My big problem...

Oh my gosh temptation central here.

This woman at work, I cannot figure out what the heck is going on. I don’t know if I’m coming or going when I’m around her. She started working here a few years after me. She’s beautiful, nice, funny and I find her extremely attractive.

We got to being friends. We had her family over for dinner with mine and vice versa. Kids and birthday parties and that stuff.

We work semi-close and over time she would start with the light touch on the arm or shoulder when she would walk up to my desk or the laugh and reach out and touch my arm thing. I figured that’s just who she was. There are people who are just “touchers”. I don’t mind. I like being touched. That’s just me. Whatever.

Then she started with the winking. She would walk by with her big beautiful smile and wink at me. Sometimes she would stick out her tongue. It (from my opinion) was complete flirting. I let this go on for a while. I was into her. I didn’t want it to stop because… you know… she’s… well… into me. I’m mid-thirties, she’s lower-thirties.

She would confide in me. I would give her the best advice I could. I told her she should stay with her husband and work things out. I gave her books that my wife and I had read about strong marriages. All that time I am sitting there, pining after her thinking of her all the time. Each day at work would be an email thread that would take between 5-10 pages if it were printed. We would chit chat all day. If I didn’t e-mail her by 8:30 I would get one asking how I am and it would start a whole new conversation for that day. If I called in sick I would get an e-mail asking how I am doing. If I was having a bad day I would get an e-mail of something funny she found on facebook. We really had an office relationship.

She wanted me to read a book with her so she gave me an extra kindle they had laying around. Then one Sunday morning she said she really needed it back. Her husband didn’t know I let her borrow it and she needed it back. So I drove to her house and dropped it off. That was tough. I don’t know what her intentions were, but when I got there she was in tights with a tight top, had her hair in pigtails, had clearly just cleaned herself up and was wearing a hat she knew I would like and made a point to point that out. Oh my gosh I wanted her soo bad. The following Wednesday she asked me to drive her to lunch. So I did and we were making small talk. I brought up Sunday and I look over at her and she was completely blushing.

After that I sent her an e-mail saying that I think that we needed to set boundaries. I love the living **** out of my wife. I had been doing a lot of stuff behind her back though. I asked her what boundaries she thought we would need to set and what she thought of the idea. She said she didn’t think we needed them.

A few months later (after more of the same), the Friday before some holiday that most of the company had taken off, she was filling in for the receptionist and sent me an e-mail asking me to come and sit with her. I sat with her for three hours. She told me how disappointed she was with her life, how jealous she was of her sister. How much she missed her mom and pretty much completely unloaded. She said she felt fat and ugly since her two c-sections. Her husband had pointed out how she wasn’t the nimble, spry cheerleader with the tight butt that she used to be. I told her that I didn’t know her then, but I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had seen. I talked to her about her jealousy problem and all of the things that had bothered her.

I tried to make her feel better about herself. Inside I was a complete torrent of conflict. I wanted to be the best friend I could and not cross the line. Where was the line though? I am a guy. I don’t speak woman. Do we not need boundaries because she trusts me? Do we not need boundaries because she wants me? I know I wanted her. I wanted to be there for her and I don’t know… I wanted to move the relationship. I wanted her to feel loved and I really loved her. I didn’t have the courage/stupidity to tell her right there. I thought I could at least show her. Thankfully I didn’t actually do anything. I said a bunch of stuff, but nothing too crazy.

Untill I got home. I thought about her all the way home. I got there and typed up a really nice e-mail in which I told her I love her. I apologized for it. I said I know it was completely inappropriate. I told her our friendship meant a lot to me. Blah blah blah. I figure dI would get a hate mail about what a sleaze I am or something, but she just sent back “Thank you” and pretty much that’s it.

I felt like an idiot (because I am). The next workday I brought her some paperwork. When I walked up she was typing an e-mail and when I nosed around, like I always do (it’s a bad habit) I saw it was to another friend saying she thinks she stepped on a landmine.

There were no more chatty e-mails. I asked what was wrong (to try to get her to tell me) and she said she really needed to focus on her work and stop messing around. Her boss had said something and she needed to buckle down.

I had made things too serious I guess.

Well, I have a therapist. I have PTSD and I told him about all of this. He had been telling me to stop talking to her for a while. So I finally did. I used that opening to get out. I stopped e-mailing her altogether. I made work related conversations as short and concise as possible without being rude. I didn’t stick around while she did paperwork. I didn’t look up anymore when I saw her out of my peripheral vision. After the first few weeks I stopped thinking about her.

6 days after I stopped talking to her I got a random e-mail from a made up e-mail account telling me to stop talking to her and she’s not who I think she is, she’s manipulative and spiteful and in that was a forwarded Yahoo IM conversation between her and another person about an affair he had on her husband and inviting her to go back home to have a mini-orgy with the man she had cheated with and another husband/wife couple.

Seriously… I wasn’t surprised a bit. I actually think I chuckled. I didn’t reply to the e-mail. I just kind of dropped the whole thing.

I had already stopped talking to her, like completely. That lasted about two months before she sent me an e-mail saying that she knows I hate her and that while it seems selfish she asked me to pray for her because her brother was going to Afghanistan. I told her I don’t hate her but I embarrassed and ashamed for the things I said to her. I apologized for ruining our friendship and making things weird. Since then there have been 1 or 2 e-mails a week that get sent back and forth.

Here comes the worst part…

I don’t want to be friends with her anymore but I do. There are feelings still. It’s been that way for a while.

I really wish I had told her to “f” off when she sent me an e-mail. I was doing sooooo good. I am part heart broken. I don’t know what I should have expected. She’s someone else’s wife and I’m someone else’s husband. I don’t want my family to do things with her family. Thankfully right before this happened all kids birthdays had finished for the year. My kids haven’t seen hers for a while and hopefully come next birthday they will not ask for them to come.

Please feel free to tell me what a moron I am. I don’t have a lot of pride left.

I do feel better for getting all this down though. I know this may not be the best read right now. Sorry about the wall of text. There is a lot that I didn’t say. No, I never had any form of sexual contact with her.