[solongmarianne]

Here's the thing. Linda and I have been together now for 3 years. We are both postgrads and 31 years old. We live in different cities around 70 miles apart. I have an interesting low paid research post at a state university, she has a well paid but boring job at a private college. Every Friday evening I get the train to her place and return early Monday morning. Generally we get on real well and I have proposed to her a couple of times but she always says that she is committed to me but not ready to settle down just yet. We have lots of interests in common and our sex life is great.

Still she needs something to occupy her during the college vacation 2 years ago and took a painting class run by a nice old guy (the 61 year old). She got really into it and started to spend all her spare time painting and telling me what a great teacher he was.

Then last summer his wife phoned me up and said she thought my gf was following him around a bit too much and there were too many texts going back and forth and people were talking. She asked if I was comfortable with the situation. I said I was as I trusted my gf. The art teacher is not good looking, or rich or funny and physically out of shape. So although I noticed he seemed quite keen on my gf I did not pay it too much attention. I did tease her occasionally about it and she always said Eugh much too old. She even said he had asked her in September if they stood any chance of a relationship, as they had bonded a lot over the art, and that she had told him he stood no chance.

She told me his wife was giving him a hard time over their friendship and said that she thought she was a control freak and hyper critical and not very nice to him. His wife always seemed perfectly nice to me but I put that down to a personality clash. Also my gf can be a bit demanding which I put down to her being an only child who was rather indulged by her parents.

I gathered from my gf that his wife was still giving him a hard time about it last month and saying they saw too much of each other but my gf just dismissed that as an example of how his wife tried to control him.

Then last week his wife sent me a short voice recording she had obtained of the two of them, the art teacher and my gf, in his rv outside her apartment when he ran her home after an art evening class. They sound very affectionate with each other and there are long gaps and rustling on the recording and other little noises which have to be them kissing. They call each other tiger and he strokes her hair (he talks about doing so) and there are mms and giggles and just for confirmation at the end, she tells him he better wash her lip gloss off his mouth before he goes home.It lasts around ten minutes.

His wife put in a note saying she confronted him about it and he denied anything happened between thim and my gf and accused her of putting a private eye on him (actually she just left a pocket recorder in the pouch behind the front seats). My gf insists nothing happened and it is all manufactured. The wife says it is all true and she had also happened on references to kissing on a text between them few weeks ago and he insisted it was all a joke but it was clear texts had been deleted. My gf never lets me see her cell phone contents.

There was a massive fall out and his wife sent the art teacher to see my gf, to tell her to chose her or my gf. Apparently my gf told him they had done nothing wrong, (according to his wife)and that she saw no reason to change things, that she had a steady partner (me) and had no plans to run off with the art teacher. She apparently tried to say that making out is normal when two friends have had a good evening together even if they are both in relationships with other people.

The art teacher is now in the process of being thrown out by his wife, who says it is all my gfs fault. My gf is denying anything inappropriate happened . And the art teach is blaming it all on his wife and says it has all been exaggerated.

I can see how the art teacher could be having a mid life crisis. I dont get is my gf. Who is still in denial over the wholething.

But the thing I really really get dont get in all this is why make out with a 61 year old bloke which is out of shape, has no money, and not a lot of charm. (I should add that he does not assess her course work that job is done by someone else)

I feel humiliated as I am not bad looking and have been entirely loyal to her. I had no idea until last week. Can anyone shed any light on this for me?

 

[MattMatt]

Sorry you are here. I presume you are non-US? Are you Commonwealth or UK? (Blokes, you see..., but I could be wrong.)

This is not the first time he has done this. That's why his wife was suspicious of him and why she shut this down so quickly.

You need to expose him to the college authorities and/or the LEA.

Your gf is clearly not any use for a long term, faithful relationship if she believes this:-

She apparently tried to say that making out is normal when two friends have had a good evening together even if they are both in relationships with other people.

Get yourself checked out for STDs. And let her know you are doing it. The art teacher might not be the only person who has been dipping his wick with your gf and you must protect your health.

One day your ex-gf to be will realise she is no longer 15, until then she is not ready for a proper, adult relationship.

 

[Kasler]

Hes alpha, you're beta.

Alpha attracts women, beta repels for the most part, other than 'steady'(her words and shes really saying comfortable, convenient) partners who they can cheat on.

She feels its ok to kiss up on another man because she knows you're not going to do anything about it, and she was right so far.

An alpha would've already put her in her place if not having dumped her ass.

Also to get with women you don't gotta look or dress the best, you just gotta have game.

Also if she thinks theres nothing wrong with kissing other men, dump her ass as shes not relationship material.

 

[AlphaHalf]

Where you thinking about marrying this girl?She chose another man, you heard the recorder, so F#$k what lies she has to say to you. Move on and find another women. Be thankful you didn't marry this girl

 

[TBT]

She apparently tried to say that making out is normal when two friends have had a good evening together even if they are both in relationships with other people.

How do you even turn that type of thinking around? Just a GF...I'd be gone.

 

[CH]

MattMatt quoted the line for you already and you're asking how to interpret this? Sounds pretty cut and dry.

Dump her, 3 years isn't a long time buddy. Try 20 years with kids and then finding this stuff out.

If you say she's perfect for you and there's no one else like her, Imma throw an imaginary hammer at you hoping it'll wake you up.

There is always someone better no matter what anyone says. Always someone hotter and/or nicer out there. In her case, anyone else is most likely a win/win for you. Unless you're just drawn to those type of girls.

 

[walkonmars]

Be thankful she refused your marriage proposal. Very very thankful.... find someone else. (she already did)

 

[Tony55]

I feel humiliated as I am not bad looking and have been entirely loyal to her. I had no idea until last week. Can anyone shed any light on this for me?

Don't blame yourself, it really isn't about you, it's about her getting caught up in some kind of teacher-student thing.

Three things:

1. I divorced my with for 'making out" in a car with a guy.
2. I would dump a girl who turned down my marriage proposal twice.
3. "Making out is normal when two friends have had a good evening together even if they are both in relationships with other people."

She's done you a favor.

T

 

[Acabado]

You GF is walking all over you. Clearly competing with OM's BW, which of course is a controlling beatch.. cold fish, unable to understand this wonderful man... yada yada, classical signs of competitive OWs. She is a homewreker. She knows she intruded herself in that marriage.

Sorry friend, count your blessings, you caught her so early on, with no kids, finances interwined and more investiment (I'm not dismissing how much you love her). Run. Run away now. She's showing you a window to future. Moirn the loss of that ghost. Drop her like a hot potato, get your stuff while you move out and leave there adult diapers. Or better pack her stuff and unload it at love nest, along with the diapers.

Sorry man.

 

[jnj express]

The 61 yr old ain't having a midlife crises---he is trying to cheat

Your GF, is as stupid, and brazen as they come, if she thinks the recorder is not facts and truth, AND----if she thinks liplocking with another, when you are in a relationship, is no big deal, she is entitled to her privacy, as long as she ain't married, but by keeping her phone from you, you know she is hiding things

I don't know what you want to do, but if you stay---make sure you stay allies, with the lovers wife, so you will abreast of what is happening, should they try to go underground----the lover, is just as stupid as your GF, thinking he can do things, and then bully his way past his wife-----he has a rude awakening, if his wife dumps him---she is gonna take half of everything, and he is gonna work till he is 80 just to keep his head above water

As to your GF, that is up to you---but if you do stay---you better have a very large meeting of the minds as to what boundaries are in place, and what the consequences will be

 

[3putt]

Why you would even be thinking about anything other than kicking her to the curb is beyond me. No marriage, no kids....no way. If she'll do this to you now, with no real provocation, what's to make you feel comfortable that she wouldn't do it down the road when there are problems? And EVERY relationship has problems.

Uh-uh

Too many good women out there. You are way to young to be settling for someone like this. I know it hurts like hell right now, but be glad you found out now what kind of person she is rather than later.

Believe it or not, you do deserve better than this.

Run, dude, run!

Sorry for your pain. BTDT

 

[EleGirl]

Your gf found a way to deal with a long distance relationship. She has him and you half time. That means replaces one full time man.

One major problem is that she seems just fine in finding ways to excuse her behavior. If you marry her, she'll use any excuse she can think up to cheat on you.

She is not marriage material. There is no reason that you should bother to go through the pain of reconciliation when you are not married and in a long distance relationship.

Surely there are eligible women living in the town where you live now. One of them is dreaming about finding a man like you right now. Go find her.

Oh and tell the current gf that you are done with her.

 

[husbandfool]

Your GF is doing this to you now. Just wait until you've been together a bunch of years and things get more challenging!
Uhhhh .... no.

 

[alte Dame]

I don't think she's even girlfriend material, not to mention wife. And what kind of cold heart thinks it's OK to cause such trouble and heartache for an older woman in a long-term marriage? Very cold.

 

[warlock07]

I think an exactly similar post, almost line to line was made from the wife's perspective. But instead or art, it was music they bonded over. The wife reacted just as she did in the scenario(talking with bf etc). But she did not secretly record anything last time she posted here. But things could have changed.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...sband-taken-over-new-hobby-female-friend.html

 

[Wazza]

Have you asked the girlfriend to explain the recording? If so, how does she claim nothing happened in the light of it?

 

[Shaggy]

So your gf thinks its both normal and OK for a married man and a woman in her own long term relationship to go out on a date and to make out at the end.

Well if your willing to stay with after you've now heard for yourself her cheating on you, then you should expect her to be making out with every guy she ever has an evening with.

If you stay with her, you apparently also have her permission to do the same with anyone you have a nice evening with.

But that's only if you stay with her, which you would be a fool to do. Your gf is cheating on you with an old man. He's likely got a history of pulling the I'm an artist move on other women, and you really need to get yourself and std test.

I suggest you dump your gf for cheating and go completely dark on her forever, that way you won't have to live through hearing any more lies and idiotic rationalizations on how her in an RV making out with a married old man is ok.

Reality to cheating gf- it's not at all, not even a little, ok.

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

Not married? check
No kids? check
Long distance relationship? check
Both self absorbed and spending all their time at university? check
GF made out with man twice her age? check
OM not attractive? check

OK, based on the facts, I'm going to consult my relationship analyzer to see if this is worth saving. OK, I have the results. In light of the facts above, drop the woman like a hot potato and get on with your life.

Even if your GF didn't cheat on you, I'd still advise you to drop her and move on. Look at what the two of you are doing. Both are 31, focused on yourselves only and continuing to obtain more and more education. Neither of you appear like you're ready to move out into the real world to face real world problems. You live a long distance apart and can only see each other on weekends.

Here's my advice to you: 1) drop the GF, 2) Get a real job, 3) Mingle with more people than just the cloistered halls of academia, 4) Become more assertive, 5) Find a GF that is local for crying out loud.

 

[solongmarianne]

Further developments. My girfriend told me last night that the kissing was a one off, she does like him and she had had a bit much to drink and I should not regard it as a threat to our relationship.

Separately his wife has texted me to say that the art teacher has admitted he has been in love with my gf (unrequited) for the last 2 years but says over the summer she started coming on to him and has been very affectionate since then although it has never progressed beyond kissing and he has never been in her flat.

Anyway apparently the art teacher is moving out and is going to go public with a statement that it is because he has fallen in love with my gf. He has told his wife he feels that he has nothing to lose and if he can only have two good years with her before he gets too old, it will be worth it.

I am waiting to see what my gf tells me next as we are both due at a craft workshop he is running on sunday.

 

[AlphaHalf]

this is stupid.