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Discussion Starter #1
i dont know how to start this or what to say, but I don't have any family or friends that I can turn to. So I'm turning here.

I feel like my entire world is collapsing. My wife and I have been married going on 3 years in Nov. We survived her emotiinal affair back 2010 and our marriage grew stronger, but I dont know how we are going to make it through this or if we will.

Here's the deal, a few days ago she searched my internet history amd found some adult websites. At first I tried to play it off as just a small thing that hasnt occured more than once or twice in our marriage, but then she went into my old email that I used years ago and saw a lot of memberships to some sites I had jpined way back then. After this I admitted to her that I have a problem with porn. I won't go into details, but after many hours of talking she agreed to help me work through it and we would try together even though she considered it cheating.

Well she moved back in with her parents and said she just needed time to sort things out and then she would be back and we could work on thibgs. Well this morning she sends me a text saying she doesn't feel like I'm telling her the truth and she feels like I've cheated on her. Let me first and foremost clarify this, my wufe will never read this board so I have no reason to lie, I have never and would never cheat on her I love her so much the thought of it hurts. However, in my first marriage I wasn't as convicted. I had a few emotional affairs, but no physical affairs.

This is where things got bad, she found my old emails with some of the girls that I used to talk to when I was married before. I can openly admit that I haven't always been a great guy and I've done things I'm not proud of. This is one of them.

She changed the password and security questuons to my old email account. Iasked her to delete it numerous times and she said she would, but she never did. She just kept going through it and finding different emails and has convinced herself that I've been doing the same stuff to her. I haven't, but getting her to believe that is seeming impossible.

So about an hour ago I got tired of her weeding through my past and the person I used to be and holding it against me, instead of seeing me as the person I've always been to her. So I backdoored the email account and deleted it permanently. I told her as soon as I did it and now she said that she wants a divorce for sure and refuses to even talk to me. I started to drive the 5 hours to her parents house, but her Dad talked sense into because she threatened to call the police on me.

I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I love her and our children so much and don't want to lose them. They are my everything. I just need advice. Is my marriage really over? Where do I go from here?

Please forgive typos, I'm typing this on a cell phone and crying my eyes out.
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40 Posts
Please try to calm down and gain perspective. I am so sorry for how you are feeling, and I can feel the desperation in your tone. I have had these feelings many, many times.

First, I don't think it's okay that she has all that access to your email acounts. You deserve privacy. And I don't think it's fair for her to hold your past against you. If you have truly changed, and what you say is true that you do not cheat on her, then she needs to accept that. I do not think you should be continually punished for your past. (I'm dealing with that, and as much as I want to save things I'm realizing that it's not fair for someone to take you to task over THE PAST)
The past needs to stay in the past, especially if you have done the work to make changes in your life.

Admitting to her that you have a porn problem shows me that you have courage. I know that's not an easy thing to admit.
I don't know much about porn addiction, but I'm thinking it would be good for you to seek counseling for that problem, if it's truly a problem.

Next, I know it's so hard to be left wondering what's next. I've been there too, and am kinda there now. I totally relate.
however, maybe she just needs some time to cool off and sort out her thoughts.
I think a good start would be to address your personal problems with a counselor(porn addiction, relationship issues, etc) this will show her that you are working towards a positive solution.

I hope this helps some. Please update me, and let me know if I can help. I know for me writing stuff out on here helps me gain clarity that I just can find when I'm left alone to my thoughts.

I wish you the best, and I pray you find some peace.
Take Care!

2,370 Posts
To feel guilty about watching porn is quite a bullsh1t way to live. You did right to delete the account and stand up for yourself. Your wife sounds controlling and quite insecure.

How's your sex life with her? Porn addiction is an issue, but it's no reason to feel so guilty. You can get help with it and it's not that big of a deal. If you commit yourself to a few sessions of therapy and your wife cooperates with sexual availability, it's easy to kick the habit.

In any case, don't let your wife determine your destiny. If she wants to stay separated and eventually divorce, there's no reason for you to adhere to her 'needs' or 'wants'. In other words SCREW HER.

Follow these commandments and don't backtrack. Don't explain yourself to your wife anymore. When divorce is on the table, all your love, affection, comfort, money and caring goes out. You're not her doormat.

If you follow these commandments, and stick with individual counseling (FOR YOU), I promise your wife will never be able to inflict the kind of pain you're going through.

Synthetic's 10 Commandments:

1. Read this link - Just Let Them Go

2. Follow the following rules: The 180 degree rules

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: No More Mr. Nice Guy

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but sweat the pain of anxiety out. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night.

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.
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