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Any advice or words are greatly appreciated.
Long story short: I have been married for 14 years. Since 2007, my H has had varying emotional and physical affairs with four women that I have been able to confirm or get him to admit to. I think there may have been more but I can't confirm them.
We had multiple D-Days, promises of changed behavior, a few counseling sessions, etc. until the final D-Day in October 2010 when I found out that he was texting/IM'ing constantly with a girl he met at work. That day, he said "ILYBINILWY" and left. We cried and he waffled for a few days, but ultimately, he moved in with roommates.
The problem with our marriage was that he was no longer as attracted to me as he wanted to be, he also felt trapped and women were constantly throwing themselves at him and he didn't want to resist anymore. I'm sure we were in mutual rut back then, but our emotional relationship was and has always been good. In other words, we're great friends and get along very well. We were also financially stable.
There was the usual back and forth for several months until September 2011, where we would go a week or two with dates and sex, followed by a few weeks of ignoring me, etc. Finally, I became fed up with everything (the other women, the back and forth, etc) and I told him that I fully accepted his decision to leave, that I no longer wanted to date him or have sex with him and I filed for D. He was content to live with his roommates, go to bars, talk to me sporadically and drop by for a weekend of dates/sex, it seems.
But I filed and really began to move on. I met a man and started dating him a few months later and just started picking up the pieces.
Fast forward six months and H came to me and said all the things I had wanted him to say. That he was sorry, that he was full of regret, that it was all his decision and he had been weak, selfish, etc. He asked me to hold off on the divorce and go to counseling with him. I was very unsure but felt that I did not want to pass up the chance to remain married and salvage our relationship. I stopped seeing the man I'd been dating and we decided to try to take things slowly and salvage things.
The first six weeks were great. Lots of dates, communication and I could just see him really trying. I thought that maybe it would work.
Six months later, we've had two counseling sessions that were not very effective. While I believe counseling is great and do IC myself, I also believe you have to be active and open about changing to get results and that is just not the case with my H. I can count on my hand the number of dates we've had - all of which I have initiated. H owns his own business and works 12-hour days four days a week and 8 hours the other two days, with one day off. He also trains very hard for a personal sport he participates in. So, he always says that he is very busy.
I am lucky if he stops by 1 time a week and normally he stops by at 8 or 9 at night when the day has already passed. We watch a movie or a sporting event on TV and I cook or we order in. He hardly ever wants to go out. I end up going to bed before he's ready to go to sleep and he'll stay up on the computer while I sleep. I'm pretty sure he's looking at porn or something, but I removed all of the stealth software off of my computer after he left in 2010 and don't really want to go back to it.
If I am lucky, he'll also visit for an hour in the middle of the week and we talk and laugh and then he kisses me goodbye.
I recently found out by looking at the phone bill (we still share a family plan) that he still texts a few times a week with the last OW. And after he left, he no longer shared any kind of FB, email, etc. with me and is unwilling to do so now, does not like to even talk about it.
If I bring up transparency or my feelings about his affairs, he feels like he's been absolved of all of that and that we're in a new relationship because I dated another man.
And, most troubling, our sex life is nil. In six months we've had perhaps five instances of sexual intercourse and only 2-3 of those were successful.
From month to month, his affection fluctuates from sending me texts that say "luv you", etc. to nothing at all. Right now, he seems engaged but I'm pretty sure that next month the script will flip.
I know that I could demand some things and express all of this to him, but I don't want to. I did all of that before and what did it get me? I'm in my early 30's, financially stable, have no children and really love and value myself. I just feel like I need to finally, truly let him go and move on.
What's the verdict?
Long story short: I have been married for 14 years. Since 2007, my H has had varying emotional and physical affairs with four women that I have been able to confirm or get him to admit to. I think there may have been more but I can't confirm them.
We had multiple D-Days, promises of changed behavior, a few counseling sessions, etc. until the final D-Day in October 2010 when I found out that he was texting/IM'ing constantly with a girl he met at work. That day, he said "ILYBINILWY" and left. We cried and he waffled for a few days, but ultimately, he moved in with roommates.
The problem with our marriage was that he was no longer as attracted to me as he wanted to be, he also felt trapped and women were constantly throwing themselves at him and he didn't want to resist anymore. I'm sure we were in mutual rut back then, but our emotional relationship was and has always been good. In other words, we're great friends and get along very well. We were also financially stable.
There was the usual back and forth for several months until September 2011, where we would go a week or two with dates and sex, followed by a few weeks of ignoring me, etc. Finally, I became fed up with everything (the other women, the back and forth, etc) and I told him that I fully accepted his decision to leave, that I no longer wanted to date him or have sex with him and I filed for D. He was content to live with his roommates, go to bars, talk to me sporadically and drop by for a weekend of dates/sex, it seems.
But I filed and really began to move on. I met a man and started dating him a few months later and just started picking up the pieces.
Fast forward six months and H came to me and said all the things I had wanted him to say. That he was sorry, that he was full of regret, that it was all his decision and he had been weak, selfish, etc. He asked me to hold off on the divorce and go to counseling with him. I was very unsure but felt that I did not want to pass up the chance to remain married and salvage our relationship. I stopped seeing the man I'd been dating and we decided to try to take things slowly and salvage things.
The first six weeks were great. Lots of dates, communication and I could just see him really trying. I thought that maybe it would work.
Six months later, we've had two counseling sessions that were not very effective. While I believe counseling is great and do IC myself, I also believe you have to be active and open about changing to get results and that is just not the case with my H. I can count on my hand the number of dates we've had - all of which I have initiated. H owns his own business and works 12-hour days four days a week and 8 hours the other two days, with one day off. He also trains very hard for a personal sport he participates in. So, he always says that he is very busy.
I am lucky if he stops by 1 time a week and normally he stops by at 8 or 9 at night when the day has already passed. We watch a movie or a sporting event on TV and I cook or we order in. He hardly ever wants to go out. I end up going to bed before he's ready to go to sleep and he'll stay up on the computer while I sleep. I'm pretty sure he's looking at porn or something, but I removed all of the stealth software off of my computer after he left in 2010 and don't really want to go back to it.
If I am lucky, he'll also visit for an hour in the middle of the week and we talk and laugh and then he kisses me goodbye.
I recently found out by looking at the phone bill (we still share a family plan) that he still texts a few times a week with the last OW. And after he left, he no longer shared any kind of FB, email, etc. with me and is unwilling to do so now, does not like to even talk about it.
If I bring up transparency or my feelings about his affairs, he feels like he's been absolved of all of that and that we're in a new relationship because I dated another man.
And, most troubling, our sex life is nil. In six months we've had perhaps five instances of sexual intercourse and only 2-3 of those were successful.
From month to month, his affection fluctuates from sending me texts that say "luv you", etc. to nothing at all. Right now, he seems engaged but I'm pretty sure that next month the script will flip.
I know that I could demand some things and express all of this to him, but I don't want to. I did all of that before and what did it get me? I'm in my early 30's, financially stable, have no children and really love and value myself. I just feel like I need to finally, truly let him go and move on.
What's the verdict?
