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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My daughter who is 15 and has had a horrible biological dad, (he hasn't spoken to her in a year, is 13,000 behind in child-support etc) so my STBXH has been her seragent dad for 6 years. She loves and misses him...but she has been internalizing a lot of her feelings regarding his affair, the betrayal and abandonment, the separation and now me filing for divorce. D-Day was 12/8 and he moved out 12/11. She's an amazing young woman, and has been so wonderful and nurturing to me. Which makes me sad, that she has been taking care of me the past few weeks.

To my point, she basically wants nothing to do with him. I told him They can still have a relationship if she is willing. But she in no certain terms told me "that's not my decision to make for her, she is angry & maybe if she gets over it in a few months she'll consider having a relationship with him" etc. I am sad that she is so angry, and I want her feelings to reflect "her true feelings", not feeling protective over me. They had a great relationship before he had his affair and I'd hate to see her lose him too!

There is no chance of me working things out with him. I cannot look at him he makes me so sick. He threw away everything having a physical affair. But that's our issue not hers. I am just wondering what I should do. This has been a nightmare. Obviously for both of us.
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yes I have told her about the affair. I cried and stayed in bed for 2 weeks straight. I want her to go to counseling but she refuses. Her schoolwork hasn't suffered, she still has a 3.9 GPA and I would think that would suffer if she was having serious coping issues. I know it has made me that much more ANGRY at him. It's one thing to screw me over, but it's unforgivable to screw her over.
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She might just need time. Or maybe she just won't want anything to do with him. She does have a legitimate reason to be angry with him. I'd let her keep feeling how she's feeling. There's no quick fix to repairing the damage your STBXH's affair caused her anymore than there is for you guys.
 
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Her feelings are real. Don't tamp them and don't fan them. Let her know she's not betraying you if she still feels for this man.

I, personally wouldn't encourage het to maintain a relationship with him. But that's me, and I'm not sure that it's healthy to just cut him off from her completely.

Perhaps family counseling for both of you would be beneficial. You can ask her to go with you to support you.
 

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Do not tell her she can't dispise him for his actions. He may have cheated on you, but he betrayed the whole family.

She now sees him for the selfish cheater he chose to be. I think she's both justified, and entirely reasonable choosing to dump him from her life. He is not worthy of her spending her time with or listening to him. He has shown that his judgement and values are not worth listening to and his counsel is not to be respected.

Instead of tellng her she needs to accept him, give her a hug and tell her you respect her choice.
 

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I too think you should pursue counseling for her... My concerns would lie more in long term trust and relationship issues than her current coping skills.
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I'm dealing with something very similar with my 16 yr old. She is extremely smart and articulate. Her father is not. In the aftermath of his A, he blames her for discovering part of it. Told her "she should have kept her nose out of his business", that she was interferring, that she was no daughter of his. Guess what? She does not want to talk with him. Like your d, her grades have not suffered. I sent her to counseling, and after two sessions, she refused to go back. I worry about her ability to trust in the future. The real saving grace is that she has a fantastic group of friends who unconditionally support her.
How is your daughter doing with other friendships? Does she have people she can confide in?
 

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1. I applaud you! With the affair being so recent, how you're able to separate your disdain for your stbxh while still trying to promote a relationship between him and your daughter, I can't commend you enough. That is a truly selfless and mature way to handle this.

2. Go to "couples" counseling with your daughter, once she moves past the initial apprehension, she'll get a lot out of it. She'll need it too. There's no way she's going to have a healthy thought process in regards to men given her poor history, and she'll be more likely to suffer in her adult years due to it.
 

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I'm dealing with something very similar with my 16 yr old. She is extremely smart and articulate. Her father is not. In the aftermath of his A, he blames her for discovering part of it. Told her "she should have kept her nose out of his business", that she was interferring, that she was no daughter of his. Guess what? She does not want to talk with him. Like your d, her grades have not suffered. I sent her to counseling, and after two sessions, she refused to go back. I worry about her ability to trust in the future. The real saving grace is that she has a fantastic group of friends who unconditionally support her.
How is your daughter doing with other friendships? Does she have people she can confide in?
Sorry, I just had to state.

Your daughter's father is DESPICABLE!!! To have an affair and then blameshift on your CHILD?!?! That man needs to have some training on what it means to be a man and father. Lesson 1 starts with a 2x4.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
She might just need time. Or maybe she just won't want anything to do with him. She does have a legitimate reason to be angry with him. I'd let her keep feeling how she's feeling. There's no quick fix to repairing the damage your STBXH's affair caused her anymore than there is for you guys.
I agree she has a legitimate reason to be angry with him. However, I do not want her to feel like every man has disappointed her in her life. I realize there is no quick fix and its upsetting that he knows her track record with "father type" role models in her life and he would do this to her.
 

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Do not tell her she can't dispise him for his actions. He may have cheated on you, but he betrayed the whole family.

She now sees him for the selfish cheater he chose to be. I think she's both justified, and entirely reasonable choosing to dump him from her life. He is not worthy of her spending her time with or listening to him. He has shown that his judgement and values are not worth listening to and his counsel is not to be respected.

Instead of tellng her she needs to accept him, give her a hug and tell her you respect her choice.
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Sounds like he was bonded to her like oil on water.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I'm dealing with something very similar with my 16 yr old. She is extremely smart and articulate. Her father is not. In the aftermath of his A, he blames her for discovering part of it. Told her "she should have kept her nose out of his business", that she was interferring, that she was no daughter of his. Guess what? She does not want to talk with him. Like your d, her grades have not suffered. I sent her to counseling, and after two sessions, she refused to go back. I worry about her ability to trust in the future. The real saving grace is that she has a fantastic group of friends who unconditionally support her.
How is your daughter doing with other friendships? Does she have people she can confide in?
She does have a really good friend whose mother did the same thing to her father. So I believe they talk about this. I am really sorry that your daughter has to deal with an ******* like your stbxh. I love how "she is interferring in his business"...what a creep. That is despicable and awful. Especially, since this "cheating thing" is his bag to carry, not your daughters. I really want to hurt your STBXH. If my stbx did that to her, I think I would quit being so civil and hurt him physically. I think she has a good support system as far as her best friend goes. I just know she is worried about me. And I am worried about her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Sorry, I just had to state.

Your daughter's father is DESPICABLE!!! To have an affair and then blameshift on your CHILD?!?! That man needs to have some training on what it means to be a man and father. Lesson 1 starts with a 2x4.
:iagree::iagree:
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
1. I applaud you! With the affair being so recent, how you're able to separate your disdain for your stbxh while still trying to promote a relationship between him and your daughter, I can't commend you enough. That is a truly selfless and mature way to handle this.

2. Go to "couples" counseling with your daughter, once she moves past the initial apprehension, she'll get a lot out of it. She'll need it too. There's no way she's going to have a healthy thought process in regards to men given her poor history, and she'll be more likely to suffer in her adult years due to it.
Thank you! I want her to have good relationships with men. And so far every man, with exception to my father, her brother grandpa and my two brother in laws, she has no men worth a crap in her life. She is an extremely wonderful girl, who doesn't need this BS in her life. I remember having a psychologist tell me, in regards to her dad, "do what is best for your child, not what is best for you", so I am trying to make this about her not about me. And I was able to separate myself from him, because an affair is a deal breaker. It sucks and I hate dealing with it...but I cannot be with him. but if she can maintain her relationship with him, that is fine with me. I do not have to be involved.

Her STBX stepdad is worthless in my eyes. There is no honor in someone who does something like this...He has done so much irreversible damage to us. He lied to his own son about why we are getting divorced. I know a big thing with cheaters is they do not play there WHOLE affair out. They do not realize the damage they are doing until it was toooooooooo late.

I will make us an appt with a counselor. She most likely will be mad, but i do not want her to think this is a normal way men treat women. And it is acceptable to be treated this way. :(
 
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My daughter who is 15 and has had a horrible biological dad, (he hasn't spoken to her in a year, is 13,000 behind in child-support etc) so my STBXH has been her seragent dad for 6 years. She loves and misses him...but she has been internalizing a lot of her feelings regarding his affair, the betrayal and abandonment, the separation and now me filing for divorce. D-Day was 12/8 and he moved out 12/11. She's an amazing young woman, and has been so wonderful and nurturing to me. Which makes me sad, that she has been taking care of me the past few weeks.

To my point, she basically wants nothing to do with him. I told him They can still have a relationship if she is willing. But she in no certain terms told me "that's not my decision to make for her, she is angry & maybe if she gets over it in a few months she'll consider having a relationship with him" etc. I am sad that she is so angry, and I want her feelings to reflect "her true feelings", not feeling protective over me. They had a great relationship before he had his affair and I'd hate to see her lose him too!

There is no chance of me working things out with him. I cannot look at him he makes me so sick. He threw away everything having a physical affair. But that's our issue not hers. I am just wondering what I should do. This has been a nightmare. Obviously for both of us.
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You need to realise a couple of very important points here. He betrayed her.

He cheated on her as well as on you.

She allowed him to become her step-dad and he threw that back in her face.

And in my opinion, you are very, very wrong on one point. It is very much her issue as well as yours and his.

He taught her a lot of stuff as her step-dad, and then proceeded to **** on it and say: "Ah, the hell with all that morals garbage I taught you! Forget it! I never meant a damn word of it!"

That is the message he has given her. And kids are fast learners.
 
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