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Discussion Starter · #1 ·


Well I'm not really sure sure how to begin with this, since I have never posted on a message board before, but I read on them a lot. So I guess here it goes. Please be kind and please no bashing.

Well my husband and I have.been together for 15 years, his sex drive has came and gone through out our relationship. However the past few years have seemed like nothing but a struggle for me. I have never been able to experience things in the bedroom with him on a regular basis. The first thing that I noticed was that foreplay went out the door (I accepted that because we do have 3 children which are now 10, 6, & 5.) Then it was he didn't care if he finished anymore. I made it very known that I had a issues with that. Of which he replied, all I care about is you finishing. Why it bothered me I dealt with it for a while. Then he started with this "you play with yourself and I'll play with myself", I threw a fit. But to please him I did it, I just thought it was a phase. Then it was no not tonight. All in the mean time I'm buying outfits, setting the mood, getting dvds, ect.

Then it seemed like he snapped out of it and was into me again ( I was excited and hopeful ) and things have been going ok for the past 2 - 3 months.

Here we go again, he says I rub him raw, so I bought some lube (actually 3 different kinds :) because I didn't know what one was best) so know he seems into sex but the rubbing him raw excuse is putting a hold on it. He says he doesn't want to use lube. Why? Whats wrong with lube? If it keeps him from raw who cares.
I'm into all kinds of positions, oral, foreplay, ext. I'm not unattractive, I have a decent body, and c breasts. I show him love and compassion daily, along with building him up by saying things like how good he makes me feel, how much I enjoy being with him sexually, and random text messages about me give him oral sex. He talkes it up on text but at home he seems to always have an excuse.

What do I do? How can I keep him from getting raw? (Do guys really get raw)
Or do I just sit and wait like I did before?

Cheating isn't the issue, we have a great relationship other then the bedroom.
Guys any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Lady's any advice on what to do or if you have had to deal with this would also be greatly appreciated.
 

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Has he had his testosterone levels checked? He could have a low sex drive because of hormones. Two of my male friends have this, one of my friends and his partner are okay with it, the other has a wife with a higher sex drive....not so okay.

Has he discussed with you what things he might be into sexually?

I completely understand how it feels when you are constantly rejected as a woman...it sucks.
 

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How is is health? Poor circulation is a huge libido killer. If that isn't a factor ... he gets regular exercise and doesn't smoke ... then definitely get his testosterone checked. That can be fixed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
No we have not had his levels checked he says that he isn't in the mood or I have rubbed him raw. we do quite a bit of different stuff when we do have sex like in the man cave ( its kind of like a 2nd living room I the garage). we do quite a bit of positions and exploring however he doesn't seem to get into it like I do. And the excuse of him being raw is really bothering me. I've read and read and read that the guys will get friction burn for lack of lube so I've gotten lube and he says no. so I'm beginning to think that rubbed raw is an excuse. How do I talk to him about getting his levels checked what do I mention or how do I start a conversation about it.
 

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Not to be Mr. Obvious but he has to quit the cigs. If it isn't the source of the problem now, it will be eventually.

I'm not buying the rubbed raw explanation either. I've only had that happen once ... in my younger years after hours and hours of sex. Unless you are abnormally dry, it doesn't sound right. You would be rubbed raw more than he would.

I don't know how you would approach it with him. I think bluntly (in a positive way) would work best with me. Something like ... "I'm sure it's nothing but can you do this for me?" Then again, I don't know him and some people would react differently.
 

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I don't know much about testosterone levels so I cant input on that subject. But it sounds like he is a man who has other things going on in his life and it affects his drive more than yours, so he makes excuses to avoid having a discussion. When you have had conversations with him about this how does it go?

Being lower drive he probably has things on his mind and loses focus on sex, but he can tell you are raring to go regardless and maybe he finds that stressful too. Perhaps a massage to relax him, leading into the texted-about blowjob? (Although it cant be all about him either...)How is his employment situation, family life etc? Just some other factors to consider... not that it helps much for you when you are gagging for it and he is not, rejection sucks.

It does sound like it's pretty hot between you when you do get going, but you have mismatched drives.

Perhaps he needs a shake up but in a constructive way about making your needs a priority. Have you read Miss Scarlett's thread? Not the same situation, but lots of interesting discussion on meeting needs.
 

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I don't know much about testosterone levels so I cant input on that subject. But it sounds like he is a man who has other things going on in his life and it affects his drive more than yours, so he makes excuses to avoid having a discussion. When you have had conversations with him about this how does it go?

Being lower drive he probably has things on his mind and loses focus on sex, but he can tell you are raring to go regardless and maybe he finds that stressful too. Perhaps a massage to relax him, leading into the texted-about blowjob? (Although it cant be all about him either...)How is his employment situation, family life etc? Just some other factors to consider... not that it helps much for you when you are gagging for it and he is not, rejection sucks.

It does sound like it's pretty hot between you when you do get going, but you have mismatched drives.

Perhaps he needs a shake up but in a constructive way about making your needs a priority. Have you read Miss Scarlett's thread? Not the same situation, but lots of interesting discussion on meeting needs.
This could be true too. My wife and I have always had mismatched drives ... mine high and hers low. During normal times this was extremely frustrating (I do know rejection all too well) but I can also say that there were high stress periods in my life when sex was definitely not at the top of mind. Now, she rarely initiated so it wasn't a problem but if she had, I would likely respond a lot like he does.
 

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Your husband sure does like to be in control. In fact, he sure does like to manipulate things so you never seem to get your feet on solid ground or feel like you ARE meeting his needs and that way he doesn't have to meet your needs.

-His sex drive comes and goes
-you've never been able to have regular positive experiences. It's never good enough or just right.
-He makes no effort to please you.
-using mutual masturbation instead of mutually satisfying sex.
-Accusing you of only caring about orgasming (when in reality if you DONT care about it who will? Surely not him!)
-rubbed raw, (which I don't buy for a NY minute) but refuses lube?

Do you walk on egg shells in other areas of your life with him or is it just sex?
 

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Testosterone level wouldn't explain the manipulative controlling behavior.
 

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Your husband sure does like to be in control. In fact, he sure does like to manipulate things so you never seem to get your feet on solid ground or feel like you ARE meeting his needs and that way he doesn't have to meet your needs.

-His sex drive comes and goes
-you've never been able to have regular positive experiences. It's never good enough or just right.
-He makes no effort to please you.
-using mutual masturbation instead of mutually satisfying sex.
-Accusing you of only caring about orgasming (when in reality if you DONT care about it who will? Surely not him!)
-rubbed raw, (which I don't buy for a NY minute) but refuses lube?

Do you walk on egg shells in other areas of your life with him or is it just sex?
I'm not sure you are completely on target with this.

"He makes no effort to please you" ... he has told her that he is only interested in making sure she gets hers and that he is less concerned about himself. Sounds like a man who is having a difficult time climaxing for whatever reason but wants to make sure she is pleased.

"His sex drive comes and goes" ... how is this an example of being controlling and manipulative? All things being equal, I normally have a high drive ... but it does come and go occasionally depending on what's going on in my life ... especially high stress periods. I think that is pretty normal.

"using mutual masturbation instead of mutually satisfying sex." He is being manipulative here ... but my guess is that he really wasn't feeling it but wanted to find some way to continue with sex.

"Accusing you of only caring about orgasming (when in reality if you DONT care about it who will? Surely not him!)" Not sure when he accused her of this. In fact, she said ... "Then it was he didn't care if he finished anymore. I made it very known that I had a issues with that. Of which he replied, all I care about is you finishing.


Can this be interpreted as controlling and manipulative? Yes. Do I think it is intentional in that he gets satisfaction from it? No.

It is controlling and manipulative because it sounds like a guy trying to keep up with a wife who has a higher sex drive than he does. He isn't into it as much as she is ... at least not as often or with the same consistency. He's making excuses ... the whole rubbed raw thing ... hoping she'll buy it or it gets the pressure off. He is manipulating her by trying (and failing) to convince her he's something he's not and he probably thinks this is a better alternative to outright rejecting her when he isn't feeling it. He is not being honest with himself or her and is doing whatever he can do to get by.


I had this experience once with a very HD girlfriend. I have a high drive but not relative to her. The difference probably being that I was in a corporate training program (boot camp) that required my undivided attention, about 70hrs/week and had a high failure rate ... the price of failure was your job. She had moved in with me and from the moment I got home all she wanted to do was have sex. Sounds like a dream come true from my perspective ... but only under normal circumstances. My situation at that time was anything but normal. We had some amazing sex but with all the pressure I was under, I wasn't feeling it every night and I found myself doing some of the same things her husband is doing ... little tricks to get by so that I didn't disappoint her ... when all I really wanted to be doing was going to bed.
 

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Your husband sure does like to be in control. In fact, he sure does like to manipulate things so you never seem to get your feet on solid ground or feel like you ARE meeting his needs and that way he doesn't have to meet your needs.

-His sex drive comes and goes
-you've never been able to have regular positive experiences. It's never good enough or just right.
-He makes no effort to please you.
-using mutual masturbation instead of mutually satisfying sex.
-Accusing you of only caring about orgasming (when in reality if you DONT care about it who will? Surely not him!)
-rubbed raw, (which I don't buy for a NY minute) but refuses lube?

Do you walk on egg shells in other areas of your life with him or is it just sex?
You are clearly projecting which doesn't help the OP at all.
 

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What do I do? How can I keep him from getting raw? (Do guys really get raw)
Yes, and maybe the lube you used was in issue for him. Have you tried coconut oil or a silicon based lube? There's no excuse for him not liking no lube but ok if he just has issues with the particular lube.

When my wife was on bc pills she would get very dry. That with the condom she made me wear at the same time made it hard for me to enjoy. a snip-snip and coconut oil has helped a lot.

Or do I just sit and wait like I did before?
Not if you value your marriage. Do something, talk, pray, get help, but enjoyable sex is important to keep a marriage alive. Letting a small problem now will develop into a habit which will cause huge problems later to undo.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I agree with some of the control issue, he controls my ability to be sexual, because I won't go somewhere else to get it. With that being said it doesn't mean I am happy about it. As for the lube I have bought 3 different kinds. No I have not tried the coconut oil, is it just plain coconut oil like in the natural foods section or what kind is it?

As for the porn or masturbating, we have a open dialog and he hasn't ever said anything to lead me to believe that he enjoys the masturbating besides he wants to do it with me right by him. And for the porn, I've checked the history on the laptop (we only have one, and he doesn't have a computer at work, and I've checked the history on his phone and on our account and I haven't spotted anything that leads to porn.

I did tell him in a conversation we were having that it is starting to really get to me that he isn't interested (I'm trying to be nice and not to pushy) in being sexual with me. And I am beginning to feel like its something that I am doing wrong. And he tries to reassure me that its him not me. So I'm stuck......
 
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