Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 55 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My boyfriend of 13 years is leaving me, because i had an online emotional affair. i need advice.

sorry this is really long, its the whole story.

We met in school when we were 5 years old, when we were 14 we met up again and we started dating

the first year of our relationship was perfect,by then
he was part of my family, that year we switched to the same school so we could spend even more time together,

one day a girl approached me and told me that my boyfriend spent the night at her house, she also told me he showed her extremely private pictures of me, and also the letters id written him and i felt absolutely crushed. i didn't want to break up, i wanted him to fix it, and make us happy again.

When we were 16 years old, he proposed to me.

during my last year of high school our relationship was a little strained, he had been placed in a group home, and that didn't help. i didn't know that i trusted him until a girl at school approached me and told me that her and my boyfriend were only friends so i had nothing to worry about. it was weird but that was all.

a little while later he broke my heart for the second time, but this time was different, he looked into my eyes and told me the love was gone, and he wanted to
break up. i begged him to stay but he ended it, and started dating that girl, he seemed happy, but i was heart broken, a month later he broke up with her we started talking, more like friends,I still loved him and we got back together.

i was still so hurt and angry and i treated him differently, i was more cold, and i was just waiting for him to break my heart again. i started getting depressed and our fights were getting worse, and during fights i would get so mean, i would say things i didn't mean just to hurt him, because of how hurt i still was. almost all of our little fights would escalate until i was calling him names and threatening to leave and he was asking me to stay. I never really

wanted to leave but when he was asking me to stay was the only time i really saw how much he loved me.

i started getting more and more into computer games and talking to people and being free of reality, and we grew further apart. then finally we found a new apartment that was way bigger and nicer and in a new area, and it was supposed to be our new start. we moved here and things were much better between us, but i still wasn't going to school and i was still depressed, but for the first little while we didn't have any of those huge fights, but he was taking care of me and i was getting more dependent on him but also more into talking to people online, i was still hiding behind the computer and getting the attention i craved from other people, people i would never meet and somehow it seemed harmless.

i never really hid what i was doing and i explained it to him a little, and told him we weren't having sex very often and we weren't very affectionately towards each other, and we both agreed to try harder, and things would improve for a while. i started to talk more to this one person, eventually it turned into voice chat, and we got closer and closer. all together i spoke to this person for about 2 years, towards the end he was telling me that he was in love with me, and even though i never felt that way about any one else, eventually i started saying those kinds of things to him, the kinds of things i wanted to say to my boyfriend, but i was scared to. i was scared if he knew i forgave him and how much i loved him, he would
hurt me again. my boyfriend only seemed to be bother when it came to video chat, so i stopped that. and it seemed fine.

about 2 months ago, my boyfriend caught me having "phone sex" with this person, we talked for a few minutes but i was so completely embarrassed, i was speechless. i was so scared he would break up with me, but he assured me that it was okay. over the next few days we had more sexual contact then in the months prior. i still spoke to that person online but it was different. my boyfriend checked my phone one night and read all the old texts between me and this person, that were extremely inappropriate, he saw me say things to a stranger that i didn't even say to him anymore. when i was saying those things, it was more about wanting to say them, then about who i was saying them to. there is only 1 man i have ever loved and he was the one i was thinking of when i was saying sweet things, and talking about love. I had an emotional affair. but i was not in
love with this person, i loved the attention, i loved being loved, that is very different.

he finally told me about the phone, and the texts
he read, and we talked and had a few drinks and for hours we had the most real talk we had in years. i told him i would stop, and i would never speak to anyone like that again, i told him i loved him from the bottom of my heart and he told me he loved me and we talked about things we both want and we talked about how to make this better.

After that talk, its like everything changed, i was happier then we have been in years, i started telling him everyday that i love him and we started really kissing again, and it felt like everything was finally getting better. he started thinking more about the future and he worked on his resume and even got some work in the field of his choice, it felt like we were growing up, and it was amazing.

we were getting closer and closer to our anniversary and it was about to be the happiest anniversary in a long time. i noticed he was being a little distant, in the following days i asked, but i tried not to push too much, but it was the night before our 13th anniversary and i just needed to know what was happening. i pushed and he yelled at me, we both took a few hours and then i asked him if he wanted to talk.

we talked a little bit and went to sleep, the next day... our anniversary, it was awkward, and he was upset, and i just wanted to make him feel better. eventually he went out to run errands, but he really just needed some time away. that night he slept on the couch. the next day, we talked a little more and that night he went out with friends, i stayed up all night waiting, and for the first time ever.. he didn't come home.

since that night he hasn't been sleeping at home, and he says he doesn't know if he can ever trust me again, and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. he told me the mistakes he made were when we were young, just teenagers. now we are older and i should have known better.

hes being really cold towards me now, and barely coming by the house at all, for the first time i don't see him everyday. he says he needs space, and hes trying to find out who he is, outside of us, and that he might want to break up for good. he is convinced that eventually things would just go back to how they used to be and he is so wrong, i have never been so sure of anything, as i am on this, i would never hurt him again, and never treat him like anything less then the love of my life

I deleted every text or picture or contact, i cut ties with anyone i talked to online, not for him, but because i don't need that anymore, i don't need to hide anymore, there is only 1 thing i want and there is only 1 person that i want to spend the rest of my life with. Since then i have had no desire whatsoever to go back to what i was doing.

for the first time i can see everything so clearly, i can see how wrong i was for long, and how amazing he really is. i see how much i love him, and how much i want to spend the rest of my life with him, trying to make him as happy as he makes me. i know that i messed up and i know that hes hurt and he doesn't think he can ever trust me again, and i know because i have felt that way also.

So now I'm left begging the love of my life to give me one chance to prove to him that all the changes hes wanted, have finally happened. I want to show him how much he means to me every single day, and how in love i am with him and show him the respect he deserves, because he is the best person i know.

I took the only man i will ever love, for granted and now i am losing him, i need to show him that nothing like this could ever happen again, and im willing to do anything just to have him in my life. Im worried that the longer he stays away, the less chance i have of earning him back. I want him to be happy, and either way he will be happy, but i cant imagine a life without him, a life of regret and missing him, and mourning for my only love, and my only chance at happiness.

its only been a week and it feels like an eternity. any advice is appreciated
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,564 Posts
Sorry for what you're going through. Just a thought but maybe some time apart may do the both of you guys some good? Sounds like you've been pretty involved since you were both very young. That can be a double edged sword for a lot of couples.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
387 Posts
Sounds like you guys have been headed in opposite directions for a long time.

You may not realize it now but it's probably the best thing to happen to both of you.

You met young, these things usually don't last.

Grief, recover, move on. In that order.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
You are acting/reacting in a panic. Calm down - as hard as it may seem to do so, being calm and reflective is a smart thing to do. I agree that now is a good time to re-evaluate yourself, your bf, and your relationship.

If it is possible, move out for a week or so. Be reflective. You have a whole lifetime ahead. The fact you two haven't married is somewhat telling of how your relationship has gone. Stay off the booze if you've been so inclined.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thanks for the responses!

I know that time away can help, its been a week since hes slept at home. I'm just worried that with him being gone it will seem easier to get over me than to get over the pain ive caused, if that makes any sense.

we aren't legally married, but the reasons where mostly financial.. holding off for that perfect wedding and honeymoon. hes always worn a ring and in the months before this happened, hes mentioned a few times that just going to city hall and making it official would be enough. we were also setting goals to start having children in the next couple years.

in the last week all i have done is reflect, i see so many things ive done wrong, so many things i want to do differently, but he is convinced if he lets me back in i would eventually go back to my old ways, but i cant prove to him that i can be better, if hes not around to see the changes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
were both 26.. i know we were very young, and thats part of the problem. He told me he knows who we are, but he doesn't know who he is. he admitted that i never stopped him from having his own life outside of the relationship, and that he chose to focus on us.

now that hes trying to figure out who is as an individual, he said that he is worried if we get back together now, and something happens in 10 or 20 years.. it will be even harder to figure out.

its very likely that he will leave for good, and i know people move on everyday, but now that i can see everything so clearly, ill forever have regret and guilt and part of me will always be waiting for him to come back.

I love him so much, i feel compelled to fight for him, to earn his trust and love back, i just dont know how to do it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
26 Posts
thanks for the responses!

I'm just worried that with him being gone it will seem easier to get over me than to get over the pain ive caused, if that makes any sense.
This is misconception about men. The more you are away from him and don't contact him, the more he'll think about you. DO NOT contact him. Stay in your self-care bubble. Do what you must but keep to yourself and take care of yourself and eventually start taking steps to your future without him. You'll be better off if and when he does come back around - again don't count on this scenario - but get more grounded in your life.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
26 Posts
in the last week all i have done is reflect, i see so many things ive done wrong, so many things i want to do differently, but he is convinced if he lets me back in i would eventually go back to my old ways, but i cant prove to him that i can be better, if hes not around to see the changes.
Cultivate being a woman of mystery. Seriously. Eventually he may get curious about you. But I promise you are not going to be able to talk this kind of "sense" into him. It may make "logical" sense to you, but if you approach him, you'll blow it. Let him approach. He's the one that has to muster up the trust to do that. It is impossible for you to talk him into it. He has to decide. Let him be the man. If he doesn't come back treat it as a life lesson and move on, forgiving yourself completely.

And let him do all the discovering of himself that he wants to do. You wouldn't want him coming back before he feels satisfied with a self-understanding. You don't want half of a person. But don't put your life on hold either. Start making yourself whole without him too. Give yourself a reasonable time table about when you will start to move on, when you will start to make your life plans without him. Start brainstorming in your head about them now and also start mingling with others. Just do stuff and circulate and find other things that hold your attention if only for a little bit. You must do this for yourself to help the time pass but also gradually let him go. That's what he wants and you love him right? Love him in this way and you will love yourself more too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
94 Posts
You come across as being much too dependant on him, and also a helpless romantic ;)

It may seem like the end of the world to you now, if you breakup...but things generally turn out for the best!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
490 Posts
There is very big world out there for you to see. A lot of interesting people to meet and talk to. Maybe you could find new work and help people on the weekends. Just thoughts from an old man. David
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,253 Posts
This is misconception about men. The more you are away from him and don't contact him, the more he'll think about you. DO NOT contact him.
That is fine if he doesn't/hasn't met anyone else in the mean time. There are some red flags here. OP is so focused on what she has done that she is not seeing that the distance and the staying away from home could mean that he is seeing someone else.
 
  • Like
Reactions: alte Dame

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
26 Posts
That is fine if he doesn't/hasn't met anyone else in the mean time. There are some red flags here. OP is so focused on what she has done that she is not seeing that the distance and the staying away from home could mean that he is seeing someone else.
I understand, but does she really have control over his choices?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,807 Posts
I'm sure you know this but I just want to remind you. You can only control YOU --- not him. So, as difficult as I know it is, let him have space. And work on yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
589 Posts
You are minimizing your affair, you call it an emotional affair - your boyfriend caught you having phone sex. The affair went on for 2 years, that's not just a bad decision - that's 2 years of living a lie, for 2 years you chose another guy - that's a lot for a guy to handle. And given that you have been checked out of the relationship for a very long time, he is probably questioning your entire history together.

I understand that you were hurt when as teenagers he broke up with you, but that's what teenagers do - and you punished him for years by being emotionally unavailable. You need to consider that separating may be the healthiest thing for both of you. Work on yourself, heal, seek counseling. Let him go. Maybe he can work through it, and maybe he's just done. It's his choice now.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
You had a 2 year affair, I love you's were exchanged and he caught you having phone sex!

And you've been talking about having kids with him.

How can he know that you I love yous to the OM are lies but the ones you give him are true? He can't except through actions. Trouble is the phone sex is a clear action and it strongly confirms to him that you meant what you said other wise you would not be having sex with the
OM.

Btw, phone sex is sex, so you are beyond simple EA territory.

I think the only way you have any chance is to demonstrate through actions that he can trust you.

1. Go offline, no games, no social media. You can have an email account to which you give him the password.
2. Have him put a key logger on the pc so he can verify you aren't sneaking off to have cyber sex.
3. Be the perfect loyal partner, make sure he knows he is your one and only priority.

Wait and hope he starts to believe you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,781 Posts
I would like to mention that staying away and out of his hair might be advisable if you hadn't cheated. Since you did cheat, this is not usually what men want. If you read here and ask the BHs what they expect to experience from their WSs, very many of them will tell you that silence indicates lack of remorse or interest to them.

That being said, your relationship started in great immaturity and you don't really know anything else. Neither does he. I also suspect that he has found another woman. You may need to start wrapping your mind around the prospect of a future without him, however hard that is.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
26 Posts
I would like to mention that staying away and out of his hair might be advisable if you hadn't cheated. Since you did cheat, this is not usually what men want. If you read here and ask the BHs what they expect to experience from their WSs, very many of them will tell you that silence indicates lack of remorse or interest to them.
Interesting. I thought she'd already pursued it and tried to convince him and he wanted none of it. I wouldn't have thought the betraying spouse wanted to be bothered more. Maybe the other measures, such as those mentioned above to "prove" her faithfulness and devotion make sense in certain situations.
 
1 - 20 of 55 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top