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Any advice or words are greatly appreciated.

Long story short: I have been married for 14 years. Since 2007, my H has had varying emotional and physical affairs with four women that I have been able to confirm or get him to admit to. I think there may have been more but I can't confirm them.

We had multiple D-Days, promises of changed behavior, a few counseling sessions, etc. until the final D-Day in October 2010 when I found out that he was texting/IM'ing constantly with a girl he met at work. That day, he said "ILYBINILWY" and left. We cried and he waffled for a few days, but ultimately, he moved in with roommates.

The problem with our marriage was that he was no longer as attracted to me as he wanted to be, he also felt trapped and women were constantly throwing themselves at him and he didn't want to resist anymore. I'm sure we were in mutual rut back then, but our emotional relationship was and has always been good. In other words, we're great friends and get along very well. We were also financially stable.

There was the usual back and forth for several months until September 2011, where we would go a week or two with dates and sex, followed by a few weeks of ignoring me, etc. Finally, I became fed up with everything (the other women, the back and forth, etc) and I told him that I fully accepted his decision to leave, that I no longer wanted to date him or have sex with him and I filed for D. He was content to live with his roommates, go to bars, talk to me sporadically and drop by for a weekend of dates/sex, it seems.

But I filed and really began to move on. I met a man and started dating him a few months later and just started picking up the pieces.

Fast forward six months and H came to me and said all the things I had wanted him to say. That he was sorry, that he was full of regret, that it was all his decision and he had been weak, selfish, etc. He asked me to hold off on the divorce and go to counseling with him. I was very unsure but felt that I did not want to pass up the chance to remain married and salvage our relationship. I stopped seeing the man I'd been dating and we decided to try to take things slowly and salvage things.

The first six weeks were great. Lots of dates, communication and I could just see him really trying. I thought that maybe it would work.

Six months later, we've had two counseling sessions that were not very effective. While I believe counseling is great and do IC myself, I also believe you have to be active and open about changing to get results and that is just not the case with my H. I can count on my hand the number of dates we've had - all of which I have initiated. H owns his own business and works 12-hour days four days a week and 8 hours the other two days, with one day off. He also trains very hard for a personal sport he participates in. So, he always says that he is very busy.

I am lucky if he stops by 1 time a week and normally he stops by at 8 or 9 at night when the day has already passed. We watch a movie or a sporting event on TV and I cook or we order in. He hardly ever wants to go out. I end up going to bed before he's ready to go to sleep and he'll stay up on the computer while I sleep. I'm pretty sure he's looking at porn or something, but I removed all of the stealth software off of my computer after he left in 2010 and don't really want to go back to it.

If I am lucky, he'll also visit for an hour in the middle of the week and we talk and laugh and then he kisses me goodbye.

I recently found out by looking at the phone bill (we still share a family plan) that he still texts a few times a week with the last OW. And after he left, he no longer shared any kind of FB, email, etc. with me and is unwilling to do so now, does not like to even talk about it.

If I bring up transparency or my feelings about his affairs, he feels like he's been absolved of all of that and that we're in a new relationship because I dated another man.

And, most troubling, our sex life is nil. In six months we've had perhaps five instances of sexual intercourse and only 2-3 of those were successful.

From month to month, his affection fluctuates from sending me texts that say "luv you", etc. to nothing at all. Right now, he seems engaged but I'm pretty sure that next month the script will flip.

I know that I could demand some things and express all of this to him, but I don't want to. I did all of that before and what did it get me? I'm in my early 30's, financially stable, have no children and really love and value myself. I just feel like I need to finally, truly let him go and move on.

What's the verdict?
 

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He still texts one of the OW!

I think you know the answer, there can never be the kind of deep trust between you that a truly happy marriage needs.

Plus the physical connection is missing. I'll bet he's the type of man who only gets aroused by 'newness' in a relationship.Yuck!

The fact that he wants you is not a good reason to stay married, he likes the financial stability so he sticks around. He likes the security of marriage, though he invests little to nothing into his marriage. He wanted you because another man wanted you. So he keeps you, but only with a bare minumum investment of his time and effort. You are worth so much more than that.

You are in 'like' not in love, don't waste any more of your youth on this. 2-3 sexual encounters in 6 months! He drops by once a week!

The verdict is split amicably.
 

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You already did the right thing and had your life on track to a much better place. Then you listened to the shake and gave him another chance. But he's still the same snake. Dump him, go ahead with the D, and see if upgrade you were seeing is free for drinks soon.
 

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He wanted you back once you were actively dating and moving on. He lost interest once you were interested and reciprocating. That speaks volumes about him and his intentions.

I'm so sorry - it's clear you're very hurt by this. I would go back to seeking your own happiness at this point.
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You already did the right thing and had your life on track to a much better place. Then you listened to the shake and gave him another chance. But he's still the same snake. Dump him, go ahead with the D, and see if upgrade you were seeing is free for drinks soon.


Have to agree with this 100%
 

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I filed and really began to move on. I met a man and started dating him a few months later and just started picking up the pieces.

This must have been very hard for your husband to take. He probably couldn't believe it. You had put up with so much infidelity and neglect from him in the past, he was sure you would never move on. He likes having the freedom to play the field knowing that good old you always will be there for him.

Fast forward six months and H came to me and said all the things I had wanted him to say. That he was sorry, that he was full of regret, that it was all his decision and he had been weak, selfish, etc. He asked me to hold off on the divorce

He couldn't believe you really were moving on. The first 3-4 months he probably didn't even notice you had another guy. Then when he saw how it was going between you and other guy, your husband knew he had to step in before he lost his backup plan.

and go to counseling with him. I was very unsure but felt that I did not want to pass up the chance to remain married and salvage our relationship. I stopped seeing the man I'd been dating and we decided to try to take things slowly and salvage things.

The first six weeks were great. Lots of dates, communication and I could just see him really trying. I thought that maybe it would work.


This was the "winning you back" phase. He had to get you back on board and make sure you dumped the other guy for good. You are his back-up plan and he counts on you to be there for any kind of support he needs whenever he needs it. After six weeks your husband declared, "mission accomplished."

Six months later, we've had two counseling sessions that were not very effective. While I believe counseling is great and do IC myself, I also believe you have to be active and open about changing to get results and that is just not the case with my H. I can count on my hand the number of dates we've had - all of which I have initiated. H owns his own business and works 12-hour days four days a week and 8 hours the other two days, with one day off. He also trains very hard for a personal sport he participates in. So, he always says that he is very busy.

Everything else is more important than you. Thank God he knows you'll always be there for him no matter how much he neglects you.

I am lucky if he stops by 1 time a week and normally he stops by at 8 or 9 at night when the day has already passed.

This is enough for him to keep an eye on you, show you he's still around, and "take your temperature," make sure you're not starting anything up with a new guy or the old guy.

We watch a movie or a sporting event on TV and I cook or we order in. He hardly ever wants to go out. I end up going to bed before he's ready to go to sleep and he'll stay up on the computer while I sleep. I'm pretty sure he's looking at porn or something, but I removed all of the stealth software off of my computer after he left in 2010 and don't really want to go back to it.

If I am lucky, he'll also visit for an hour in the middle of the week and we talk and laugh and then he kisses me goodbye.

I recently found out by looking at the phone bill (we still share a family plan) that he still texts a few times a week with the last OW. And after he left, he no longer shared any kind of FB, email, etc. with me and is unwilling to do so now, does not like to even talk about it.

If I bring up transparency or my feelings about his affairs, he feels like he's been absolved of all of that and that we're in a new relationship because I dated another man.

And, most troubling, our sex life is nil. In six months we've had perhaps five instances of sexual intercourse and only 2-3 of those were successful.

From month to month, his affection fluctuates from sending me texts that say "luv you", etc. to nothing at all. Right now, he seems engaged but I'm pretty sure that next month the script will flip.
He wants to eat cake. He doesn't want to lose you as his safe harbor, someone who always will be there for him. Yet he doesn't value you enough to make you number one.

He is trying to do just enough to keep you placated and keep from moving on.

He sounds damaged. You had feelings for him way back, but that wasn't really him, you were either wishful thinking or glossing over. People don't develop into the type your husband is over the course of a few years. He always was this way; you just either didn't see it or glossed over it and rationalized it.
 

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He sounds like he's very comfortable with you and wants you in his life for that reason only, like a mother or sister :-(.

You must have known when you posted this that people would tell you to move on for your own good. That's certainly the thing to do. You deserve a happy life & it sounds like there are nice men out there who would like to get to know you.

Too bad you broke it off with your new guy. Any chance of rekindling that?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks for the replies so far, guys. Yes, I know everything that you all have said and I've said it to myself a thousand times.

It's just that when you're in a situation, as much as you might know the truth, sometimes you don't really want to see it. It's hard to detach enough to really look at his actions and see them for what they are when there are so many emotions on both ends involved.

Honestly, I love my H, but I do not love him more than I love myself and my days of sacrificing to have him in my life are long over. I just have to man up and end things.

And, yes, I could go back to dating the man I was seeing, he's been very understanding about everything. I'm not really worried about finding someone else, I know that if I open up to it that I'll find someone.

I just needed to hear some sane words, you know?
 

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He was gone long long ago.

I dont know why you took him back after you started dating the second man.

I doubt if you still love your first man (ex H or under divorce). I doubt if your H really loves you or cares about you.

You are in early thirties, financially stable. You should have proceeded with D. IMHO.
 
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