Joined
·
13 Posts
I've been married for 22 years with 2 daughters 20 & 16.
I've come to the conclusion that I thought I was "Mr. Nice Guy". At first we shared all household duties 50/50. For the first 2 years we alternated between in-laws for the holidays. Then for the next 20 years it was always let's go to her parents for the holidays - "your parents don't really like to celebrate them anyway." We had our issues around sex right from the start - mostly because she had some trauma early in life and now she has severe body issues. Basically doing it is an act of do it, get it done with and don't look or touch anything. I have seen her totally nude 3 times in 22 years. Over the years duties have gone more to the 70/30 rule. Any duties she is responsible for I must help or there will be an argument about helping around the house. It used to be I cook and she clean, I do outside house and she did inside. Now 'we' do inside house cleaning together and I have to continuously get the supplies or the vacuum or whatever for her then put them all away after, I cook always, I clean up after, then she re-cleans because I do "a poor job". I do 75% of the laundry.
We do not agree on how to discipline the kids. The 20 year old is in college, she get all her gas money from us, all the money for fast food, she keeps her room a mess and when I try to enforce her to keep things clean, mom undermines me - says she's an adult and if she wants her room messy so be it....it isn't her room it's our house! Similar things go on with our youngest...mom's overly strict with school and such. So much so that I end up undermining mom's decisions since they are way to strict...or I don't follow 'her rules' and we get into an argument. Arguments are always "we do it this way, you were wrong to think otherwise" or "why would you let her do that?"
I always initiated sex. I would try to wait it out but months would go by and nothing so I kept initiating. One day I had enough and said to myself that I no longer will initiate...that was 3 years ago.
Our youngest is in therapy and some of the issues that come up are around mom and her and mom and me. My daughter told her councilor that mom is rude and condescending to me. She tells me what to do all the time. My daughter told me in her councilor session (which she asked me to come into)...that if I was her and she was that rude to her that she would leave in a heartbeat.
This is when I was offered IC and started to read this forum. I've slowly been figuring out that I am not Mr. Nice Guy and I am Mr. Doormat. I have started to do the 180 thing and wow it has gotten bad. The silent treatment, the angry outbursts, which I just politely just walk away from. She comes home from work looking all pissed off and goes upstairs until dinner is ready then eats and cleans up and goes back upstairs.
The problem is I just don't know where to go from here. I guess this is where I need to man up and keep at it. I'm thinking MC but really am about 50% checked out due to the total lack of intimacy. Even though I drop everything for her and the kids. I have plans, but will drop them to join them at the mall or the in-laws or go to the movies or whatever. I recently started going back to the gym on a regular basis - for me. Guess who has been trying to sabotage me going? You guessed it.
There is plenty of details I probably missed but that is the general outline. I am nearing the point of no return.
Any suggestions or pointers for me?
I've come to the conclusion that I thought I was "Mr. Nice Guy". At first we shared all household duties 50/50. For the first 2 years we alternated between in-laws for the holidays. Then for the next 20 years it was always let's go to her parents for the holidays - "your parents don't really like to celebrate them anyway." We had our issues around sex right from the start - mostly because she had some trauma early in life and now she has severe body issues. Basically doing it is an act of do it, get it done with and don't look or touch anything. I have seen her totally nude 3 times in 22 years. Over the years duties have gone more to the 70/30 rule. Any duties she is responsible for I must help or there will be an argument about helping around the house. It used to be I cook and she clean, I do outside house and she did inside. Now 'we' do inside house cleaning together and I have to continuously get the supplies or the vacuum or whatever for her then put them all away after, I cook always, I clean up after, then she re-cleans because I do "a poor job". I do 75% of the laundry.
We do not agree on how to discipline the kids. The 20 year old is in college, she get all her gas money from us, all the money for fast food, she keeps her room a mess and when I try to enforce her to keep things clean, mom undermines me - says she's an adult and if she wants her room messy so be it....it isn't her room it's our house! Similar things go on with our youngest...mom's overly strict with school and such. So much so that I end up undermining mom's decisions since they are way to strict...or I don't follow 'her rules' and we get into an argument. Arguments are always "we do it this way, you were wrong to think otherwise" or "why would you let her do that?"
I always initiated sex. I would try to wait it out but months would go by and nothing so I kept initiating. One day I had enough and said to myself that I no longer will initiate...that was 3 years ago.
Our youngest is in therapy and some of the issues that come up are around mom and her and mom and me. My daughter told her councilor that mom is rude and condescending to me. She tells me what to do all the time. My daughter told me in her councilor session (which she asked me to come into)...that if I was her and she was that rude to her that she would leave in a heartbeat.
This is when I was offered IC and started to read this forum. I've slowly been figuring out that I am not Mr. Nice Guy and I am Mr. Doormat. I have started to do the 180 thing and wow it has gotten bad. The silent treatment, the angry outbursts, which I just politely just walk away from. She comes home from work looking all pissed off and goes upstairs until dinner is ready then eats and cleans up and goes back upstairs.
The problem is I just don't know where to go from here. I guess this is where I need to man up and keep at it. I'm thinking MC but really am about 50% checked out due to the total lack of intimacy. Even though I drop everything for her and the kids. I have plans, but will drop them to join them at the mall or the in-laws or go to the movies or whatever. I recently started going back to the gym on a regular basis - for me. Guess who has been trying to sabotage me going? You guessed it.
There is plenty of details I probably missed but that is the general outline. I am nearing the point of no return.
Any suggestions or pointers for me?