Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 46 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I started dating this guy about 6 months ago. We had a bit of a rocky start but managed to smooth things over. I've been living with him for about 2 months now. He constantly tells me he adores me, he loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to have children with me etc. He is extremely loving, affectionate, attentive, caring, devoted, driven etc. I am very much in love with him BUT he isn't physically attracted to me at all. He says he feels no chemistry with me. He's tried and he wants to but he cannot force himself to and he doesn't understand why. From his perspective I am perfect and he cannot think of anyone he would rather spend his life with but physically I am just not his type at all. He says if he can get over the lack of physical attraction and just love me for who I am as a person, why can't I accept it?

I just struggle with it so much. A bit of background history on me... I dealt with serious eating disorders when I was younger and then suffered through a severe health problem due to it and ended up on steroids and hormonal therapy which ended up causing me to gain about 100 lbs in 3 months and probably 50 more over time. I battled with this weight for about 6 years until I finally got rid of it. I am 30 years old, I wear a size 6/8, 5'6 140 lbs, I take martial arts classes daily, I go to the gym frequently and from most peoples perspective I am considered very attractive. I receive a tremendous amount of male attention and receive random compliments from strangers all the time. I have long, shapely, slender legs and a large bust. I also happen to have a large frame. I am naturally big boned and there is nothing I can do about that. Weight loss won't do me much good since my ribs and pelvic bone already stick out quite a bit. I have a rounder, fuller face and unfortunately I am also dealing with quite a bit of loose skin from the weight loss which needs to be surgically corrected. I have maintained this weight for over 2 years now, so it isnt like my weight is still fluctuating.

He, however has a thing for very tall, very thin women. All the women he's dated have been around 5'10 and 105 lbs. I mean anorexic looking women with tiny bone structures who are flat chested and extremely waifish. I am not tall and lanky and never will be. He also has a fondness for pale blonde or asian girls. I am an average height, curvy brunette.

I understand the skin bothers him but I told him that there is no way I am getting that corrected until after I have children and he agreed that I should wait but even with my clothes on, where most people think I am gorgeous, he doesn't find me attractive. I am simply not his type and there isn't much I can do to change that. I've had my hair permanently straightened (since he hates my naturally curly hair) and he said that's an improvement but the truth is, he has pretty much given up on finding me physically attractive. He tells me that he just adores me for who I am and its something I need to learn to live with.

He doesn't understand why its so difficult for me to accept that.
I am so in love with him, I don't find him to be particularly attractive but I guess it's different for me because I don't have a type. I just feel that chemistry and passion for him because I love him. No matter how much he claims to love me he says he just feels nothing. He never feels that attraction.

He discussed this issue with his friend who claims that he loves me but he isn't in love with me. He seems to agree with that assessment.

I try and tell myself that it isnt important. If he loves me and is committed to me and wants to stay with me, spend his life with me, be with me every waking moment, it should be enough but every now and then this issue just comes up and it makes me feel horrible and disgusting.

For so many years I struggled with the way I looked, I fought hard to lose the weight that I gained so that I could find someone who was attracted to me because I felt I needed that passion and now I find someone that I adore who claims to adore me but I know will never feel sparks when he sees me or kisses me and it just devastates me.

He tells me I am beautiful and I feel like he is being disingenuous so he tells me I am a beautiful person.

Am I so shallow? If looks and passion fades anyway and the most important things in a relationship are things like compatibility, conversational chemistry, similar goals, world views etc. then why should this bother me so much?

How do I get over this? Is this something I should accept/get over? Is this the wrong relationship for me/us?

I cannot use logical arguments to combat emotion no matter how hard I try. I am so lost.

I can see my life with him. I can see us having children and happy and successful. He does make me happy, I just really wished he was attracted to me.

I have met one of his ex girlfriends and I saw the way he looked at her. She looked like the best steak in the world to a man who was dying from starvation. He just wanted to devour her and he admitted to me that he still feels that way every time he sees her, he can't help it.

I know that he will never cheat on me or leave me if we do get married but...

I would greatly appreciate any clarity.

Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,446 Posts
There is nothing wrong with him not being physically/sexually attracted to you. It is possible to fall for the person, but not for the outer shell. I know because it happened to me once. You like who you like. The fact that he's not attracted to you doesn't mean you're unattractive; that is your obvious insecurity talking. It just means that he has a type, and you're not it.

What is wrong is the fact that you're even contemplating staying with him. I get the strong feeling that you're dealing with some deep self worth issues, and on some level find yourself lucky that this guy is willing to stick with you, despite his lack of attraction to you. A person with a healthy, strong esteem would have walked out the second their lover told them that they do not, and can not, find them sexually/physically attractive. The fact that you've stayed, and are even seeking advice about whether you're shallow, and should learn to accept this, speaks volumes not about him, but about you.

You're in the wrong relationship. You're degrading yourself every single day you stay. You have to set about exploring why you're willing, and able, to accept so little from him, and for yourself.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,908 Posts
Do you need an actual red flag waving in your face?

You've been dating for 6 months, and living together for 2. You're going way too fast. IMHO, of course.

Have you resolved the issues that caused your eating disorder?

And why do you think he'll never cheat on you when he looks at his girlfriend like she's steak and he hasn't eaten for a month?

Look through all the posts in the "Sex in Marriage" forum, and see what it's like to live in a marriage where your spouse doesn't find you attractive. Look in the "Coping With Infidelity" forum and read all the threads where someone believed that their spouse would never cheat on them.

How old is he, BTW? And how's your sex life now?

C
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
I'm sorry ahead of time to those who will disagree with what i'm saying here, but, I think you need to find someone else. That's just my two cents.

It seems like it would be only a matter of time before he decided he couldn't take anymore lack of physical attraction and either left you for someone more his type or cheated on you with someone more his type. He said he's hoping this issue will change and that is the WRONG WAY to enter a marriage together. Too many times, people jump into marriage thinking their issues will resolve over time, but they don't and they end up being divorced.

I know you say you love him and he loves you but you only have 6 months invested into this relationship, I wouldn't invest anymore than that. Find someone who accepts the whole package. Physical attraction actually *is* important, especially in the beginning. Sure over time the physical attraction may start to sort of fizzle but yours was never there from the get go. And the whole "love you but not in love with you thing"? At 6 months in? No. Please reevaluate this situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,523 Posts
Well since sex is important in a relationship, and I don't think I saw you mention sex in your OP, how is that? You say he isn't physically attracted to you so I'm assuming he struggles with sex? Or thats not a problem?

When I read the part about about how he wants to marry you anyway regardless of the physical part, a part of me thought that was nice, but at the same times, I couldn't help but see a future for you of you being like a mother to him, because he sees you as sweet, caring, attentive and taking care of kids, not in a sexual way. I just see it as a major problem in your marriage down the road, no matter what he says right now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
Why would you marry someone who doesn't want to jump your bones every minute of every hour in the beginning of your relationship?

roommates are easier to get rid of in the long run. Get one of those. I would never marry someone who didn't find me attractive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
There is nothing wrong with him not being physically/sexually attracted to you. It is possible to fall for the person, but not for the outer shell. I know because it happened to me once. You like who you like. The fact that he's not attracted to you doesn't mean you're unattractive; that is your obvious insecurity talking. It just means that he has a type, and you're not it.
If thats the case, why shouldn't one be involved in a relationship with someone that they fell for but not the outer shell?

What about people who genuinely are physically unattractive? Burn victims etc? Are their prospects of ever having a meaningful relationship doomed?

What is wrong is the fact that you're even contemplating staying with him. I get the strong feeling that you're dealing with some deep self worth issues, and on some level find yourself lucky that this guy is willing to stick with you, despite his lack of attraction to you.
I think that may be part of it. I have spent the last 2 years working on loving and accepting myself as I am and working on my self worth. As I've been dating, I had no shortage of men who wanted to date me and found me physically attractive but there were always other incompatibility issues. I guess what I am saying is at what point are you supposed to stop sacrificing the good for the great? If I want to find someone, get married and have children I don't have an unlimited amount of time. I don't know that I feel lucky that he is with me. I really don't have trouble finding other men that want to be in relationships with me, I am just particularly drawn to this one. I find him fascinating and brilliant and he pushes and encourages me in a way no one ever has before. I appreciate him so much.


A person with a healthy, strong esteem would have walked out the second their lover told them that they do not, and can not, find them sexually/physically attractive. The fact that you've stayed, and are even seeking advice about whether you're shallow, and should learn to accept this, speaks volumes not about him, but about you.
We are constantly being bombarded with mixed messages. A person should love you for who you are, not what you look like but then when you find someone who loves you for who you are and not what you look like, we end up feeling devastated because so much of our self worth is wrapped up in our appearance.

You're in the wrong relationship. You're degrading yourself every single day you stay. You have to set about exploring why you're willing, and able, to accept so little from him, and for yourself.
I guess what I am struggling with is am I really settling for too little? The guy loves me and desperately wants to make me happy. He loves coming home to me, spending time with me. He tells me he loves, adores and appreciates me 100 times a day. We get along so well on so many levels. The issue is more one of this insatiable sexual chemistry rather than no attraction at all. He claims he feels *warmly* towards me rather than crazy sparks. He says he would feel like he is being shallow if he looks for someone else because I am everything he has ever wanted and he doesnt want to lose me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
Yea, I would say you are settling for too little. Believe it or not, there is a good balance between loving inner and outer beauty and there is a man who will be attracted to both.

Sexual intimacy is usually fueled by how the people see each other. If sex is important to you, then I would say this isn't a good match.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Do you need an actual red flag waving in your face?

You've been dating for 6 months, and living together for 2. You're going way too fast. IMHO, of course.

Have you resolved the issues that caused your eating disorder?

And why do you think he'll never cheat on you when he looks at his girlfriend like she's steak and he hasn't eaten for a month?

Look through all the posts in the "Sex in Marriage" forum, and see what it's like to live in a marriage where your spouse doesn't find you attractive. Look in the "Coping With Infidelity" forum and read all the threads where someone believed that their spouse would never cheat on them.

How old is he, BTW? And how's your sex life now?

C
The eating disorder issues have been resolved and I have spent many years working on it but occasionally those feelings still crop up. I do, however, know how to identify and deal with them when they do.

I know he wont cheat on me because of the type of person he is. He has EXTREMELY strong views on marriage and commitment and is not the type of person who would default on his commitment. He has been this way his entire life about things and was married for 15 years in a difficult relationship where his spouse was cheating and eventually left him for passion and someone she was more attracted to. He would have remained with her and felt her betrayal and abandonment was unforgivable. Commitment is very important to him.

He is 35 and we have a great sex life. We are sexually intimate multiple times a day every day. He is extremely attentive to my sexual needs and enjoys giving me pleasure as I do him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
The sex life is good? Is it so, that you could never even tell he wasn't physically attracted to you?
We have sex multiple times a day. He is constantly kissing me, groping me in private and in public even when I have to chase him off me. I mean it isnt something that I think about every second of the day. Usually we are kissing or playing or teasing each other and loving it 99% of the time. Its that 1% that comes up every now and then when we get into a discussion and suddenly I am reminded of the fact that he isnt really attracted to me and then I get depressed and he gets upset and hates himself for not being able to force himself to feel that crazy passion that he wants to.

Its weird.


Edited to add:
It's not quite the way it was with this other guy I was dating. This other guy I was dating could just look at me and want me. He would look at me the way this guy looks at his ex. The other guy could see me and just tell me how incredibly beautiful I am and just want me in this deep visceral way that made me feel amazing. It made me feel like I could stop traffic and that he was the luckiest guy in the world to have someone like me. But I don't necessarily believe that the person you marry has to be the person you are most attracted to or have the best sex life in the world. I think there should be some kind of balance. Yes, I do miss and desire that very much but is looking at me like I am steak and wanting me desperately more important than someone that I feel this strong emotional connection to? Someone that I want to spend every second of my life with because we just enjoy each others company so much? Someone that goes out of their way to let me know how amazing they think I am every single day? I am sure he would love to put me in his ex girlfriends body too and being with a woman that hot and desired by a woman who looked like that made him feel amazing but he is willing to overlook it because he feels the most important thing in a relationship is who the person is, not what they look like.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,523 Posts
Its that 1% that comes up every now and then when we get into a discussion and suddenly I am reminded of the fact that he isnt really attracted to me and then I get depressed and he gets upset and hates himself for not being able to force himself to feel that crazy passion that he wants to.

Its weird.
And how does that 1% come up? And why would it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,446 Posts
If thats the case, why shouldn't one be involved in a relationship with someone that they fell for but not the outer shell?

What about people who genuinely are physically unattractive? Burn victims etc? Are their prospects of ever having a meaningful relationship doomed?
Burn victims who have severe physical deformities do, in fact, struggle very hard to find people willing to look past their disfigurement. It's sad, but there is a "doomed" quality to people who receive those kinds of injuries while single.

And there is no such thing as universal unattractiveness. There will always be someone for a person, no matter how "unattractive" you perceive them to be. Typically the people who are stamped largely as "unattractive" end up with others wearing that same stamp. Sometimes people are genuinely attracted, and sometimes they're settling for what they can get.

Regardless, none of this really fits your sitaution.



I really don't have trouble finding other men that want to be in relationships with me, I am just particularly drawn to this one. I find him fascinating and brilliant and he pushes and encourages me in a way no one ever has before. I appreciate him so much.
I get that; the heart wants what the heart wants. But the heart doesn't always want what's best.

Honestly, the way you describe your relationship, it feels less passionate love affair, and more intense friendship between two people who just love the other person a lot for who they are.

But there is a radical difference between loving somebody, even loving them intensely, and being passionately in love with them.

We are constantly being bombarded with mixed messages. A person should love you for who you are, not what you look like but then when you find someone who loves you for who you are and not what you look like, we end up feeling devastated because so much of our self worth is wrapped up in our appearance.
None of this matters. It's all theoritical blithering that's nice for debate, but has zero implications in the real world.

You have two questions that you need to answer, and answer honestly for yourself.

Are you truly willing, and capable, of being in a relationship and eventual marriage with a man who is not at all physically attracted to you? For all intents, and purposes, you are a man to your husband. He will always be looking at his "type" as a hungry man starving. And, like all starving people, eventually he will eat. Is that fine with you?

And the other question is about your boyfriend. How do you feel about the fact that he actually expects you to live without his physical attraction? What does that say about how he truly sees you if he thinks you should accept his lack of attraction to you?

That's the bottom line. If you can live with whatever answers you provide yourself to the above, than stay with him. If not, then don't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
980 Posts
You all have a great sex life, multiple times a day, you all play and tease each other, he loves you, adores, you, is attentive, tells you that you're beautiful, caring, devoted and the list goes on. So I'm not real sure what the problem is.:scratchhead: If he isn't physically attracted to you, it doesn't seem to really show IMO.

Also, I'm not gonna tell you that you shouldn't marry him, because I think regardless of what people here say, you're going to anyway. It doesn't matter if he looks at his ex like a steak and wants to devour her, after all he loves you, adores you, has sex with you multiple times a day. Also him looking at her or any woman like that will not change after marriage either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,446 Posts
He has been this way his entire life about things and was married for 15 years in a difficult relationship where his spouse was cheating and eventually left him for passion and someone she was more attracted to. He would have remained with her and felt her betrayal and abandonment was unforgivable. Commitment is very important to him.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Now this is all clear. For the life of me I couldn't pin down HIS motivations for being in this relationship, considering his total lack of attraction to you.

You are the safe choice. The antithesis of his ex-wife. He was burned by a woman on the back of passion, and attraction. You are the salve for that burning. He's desperate to stay with you because you represent the easy road of, in his mind, no pain.

He doesn't find you attractive, so he doesn't see your virility as a threat. He's not worried about the mistakes of his past being repeated as he does not look at you as the kind of woman who can even compete.

He will not give up on you easily because people fight hard for safe places. He's running away from passion, and attraction, and in his running away he ran into you.

He's into you because he was desperate, and hurt, and he needs you. You are his medicine. You are perfect for his pain.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
You've only been dating 6 months and living with him 2 months and already there are these issues? That is supposed to be the time when you think everything about your partner is perfect.

Your partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. Make you feel special in every sense. I was struck with how incredibly cruel it was to say what he said. I'm guessing he knows you have those issues and might be playing up those issues to make you feel inadequate. There are other woman more beautiful than my wife but I would NEVER point that out to her or make her feel less than any other woman when it comes to looks, intelligence or anything else. If she is insecure about something I try to tell her she is just as good and worthy as anyone else.

You need to decide for yourself if this is right or wrong. You seem like an attractive, loving person. You will eventually resent what he said and two things are likely to happen:
1. He will cheat with "his type" and use the excuse about you not being his type. He will say he told you that in the beginning. I believe as long as people have sexual organs, they are capable of cheating. Not that they will but they are capable. His own comments about attraction starts him off ten steps closer.
or
2. You will resent what he said and how he made you feel. Another guy will come along and will make you feel whole. If you are getting a lot of male attention, eventually someone else is going fire up ALL your cylinders.

Also, please try and do not let what he said make you feel any less as a person. Personally, I can't stand douche bags who go out of their way to chop someone down rather than build them up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
The way you describe your intimacy with him sounds like he *is* physically attracted to you.....

You're right, relationships aren't all about physical attraction but to some degree, physical attraction is usually present....you say he isn't physically attracted to you *at all*. That sounds like an issue that will keep resurfacing....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
208 Posts
I really feel for you, OP, and I think that you're doing a wonderful job at building up your own self worth. But it sounds a lot like you're still afraid. You seem to be afraid that if you don't nab THIS guy, gut-wrenching flaw, deep emotional connection and all, then that'll be it for you.

I've felt like that before, but instead of 'attraction' my ex was lacking in 'love'. He was kind, funny, generous, committed, but he never said he 'loved' me (not even after 6 years) and that made every argument about a zillion times worse because I would chant in my head 'he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me at all he will never ever love me'.

You can say on the surface that 'love' is a whole different beast than 'attraction' but to me, and the way you describe the absence of it from him ('maybe I can do without this ONE feeling forever'; that 1% of the time where you feel like dogpoop because of it), it really freaked me out how similar it sounds.

You've had guys who look at you and drool, but weren't compatible with you, and now you have a guy who you're compatible with but he doesn't drool all over you. But a BIG part of compatibility is attraction and looks. As shallow as it seems, it's practically written into (what little I know of) the psychology books. We eat with our eyes and we have sex with our eyes.

So I'm just here to tell you that whether or not you're with this guy, you WILL find someone who absolutely adores you, is compatible with you, and would run across burning hot coals just for a chance to even touch your amazing body, and you'll either be single when that happens or you'll already be married.
 
1 - 20 of 46 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top