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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. Everything was great in the beginning; intimacy and physical affection every day or at least every week. Lately, he does not want sex or any physical attention, he also does not want to give it either. He's actually a little pushed off at the thought of it sometimes. We will go a month without having sex, though we find each other physically attractive. We are still perfect on an emotional level, never fight or have trouble talking about our problems. We are trying to seek help wherever we can find it before we go to a counselor because money is kind of an issue. We've looked into apathy and it sounds kind of like our situation, but we don't know how to fix things. We don't know what caused him to feel this way and don't know where to go now. If anyone could give me some insight we'd greatly appreciate it.
 

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My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. Everything was great in the beginning; intimacy and physical affection every day or at least every week. Lately, he does not want sex or any physical attention, he also does not want to give it either. He's actually a little pushed off at the thought of it sometimes. We will go a month without having sex, though we find each other physically attractive. We are still perfect on an emotional level, never fight or have trouble talking about our problems. We are trying to seek help wherever we can find it before we go to a counselor because money is kind of an issue. We've looked into apathy and it sounds kind of like our situation, but we don't know how to fix things. We don't know what caused him to feel this way and don't know where to go now. If anyone could give me some insight we'd greatly appreciate it.

It is possible he may be interested in someone else, but at first, try talking to him. You stated that you two can still talk about your problems and everything. Talk to him and ask him what is wrong and why it seems as though you feel that he is not sexually attracted to you. He may be under stress from money problems, as you were saying, or if he works a high demand job, he could be under stress there too.
 

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Are you able to talk to him about this?

Is the apathy limited to sex and intense physical interaction or is it more general?

If its general could it be a sign of depression?

If it is just sex, do you know his relationship history? Is he the sort of person who loses interest in their partner after a while and moves on?

When you have sex is it good for both of you? Do you like the same things or is there tension from having different interests?
 

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Really?! Just give up so easily, huh? :rolleyes:
This is always the "Go to" answer to troubled TAM posters.

If you have no skin in the game, no pecuniary interests, no emotional attachment, no history with the posters spouse then "Dump Them" is easiest to write.

Sometimes it is very obvious that this is the proper answer.

In this instance?

Not yet. I recommend marriage counseling or the myriad of books that other TAMMERS here will soon recommend.

FWIW....I have been guilty of this rash advice on a few occasions.
 

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It's time to look for someone else. When you have to push a guy for intimacy, he's probably not interested anymore. You deserve someone who wants this as much as you do.
 

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Yeah, I don't frequently give this advice, but in this case, a very young relationship 1 yr, and all this trouble, it does not signify a good match as a couple.
Maybe they're not compatible but can we even determine that with the information that we have? It sounds like this has just recently started so maybe it's just a hiccup that can be worked through. I'm just so tired of the immediate "leave him/her" responses. Relationships are ****ING hard. If the advice to everyone would be to leave at the first sign of trouble, we'd all be alone.

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Are you able to talk to him about this?

Is the apathy limited to sex and intense physical interaction or is it more general?

If its general could it be a sign of depression?

If it is just sex, do you know his relationship history? Is he the sort of person who loses interest in their partner after a while and moves on?

When you have sex is it good for both of you? Do you like the same things or is there tension from having different interests?
We have both discussed this and this post is from both of us. It's limited to sex only. We live together and spend every day together. We are not just giving up. It just started, so it's something that's new to us. He's not interested in other women, we are very open about everything. He is under a high stress job and struggles with his body image so I don't know if that is part of it. We are still happy in our relationship, the only problem is the lack of interest in sex. To anyone that doesn't want to give advise and wants to tell us to just give up can go fine somewhere else to say those things too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Are you able to talk to him about this?

Is the apathy limited to sex and intense physical interaction or is it more general?

If its general could it be a sign of depression?

If it is just sex, do you know his relationship history? Is he the sort of person who loses interest in their partner after a while and moves on?

When you have sex is it good for both of you? Do you like the same things or is there tension from having different interests?
We know all each other's relationship sexual past, we enjoy all the same things. We've experimented with things we've never tried before. Everything was perfect and now it's just not there.
 

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Honestly, if I were you, I would turn around and walk out the door. If you guys have just been dating for a year, and already experiencing that, what does your future hold in store? You're lucky, you're not married. It's a helluva lot easier to walk away from someone you're dating than it is a spouse, and a lot cheaper too!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. Everything was great in the beginning; intimacy and physical affection every day or at least every week. Lately, he does not want sex or any physical attention, he also does not want to give it either. He's actually a little pushed off at the thought of it sometimes. We will go a month without having sex, though we find each other physically attractive. We are still perfect on an emotional level, never fight or have trouble talking about our problems. We are trying to seek help wherever we can find it before we go to a counselor because money is kind of an issue. We've looked into apathy and it sounds kind of like our situation, but we don't know how to fix things. We don't know what caused him to feel this way and don't know where to go now. If anyone could give me some insight we'd greatly appreciate it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Honestly, if I were you, I would turn around and walk out the door. If you guys have just been dating for a year, and already experiencing that, what does your future hold in store? You're lucky, you're not married. It's a helluva lot easier to walk away from someone you're dating than it is a spouse, and a lot cheaper too!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. Everything was great in the beginning; intimacy and physical affection every day or at least every week. Lately, he does not want sex or any physical attention, he also does not want to give it either. He's actually a little pushed off at the thought of it sometimes. We will go a month without having sex, though we find each other physically attractive. We are still perfect on an emotional level, never fight or have trouble talking about our problems. We are trying to seek help wherever we can find it before we go to a counselor because money is kind of an issue. We've looked into apathy and it sounds kind of like our situation, but we don't know how to fix things. We don't know what caused him to feel this way and don't know where to go now. If anyone could give me some insight we'd greatly appreciate it.
You don't just give up on someone you care about. If you're still happy, but having a bump in the road you fix it, not run away.
 

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These are my thoughts as well. Perhaps if you've invested a few years into this relationship, I'd have other advice, but this is very early on, and indicates lack of compatibility.

Yeah, I don't frequently give this advice, but in this case, a very young relationship 1 yr, and all this trouble, it does not signify a good match as a couple.
 

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You don't just give up on someone you care about. If you're still happy, but having a bump in the road you fix it, not run away.
sure you do, particularly when the relationship isn't working from his side. at the 1 yr mark you guys are still very heavy into the hormonal phases of bonding, you may discover quickly that you don't want this relationship if you leave for even a week. My advice, move out, go stay with someone family member for a week or 2, tell your SO that you are taking a break, see what he does, if he chases maybe it truly is apathy, if he doesn't, you have your answer.
 

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I absolutely get this Michaylah, and I agree with you, to a point. I married a man that I'm sexually incompatible with, hoping that things would change. They haven't, and we'll be celebrating 4 years of marriage this year. Unlike you guys, we can't talk about anything without a fight, so at least you guys have that going for you. I haven't given up yet, but am unhappy in many regards. Trouble is that we've been trying for 4 years to change things without luck, and I'm nearing the end of my rope, but divorce is expensive. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't marry him, but instead, find someone who I'm much more compatible with in more regards than our common interests. So, my advice to leave him isn't hasty; My life right now is what yours may very well be in a few years. However, if you're both 100% wanting to work on this and fix this very new relationship, I would suggest couples counselling for sure, and maybe a sex therapist for him. And, if this goes any further, definitely, definitely, definitely get a prenup so that neither of you are screwed over in the chance that a divorce should happen,

You don't just give up on someone you care about. If you're still happy, but having a bump in the road you fix it, not run away.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I appreciate you being honest with me and sharing your story. We are both very willing and hopeful in working things out. We are planning on going to counseling 100% but we wanted to get help from forums until we go.
I absolutely get this Michaylah, and I agree with you, to a point. I married a man that I'm sexually incompatible with, hoping that things would change. They haven't, and we'll be celebrating 4 years of marriage this year. Unlike you guys, we can't talk about anything without a fight, so at least you guys have that going for you. I haven't given up yet, but am unhappy in many regards. Trouble is that we've been trying for 4 years to change things without luck, and I'm nearing the end of my rope, but divorce is expensive. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't marry him, but instead, find someone who I'm much more compatible with in more regards than our common interests. So, my advice to leave him isn't hasty; My life right now is what yours may very well be in a few years. However, if you're both 100% wanting to work on this and fix this very new relationship, I would suggest couples counselling for sure, and maybe a sex therapist for him. And, if this goes any further, definitely, definitely, definitely get a prenup so that neither of you are screwed over in the chance that a divorce should happen,

You don't just give up on someone you care about. If you're still happy, but having a bump in the road you fix it, not run away.
 

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We have both discussed this and this post is from both of us. It's limited to sex only.
So, no disagreements at all between you two?
Any critical comments, perhaps said in a jovial manner?

We live together and spend every day together.
How many months were you dating before moving in together?
Do you try get out of the home and do fun stuff anymore?

He is under a high stress job and struggles with his body image so I don't know if that is part of it.
Sometimes stress can cause testosterone levels to be lowered and loss of sex drive, the body thing could possibly him not being able to maintain an erection?

Maybe try focusing on getting his mind off work stress and even sex for a while, just focus on having fun together, like you've just started dating again.
Plan fun activities perhaps outdoors to help soothe any stress levels.

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Absolutely no arguments lately. I mean we have had disagreements like normal couples but nothing extreme. Everything we feel we tell each other. We were dating for 8 or 9 months before we got an apartment together but we technically lived together before that with other people. It only seemed to start a couple months after we moved in together. It started off little and it's progressed, it's still not as bad but we want to stop it in its tracks right now.
I appreciate you being honest with me and sharing your story. We are both very willing and hopeful in working things out. We are planning on going to counseling 100% but we wanted to get help from forums until we go.
So, no disagreements at all between you two?
Any critical comments, perhaps said in a jovial manner?



How many months were you dating before moving in together?
Do you try get out of the home and do fun stuff anymore?



Sometimes stress can cause testosterone levels to be lowered and loss of sex drive, the body thing could possibly him not being able to maintain an erection?

Maybe try focusing on getting his mind off work stress and even sex for a while, just focus on having fun together, like you've just started dating again.
Plan fun activities perhaps outdoors to help soothe any stress levels.

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 
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