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310 Posts
My H is too kind and sometimes I feel he throws me under the bus to protect other people's feelings. I have posted a few times here how he protects his exGF's; we've mostly worked that out in accordance with standard advice here--no more exes are invited into our marriage. For which, thank you all.
But now something else has come up.
A few months ago, I had a falling out with a volunteer medical organization we both work for. In fact we are among the original founders. Due to personality differences, two others in the group basically decided to get rid of me. Power stuff, whatever. They held a secret meeting in which they made things up and trashed me. They invited everyone but me and my H. Later, the others who were roped into this unfortunate gathering called me privately to apologize. But the damage had been done. I was devastated by the injustice and the need for inventing supposed "bad things" I had done which, if you knew me, you would know right away those things were totally out of character. Hence the apologies from others who know me well.
When I found out who the gangleaders were I called them personally to work things out. Yeah, right. One of them (a man) said quite nastily that "the group" had "decided" I was planning to steal all the medical supplies. In reality, my H & I store the supplies. When other volunteers don't show up, we always do, 100% of the time, so of course we had the supplies. To be accused of stealing the supplies is laughable. Sadly, my own H was implicated in this as well, which really burned me up.
When I told H that this had happened his attitude was "they're dysfunctional, don't let it get to you" and that he would continue to work with the group although if I was uncomfortable, I should leave.
I said, "Do you realize what they said about me? the lies they made up?" I went into a terrible depression and spent a month unable to eat, and lost weight, and when I tried to eat I would get sick. That's how hurt I was. (The pain was so bad I considered checking into a hospital.)
And H would go off to the meetings and functions anyway.
I would say, "How can you be around people who have deliberately trashed me?" He said, "It was about you, not me."
Finally, after a month of that, I convinced him that being accused of stealing the supplies implicated him. Somehow I got my point across and he confronted the man who had said that to me, and that man then apologized to me personally, saying he knew it wasn't true, blaming his past drug use for making him impulsive and lowering his self-control. He also apologized to H.
I was intensely grateful to H for forcing that apology. It was very healing. I liked knowing that H had had a man-to-man talk with that jerk who had then been forced to recant his nonsense. I felt protected at last, at least on that count.
Meanwhile, however, the other damage continued. I was ostracized because other volunteers were so intimidated by the gangleaders who ousted me. In private, I continued to receive apologies and several volunteers left the group in disgust, but NO ONE would stand up to those two "gangleaders." The group became very small and those two got more and more power. I remained sick to my stomach at this development.
And H did nothing. He acted as if it was perfectly okay for our fledgling organization to have been intimidated by two people into spreading lies about me and shutting me out of a group that H and I were instrumental in founding. We have put a lot of money and hard work in the group too.
H goes to the meetings and to our events as if everything is hunky-dory. I feel unprotected by him. He hangs out with those people as if it's perfectly okay for them to have done such damage. Neither of the gangleaders has apologized to me (beyond that specific item) although every other person at that original meeting has done so and/or left the group as a reaction.
It seems that my H is okay with me simply giving up and leaving a group I helped start "if I can't stand the stress," while he continues to hang out with people who have been intentionally cruel to me.
What do I want him to do? I am bewildered that he did not confront those people immediately: "You said WHAT about my wife???" He actually has a lot of pull in the group, he just can't always make it to meetings and mostly just does a lot of the "real work." So he thinks he's somehow separate from the petty relations within the group. How can he continue to work side by side with people who were "drinking and laughing while they joked about" getting rid of me with lies, which is what one witness told me?
I have spent the past five months getting counseling for this and although I feel much clearer and stronger about why these people did what they did, the part I can't get over is how H did not come to my defense. He was willing to let me twist in the wind and pretend nothing had happened. I had to deal with a lot of fear as a result of having gone to him and gotten no response, no defense, no protection. I felt abandoned by him. I felt he was a wimp. It looked to me as if he had silently given the group permission to spread lies about me and who I am.
FYI, I am more or less back working with the group but now I see them for what they are (counseling has been very helpful). My H, besides exacting that one specific apology, did nothing to help me through this most painful episode in my life. It has affected my interest in him sexually. I no longer feel safe with him the way I did before. I feel betrayed. Does that make sense?
But now something else has come up.
A few months ago, I had a falling out with a volunteer medical organization we both work for. In fact we are among the original founders. Due to personality differences, two others in the group basically decided to get rid of me. Power stuff, whatever. They held a secret meeting in which they made things up and trashed me. They invited everyone but me and my H. Later, the others who were roped into this unfortunate gathering called me privately to apologize. But the damage had been done. I was devastated by the injustice and the need for inventing supposed "bad things" I had done which, if you knew me, you would know right away those things were totally out of character. Hence the apologies from others who know me well.
When I found out who the gangleaders were I called them personally to work things out. Yeah, right. One of them (a man) said quite nastily that "the group" had "decided" I was planning to steal all the medical supplies. In reality, my H & I store the supplies. When other volunteers don't show up, we always do, 100% of the time, so of course we had the supplies. To be accused of stealing the supplies is laughable. Sadly, my own H was implicated in this as well, which really burned me up.
When I told H that this had happened his attitude was "they're dysfunctional, don't let it get to you" and that he would continue to work with the group although if I was uncomfortable, I should leave.
I said, "Do you realize what they said about me? the lies they made up?" I went into a terrible depression and spent a month unable to eat, and lost weight, and when I tried to eat I would get sick. That's how hurt I was. (The pain was so bad I considered checking into a hospital.)
And H would go off to the meetings and functions anyway.
I would say, "How can you be around people who have deliberately trashed me?" He said, "It was about you, not me."
Finally, after a month of that, I convinced him that being accused of stealing the supplies implicated him. Somehow I got my point across and he confronted the man who had said that to me, and that man then apologized to me personally, saying he knew it wasn't true, blaming his past drug use for making him impulsive and lowering his self-control. He also apologized to H.
I was intensely grateful to H for forcing that apology. It was very healing. I liked knowing that H had had a man-to-man talk with that jerk who had then been forced to recant his nonsense. I felt protected at last, at least on that count.
Meanwhile, however, the other damage continued. I was ostracized because other volunteers were so intimidated by the gangleaders who ousted me. In private, I continued to receive apologies and several volunteers left the group in disgust, but NO ONE would stand up to those two "gangleaders." The group became very small and those two got more and more power. I remained sick to my stomach at this development.
And H did nothing. He acted as if it was perfectly okay for our fledgling organization to have been intimidated by two people into spreading lies about me and shutting me out of a group that H and I were instrumental in founding. We have put a lot of money and hard work in the group too.
H goes to the meetings and to our events as if everything is hunky-dory. I feel unprotected by him. He hangs out with those people as if it's perfectly okay for them to have done such damage. Neither of the gangleaders has apologized to me (beyond that specific item) although every other person at that original meeting has done so and/or left the group as a reaction.
It seems that my H is okay with me simply giving up and leaving a group I helped start "if I can't stand the stress," while he continues to hang out with people who have been intentionally cruel to me.
What do I want him to do? I am bewildered that he did not confront those people immediately: "You said WHAT about my wife???" He actually has a lot of pull in the group, he just can't always make it to meetings and mostly just does a lot of the "real work." So he thinks he's somehow separate from the petty relations within the group. How can he continue to work side by side with people who were "drinking and laughing while they joked about" getting rid of me with lies, which is what one witness told me?
I have spent the past five months getting counseling for this and although I feel much clearer and stronger about why these people did what they did, the part I can't get over is how H did not come to my defense. He was willing to let me twist in the wind and pretend nothing had happened. I had to deal with a lot of fear as a result of having gone to him and gotten no response, no defense, no protection. I felt abandoned by him. I felt he was a wimp. It looked to me as if he had silently given the group permission to spread lies about me and who I am.
FYI, I am more or less back working with the group but now I see them for what they are (counseling has been very helpful). My H, besides exacting that one specific apology, did nothing to help me through this most painful episode in my life. It has affected my interest in him sexually. I no longer feel safe with him the way I did before. I feel betrayed. Does that make sense?
