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I write this as I sit next to my fathers hospital bed as he suffers through the last of his life.

I learned this week that my father is a very strong man. He was always a bad dude and many people feared him. I'll summarize the story then fill in the new detail later. The story I tell is new to me because it was never spoken of till recently. I'm 46 now.
When I was 6 my parents were the center of a lot of neighborhood parties in North Jersey. We moved from there when my mother was raped during one of these parties by her sisters boyfriend when they went out for cigarettes. By the time I was 12 they were separated and my dad had slept on the couch for about 6 years.
My dad left a great job in jersey and has struggled ever since. My mother has always said she left because of being tired of struggling financially and my dad was bad with money.

The truth is we left Jersey because my father, upon learning what happened at the party the next day, went to guys house and waited hours till he came out. My father never asked him anything, he beat the man into a coma. The guy was out for a month and he had to be told what happened and he never fully recovered from the beating.
The story I got was that my father couldn't handle the rape of his wife and he kept bringing it up for years. Making my mother hate him eventually. Again none of this info came from my father. He never spoke of it till now.
My mother has dated many men and had a 6 year relationship with a married man while I was a teen. I remember going into a bar at 16 to find him to punch him out. Because of this sort of thing I moved out while still in high school.
My father has not one time in the 34 years dated a woman or even mentioned one. When I told him he should find a woman to be with he said he had a wife already. So he believed in his vows.

After coming to TAM, I looked at all the details of their breakup and I formulated a guess as to the truth of what happened. Armed with this I bagan asking some questions and here is what I found out....

At the party my father saw my mother flirting with this guy at some point they disappear and my father is pis sed off. He grilled her. She was afraid to tell the truth knowing my father is sometimes violent and she told him she was raped by this guy. My father handled him and we moved out of state shortly after that.

My father didn't believe the rape story and continued to bring it up. The facts did not match. He got trickle truthed and it made him crazy. My mother eventually left and began dating a married man. She became an alcoholic.

So during a fight after they are divorced she admits to cheating that night at the party.

I learned my mother has asked my father to reconcile several times long after they were divorced. My father said no. He told me he could never trust her again after all that. He loved her but he could not live with her knowing all of that.

So till this last hospital stay for my father! he would drive to my mothers house every day and get her paper from the end of the driveway and walk it to her door, set it there for her and leave without a word. They still visit family at the same time on holidays and are both living alone, both in their seventies.
Through the years if my mom had a problem with a man, she would call my dad and he made sure the guy never returned. He was scary.

Today I am amazed once again how destructive infidelity is to everyone involved. I can go on all day listing the ways it has affected my life. It would bore you. Let's just say I'm on TAM for a reason.

Thanks for reading the truth about my father.
 

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That is just so sad. :(

Lies. It's all about lies. And trust. With lies, there can be no trust.

I'm so sorry for what your Dad went through. I only wish he had help to overcome his mistrust and move forward with his life. In spite of all that happened, I hope that there were times when he was happy. I'm sure your very existence gave him joy.

There is no happy ending, but there is a chance to find peace. I hope that your Dad finds that peace.
 

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I write this as I sit next to my fathers hospital bed as he suffers through the last of his life.

I learned this week that my father is a very strong man. He was always a bad dude and many people feared him. I'll summarize the story then fill in the new detail later. The story I tell is new to me because it was never spoken of till recently. I'm 46 now.
When I was 6 my parents were the center of a lot of neighborhood parties in North Jersey. We moved from there when my mother was raped during one of these parties by her sisters boyfriend when they went out for cigarettes. By the time I was 12 they were separated and my dad had slept on the couch for about 6 years.
My dad left a great job in jersey and has struggled ever since. My mother has always said she left because of being tired of struggling financially and my dad was bad with money.

The truth is we left Jersey because my father, upon learning what happened at the party the next day, went to guys house and waited hours till he came out. My father never asked him anything, he beat the man into a coma. The guy was out for a month and he had to be told what happened and he never fully recovered from the beating.
The story I got was that my father couldn't handle the rape of his wife and he kept bringing it up for years. Making my mother hate him eventually. Again none of this info came from my father. He never spoke of it till now.
My mother has dated many men and had a 6 year relationship with a married man while I was a teen. I remember going into a bar at 16 to find him to punch him out. Because of this sort of thing I moved out while still in high school.
My father has not one time in the 34 years dated a woman or even mentioned one. When I told him he should find a woman to be with he said he had a wife already. So he believed in his vows.

After coming to TAM, I looked at all the details of their breakup and I formulated a guess as to the truth of what happened. Armed with this I bagan asking some questions and here is what I found out....

At the party my father saw my mother flirting with this guy at some point they disappear and my father is pis sed off. He grilled her. She was afraid to tell the truth knowing my father is sometimes violent and she told him she was raped by this guy. My father handled him and we moved out of state shortly after that.

My father didn't believe the rape story and continued to bring it up. The facts did not match. He got trickle truthed and it made him crazy. My mother eventually left and began dating a married man. She became an alcoholic.

So during a fight after they are divorced she admits to cheating that night at the party.

I learned my mother has asked my father to reconcile several times long after they were divorced. My father said no. He told me he could never trust her again after all that. He loved her but he could not live with her knowing all of that.

So till this last hospital stay for my father! he would drive to my mothers house every day and get her paper from the end of the driveway and walk it to her door, set it there for her and leave without a word. They still visit family at the same time on holidays and are both living alone, both in their seventies.
Through the years if my mom had a problem with a man, she would call my dad and he made sure the guy never returned. He was scary.

Today I am amazed once again how destructive infidelity is to everyone involved. I can go on all day listing the ways it has affected my life. It would bore you. Let's just say I'm on TAM for a reason.

Thanks for reading the truth about my father.
So sad.
 

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Just wow.

I think of this and from your mom's perspective, she must have harbored just an immense amount of guilt, not only for what she did to your father, but for the beating her AP took. Her lie caused him to to lie in a coma for a month (not that he didn't sort of deserve it).

But then, for her to ask your dad to rid her of other men, is just odd.

Your dad is quite an interesting fellow. God bless all of you.
 

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That is so sad and so tragic, and I'm so very sorry for you. Love, lies, deceipt, betrayal. It could be a Lifetime movie, but it's not. It's your life and your family. Your father truly loved your mother but he couldn't heal from her betrayal which was made worse by all of the continued lies and deceipt. I hope your father finally finds the peace that he has been denied all of these years. I wonder if it's possible, even now at this late hour, that he and your mother will find some peace and closure, together, before he passes. And, finally, if you haven't, yet, I hope for both your and your mother's sake, that you will one day find forgiveness in your heart for her, as well. Life is very short, but eternity is forever. Try never to take unfinished business into eternity with you or let it slip into eternity without you. Peace to you and your family, Dogman.

~EI
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I'm sorry man.
Who knows what could happened had your mom told the truth, asked forgiveness and got her sh!t together...

Maybe beating that man to coma the day after the fake rape was actually the last straw. Instead she lied to the deep end, become alcoholic, promiscuous, used your Dad to get rid of "men" who treated her badly...

What a sad story. I believe the tragedy is despite asking that last chance she never tried to get healthier. Her place now was right beside your Dad's bed. At least a small gesture of gratitude.
 

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Thank you for sharing that story. I wish more people understood the results of infedilty. Many think it is just about them,

I hope this site helps you work through things. My wife had her A when are kids were adults. They still do not know about it to this day. I intend to take it to my grave. I want the hurt and pain to stop with my wife and I.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Just wow.

I think of this and from your mom's perspective, she must have harbored just an immense amount of guilt, not only for what she did to your father, but for the beating her AP took. Her lie caused him to to lie in a coma for a month (not that he didn't sort of deserve it).

But then, for her to ask your dad to rid her of other men, is just odd.

Your dad is quite an interesting fellow. God bless all of you.
Thanks Gabriel,
Yeah my dad is very different. I know this story casts him in a good light but while his views on marriage are solid he was very tough guy. So he became the great protector, in fact he got in a fist fight in his seventies. He was protecting a good friend from pushy workmate.
He's made a lot of mistakes but he had the right idea about marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
40 years ago a guy could get away with beating the snot out of the OM. These days it would cost you thousands of dollors and if you were lucky you would get propation. If a guy didn't have the dough he would surely end up doing time.
Those were the days, right?
He was very lucky the guy couldn't remember the event or who did it.
 

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I'm sorry man.
Who knows what could happened had your mom told the truth, asked forgiveness and got her sh!t together...

Maybe beating that man to coma the day after the fake rape was actually the last straw. Instead she lied to the deep end, become alcoholic, promiscuous, used your Dad to get rid of "men" who treated her badly...

What a sad story. I believe the tragedy is despite asking that last chance she never tried to get healthier. Her place now was right beside your Dad's bed. At least a small gesture of gratitude.
Acabado,
I agree, she has never taken responsibility for anything in her life. He taught me the meaning of fierce loyalty. She taught me things I needed therapy to get over.
I have not made peace with her because she is continuing to be a bad person. The wreckage is obvious from an objective point of view.
Thanks for the thoughts from all who responded.
 

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Acabado,
I agree, she has never taken responsibility for anything in her life. He taught me the meaning of fierce loyalty. She taught me things I needed therapy to get over.
I have not made peace with her because she is continuing to be a bad person. The wreckage is obvious from an objective point of view.
Thanks for the thoughts from all who responded.
I had to rid myself of my mother a couple of years ago. I have enough drama in my own life without having to worry about her as if she's a child. I was always the mature responsible person, he is the person that whines about life sucking but doesnt try to do anything about it....just waits for something to happen. It was exhausting.

You are probably in a better place now to have stepped away from her when you did!!
 

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Thanks Thor.
He's been held together by duct tape for years, surprises even the doctors. As he always says "every dog has their day"
Dogman, just wanted to check on you and see how your father is doing?
 
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