I'm 22, he's 25. We've known each other for about 2 years, been together for a year and a half, and lived together for almost a year. He fell in love with me almost immediately after we started dating, and I fell in love with him a few months later. Our relationship was flawless for the first 6 months, then after that, little by little, things started getting bumpier.
We're just past the 1 year mark and in the last 2 weeks we've been going through some very tough times. We'd never slept apart since we moved in together, but last Sunday night I was too hurt and angry to let him sleep in my bed with me, and the night after that I did let him sleep in my bed, but realized I was uncomfortable with the idea after he had fallen asleep. And now tonite he is sleeping in his room again, because I was too angry to let him sleep in my room with me.
The first major incident occurred last week on Saturday (Oct 6th). My boyfriend told me that I wasn't "family." More specifically, he told me that I was not as "family" as his best friend, whom he has known since before highschool. But then later he proceeded to explain to me that I didn't meet his definition of family at all--"yet." Like I had to earn it or something.
I took this news pretty bad. I thought I'd been with him long enough, that we shared such a deep and strong love, and that we were so close that he thought of me as family. To hear that I was not considered "family" to him meant--in my eyes--that he devalued my contribution to the relationship, and took our relationship, my feelings for him, and so forth, less seriously than I did, and less seriously than he should be taking them.
He explained that his definition of "family" includes a longer history with someone. And apparently we haven't been together long enough for him to think of me as family.
I had thought of him as family, however, starting a few months ago. I was hurt so deeply and badly by this; I felt rejected, abandoned, and taken advantage of. I told him later that I felt he didn't deserve me--that I felt like he devalued my contributions and my feelings. I told him, through tears, that he was the man I loved, the first man I had been with intimately, and the man I wanted to share my life with and have children with--and then to be informed of this, was absolutely ridiculous; insane! I felt like our relationship was now "unsealed" and "informal" again.
I told him things would change; that he didn't deserve me; that I wouldn't try so hard to be a great girlfriend. For a few days I didn't even try; I pretty much ignored him. I think it was on Thursday that we "reconciled," and things went back to normal...almost.
Then today there was another incident. I have several sources of stress in my life right now that a health professional recently told me could cause depression. And I guess its been building up. I was doing Engineering homework and was struggling with a few very difficult problems, and couldn't solve them. His brother wanted to go out to eat. So I reluctantly agreed; my boyfriend thought it would help my mood. He then asked if his friend could come along too; I'm not very fond of his friend. I told my boyfriend that I was in a very bad/angry mood and that I didn't like the friend. Well, apparently that didn't get the message through. As I was halfway down the street towards the car, this friend jogs up behind us and I realized that he had been invited to come along. At that moment I became furious; I felt like my boyfriend was pulling a passive-aggressive move, that he was disregarding my feelings, or just being negligent.
Often times I feel that he is negligent or incompetent with my feelings.
Needless to say, the rest of the evening did not go well. And this brings us to now. I am realizing that I am getting less content with him, and that he keeps disappointing me. I would like him to be more aggressive, and to know what to do and how to act when there are problems.
I don't know, I don't know how to fix this. I wish I was happy again the way I was 6 months ago. I wish he considered me "family." There is no way this man is going to put up some kind of standard for me to meet to qualify for his "definition" of "family." Especially not when he has told me how unique of a girlfriend I am; that I'm different from most women, and that he loves me more than he loved any of his past girlfriends. I believe I deserve better than that--for me to have given my everything to him, my whole self and being to him, and then for him to hold back this part--how dare he!
Sorry this was so long. I guess I am hoping for some analysis here of my relationship so that someone can shed some light on something and bring out a new perspective I didn't see before.
We're just past the 1 year mark and in the last 2 weeks we've been going through some very tough times. We'd never slept apart since we moved in together, but last Sunday night I was too hurt and angry to let him sleep in my bed with me, and the night after that I did let him sleep in my bed, but realized I was uncomfortable with the idea after he had fallen asleep. And now tonite he is sleeping in his room again, because I was too angry to let him sleep in my room with me.
The first major incident occurred last week on Saturday (Oct 6th). My boyfriend told me that I wasn't "family." More specifically, he told me that I was not as "family" as his best friend, whom he has known since before highschool. But then later he proceeded to explain to me that I didn't meet his definition of family at all--"yet." Like I had to earn it or something.
I took this news pretty bad. I thought I'd been with him long enough, that we shared such a deep and strong love, and that we were so close that he thought of me as family. To hear that I was not considered "family" to him meant--in my eyes--that he devalued my contribution to the relationship, and took our relationship, my feelings for him, and so forth, less seriously than I did, and less seriously than he should be taking them.
He explained that his definition of "family" includes a longer history with someone. And apparently we haven't been together long enough for him to think of me as family.
I had thought of him as family, however, starting a few months ago. I was hurt so deeply and badly by this; I felt rejected, abandoned, and taken advantage of. I told him later that I felt he didn't deserve me--that I felt like he devalued my contributions and my feelings. I told him, through tears, that he was the man I loved, the first man I had been with intimately, and the man I wanted to share my life with and have children with--and then to be informed of this, was absolutely ridiculous; insane! I felt like our relationship was now "unsealed" and "informal" again.
I told him things would change; that he didn't deserve me; that I wouldn't try so hard to be a great girlfriend. For a few days I didn't even try; I pretty much ignored him. I think it was on Thursday that we "reconciled," and things went back to normal...almost.
Then today there was another incident. I have several sources of stress in my life right now that a health professional recently told me could cause depression. And I guess its been building up. I was doing Engineering homework and was struggling with a few very difficult problems, and couldn't solve them. His brother wanted to go out to eat. So I reluctantly agreed; my boyfriend thought it would help my mood. He then asked if his friend could come along too; I'm not very fond of his friend. I told my boyfriend that I was in a very bad/angry mood and that I didn't like the friend. Well, apparently that didn't get the message through. As I was halfway down the street towards the car, this friend jogs up behind us and I realized that he had been invited to come along. At that moment I became furious; I felt like my boyfriend was pulling a passive-aggressive move, that he was disregarding my feelings, or just being negligent.
Often times I feel that he is negligent or incompetent with my feelings.
Needless to say, the rest of the evening did not go well. And this brings us to now. I am realizing that I am getting less content with him, and that he keeps disappointing me. I would like him to be more aggressive, and to know what to do and how to act when there are problems.
I don't know, I don't know how to fix this. I wish I was happy again the way I was 6 months ago. I wish he considered me "family." There is no way this man is going to put up some kind of standard for me to meet to qualify for his "definition" of "family." Especially not when he has told me how unique of a girlfriend I am; that I'm different from most women, and that he loves me more than he loved any of his past girlfriends. I believe I deserve better than that--for me to have given my everything to him, my whole self and being to him, and then for him to hold back this part--how dare he!
Sorry this was so long. I guess I am hoping for some analysis here of my relationship so that someone can shed some light on something and bring out a new perspective I didn't see before.