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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi Ladies n Gents. This is my first post on this subject and first reach out for understanding, help or advice. Before you reply to this PLEASE become informed on the side effects of Paxil and Xanax as well as their interactive effects. You'll need this knowledge to fully understand.

This is very complicated and confusing to me. I don't know, in fairness, what to do because of the extenuating circumstances involving prescription drugs that purportedly can cause "dangerous sexual behavior", "lowered inhibitions","impaired judgment", memory blank outs" etc.

My wife had multiple affairs years ago when she was under stress and perscribed large doses of Paxil as well as Xanax. Our marriage was a little rocky at the time and she selfishly did whatever she thought she wanted to do. I had my suspicions and I asked her many times over many years if these things I suspected had happened. She unflinchingly denied anything happened with no hesitation a straight face and sincerity.

She was on these fluctuating doses of these drugs for 11 or 12 years.

I had gone to a new Dr about some stress issues and he prescribed Paxil to me. Almost immediately I started having suicidal thoughts. Every night the 9mm in the dresser drawer would "call me",...."I'm right here,.........you can end your pain now,.....all you have to do is get me out of the drawer and,......your problems are over". I have NEVER even believed somebody that said they "heard voices" let alone actually hearing any but this was SCARY!!! After a week or so of literally fighting the urge I told my Dr to take me off of Paxil and I asked my wife to quit taking it as well. The Dr said withdrawal was difficult so he began weaning her off of the 40mg dose she was on. When she was nearly off of it I asked her the question I had asked so many times over the years, "did anything ever happen between you and X,Y or Z?" She again said no but with a troubled hesitant look. She came to me a few days later crying, sat next to me in the office and told me that she had had an affair with four men and pushed her chair back away from me fearing what my reaction might be. My reaction to her devastating (for both of us) news was to pull her chair over the mine, take her head in my hands, look her in the eye and tell her " I forgive you" followed by a kiss on the forehead. Then off to the bedroom with a quart of bourbon and eventually a second for a two day "OH MY GOD!!!!! IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING??" crying, angry, analyzing, questioning head in hands "what do I do now?" session.

When things settled down I asked her why she had lied to me for so long and how she lied so convincingly? She really didn't know but said that it just didn't seem real. It was all like a dream that she had just remembered she had.

We went to her counselor, who she had been seeing for more "stress" related things. She had told her counselor about many of the problems we were having or had in the past but never spoke a word about her infidelity and claims it never even crossed her mind in the numerous sessions they had had discussing the stressors my wife had seemingly so many of but none of which amounted to the total weight she had been feeling. Now she admitted it and even her therapist was shocked. Shocked that she had done these things and shocked that my wife could so convincingly have kept them from her husband and therapist. My wife's answer to her therapist was the same as her answer to me, "it was like it wasn't real. Like I just remembered a bad dream. It all came flooding back". It all came flooding back when she drastically reduced her dose of Paxil and quit taking Xanax. Her therapist was APPALLED that she was on these meds at the doses' she had been on and told us about the side effects and how they could put a person in a functioning drug induced "don't give a $hit" haze.

The first thing I did was start investigating Paxil and Xanax. There are pages and pages of Google results about people in the same "PAXIL HELL". There are websites and forums dedicated to helping people deal with the effects Paxil had on their lives. Xanax was much the same. My wife was on both.

We have three children. At the time of the indiscretions our youngest was about 5-6 and our oldest was about 9-10. Our oldest is also mentally handicapped from having brain damage at birth. (I think this is where the "need" for some "help" coping started).

These affairs were nearly 10 years prior to when I found out. I was, and still am, vey confused. It's been 3 or so years since I leaned the truth. What should I do?? Most men would have kicked her to the curb but there are some many complicated extenuation considerations.

#1. I made a promise. That promise included "in sickness and in health". (I know she made the same promise and violated her vows and I know that, even in the eyes of most churches, she had ended our marriage.) Regardless, I made a promise.

#2. We have a daughter that needs both of us. ( I know she should have considered that when she decided to violate her vows, but she didn't)

#3. It had been nearly 10 years ago. When I didn't know we lived together fine. She was the same person. Now that I know the only thing that has changed is that I have knowledge I didn't have before. I know that sounds very strange but knowledge is an ephemeral, not really a physical, thing.

#4. She was HEAVILY medicated. Even her therapist said her Dr committed gross malpractice and the therapist shared the same waiting room as her Dr. My wife has a low tolerance for anything from vitamins or Tylenol to liquor. Knowing that I have to assume that the 40mg dose of Paxil, which is HIGH, reacted even more dramatically in her as did the Xanax.

She is DEVASTATED by this. She is ashamed, angry, confused, worried about our future and humiliated. This type of thing was seriously outside of her nature. She made it all the way to 21 a virgin and, until that time, had only slept with one other man before marrying me. Totally out of character!

In trying to lessen the weight on her I've used the analogy that, "If she had been in a coma and found out ten years later that her Dr had been having sex with her, should she really feel guilty?" Would she really BE guilty?

My problem is that I cannot put it behind me. I think about it constantly. It eats at me like a cancer that has no cure. It's one of those "can't live with her actions but can't live without her" things.

There are many reasons we are still together and there are many reasons many people would say I should ask her to leave.

As I said above, I had my suspicions. I guess I never really "REALized" my suspicions and numbed them because I trusted her and infidelity was something I just knew neither of us was capable of. I was faithful through our tough times and always have been. It just seemed like something that couldn't happen,...................but it did.

I believe she is truely sorry.
I know she is devestated, disapointed, humiliated etc.
I believe she really loves me.
I don't think she would do something like this under normal curcumstances
Our sex life is very passionate, romantic and nearly every day, at least once.
I feel nearly constant frustration with her and the situation.
Living with the nearly constant frustration, disapointment, anger, humiliation, strees, questions, knowlege, etc. is VERY difficult.
Her leaving, and most likely taking our handicapped daughter with her, is equally unpalletable.
 

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Unfortunately this isn't a unique situation in our culture. People are taking way too much medication. It isn't just Xanax and Paxil. Those are just two examples. I see this problem on a daily basis and I'm appalled at what I see--plenty of people driving motor vehicles in a stupor. And I also know of plenty who committed suicide while on these types of medications. I could go on for a while on this topic, but I will refrain. What specifically is your question? But, I will agree; people on these medications (especially in high doses) don't usually think clearly.
 

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I am sorry your wife felt that she was suffering so much that she needed medication at such high doses. I have successfully avoided drugging myself to the point of losing touch with reality. I believe stress, anxiety, and depression can be treated without the dangers of presciption drugs. Living a life in constant worry about your kids or your marriage is not easy either. It sounds like you want to forgive your wife, so I wish you the best of luck. Hopefully your therapist is doing better now to help you guys cope.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
Yes perscription drugs are overused and a plague. Drs and Pharmacutical companies both know there is no profit in curing an illness but HUGE profits in treating an illness. Hence,......they splatter the media advertising new drugs for illnesses people never knew they had. In the 80s there was no internet and finding out about what your trusted MD was telling you that you needed wasn't easy.

When our daughter was born and had the problems she had we didn't know how she was going to be. We were told she had some brain hemoraging but nobody could say what effect, if any, the damage might cause. That was in the 1980s and that is when our Dr started perscribing anti depresants to my wife and me.

For me the effects were fairly unnoticable but my wife felt she had to have them. That is where it started and every time a new hurdle or stressor popped up the Dr would pop up with a higher dose or another drug.

My question is: "HOW DO I SORT THIS OUT and,.......then what???"

I made a promise to her. She violated her coorasponding promise to me. She did it under the influance of perscription drugs coupled with "only child" selfishness. How much of each contributed, we'll never know.

Anyway. I made a vow and take it seriously. "In sickness and in health". She committed the ULTIMATE breach of that vow and did it several times. If it had not been for the effects of the drugs, it would be a much simpler decision. I guess the crux of my confussion is, do I hold her accountable and split up or was she really "sick" and "not herself".

As far as the therapist goes, she wasn't really very good. I mean, my wife went to her for over a year and the therapist wasn't insightful enough to recognize that the "problems" my wife was having just didn't seem important enough to be as stressed out about them as she was. We moved to another state shortly after the beans were spilled (it was planned before I knew) and we haven't found another therapist because, frankly, how do you know which one, if any, is worth a hoot. I mean, it was our trusted MD that started the snowball rolling.

How do you know who to trust?? it seems like everybody I've trusted has let me down.
 

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Okay, I believe I see where you are going with this. Let me ask another question. Is your wife off of these medications now? Yes, she did commit adultery and you could walk away from the marriage. However, as Christians we also believe in forgiveness. Do you love your wife and want to work on your marriage?

Obviously there are some underlying issues with your wife which need to get resolved. A great therapist will be able to help. Visit different therapists until you find the right one.

I'm probably going to get flamed here, but I'm going to give my honest opinion. Family doctors do not need to be prescribing phychotrophic drugs. It is typical to see a patient start out on a low dose of a drug. Then, within a short time period the patient is not "getting better", so the doctor keeps increasing their dosage. Finally, the patient is a zombie and has no idea what "world" they are in. I fully understand what condition your wife must have been in. It's no wonder some insurance companies require that a psychiatrist must write prescriptions in this drug category. Therefore, I would be inclined to give your wife another chance. That's provided she gets off of these drugs and gets her issues resolved.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you.

I think you've got a handle on what happened. She kept "needing" (wanting) more thinking she could feel "better" and our MD kept giving her more.

She is not off of the Paxil yet. Paxil is VERY difficult to get away from. Withdrawl has been likened to withdrawl from heroin. Both drugs play some of the same games with a persons brain.

She is on a very low dose and our new MD was going to try weaning her down then switchng her to something less addictive in the same drug catagory then weaning her off of that. Unfortunately that DR moved. Our new Dr is pretty good but he is leaving the Paxil alone while my wife goes through some middle age hormonal things.

She is a different person but the full weight of what she did came after significantly lower her Paxil dose. Coping with the truth and the guilt is something she is doing now without being drugged to the gils.

As I said originally, the first thing I did was forgive her. Forgetting is another matter. I'm constantly reminded of things that trigger the reality.

I feel fooled. My trust, while I don't think she would do this again, is shaken and I can't offer the 100% trust I would like to. I'm affraid of being fooled again.

That being the case I question whether the drugs REALLY were the cause. I've read tons ofinformation and personal accounts and the vast majority support the opinion that EITHER one of these drugs can cause this type of behaviour. Not only was she on BOTH but she also has a very low tollerance level meaning a "normal" dose for the average person would be an over dose for her.

I guess the main stumbling block in my mind is do I accept that she did what she did under the influance of these drugs or because she wanted to.
 

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My wife was on Paxil and was weaned off. So I know how dangerous and difficult the withdrawal's can be.

I'm not sure really what you asking. It seems like you are maybe just looking for someone to say what you did was OK. That somehow you feel like you shouldn't have taken her back.

No one here can tell you that. Only you know that. We can give opinions, but we can't say for sure.

In my opinion, it happened a long time ago, and it hasn't happened since. She was on prescribed drugs at the time, which to me is a lot different than the "I was drunk" excuse that many spouses hear. Your relationship now is very strong despite issues of stress and depression, which can be very difficult to deal with. If you've worked through it, and are happy, then why not be together?

I know it's tough thinking about, even if it was that long ago. But as long as you are happy, she is happy, and you truly believe that it was a mistake that has not been repeated and won't be repeated in the future and you accept the why, then just enjoy your relationship.
 

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Lets not put down medications as they help more people than they hurt. I for one think drugs are beneficial for society, more so since we have no LONG TERM state run mental hospitals (except for the criminally insane) like they did years ago.
 

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I don't buy it that the drugs caused her to seek sex outside of marriage.

You're overthinking this.

And looking for answer that makes sense for her to do what she did.

The fact is, what she did does not make sense because it doesn't fit your illusion of what your wife is.

She had you snowed.

Still does.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
I don't buy it that the drugs caused her to seek sex outside of marriage.

You're overthinking this.

And looking for answer that makes sense for her to do what she did.

The fact is, what she did does not make sense because it doesn't fit your illusion of what your wife is.

She had you snowed.

Still does.
I'll let somebody else tell you how uninformed your "opinion" is. If you don't believe that Paxil or Xanax, let alone BOTH taken simultaniously, can cause irrational behavior in people then there are a huge number of people that would disagree with your opinion. It certainly isn't based in or backed by any fact that I've found in my research of the two drugs. In fact exactly this type of behavior is HEAVILY reported by both personal experiences and prefessional opinion.

paxil hell - Google Search

Interesting reading. http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/showthread.php?t=31447
 

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Hey WhatAFoolBeleaves! You can PM if you need to. I see this zombie behavior daily. I do understand. Dang one of these zombies drove her car into my building a couple of months ago. After doing so, she backed the car up and drove on down to Wal-Mart like nothing ever happened. She denied doing it--and five of us witnessed it. I believe she was taking Cymbalta, Xanax, and a hydrocodone/apap medication. I get sick of even trying to have rational conversation with these folks everyday.
 

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You can be angry with me for not believing your wife choosing to cheat is based on her drug usage.

I'm not refuting that irrational behavior is aided by substance abuse/prescription drugs/booze, etc.

What I am suggesting is that her desire to cheat is there, not dependent on substance abuse. It takes quite a bit of doing to cheat. Blaming that decisionmaking on the drugs is too convenient a package for offloading blame and guilt for her.

Again, be angry if you must be. I'm not uninformed about such things. I just don't feel like pointing you toward other professional opinions than what you googled.

I sure hope you refocus your anger and hurt towards where it belongs. And it is not at me.

Your wife did this. Get your head around that.

I'll let somebody else tell you how uninformed your "opinion" is. If you don't believe that Paxil or Xanax, let alone BOTH taken simultaniously, can cause irrational behavior in people then there are a huge number of people that would disagree with your opinion. It certainly isn't based in or backed by any fact that I've found in my research of the two drugs. In fact exactly this type of behavior is HEAVILY reported by both personal experiences and prefessional opinion.

paxil hell - Google Search

Interesting reading. Paxil induced marital disaster - paxilprogress
 

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There is never an excuse for committing one of the most devastating things you can do to another person. Never an excuse. Repeat that over and over. Drinking, high, coked out, depressed, happy, sad, melancholy, prescription drugs etc. None of it works for me. Ever.

The problem with taking her back is you are just prolonging the inevitable meltdown and permanent breakup. Seriously dude, you want to live the next 20 or 30 years always wondering what she's doing when she out with her friends or shopping at the mall? That constand nagging at the back of your mind wondering if she's really there? Then you start the snooping and the following. And then the accusations. The fights, the tears, the anger, the sadness. You get to live that over and over and over for the rest of the time you are with her.

Do yourself a favor, go find yourself a woman deserving of your love and respect. She's out there. And she probably just got over some idiot who did to her what your wife did to you.

I wish god would make all cheaters end up with other cheaters. It seems they only want the good people though.



John
 

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Infidelity while taking antidepressants is a HUGE issue for people there is a site I was reading it is called topix it has a ton of post on this issue called marriages destroyed by antidepressants or something along those line.
Many posters on there have been trying to figure it out and I think they have done a good job with the research some posters are the ones who cheated while drugged up but most are the ones that were cheated on. Very interesting site and this may be something doctors need to be told about.
I looked it up for you here is the link
Marriages destroyed by SSRI's/SNRIs - Topix

I think you will be quite surprised to see how many people have this problem with antidepressants. Many more can be found at paxilprogress.org

I for one think there has to be something to this as I have just read way too much about it for there not to be. FYI I took antidepressants and quit the withdrawal was horrible and I used websites for knowledge and support they know my than any of my doctors. simple as that.
 
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