Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
127 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Sorry if this thread was discussed prior...I looked through recent pages of threads and did not see this topic directly addressed.

My wife and I enjoy mutual masturbation as part of or sex life on occasion. Sometimes that includes us touching each other while we each masturbate, sometimes we lay on the bed facing each other and talk through the experience. I have always enjoyed this, and it was a good fit for times that getting messy was not an option, or when there was not necessarily a ton of time available, or even just for a change.

Since we have been locked in our house due to COVID-19, and the kids home 24x7, it has become more prevalent option my wife chooses. We are not having much sex during this time, but more than 50% of the sexual encounters are mutual masturbation. It seemed to start with the idea that she could be fully under the bed covers and it masked the sound of her vibrator from the kids (which I get...that embarrasses her), but she added a twist that caused me to really get into my head. The last few times we have engaged in this, my wife has wanted to just lay next to each other, no touching, no communicating at all, her eyes close, ahead rolled away from me. She then seems to go as fast as she can (not dragging it out at all.....maybe 1 minute tops), and when she orgasms she just gets up and goes on with her day. I completely understand, she feels uncomfortable doing anything that will be heard by the kids, and if she thinks she is being heard, it ruins the mood completely for her, but the specific manner she approaches this with seems really disconnected.

It almost seems like she knows that since we are always home, and there is no option for privacy, that she has to invite me to be "along side her", but it almost seems she would prefer to be alone. I asked the other day, if there were some other options that would work for her, that would not be exposed to the kids, and did not get much response.

Right after one of these encounters a week or so ago, I playfully asked her about how it was (asked her if she had a good orgasm), and she shared that she has not been feeling very sexual under the stress of the current pandemic and kids home, etc. so she has fantasizing while she masturbates next to me, and its hard to let that work, if she is being touched or talked to. That left me a bit uncomfortable. I know everyone fantasizes, especially when they masturbate, and I even know (and am ok with), that my wife sometimes fantasizes during partnered sex, but for some reason, the way these session go down, it feels very disconnected. I feel a bit selfish for feeling this way, but something just strikes me odd about it. personally, I don't fantasize when I am in the sex act with a partner. My mind just does not go there. When I am alone...for sure...and 100% of the time, but when I am with my partner, I am focused on what is happening in the moment. Again, I know that this is different for everyone, and I don't have an issue that sometimes she fantasizes to get her to an orgasm when we are together, but when she wants me completely disconnected and no involvement, I kind of question why I am even there?

We got into bed a few days ago, with the idea of sex (no specifics were discussed prior), and she asked me to finger her, which I started to do, then she pushed my hand way, grabbed her vibe, and told me to touch myself, then she did her "roll over, close her eyes, and started to just do her own thing. I did not touch myself and just laid there, and she noticed within a few seconds and got frustrated. I told her i did not really need to just get myself off right then, and even offered to go take a shower and she could do her own thing, but that seemed to not work for her, so she just got up, got dressed, and went downstairs. I am just not even sure what to say or do. These events seems so disconnected, just not doing anything for me. Am I off base on feeling this way? Do I just chalk this up to COVID-19 quarantine stress and let it go?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
330 Posts
I'll play contrarian here.
You should have just got up and left the room.
She'd have gotten the message real quick.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
127 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I'll play contrarian here.
You should have just got up and left the room.
She'd have gotten the message real quick.
I am not yet sure if there is a "message to send" or not? The behavior is not typical, and might just be the situation? I just felt really weird about it. I am not sure if I am making a bigger deal than I should? Maybe see if it continues?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
330 Posts
Fair enough.
Your last paragraph is where the story is.
If the activity was "Mutual," how come she went "Solo?"
Why did she get frustrated?
Sounds like she may have realized she ruined the moment.
You should discuss it with her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,926 Posts
I'd tell her that her newest way of getting off is making you feel very disconnected which is one of the major goals of sex with her in the first place. I get that she's embarrassed with the kids home but there are work arounds to that. If the kids sleep late, have morning sex. If they go to be early, have sex later in the night for example. You can play some music in your room during sex to hide the sound of her vibrator.

If it were me, I'd tell her that if she continues this way, she might just find that when the lock down is over she's lost you as a partner because you've made her feel so disconnected from her. What a shame that would be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,556 Posts
No matter what the age of the children there are always opportunities that can be worked out for a married couple to have sexual encounters if both parties want to have encounters.

The lack of opportunities really aren't the problem here.

Something is causing the W to either not desire sex with H or she prefers to have the quickies and times to close her eyes and take a short mental fantasy trip, or most likely a little of both?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
127 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Can't the child sleep with another room?
The kids do sleep in other rooms, they are 16 and 18. It is more that they are old enough to be "aware" and my wife has no interest in sex if she thinks the kids know what is happening. She gets completely in her head about it, and cannot focus on sex (that has been the case always, well before this lock down from the virus).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
127 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
No matter what the age of the children there are always opportunities that can be worked out for a married couple to have sexual encounters if both parties want to have encounters.

The lack of opportunities really aren't the problem here.

Something is causing the W to either not desire sex with H or she prefers to have the quickies and times to close her eyes and take a short mental fantasy trip, or most likely a little of both?
I agree completely...that is what makes me feel distant and unconformable. It does not just seem without reason or motive. I am confident, if it were not lock down, she would have just waited until she was alone. Not that alone time is a problem, but it really felt like she did not want me there, but had no other option. We struggle with desire discrepancies already, so stuff like this does not help the matter. Just days ago, she was very suggestive of trying new things (which is very rare, but gave me some hope), then reality is this situation.

To be fair to her, it has only been recently, since we are in lock down, and we have had connected sex also, although much less than I would like.

I think the bottom line for me, if she wants to get off by yourself and fantasize, then just say that up front. I would have been happy to go take a shower or go downstairs, and would have felt much less awkward. It might have even been sexy to know she was doing it, while I was in another room. I just felt so weird just sitting there, when she obviously did not want me involved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,556 Posts
She may have been having sex with you when you wanted plus her own masturbation time, pre covid19 stay at home directives.

That's very likely. Which in itself isn't a problem yet some may consider it a problem so I won't say that in a sweeping statement.

If that was the case, do you consider that a problem?

Or just a little, or opinion may vary?

As long as she and you have mutually acceptable physical piv/etc sex in quality, intimacy, and quantity, would that be ok with you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
127 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
She may have been having sex with you when you wanted plus her own masturbation time, pre covid19 stay at home directives.

That's very likely. Which in itself isn't a problem yet some may consider it a problem so I won't say that in a sweeping statement.

If that was the case, do you consider that a problem?

Or just a little, or opinion may vary?

As long as she and you have mutually acceptable physical piv/etc sex in quality, intimacy, and quantity, would that be ok with you?
yes, it is ok with me, and historically, we were pretty open about that. She honestly did not masturbate much (other than the 12 months she was on testosterone a while back,....which she masturbated daily). She often goes a while in between, and normally mentions it. That is part of what is odd about this. As I think about it, she normally does not go off an masturbate when I am home (even pre-COVID-19), and the more usual when the house is empty, so maybe with that not being an option right now, just assumed this was better?

Why not just say she needed some alone time? Maybe since sex was much less frequent, she figured I would be upset, and was better for me to "be there"?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,556 Posts
Sometimes in relationships one party thinks (their internal hamster) a thing will be a problem if they say something about "it" when it won't, yet the noticed thing becomes an issue, when it wouldn't have been at all.

That does happen.

You (and others?) are now "home all the time" now, doesn't give her the time to herself but she's used to "it" ie masturbating in this case, in addition to normal sex with you routine and doesn't want to stop 'bating.

And now trying to find a way to do both, a new normal for her with the stay at home directives.

Maybe just more clear talking with her on this, if this is some facsimile of the new problem for her, is the answer.

Be sure and be non judging, non accusing, and tactful and perhaps approach her on this.

At least you'll gain some more knowledge or this may be close to what the issue is.

It may be just this simple.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
550 Posts
OK so these are mostly male responses. I'd like to throw out there it can be as simple as she says. If I knew my teens could hear me complete turn off. I like sex to be both of us. She may also feel guilty if she thinks you are also enjoying yourself. I don't think anything other than a lot of stress and lack of privacy is going on here.

There is one other possibility. Now that everyone is home and you are in each others faces all the time. She might actually be annoyed or feeling the lack of alone time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,954 Posts
My 2 cents is that this sounds like you and your W need to take a step back from sex. The Sex Therapist that helped save my marriage had us stop with sex for a few weeks and do sensate focus exercises.

Maybe you need to talk to your wife about your need for intimacy and emotional connection. Tell he that you understand her fear of being overheard by the kids in bed, but how about some kissing and an in-bed, doors-locked slow make out session Or maybe after she is done taking care of herself, ask her to do you with the vibrator.

Good luck..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
My 2 cents is that this sounds like you and your W need to take a step back from sex. The Sex Therapist that helped save my marriage had us stop with sex for a few weeks and do sensate focus exercises.

Maybe you need to talk to your wife about your need for intimacy and emotional connection. Tell he that you understand her fear of being overheard by the kids in bed, but how about some kissing and an in-bed, doors-locked slow make out session Or maybe after she is done taking care of herself, ask her to do you with the vibrator.
100%you are right!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
49 Posts
I don’t know, I think its nice that you two have developed this mutual masturbation aspect of your sex life together. It sounds like a fun way to do. I suspect she is insecure in some way about it, like maybe she feels bad or guilty about masturbating solo. She seems to want you involved or it won’t work for her. Clearly she has some unexpressed expectations or some past experiences she isn’t telling you about. Something is causing insecurity and putting her into a box when it comes to your sexual intimacy together. My advice is clear communication, state what you want, tell her how it makes you feel when this happens, tell her your ideas and what you think will help. Then give her time to process and think it over. Built follow up and ask her to help work with you to figure this out as a team.

I’m also curious why she is so hasty to get the masturbation session over with. I get it that she’s embarrassed about the noise or afraid of the kids hearing her - but thats life, it happens, people have sex, kids get over it. Her behavior makes it seem like there is more to it than that. Try to create a safe place for her to talk through how she’s feeling and explore what is going on in her mind during those moments. Maybe get a bluetooth speaker for your bedroom and be able to play a podcast or some music when its play time, that will at least help with the noise concerns.

It really has me wondering if there is something deeper going on though since she masturbates so efficiently. I’d love to see you two work this out where you can linger in each other’s pleasure and not rush to the finish line just to go about your duties as quickly as possible. The good news though is that she clearly has sexual needs and wants to experience orgasms, so thats a good thing.
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
Top