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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Not only contact her, but "out" her to her entire FB contact list.....I have tried to convince her that this will not bring her dad back, but she is out for revenge on my behalf. She says even though she hates her dad for what he has done to the family, OW had a part in it too. After OW contacted me, I responded with an email stating that I know she is not entirely to blame, as he prob lied to her, but I then explained that we were in MC (Aug-Sept) and I was not giving up. I told her that during the time they were EA Feb-July I He never let on that we were in trouble, PA began in Sept. At that time I asked her to back off.

Daughter is pissed now that he has moved out and wants to make sure he and she end affair.

Any thoughts on this?
I know I can't control D18 (part of me would love for OW to be shamed as much as my H) But I have asked her not to.
 
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Not only contact her, but "out" her to her entire FB contact list.....I have tried to convince her that this will not bring her dad back, but she is out for revenge on my behalf. She says even though she hates her dad for what he has done to the family, OW had a part in it too. After OW contacted me, I responded with an email stating that I know she is not entirely to blame, as he prob lied to her, but I then explained that we were in MC (Aug-Sept) and I was not giving up. I told her that during the time they were EA Feb-July I He never let on that we were in trouble, PA began in Sept. At that time I asked her to back off.

Daughter is pissed now that he has moved out and wants to make sure he and she end affair.

Any thoughts on this?
I know I can't control D18 (part of me would love for OW to be shamed as much as my H) But I have asked her not to.
Actually, exposure is highly encouraged. Affairs thrive in the dark, but when exposed to the light of day and stripped bare of the fantasy, it's recognized for the sleaze that it truly is.

MelodyLane said:
[size:14pt]Exposure 101 [/size]

Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?

Dr. Bill Harley said:
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery.[color:#FF0000] In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery.[/color] It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
Dr Bill Harley said:
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip

Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.

Exposure Timing
Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

Exposure Tactics

Spouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.

Parents, close family, friends – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.

The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" :)

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???” When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my WS” even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!
MelodyLane said:
FB exposure letters to OP's contacts

Should be done to the OP’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children.

Dear friend of JoeScumbag:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

***********************


Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

_________________________
 

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To what end. Would you consider getting back with a man who failed to stay true to his promise? My guess is no. Your daughter is hoping that he'll come back once she does this.

Its only natural that your daughter feels betrayed but if I were you I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that it was not her problem and that the only thing she should be concentrating on is her studies and to be the best, just to prove to herself, her dad and anyone else that a focused mind can overcome any adversity.

But you can post the both of them on cheatersville or a similar website if it helps you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I am trying to discourage her.....explaining to her that this will not bring him back, he may just find someone else. And she is NOT married.
 

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Then her fault is very small.
What will attack on single women do?You can expect OW to return fire by calling you horrible wife and all sort of crap he probably told her about you.

Exposures are usually when OW/OM are married.
 

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Look, to be honest, you should be the one doing the exposing. Are you a doormat? Do people generally walk all over you without consequences? Do you have no self respect? Don't you get angry when people walk all over what you believe is sacred?

I hope what I just wrote gets you angry, because honestly, like most codependents,enablers and selfhaters out there, you are suppressing your anger due to autophobia.
 

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She's an adult. All you can do is express your opinion, tell her you will support whatever decision she makes then let it go. Sometimes with kids even grown kids the more you try to discourage the more they will want to do what they want. If you give her the freedom to make her own choice she 'might' do the right thing but again it's not up to you to decide.
 

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Not only contact her, but "out" her to her entire FB contact list.....I have tried to convince her that this will not bring her dad back, but she is out for revenge on my behalf. She says even though she hates her dad for what he has done to the family, OW had a part in it too. After OW contacted me, I responded with an email stating that I know she is not entirely to blame, as he prob lied to her, but I then explained that we were in MC (Aug-Sept) and I was not giving up. I told her that during the time they were EA Feb-July I He never let on that we were in trouble, PA began in Sept. At that time I asked her to back off.

Daughter is pissed now that he has moved out and wants to make sure he and she end affair.

Any thoughts on this?
I know I can't control D18 (part of me would love for OW to be shamed as much as my H) But I have asked her not to.
I am not going to read the other responses intentionally so I won't be influenced.

I say, why not?

Her father, and the OW, have conspired to betray the family and why shouldn't she have her say? Why shouldn't she add some shame and exposure? People should hear what has happened and how it has effected her.

I have no problems with this at all.
 

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Let your daughter do it. She's thinking more clearly about this than you right now because she's got the endgame in sight while you're overwhelmed by the emotional weight of the affair. Exposure kills affairs sometimes. Even if exposing doesn't end the affair or bring her dad back, she will feel better having told the truth instead of hiding it like an accomplice.

Why do you want to protect your WH and the OW? You can't nice him back, but you can shine some light on the situation to make everyone think more clearly.

I'd say that you should let your daughter have your back in this and let her expose without your objection.
 
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Has your daughter talked to your husband about it?She should talk to him and let him know what she thinks and how she feels.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I am in no way trying to protect my H or OW. I just don't want her to have to deal with any anger regarding the outing. She is not his bio daughter, even though he raised her since she was 1. They have had a rough few years getting along, and when he came to me in July and told me about his changed feeling she did talk to him and he told her "you wouldn't understand"
 
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18 year old daughters are tricky beasties, I speak from experience. My own beastie wanted to do damage to my ex for what he did (and she didn't know the half of it and still doesn't) but I didn't want to drag her into it. In you case, I imagine she thinks this will help to bring her dad back. That won't happen but she doesn't know that.

How to prevent her from doing this? She's 18 and she will tell you she is an adult and can do as she pleases. I would go the route of agreeing with her, that she is an adult but ask her to consider if the boot were on the other foot. If she had been cheated on by some lad she was involved with, would she be happy that her mum had gone in, guns blazing to show him up? Nope, she'd hate it. Ask her to do you the same favour.

It's rough for them I know but all kids eventually learn that their parents are fallible. If there is any exposure to be done - you should be the one to do it but I fear with a single OW, it's pointless.
 

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If she wants to do it why are you interfering? Maybe it will make her feel better, maybe not. Will she face anger and attacks due to the exposure? Maybe. But won't that be a good experience for her in the long run? She is going to have relationships in the future. Shouldn't she see how different things can affect those relationships? I would tell her that why you didn't expose but tell her the choice is completely up to her. Tell her your concerns but let her make an adult choice.
 

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I agree that you should be the one exposing them.

There is plenty of good reasons to expose a single woman who is having an affair with your husband. Hopefully she will have to deal with her choice to help distory a family in explaining why she thinks this is ok. Hopefully others will encourage her to end the affair.

She's hardly an innocent participant.

Why haven't you exposed the affair?

I also agree that just tell your daughter that what she does is up to her. Your telling her this might get her to drop it. The more you tell her no, the more she will want to do it. But.. if she does expose them.. well, usually children freel powerless in these types of situations. It might make her feel stronger. She got to tell a lot of people how she feels. If what they are doing is so wonderful, then they should be proud of whatever your daughter tells poeple... right?

And by the say, if he has raised her since she was 1 yr old, he's her dad.
 

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I also agree that just tell your daughter that what she does is up to her. Your telling her this might get her to drop it. The more you tell her no, the more she will want to do it. But.. if she does expose them.. well, usually children freel powerless in these types of situations. It might make her feel stronger. She got to tell a lot of people how she feels. .
:iagree:
 

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I would never want my daughters blabbing ANYTHING about me or my business on Facebook...but I don't really like FB.

But as a 18 yr. old adult with her own FB page, I can't really control what she writes about her father.
 

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I think your husbands daughter needs to express her self so let her. She is infact her fathers daughter!

I think it will give the kid some sense of empowerment in an otherwise powerless situation.

Maybe give her some guild line and maybe tell her that name calling is not Ok put stating the facts is OK. Be informative but not vandictive. In short discuss what she plans on telling others and how.....
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Just to make things CLEAR, I did expose the affair to everyone in our lives including his family, who by the way are all very supportive to me and the kids.

The issue with the OW is that she contacted me a number of times to "rub in my face" the relationship. Since she has not S/O, and I have already contacted her by email telling her what I think of her and asking her to leave me in peace, I thought I did it all. Nothing else that I could say to her would make a difference if what I already said didn't.

My daughter is out for vengence, I just don't want her to get hurt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
This was what I sent to OW after her last attempt to contact me!

What could you possible want from me that you haven't already taken???

Listen I don't know anything about you except that you started a relationship with a marriend man on his word that he was not happy at home. 6 months later, during a fight about the kids chores, he told me he was unhappy. that was July 14th! During that time, we had many happy times. Loving times, family times. We have been together a total of 17 years married for 12 now. This man is the love of my life, and needless to say we could have worked thru any problems we had, if you had been a real respectable woman and had not engaged in his midlife crisis. During the last almost 5 months of hell, we joined couples therapy, (short lived because working on our marriage meant giving up this exciting new, no commitment, no work relationship he had with you), we have cried together, made love more times than I can count and tried to be commited to our children's happiness. The older ones are hurt and angry, and D6 is just devestated that her dad is moving out. I found him an apt. and he will move out on Jan. 1st. I feel that this is the only choice we have, and honestly the only option for any future together. I have prayed that he realizes what he will be losing, but H has a habit of being stubborn and selfish at times. I don't know if you know this but 15 years ago he left me for another woman while I was pregnant with our son S15. I moved from Seattle area back to NJ and a year later he followed me. He asked me to marry him daily for 6 months and finally in 2000 I agreed because he showed me that he loved me and didnt want to live his life without me. We had some really tough years but when D6 was born in 2006 we recommitted ourselves to our marriage and family and honestly I trusted him more than I ever thought I could. The last 6 years have been the best of our marriage, with their own stressful times. OUr daughter D18 went thru some really rebelous times last year and needed therapy, our 14 year only Lab passed in Feb of this year and financially we have been struggling.

I know you are not totally to blame for this affair, but I do believe if you would not have gotten involved with my husband he would not be destroying our family. Your attempts at contacting me have been stressful, and your denial of what you have done is just cowardess.

H has to go thru this journey he has began, for him he thinks he needs to. He told me he is not in love with you, that it was a mistake to ever have gotten involved. He is depressed and stressed out all the time. this is a man I want to protect with everything I have, a man I have committed my life to in good times and in bad. the realization of this relationship you two have had is painful to me and everyone who loves us.

Honestly I don't know how you live with yourself and your involvement in all of this but please for my sake and the sake of my family, don 't cause anymore hurt. I began radiation treatment for cervical cancer this morning and although H has asked to be involved and to support me I can not allow him to, I want my husband there and he can't give that to me right now. I don't want him hurt anymore, no matter what he has put me thru. I love him and always will and honestly his actions contradict his words when it comes to me. All I can say is that I will always be here for him and when he realizes he made a mistake, I will take him back. I am his wife and I promised to be there for him Always.

You obviously are too scared to talk with me, as I have tried in the past. But if you have anything to say for yourself , do it now. If not I hope we are done with each other for good. Please I don't have it in me to continue wondering when you will contact me next.

..
 
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