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I start thinking I'm just imagining things, and I have to remind myself about what I've noticed.
Is this a normal reaction?
Nothing here is "normal," but your reaction is common. It is because over the years you developed a HUGE TRUST PROBLEM. You trust her, so even when you actually see her doing stuff, you don't quite believe it. People who are cheated on almost always say, "Looking back I could see all the signs, but I just didn't think my spouse would cheat." Eventually, you just can't overlook it. But even then, you are grasping for straws for some other reason, anything, to give a possibility she isn't cheating. "Maybe she's talking to her best friend whose mom just died." NO, she wouldn't be hiding and guarding the phone, and all the rest, if that were the case. She wouldn't be checking her phone every 10 minutes if that were the case. She is cheating.

she seemed to purposefully do or say things to make me mad, which gave her a reason to be mad at me(it seemed like)

she started avoiding sex
, saying she was tired etc. Sex has been an ongoing issue through out our marriage.somtimes her, sometime me, I'm definately no angel.
Three things, all common cheating behaviors, one or two or all three could be in play: (1) She has become very attracted to the other guy, and as her attraction for her other man increased, her attraction for you decreased. In essence she is a one-man woman, it's just that you are no longer the one man, the other man is. (2) Causing a fight gets her to give a reason not to have sex with you; also gives her a reason to disengage and get some space and time away from you (even in another room or across the room from you) where she can message with her lover. (3) By causing fights, she is able to justify her resentment towards you. Very typically cheaters rationalize it through resenment. "My husband knows he can help me out by doing this, or by refrain from doing that, and he does it anyway. He doesn't care about me." Or "I dropped hints, told him 'I'm tired,' and he still didn't get the hint that he should do the laundry because I'm tired at night." You get the idea.

Her idea that you don't love her anymore is part of her excuse for cheating. Resentment is usually a part of it, too. Really, many times the cheater is happy enough, until someone else comes within the orbit who blows smoke up the cheater's ass, then the cheater starts to realize all of a sudden how "unhappy" they are in the marriage. The new guy is giving her a lot of sexual attention, no spouse could spend that much time. About 95% of the time/effort of the new guy is focused on sex/romance, a spouse with kids in a long-term marriage probably spend no more than 10% of their time/effort on sex/romance, so a spouse really can't compete, attention-wise. Cheaters rarely seem to get this. When caught, they say "you don't give me enough attention." Rationalization: "If my spouse doesn't give me enough attention, this new lover is more than happy to." There's a thousand variations of this little game, but it really is all the same in the end. She is cheating rather than being honest.

Then I noticed she always had her phone with her and would be checking it and texting till at 10 pm,which is very unusual for her.she used to just leave it lying around.
This is the top sign of cheating. Every time I've heard about hiding and guarding the phone, it has been cheating. 100% in my experience. Add on that that she does it from morning to night, that alone is the big enchilada. Typically, cheaters will contact first thing every morning to say "Good Morning, I love you, hope you have a good day, think of me, I will be thinking of you, you are so hot, and funny, and intelligent, and cool." And every night before bed to say, "Good Night, sleep tight, I love you, I will be dreaming about you, dream about me, you are so hot and funny and intelligent, and cool, and your integrity is beyond reproach too, you are my soul mate, in another life, we would have been so happy together." I don't think that's necessarily exagerrating.

Last time I was home I noticed she wasn't wearing her wedding ring, which is really strange as I have never before seen her go out without it.
When I asked about she acted surprised and looked guilty, she said she didn't think I would notice.
This also is typical. Not all cases have all of the signs your wife has, some have other flags, some have those and then some, some have less. But they all are typical. Not wearing the wedding sign and telling you that she didn't think you'd notice is what I posted above earlier in this post. She has transferred her connection to another man, and she rationalizes it by believing you don't love her anymore. The other guy gives way more attention, willing to text all day with her, telling her how he can't live without her every 10 minutes, and you only really talk briefly in the morning about kids and then again at night about kids, very little time and effort on sex compared to her new lover, with her thinking "I remember when husband used to be all over me like that and even then he never was every 10 minutes like new guy, husband must not love me or never loved me."

Even writing this, it makes it sound like the cheater is completely naive about the nature of long-term love and marriage, especially with kids, but that's cheaters for you. Every crook has an excuse for their crime, every wrongdoer, every speeder, every cheater has an excuse.

I recently took her out and had a heart to heart with her, it seemed to help a little.
I also told her , i would not be in a sexless marriage, strangely this seemed to help the most.
I have always believed you only get married once, but this is testing my beliefs.
And yes writing this makes me realize how stupid it looks to think I'm imagining things.
We all think we won't get divorced (or cheated on). We know about half of marriages end up in divorce, but it won't be us.

You gave her attention. It will prove to be too little too late. You can't compete with the new guy on the attention scale. But she enjoys the cake, as in "have your cake and eat it too." They call it "ego kibbles" too, and who doesn't want two helpings of that. Two guys wanting her. It feels good.

I don't know your wife. Maybe she hates cheaters and is wracked with guilt. I doubt it, she sounds horrid. If you described your wife in your post, and say to any guy, "what do you think, wouldn't you want a wife like that?" any reasonable guy would say "no way, not only wouldnt I want a wife like that, I wouldn't want to be around her in any capacity." Go read about your description of her. She used to be a good person. Now she is a deceptive liar who causes fights and is on the phone all the time, secretive, starting fights, refraining from sex, removed her wedding ring, and doesn't even give you a reason. She just tells you she didn't think you'd notice. So what? Why did you take the wedding ring off? The fact that you thought I wouldn't notice still doesn't explain why you took it off to begin with. Who needs a wife like that, that headache?

Your heart to heart with her should be like a performance appraisal at work. On a 1-10 scale, cooperation=3, sex=2, honesty=1, trust=1, communication=0.
 

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Thanks for all your replies.i appreciate it.
I am definately going to figure out what is going on, for my own sanity.
I start thinking I'm just imagining things, and I have to remind myself about what I've noticed.
Is this a normal reaction?
Sorry in advance for going on and on, i just need to vent a little

Anyway , quick back story.
First, i work out of town a lot which doesn't make things easier.
Almost 2 months ago , i started noticing that she seemed to purposefully do or say things to make me mad, which gave her a reason to be mad at me(it seemed like)
Then I noticed she always had her phone with her and would be checking it and texting till at 10 pm,which is very unusual for her.she used to just leave it lying around.
she started avoiding sex, saying she was tired etc. Sex has been an ongoing issue through out our marriage.somtimes her, sometime me, I'm definately no angel.
Last time I was home I noticed she wasn't wearing her wedding ring, which is really strange as I have never before seen her go out without it.
When I asked about she acted surprised and looked guilty, she said she didn't think I would notice.

I recently took her out and had a heart to heart with her, it seemed to help a little.
I also told her , i would not be in a sexless marriage, strangely this seemed to help the most.
I have always believed you only get married once, but this is testing my beliefs.
And yes writing this makes me realize how stupid it looks to think I'm imagining things.

i have also started seriously looking for a new job close to home,
Well realizing that you are not imagining things is a great first step.

And, sorry, but she is cheating. I think you know that.
 

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Women are mentally tougher usually and can plot and plan before they make their divorce move.
I don't know if they are mentally tougher. I think the men have more fear because they will have to pay. The woman will continue to be supported by the man. The penalty of the divorce is higher for the man than for the woman.
 

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Sir, first of all wake up. Secondly, open your eyes. Thirdly, take off your blinders.
By not wearing her wedding ring she is sending you a huge signal. All of the things you post add up to the fact that There is an extremely high probability she has been cheating on you.

You need to consider going into stealth mode....eyes open.....mouth shut. Trust your gut as it is usually 100% correct. Never and I mean never confront without evidence. A VAR is a good start, a PI in your case will be money well spent.

Five years ago, I was a guy who thought my wife of 29 years would never cheat. I, like you, found my gut telling me something was not right. I went into detective mode after learning a thing or two from this site the first two days I joined.

I had my IT director search her laptop, iPhone and iPad. I searched the trunk of her car, I went through all of our closets and viola! I found a bunch of racy lingerie I had never seen her wear for me..BUSTED! My next step was to determine who it was with. I LISTENED closely to every word that came out of her mouth. I analyzed every action by her for a week.

A few days later her company had an open house which she said I (spouses)was not invited,
not logical knowing her boss who is also a friend of mine would likely desire spouses to attend. So I had a hunch it was a coworker, and when I showed up unannounced, surveyed the situation, I saw her and POSOM in the glass enclosed conference room in the center of the building chatting. I was able to read his lips...”what is he doing here?” Busted and confronted shattering her. I handed her my wine glass and told her and POSOM to have a nice evening.

i guess what I am trying to tell you is expected the unexpected. Do not blindly explain things away because you want it to be a certain way. Accept your situation and address it accordingly by taking actions these wise posters have recommended.

Good luck.
 

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I never fail in recommending a PI. They cost money because they are worth it. Had a guy that constantly hid his phone. The BW put our PI on notice that she would need him to break into a phone, then one early Sunday, she grabbed it off the nightstand while he slept. He awoke to find her and the phone gone. Had a melt down, and waited for the crapstorm. She did not bother to come back that day. She couriered his phone back.
 

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Discussion Starter #28
Well I appreciate all the responses, i will be getting the VAR's and a camera.
I got home today, and while she doing some outside work I had a look at her phone( I came home early and didn't tell her I was coming)
It doesn't look good, i found a message from someone asking why she wouldn't leave them alone.
I have the number, do you think I should contact this person?
I really want to.

I forgot to mention, my wife's father died 3 months ago, she has really been affected by this.
She definately changed after his death.
Still seems unreal to be here,
 

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What other messages did you find? How did she change after her dad died?
Try WhitePages or spokeo or even google the number, then pay the $5 to do a one time trace, just don't sign up for the full package.
 

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Well I appreciate all the responses, i will be getting the VAR's and a camera.
I got home today, and while she doing some outside work I had a look at her phone( I came home early and didn't tell her I was coming)
It doesn't look good, i found a message from someone asking why she wouldn't leave them alone.
I have the number, do you think I should contact this person?
I really want to.

I forgot to mention, my wife's father died 3 months ago, she has really been affected by this.
She definately changed after his death.
Still seems unreal to be here,
Do not confront yet. You do not have the entire package.

Gather all the intel you need to have a solid case when you bust her. Find out who the number belongs to. Get her damn phone and snoop the hell out of it.
 

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I forgot to mention, my wife's father died 3 months ago, she has really been affected by this.
She definately changed after his death.
Still seems unreal to be here,
It's happened before, death of a parent is the impetus of a mid-life crisis, you only live once syndrome. People from the past contact you to pay their respects.
 

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Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife failed big time. It's now on her to prove there is no infidelity. It's no longer appropriate for her to say: trust me .... or you're controlling or jealous.

The timing is right. If old friends contacted her regarding the death of her father, then that's likely the source of the OM.

Old friends from school (especially an X) are high risk because they trigger a feeling of being young again. It's a thrill that quickly becomes addictive and a fantasy that you (as the old boring reliable family van) just can't compete against.

Check her facebook friends. Specifically, check the detailed sub-list of people that responded to her posting about the death of her father. It's likely the OM responded to that specific post (and it's easy enough for you to identify a possible list of suspects).

"It doesn't look good, i found a message from someone asking why she wouldn't leave them alone."
It's highly probable that she met someone from her past (for example, a Facebook response to her father dying) - and it escalated.

Plus it's likely the OM is married with kids. His wife found out .... the OM chose his family and dumped your wife ....
and now your wife can't admit to herself 'who' she has become, that she was used and what a fool she's been.

If that's the case, all you need to do is contact the OM's wife and I bet you'll get all the details.
 

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Hire a P.I, give him the number and the context of the text. place the VAR in good locations. Then reverse check the phone number. After this contact the number. Where there is smoke, there is fire. I see smoke here.
Did you ask why the wedding ring was absent?
One day at a time.
Buffer
 

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Well I appreciate all the responses, i will be getting the VAR's and a camera.
I got home today, and while she doing some outside work I had a look at her phone( I came home early and didn't tell her I was coming)
It doesn't look good, i found a message from someone asking why she wouldn't leave them alone.
I have the number, do you think I should contact this person?
I really want to.

I forgot to mention, my wife's father died 3 months ago, she has really been affected by this.
She definately changed after his death.
Still seems unreal to be here,
If she is harassing someone, that's not good. Why is she harassing them? It's possible your wife might need help with mental health issues, so your monitoring of her might show if that's the case.
 

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If she uses google or chrome, you can check her google timeline. It keeps track of your location as long as your location is turned on for maps. Facebook also has a location you can check if you know her password. And if you have any smart phones that are not being used that are just laying around the house and you have wifi at your house, then go to google play and download an app called alford. It turns your old phone into a hidden video camera that you will have access to 24 - 7 and the video will be as good as what the camera on the phone is. You'll have audio and you can also record. It has motion detection as well. And it's free. You also have the app track view. This app you have to install it on her phone then you can hide it in the back ground, so it doesnt pop up.and check the box that says do not recieve notifications on her device. It has real time gps location, it does not lag like other apps. And the app actually allows you to look through her camera lens and see and hear what's going on. Check you're local laws. There is a chance she can find this app on her phone if she goes to delete apps to make space on her phone it will show up.
Just giving you some other options.
 

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I am 9 years divorced after a 30 year marriage. I never saw it coming and would not of believed it if you had told me. But my gut was telling me that something was going on, and when I confronted she moved out of my house into his. Trust your gut. The wedding ring thing? WOW.
Id hire the PI.
 

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I like Fonelab better than Dr. Fone. Check Apps like What'sApp, KIK, fb, Words with Friends, etc. We have a long version some out of date, I expect, called Weightlifter's Standard Evidence.
Faithfulman recommended this VAR a bit ago:
The best bang for your buck is the Sony ICD-PX470 - around $50 on Amazon.
Read the manual, you can suppress all beeps easily.
Also get an SD card so you have a ton of recording time: The SanDisk Ultra 32GB microSDHC UHS-I card with Adapter - 98MB/s U1 A1 - SDSQUAR-032G-GN6MA is 32GB and runs $8 on Amazon.
You can buy 100 Amazon-branded AAA batteries for less than $20. More than enough to keep you going for a long time.

. Make sure you set the recorder to record to the SD card.
@sunsetmist, I may have to update my recommendations. Dr. Fone apparently has made a comeback and I restored some data (Non-infidelity related) with it a couple of days ago that Fonelab was having trouble with.

An FYI for all: It appears that it is much more difficult to recover deleted messages from iOS 12 and later, so temper your expectations.

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@Uncertain58 - take a look at Flexispy for phone monitoring - it appears to be the most powerful phone monitoring software out there, but particularly with Android, you need to read up first so you do not mess up and tip off your wife.But you'll be able to learn a lot about what is going on.

Are you handy with technical things? PM me if you need some direction.

Also, recorders that look like pens are pretty cheap on Amazon right now, I have seen them in the $30 - $40 range, also recorders that look like USB thumb drives etc.in that range as well.

Good luck and let me know if you need any help.
 

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Discussion Starter #38
What other messages did you find? How did she change after her dad died?
Try WhitePages or spokeo or even google the number, then pay the $5 to do a one time trace, just don't sign up for the full package.
Just 2 messages , one was stop bothering me and one was stop talking to a "Nicole " about me. She has also been searching the number I found on her phone. Not sure what that means.
I am assuming she deleted other messages.
The changes were as follows.
  • she seems to be leaning towards , why bother trying to live right when you suffer and die anyway.(her dad was a good man , he suffered greatly from cancer and died)
  • this seems to have created a lot of anger
  • I think she questioning a lot of her beliefs.
 

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Discussion Starter #39
@sunsetmist, I may have to update my recommendations. Dr. Fone apparently has made a comeback and I restored some data (Non-infidelity related) with it a couple of days ago that Fonelab was having trouble with.

An FYI for all: It appears that it is much more difficult to recover deleted messages from iOS 12 and later, so temper your expectations.

***

@Uncertain58 - take a look at Flexispy for phone monitoring - it appears to be the most powerful phone monitoring software out there, but particularly with Android, you need to read up first so you do not mess up and tip off your wife.But you'll be able to learn a lot about what is going on.

Are you handy with technical things? PM me if you need some direction.

Also, recorders that look like pens are pretty cheap on Amazon right now, I have seen them in the $30 - $40 range, also recorders that look like USB thumb drives etc.in that range as well.

Good luck and let me know if you need any help.
Thank you , i may have some questions later on
 

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Discussion Starter #40
So, some changes.
I haven't found anything strange on her credit card
  • working on getting cell phone records, we have separate carriers
  • I told her she was being ignorant and angry towards me(exact wording)and asked how she would feel if I treated her like that.
She did a complete turn around(we will see how it lasts)
-she is wearing her wedding ring now
-she is not on her phone all the time, and not keeping it with her all the time.
- it's very strange, it's almost like she knows that I'm checking up on her and she just stopped everything. Not sure what think, but I'm going to keep digging .

- I appreciate all the advice and support, i actually feel better being able to talk about this crap here. It is helping me to keep my head screwed on the right way.
 
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