Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I will try to make this short and to the point, i know i hate reading long threads. I guess i need to start at the root of my situation in order to get the most helpful responses...
Im 26 I grew up having a great life, never raped or in an abusive house or any issues there just so were clear. My issues stem from a combination of bad past relationships, and seeing first hand the disgusting percentage of men that are unfaithful and the real value of marriage today... Let me allaberate.. Ive been through the ringer when it comes to pigs (unfaithful men)...been cheated on, aside from left for an ex gf, and left for an ex wife all from different boyfriends. That was the first degree of my emotional turmoil...
I was a bartender before i got my sh*t together and in that period of time i witnessed an overwhelming number of unfaithful marriages, it was devastating to watch... On top of it all- the one relationship i always admired and looked to for inspiration, the one that gave me hope- turned out not to be so admirable. (My parents after near 30 years)
Be it a run of bad luck or bad karma, the amount of extreme emotional damage and everything i had been through up to that point resulted in my HATE of all men, i lost any and all kind of hope in marriage or any kind of lasting relationship i had left. In turn i became celibate and avoided any kind of emotional connection with a man. I was to the point that i actually wished i could become a lesbian and avoid ever becoming involved with a man again. Unfortunately im just not at all attracted to women...
Then i met my current husband. He really put himself through a lot to win me over. I seen what a genuine good guy he was. He restored a small amount of belief that good guys might actually exist. So i gave it a try. For the first year and a half he felt like he was the only one in the relationship, and he had good reason. I cared about him but I still kept contact with all my guy friends, he hated that and it caused alot of problems. For me it was my way of not getting in to deep and letting myself be 100% commited and vulnerable again.
That helped lead to a series of physical abuse from his part. (working on the root of this problem..he was abused throughout childhood) This isnt even where my problem lies, so i dont want all the focus to be here. He is honestly an all around amazing guy apart from that. My thoughts were i would rather endure the physical pain any day over any more emotional damage. My thoughts are if that was the only thing really wrong with him then im golden. At least that's something you can work on together...
I had no doubt that he was the guy for me. We got married, it made me feel more secure with him.. I finally stopped talking to guys and tried being 100% with him. I excepted that i really loved him and if i didnt change i would lose him. I completely let my guard down, things were amazing... Then one night we came across this new feature on facebook that saves your people search history (our computer monitor is our tv) we were sitting on the couch next to each other when I looked at his history, Not expecting to find anything since he hates facebook and hardly ever gets on the thing...I seen he had looked up his ex wife...
This is where my issues start- In that moment i experienced something ive never felt before. Not sure what to call it... A total meltdown, severe panick attack, Horrible anxiety? Not quite sure. Felt like a mix of all the above. I was hyperventilating, couldnt breath felt like i was going to throw up all at the same time. A flood of thoughts took over my head- He is thinking about her, that means he misses her! OH MY GOD! how could i be so stupid and blind?!! I got an overwhelming feeling that i had been blind sighted and that he is actually just another pig like all the rest. I didnt know what to do, threw a bag together and was tying to leave. He tried calming me down, telling me i was in no condition to be driving anywhere. He didnt know what to do as he had never seen me like that either. I couldnt see or think straight, i knew there was no way i could drive. So i stayed. When i finally got myself under control we talked about the cituation.It was a long heated debate, he got angry when he found searches of mine for ex's, comparing his one time looking up an ex to my looking up several exes. Even tho what seems like a valid point, i couldnt reason. I knew what my intentions were, to me it just wasn't comparable. He said he never contacted her, he swore up and down that not a single part of him misses her or would ever consider taking her back. He claimed he looked her up because he was told her new husband looked just like him. I decided to believe him...
I tried to tell myself- move foreward, forget about it, i was over reacting that it really wasnt a big deal. I could only wish- I found that was impossible.
Ever since i found that, And what i experienced... I knew what i found was such a tiny matter, and that if he were to really leave me for her or cheat, anything related of a larger scale... I would be SO screwed!! I would be so entirely ruined beyond repair that there would be no coming back from that. Probably ever!! I might as well be dead, i would already be emotionally dead... I started acting completely out of character for myself. My time from then on was consumed by digging and more digging trying to find any thread of evidence that this man isn't the good guy i have been lead to believe; that he will hurt me if i dont take action and get out while there is still pieces of me still left..
I acted like a crazy person- spending hours looking through his entire email accounts dating back to before we even got together. Researching how to recover deleted text and facebook messages. Phone history- anything i could get my hands on that might tell me something. Questioning every motive. I would see what i was doing and know i was acting like a total NUT, but i couldnt make myself just stop and get off it already.
My crazyness has calmed way down, i gave up on trying to dig up things on him. It just hurts that he doesnt understand my situation or try to. Although he thinks he has it all figured out, He calls the things i was hurt by in the past so petty and that i just crave attention. I just wish he would try to do some real research and understand a little better. He is very hard to talk to about my issues so it would be nice to get some outside opinion. Also a small part of me wonders if the abuse part is still lingering subconsciously? Like an unclosed wound? Maybe helping to fuel the fire of what was my crazyness?
I dont know, im just trying to find answers...
All that aside..We have been married a little over a year and I love him more than anything, i honestly couldnt imagine life without him. We are each others best friend, we do everything together. We even started our own business and work everyday together! And yet we never get sick of each. More than anything i want to be able to trust my husband fully without reservations. I have no reason not to! I really feel that he would never hurt me. I just wish i knew how to let go of my insecurities, its nothing but toxic junk. There are so many better things to focus on like a long and happy marriage! If anyone can relate and grant some advice that would be so much appreciated. I love to read, maybe there is a book i can benefit from? Even if there is no advice to be given, its been refreshing to vent. So thanks for reading :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
You do realize that it's NOT normal to hate one half of the entire world's population, right?

The fact that you saw so much bad behavior had a lot to do with being in places where bad behavior takes place. If you'd spent 40 hours a week in churches instead, you'd have developed an entirely different outlook.

Both you and your husband have some serious control and codependency issues. You would benefit a LOT from seeking a therapist, but if you're not ready for that try reading up on codependency.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
Kathy is right on the mark.

Did you know that women are starting affairs at almost the same rate that men do now? The gap is rapidly closing!

I also take issue with ANY man hitting ANY woman. It should never happen regardless of the reason

You both need some serious counseling as fast as you can get it!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,197 Posts
Yeah, you don't have to live like this. With all the jealous, fear, and insecurity. It's going to wear you down. If I were you, I'd start by talking to your doctor. He or she should be able to point you in the right direction.

Also, physical abuse is unacceptable. Your husband needs to either get into counselling or learn anger management skills. Let him know that if he ever hurts or threatens to hurt you again, you have no choice but to call the police, and follow through.

Good luck. The fact that you recognize that there's a problem and want to change it should give you a lot of hope. You can do this! Stay strong!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I appreciate the input.
Kathy is right on, i do realize my situation had alot to do with what i was surrounding myself with. I obviously went for the wrong types of guys also, that im all aware of. If only i could go back and to things total different. Unfortunately you cant change what damage has already done, just learn how to deal with it?
I agree women cheat just as often as men, ive seen both just as often. But when you are expected to get married and raise a family with a man, you tend to feel a little more personal towards the one side. Ive always had friends that were male, so i dont hate them. I was repulsed at how meaningless mariage had gotten, and just petrified of marriage altogether. The hate is in the eomtional part with men.
NL- i know i need help, thats why im here to try some self healing first. I have called the cops on him once before, i know this is going to sound really bad so be nice. It did more harm than good. I am a huge hypocrite, i always said any girl is an idiot to put up with that even once. I can say it is alot different when its you. Im not looking for sympathy. Theres to much depth there to just touch on, so ill leave it. That would have to be a separate post i may or may not think about in the future. Thanks!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
You're right that it does seem different when it's you.

The problem is that when it *is* you, every action you do or don't take teaches others how to treat you.

If you want to be treated well, don't put up with bad treatment. Period. Not "just this one time," because that only teaches someone that if they can make a good enough excuse, you'll forgive it "just one time."

It does NOT make you mean if you only let people into your life who are good people that treat others with kindness and respect!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
211 Posts
I worry whenever anyone says anything along the lines of 'i would die without him/her' - it is co-dependent and unhealthy.

A healthy relationship depends on two happy independent people coming together in a way that enhances each others lives. If you depend on the other for your happiness IMO you are doomed for failure. We are each responsible for our own happiness.

My advice is to work on your own individual issues. You cannot fix your marriage until you fix whatever is going on in your head.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
NL- He didnt make me pay for it or anything. He just resented me for calling the cops on him for a while after. Put a strain on the relationship. I dont think he has it in him to very seriously hurt me.

i tried getting him to ask for help on here, he doesnt think it would help that he would only get ridiculed. Im sure there is other men that might be able to relate.

JJG- Ive never considered myself to be co-dependant on him. Ive always took pride in being a pretty dependant woman. I can see this thread isnt a good display of that..

Being completely dead emotionaly -Never being able to love again- That is my fear-

The more ive gone through this site i see im clearly not alone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Independent and co-dependent often go hand-in-hand.

I know that sounds odd, but it's not. You can depend on him for just one or two things in an unhealthy way that he doesn't satisfy, but still be able to get your other needs met in independent ways.

Most abuse dynamics involve someone who is codependent BUT also outspoken and strong.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top