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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, here's the back story.

My boyfriend and I met two years ago. I was a very different person then, emotionally weak and insecure.

We've been happy together for the most part for almost two years now, but we've led a chaotic life. I was raped three years ago and I'm still coping with it and he has an addiction problem that we didn't realize was addiction until a few months ago.

He has a porn problem and started watching it when I had friends over, every time I walked around the corner, he deleted his history. He even missed out on several of my performances (I'm a musician on my free time) because he wanted to stay home and watch porn. I'd also like to point out that we have an incredibly active sex life, multiple times a day.

However, he started watching it in his office at work, which happened to be a school and when I found out I went beserk because the night before we'd had a conversation about trust and honesty and how stupid it was for men to lie about porn if their in a relationship with someone that doesn't have a problem with it, and I don't, I never have. It was the lying that killed me and the fact that it was more important to get off to porn knowing how deeply it hurt me when he lied.

He started doing it at our place of work and finally we decided we needed to completely cut it out of our life for a while because he had trouble controlling the impulse. We had the fight five times this last year, me catching him, him crying and apologizing and it happening all over again.

Our life is stressful because we run/manage our own business but draw no income from it so we work all day every day for barely any money and our business is going under. We've been very poor and very stressed. Last year his so-called-best friend embezzled nearly ten thousand dollars from us so it's been impossible to competely recovering emotionally and financially.

Here is the part of the story that is hardest for me to share.

About a month ago I caught him yet again and it broke my heart once more because the last several times we cried and cried together and he swore it would be last the time. I confided in someone, his best friend, who advised me to give him one last chance because he felt that my boyfriend and I were meant to be together and he just needed help with his addiction and patience.

But that advice quickly changed. He started flirting with me, telling me how beautiful I was, and that he was grateful that he could love me as a friend even though he wished he could love me as more. My boyfriend and I started to fight more and more and the tension from what happened got worse and worse.

Suddenly the best friend changed his tune and promised me a better life and started telling me things about my boyfriend, that he witnessed him deleting things off the computer, running around with other women, treating me like property and taking me for granted. Ive been in abusive relationships before and was completely blind to it so I believed these lies because I was terrified of being manipulated again, but little did I know thats all the best friend was doing.

I was so insecure from what my boyfriend and I were going through and he came along professing undying affections and making me feel amazing. A week later I began to return the flirting and entertained the idea of a different life. He made me feel so good and had me convinced that my boyfriend had no love for me at all...I was so unbelievably stupid.

Two weeks in to this mess, the guy and I fooled around. No sex, but kissing and caressing on our couch.

The guilt began to kick in and I told the guy I needed to figure out my relationship with my boyfriend before we went any further because I still loved him so much and had been planning on asking him to marry me.

The guy freaked out and began sending me hateful texts and said he felt strung along and that I wanted him to be the other man. I told him again and again I didn't want him to be the other man and not to wait for me, that my heart belonged to someone else, but he guilted me back in everytime. Saying I deserved better and his heart and world were breaking around him and I got sucked back in. The guilt and confliction made it impossible for me to look my loving boyfriend in the eyes anymore and we split.

The guy spent most of the day with him, trying to convince him to go screw other women to get over me. He offered me a place to stay that night and swore we wouldn't do anything. But we did...He hid my phone from me and wouldn't allow me to talk to my boyfriend. and when I tried to sleep he started trying to get me to fool around. I felt defeated by the world and by the moment and betrayed. I gave in to the moment and we slept together and I cried for eight hours straight after, which made him furious.

The next day he took me home to pack when I confessed I made a terrible mistake and he started screaming and throwing things around our apartment.

That night my boyfriend and I got back together and it felt more right than ever before. We decided to clean the slate and begin anew, but I kept my infidelity a secret, so the slate wasn't truly clean at all.

The other guy and I talked alot the following week and he said he acted so badly because he was crushed but he loved me so much he would just be my friend and we talked all week long while he was out of town, and while he was gone, my boyfriend and I talked about everything in our lives (excluding my cheating) and healed old wounds, made plans, and then...he proposed. I said yes and we decided to get married. The next day my fiance asked the guy to be his best man, and he said yes...but then called me in private and asked me to give up everything and run away with him. I said no and told him I am devoted to the love of my and that I planned on telling him the truth. He begged me not to and swore to let it all go and we would never speak of it again, to each other or anyone else.

I knew it was wrong, but I agreed for the time being.

Not three days later I started getting mean messages from the guys best friend about how he intended to tell my fiance everything. I begged and pleaded that the other guy and his friend keep quiet because If my fiance was going to know the truth, it needed to come from me. I should also mention, the guys best friend was a guy I fooled around with once, and only once, before my relationship with my fiance and has harbored a grudge since.

All night long they threatened to 'tell on me' calling me a ***** and **** and that I was an evil b**ch and deserved to be alone forever.

So that night I took the love of my life to our room and confessed everything. I told him about my infidelity, the texts, the flirting, and the sex that happened the day we were broken up. I gave him every honest detail and he made a decision.

He agreed that his friend had taken advantage of our fighting and manipulated me. It was lies on top of lies and my heart was barely healing from the mess we were going through. He held me in his arms and cried all night long and forgave me and the next day texted the guy and told him to stay out of his life, and then his phone was bombarded with nasty message after nasty message, going into explicit details about what was said and done claiming he was trying to save him from making a terrible mistake by marrying me. His desperate attempts to make him hate me failed, but they still hurt both of us so much.

He said, "How can you marry that little ****? She was more than willing. You shouldn't hate me, you should hate the *****" Finally we attempted to block his texts, but I'm still not completely sure it worked. I then got bombarded with texts saying "Glad you told him everything he wanted to hear, your marriage is doomed! Have fun going about life under his arm, because he doesn't love you and I would have but you made the worst mistake of your life".

Now I feel completely broken down because I hate myself more than words can ever describe. I can make excuses for myself all day but the bottom line is I lied and broke the heart of the most important person in my life.

It's only been two days since all this mess and already he looks at me with love in his eyes again, and he doesn't bring it up in a hateful way. But I have a feeling this isn't over. I'm scared the guy is going to try something else, like show him all of our texts and even though I confessed it all I think seeing it would hurt him to a point of no return. He is trying to sabotage what we have.

In only three weeks my entire life got flipped upside down because I was weak and stupid and willing to hurt my soul-mate. I haven't slept since it all started happening, I don't eat much, and I broke down in panic attacks all too frequently. The guilt from my mistake kills me and I can't make it go away. The reminders are everywhere and I'm terrified of getting comfortable and both of us healing only for the other guy to come along and try to wreck it all again.

I'm scared. I have everything to lose and I have offered everything to my fiance. I will never do it again and I know that with every fiber of my being. I want to be his wife. I told him he has all the time he needs to heal and I won't rush or push him.

But I know I have to heal too if we're ever going to be okay. I feel so happy every moment spent with him, but every moment apart I'm in a paralyzing state of fear that I'll lose him and that I can never redeem myself.

I am completely broken and need to find a way to deserve him again. I am broken. Completely. And this remorse is the greatest pain I have ever experienced.
 

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If you want to stay with him, to start, you need to be completely honest with him about everything in your life from now on. Give him total access to everything you have and tell him it's all his for as long as he needs.

I also suggest you both go speak to a relationship counselor. It sounds to me like you both have alot of other issues that need to be worked through in addition to the ones you both are stacking on top of the pile.

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you. I agree. He is the love of my life and I would do anything for him, including both of us getting help.

I just wonder if I will ever really deserve him now. I can't believe I had an affair and I know I deserve to see him in pain. I'm so stuck.
 

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You were manipulated by him. As sadandtired suggested, you need to go see a counselor. Your fiance has his issues as well. I am sure that he feels that he drove you into the arms of the other man by watching porn. You can get past this. With humility and contrition on both your parts, you could put this behind you. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
My boyfriend and I are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. We are married and very much in love. The porn issue is no longer a problem and we've delved into a whole new world of honesty.

However there is just one problem left, the man I cheated with is part of a huge group of friends we are now astranged from and many of our current friends are still close with those people.

I have a history without a lot of the men in this group, brief histories from years ago, past boyfriends and dates gone bad and we've become the joke they tell. I can't let go or stop hating myself.


I love my husband with all my heart but I can't love myself right now, nightmares, reminders and knowing what a hot topic i am to these people is driving me insane...

I hear of people talking about it often, and I know I have no right to dispute the things said about me. He says he has moved on and I know he has, as much as can for the time being anyway, but here i am.
 

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Remember this from your wedding vows "Forsaking all others" and "what God has brought together, let no man put asunder". This is seriously a time that you should both use for bonding with each other, and not giving a damn what these "friends" say. Right now, you be each others best friend. My wife and I have been married for 31 years. And in truth, friends have come and gone. I would suggest that you search out other married couples for friendships as you want to be around people who believe in the same things you do. We all have a stake in each other marriages. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Remember this from your wedding vows "Forsaking all others" and "what God has brought together, let no man put asunder". This is seriously a time that you should both use for bonding with each other, and not giving a damn what these "friends" say. Right now, you be each others best friend. My wife and I have been married for 31 years. And in truth, friends have come and gone. I would suggest that you search out other married couples for friendships as you want to be around people who believe in the same things you do. We all have a stake in each other marriages. Good luck.

Thank you so much. Exactly what I needed to hear.
 
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