....I had to communicate what I like and what I didn't like. If I didn't tell her...it was never going to happen. She can't read my mind. It took guts and lots of communication.

The same is true for her body...and my wife was very shy in the bedroom. She didn't feel comfortable asking for what she wanted. She assumed that I (her husband) should automatically "just know" what she liked. Many new wives think this way.

When I would ask her what she likes...she would reply..."I don't know...just everything that you are doing". It took me years to get her to open up and be comfortable asking for what she really wants and needs. As she got into her 40's, she did become more confident and lost many of her old religious inhibitions. Our sex life continued to get even better.

Luckily, I had dated several women before I got married so I had gained some understanding for what women like in and out of the bedroom. I will encourage my son to date women so he can gain an understanding of how to treat women before he finds "the one" to marry.

To the poster: I think both of you have to find fun ways to ask each other for what you want. I know it is harder said than done...but in the long run, having a healthy sex life makes your marriage even stronger!!

 

[WorkingOnMe]

He saved his virginity until his late 20's? Ya I'm thinking he just not that into sex. Or he's hot that into women. Either way this was a huge red flag.

 

[farside]

I was a virgin when I married my wife in my late 20s and I don't think that that is any type of excuse. I try to be as open with my wife as possible and we have used things like books and "sex aids". Being inexperienced is not an excuse for having a closed mind.

 

[needyForHelp]

1. I used to give him BJs, but then stopped when he never returned the favor. Is lacking experience an excuse for this? He finally did after 14 months of being married, when I explicitly told him why I stopped. (Also, I generally clean up before sex so I know odor isn't a problem)

Well it happened with me with my ex I always gave her oral and she loved it, but even if I asked to return the favor she would not do it. She always gave and excuse saying "It feels dirty" So I stopped giving her oral, and after a couple of weeks she her self started giving me BJ although with a flavored condom in the beginning, but later on we had a lot of fun doing 69.

2. I really enjoy french kissing, whether its part of sex or not. He doesn't, and when we do kiss, it's not that great. Sometimes I really miss how my exbf and I would just spend like 5 minutes kissing in the car before we went out. It didn't have to lead to sex, it was more of a de-stressor for the both of us. Do other people french kiss for the sake of kissing? Are there people out there who don't like french kissing?

Yes, I personally Love french kissing, and the best one I used to have were with one of my ex-GF and it used to be mostly before going out, sitting in the car, obviously not leading to sex. But I believe a good french kiss is a very nice way to express how you love the other person and one of the best ways to connect and feel each other.

But my wife hates it. She would ALLOW only the kisses which are purely dry and CLOSED LIPS.
AND IT IS KILLING ME INSIDE and I miss my ex-gfs.

3. Even in the begging of the relationship, when we were both super horny, he'd look at me funny when I wanted to go for round 2. It just never happens.

Same here with my wife, the rule in her mind is: If I have gotten the ejaculation (no matter how) this is over until next time which should not be before a week at least. And if I ask for second time in the same day she says, "We have done it for today, why do it two times in one day".

So the question is for those of you who married virgins, what's your experience been? Is my H just repressed?

I am married to a virgin and have come to a point, one should never marry a virgin, because sex always reduces after getting married. So if someone looses the virginity after marriage then I don't think you can expect much from him/her in marriage. (Personal point of view, which can be totally wrong).

 

[Thor]

Needyforhelp, any chance of abuse or assault in youur wife's history?
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[Azure]

Thanks all for your replies.

WorkingOnMe, I can see where you are coming from, but for me it wasn't a red flag. Where I come from, if you're religious, you're expected to save sex for marriage. And only a virgin, as far as I know lol, but who knows?!

He's definitely into women, but I have to agree I think he's LD/really shy (?) about his sexuality.