Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 45 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK Newbie here and I was one of those guys that thought it would never happen to them..
My wife and I have been married 11 years, together for 17. We were high school sweethearts, I am now 32 and have four awesome kids. Now for the long story..
My SAHM wife has been battling depression since after our first child was born, and this past summer she seemed to hit rock bottom. In the beginning of Aug. She told me she was so miserable that she wanted to kill herself, so we decided that she needed to check herself into a clinic for help. After she returned from the clinic with A Manic-Depressive diagnosis, I felt almost relieved that we finally figured out what was going on with her mental health and was getting the help she needed.
A mutual friend of ours was in the process of leaving his spouse, so we were helping him out and hanging out with him (Actually all 4 of us went out together at one point). He and my wife started hanging out on the weekends together and I started to get concerned after she came home from he bar he works at 3am.. Told her I didnt like it and she told me that he was just one of our good friends.. I started noticing that she was pulling away from me and felt a lot of tension between us.
The beginning of Oct she called me while I was driving home from an out of town job (First one I've had in years) and told me over the phone that she wanted to leave me. I was in total shock and raced home to talk to her. I offered to go to counseling with her, but the only two reasons she gave me was that I wasnt there for her emotionally, and she doesn't love me the way I need to be loved.. I was scheduled to be out of town 3 days a week for the next 4 weeks, and I knew that our friend was hanging out here while I was gone, and when I got home she would go out with him..
By Halloween I was done going out of town and once again asked her about counseling which she said she didnt know if she wanted to. I finally accused her of an EA to which she admitted to, and we decided to split up after the weekend so we could tell the kids. Sat I found out that It was more than an EA and I was crushed. It was the worst thing I've ever felt. She left me and the kids on Sun eve. And supposedly (Was a lie) went to go stay with her grandma. Mon She told me there has been 2 other guys (One I kinda knew about - didnt think they were sleeping together) over the past 1 1/2 years. On Friday I found out she moved in with our "Friend" and never went to grandmas.
3 weeks after she moved out They have already rented a house, and thinks shes going to take the kids there.. I havn't even filed yet because I cant bring myself to do it. She hasn't fully moved into the new house yet, she is staying with another GOOD friend of ours (Who is very concerned about this situation) when she has the kids.
I feel like i'm not ready to give up, I see her almost every day because of the kids, and the past two weeks has been amazing hanging out with her. I know she is in a "fog" and wont see things clearly, but shes destroying her kids and me by moving so fast with this guy...
I'm sure I will add more later

TLDR: married 11 years, 4 kids, wife cheated, 3 guys in 1 1/2 years, directly rented a house with current guy, I'm worried about her..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,044 Posts
You are worried about your wife. You still care for her; probably always will. But given the history you have described, sounds like she is on a destructive path that probably needs serious professional intervention.
Given the circumstances you've presented my first concern would be the kids and yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Shes been in therapy since the clinic stay, but found out yesterday she hasn't even told her therapist we split up, let alone the other guy..
All of her very close friends have stopped talking to her, and even our mutual friends lost respect for her. Her family is pissed at her, and I fear when the fog lifts she will do something stupid.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
A mutual friend of ours was in the process of leaving his spouse

****

He and my wife started hanging out on the weekends together and I started to get concerned after she came home from he bar he works at 3am.. Told her I didnt like it and she told me that he was just one of our good friends..
I don't want to beat you when you're down, but now you know why this forum isn't a fan of this sort of behavior. No good comes of it. Bars are for single people to hit on each other. Spouses should make it a rule to only go to bars with each other.

The beginning of Oct she called me while I was driving home from an out of town job (First one I've had in years) and told me over the phone that she wanted to leave me. I was in total shock and raced home to talk to her. I offered to go to counseling with her, but the only two reasons she gave me was that I wasnt there for her emotionally, and she doesn't love me the way I need to be loved..
Notice she never mentioned this before. Many people think the unhappiness starts BEFORE the affair and is the CAUSE of the affair; but actually, what happened was, she clicked with him, and in order to justify massively betraying you, she had to start lying to herself. One sort of lie is "rewriting" marital history--how she never really loved you and you were never good to her etc etc. This is just a mental construct to permit her to violate her marriage vows.

She told me there has been 2 other guys (One I kinda knew about - didnt think they were sleeping together) over the past 1 1/2 years.
So on top of everything else, she's a serial cheater.

So here is what happened: for whatever reason (boredom, stress, anxiety, depression) she started to escape her reality by hanging out with men who found her attractive. She got a big kick out of that--it was lots of fun. These men would compliment her endlessly, validate whatever she'd say. This sort of thing is very addictive. Soon, it became a pattern in her life, something she couldn't live without. She was essentially "dating" men even though she was married to you.

"Dating" while you're married (having serial affairs) is generally known as "cake-eating" you provided the security of marriage, these guys supplied the fun.

What apparently happened with the latest man is that her allegiance switched--she must have found someone willing to play "daddy" to the kids as well. So her dating circuit complete, she was now finally ready, after you confronted her, to exit the marriage. (And BTW--who knows how long she would have gone on this way if you had not confronted her. Cake-eating is the ultimate goal of most affairs.)

They have already rented a house, and thinks shes going to take the kids there.. I havn't even filed yet because I cant bring myself to do it.
Listen to me carefully. Go to dadsdivorce.com. Meet with a lawyer if you haven't already. By leaving the house this way, and presumably leaving the children, she can be found to have abandoned the marriage. This can affect the divorce settlement, who gets the house, and how custody of the kids is divided.

The other thing you need is a temporary custody order with a morality clause if you can get it. You need to do what you can legally to prevent her from bringing the kids around the OM. I don't want to alarm you, but stepfathers are statistically the source of a huge amount of abuse of children. I say that knowing many awesome stepfathers who'd take a bullet for their stepkids. Being a stepparent is an incredibly thankless job in many ways. But statistics for stepfather abuse of minors to whom they are not biologically related are appalling. You cannot control what she chooses to do, but you can put in place what little legal protection you can get.

I feel like i'm not ready to give up, I see her almost every day because of the kids, and the past two weeks has been amazing hanging out with her.
Unfortunately at this stage, there is not a lot you can do to wake her up.

Does her family, and your family, and the OM's family, and your mutual close friends, know the truth? Edited to say, posted before I saw what you just said.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
First you need to expose the friend. Post him on cheaterville.com and expose the affair to friends and family.

Make him persons nongrata.

You now know there'll reason for her emotional problems the last few years, it was nothing you did or could fix. It was all about her affairs and her relationships with these other men.

If you know who they are exposé them to their wives.

Exposure aka telling the truth is your best plan for dealing with this.

Get to a lawyer and prevent her having the OM around your kids. It's called a morality clause.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
Shes been in therapy since the clinic stay, but found out yesterday she hasn't even told her therapist we split up, let alone the other guy..
All of her very close friends have stopped talking to her, and even our mutual friends lost respect for her. Her family is pissed at her, and I fear when the fog lifts she will do something stupid.
She hasn't been honest with her therapists so its likely she has been misdiagnosed. She's a serial cheater who had a breakdown when her affair partner dumped her. That's most likely what the hospital stay really was caused by.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
She hasn't been honest with her therapists so its likely she has been misdiagnosed. She's a serial cheater who had a breakdown when her affair partner dumped her. That's most likely what the hospital stay really was caused by.
I agree that she may have been misdiagnosed. Most people who have affairs (despite all the lying that they do) would be considered mentally healthy.

However, some cheaters do register as mentally unstable. Two common mental issues we have seen on this forum are Borderline Personality Disorder (often seen in victims of past abuse) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (massive self-entitlement, far beyond average). Again, most people who cheat aren't anywhere close to these--but take a look at the symptoms online--out of curiousity--see whether either one of them lines up with her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
As of right now she has no access to any of my money, and I told her when I just thought it was "over" I would cover her car insurance and cell for 2 months or until she gets a job. Job should be coming next week...
The first OM was a one night drunken thing with an old friend.. The OM#2 was actually the kids babysitter. that went on for 4-6 months, and she stopped that after I took her on a cruise last December. The current guy started as an EA in JUN - JUL.. Without going into detail the last weekend she was able to see current guy on a regular basis was the first weekend of Aug. The next weekend is when we took her to the clinic.

Heart -- I will look into those, Ive also noticed recently that she is a serial Liar. Also she has spoken in the past about getting divorced, but always in a joking matter.. I never took it seriously, Matter of fact the last time she said something about it I told her I didn't like to joke about it..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
The doctor, I have been thinking about -- I know in June she had a full screening done and I saw the result, the only thing that came from that was HPV, when she asked me who I was sleeping with.... I need to get tested because I know the current guy has been around.. cheated on his 2nd wife of 1yr with my wife, married before for 3yrs, and has a kid with a third.
The kids have been told what they need to know. They know mom is living with him, that mom loves him, and they say they are OK with it.. They like the other guy a lot..
And I plan on filing Friday....
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
66 Posts
Sorry for your pain DEOHGEE, I've combined a timeline of your words so far to get a better idea of what you're going through, and to try to give you an honest look at your options, hope this helps.

THE TIMELINE OF THE OP'S STORY SO FAR...
  1. OP acknowledges he was in denial about the status of his marriage
  2. WW was a SAHM who battled depression after first born
    • WW has a drunken ONS with OM#1
    • WW has 4-6 month PA with OM#2, the kids babysitter
    • OP says he put a stop to A with OM#2 after taking WW on a cruise
  3. This past August, WW says she is miserable and wants to kill herself
  4. WW checks into clinic, diagnosis Manic-Depressive
  5. OP feels she is getting help, breathes a sigh of relief
  6. Mutual Friend in process of leaving his spouse starts hanging out
  7. Mutual Friend and WW start hanging out on weekends
  8. WW comes in at 3am after hanging out at bar Mutual Friend works at
  9. OP tells WW he doesn't like it, WW says he's just a good friend
  10. OP notices WW pulling away and feels tension growing between them
  11. Oct. WW calls OP says she wants to leave him
  12. OP wants to go to counseling
  13. WW tells OP he is not there for her emotionally and does not love him the way he deserves
  14. OP realizes Mutual Friend has been hanging out with WW when OP is out of town
  15. After Halloween, OP ask WW about counseling again, she says doesn't know
  16. OP accuses WW of EA with OM#3, she admits to it.
  17. Both decide to split up after the weekend for the sake of the kids
  18. Sat. OP discovers EA in JUNE with OM#3 moved to a PA in SEP-OCT and he is crushed
  19. Sun. WW leaves OP and kids, lies and says she is going to her grandmothers
  20. Mon. WW tells OP there were 2 other guys she's had PA's with over past 1 1/2 years
  21. Fri. OP discovers WW is living with Mutual Friend
  22. 3 weeks after moving out Mutual Friend and WW are already renting a house
  23. OP says WW thinks she will be taking kids to rental house
  24. OP can't bring himself to file for D
  25. OP says GOOD FRIEND allows WW to stay at her place when WW has kids
  26. OP says GOOD FRIEND doesn't like what WW did
  27. OP says he feels like he is not ready to give up
  28. OP says last 2 weeks have been AMAZING, because he's seen her everyday with the kids
  29. OP says WW is in the fog, moving in too fast with OM#3 and destroying the kids
  30. OP says WW has been lying to therapist, says she has not mentioned affairs or OM#3
  31. OP says friends have stopped talking to WW, lost respect for her and family is pissed at her
  32. OP fears WW will do something stupid when fog lifts
  33. When OP thought it was over, he offers to help WW financially until she finds a job.
  34. OP says WW is a serial liar, she has joked about D in the past, OP says he's not laughing

DEOHGEE, you now have a choice...
You can either take the RED PILL or the BLUE PILL...

TAKE THE RED PILL AND...
  • Accept the fact that your WW is a serial liar and a serial cheater
  • Accept the fact that your WW used drinking as an excuse for a ONS with OM#1
  • Accept the fact that your WW went to a clinic to mourn the loss of OM#2
  • Accept the fact that your WW moved in with OM#3 to replace you as a H and a Father
  • Accept the fact that your WW may have had more affairs that you don't know about
  • Accept the fact that you are walking in the same fog of denial as your WW
  • Accept the fact that you may not be able to save your marriage
  • Get tested for STD's
  • Get paternity tests for all of your children
  • Protect your children and get a Temporary Custody Order w/a Morality Clause
  • Get a lawyer and find out your rights
  • Stop supporting your WW financially
  • Expose ALL OM's to their families, wives, GF's, etc...
  • Stop rug sweeping years of lies and deceit with 2 weeks of AMAZING
  • Get over the fear of losing your WW, do the 180, work on yourself
  • Don't show weakness to your WW by begging and pleading with her to return home
  • Understand that you can hope for the best, but you must prepare for the worst

OR TAKE THE BLUE PILL AND...
  • Continue to rug sweep your WW's multiple affairs
  • Allow your WW to blame-shift her affairs on you and her depression
  • Allow your WW to stay in contact with OM#3
  • Allow OM#3 to replace you as a father to your children
  • Continue to pay your WW's bills as she bangs another dude
  • Convince yourself that you can save her
  • Keep calling OM#3 a "MUTUAL FRIEND"
  • Allow your WW to have her cake and eat it too
  • Ignore the advice given to you on this board by those who have been there
  • Focus all your attention on your WW's happiness and ignore your own

Take the Blue Pill and we can almost guarantee you how the story ends. Take the Red Pill and no matter what happens, your self-respect and dignity will remain intact.

Good Luck
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,234 Posts
Man OP...that's a tough one to swallow. I will say, however, I'm glad to see that you're filing tomorrow. Good for you. Take care of yourself and your kids first, man. I know you can't make stuff normal for them, but you're gonna have to show them your strong side. They already sense that Mom is having issues. They don't need to worry about Dad, too.

As an aside, I just gotta say this: I am sick and f'ng tired of this bullsnot "manic depressive" "bi-polar" and whatever other current fad that describes people just being stupid. While there are TRUE medical issues with these and many other psychological maladies, it just pisses me off to no end that wayward spouses get these diagnoses and just run with them as if that answers why they decided an orgasm from someone else was what they wanted. Funny how just a few years ago all of these psychiatric issues were confined to the people who truly struggled with them. Now, with the plethora of pharmacological money that's out there...well, it's a wonder as to why so many suddenly take ill with them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
DedicatedDad
Thanks for putting it like that, but let me clarify a few things:

She went to clinic this past Aug.. 5 months ago
EA started with OM#3 in June this year PA in SEP-OCT..
She left me and the kids.. She comes to see them almost daily.
GOOD friend doesn't like what she did, Allows WW to stay there when she has the kids, because I wont let the kids be around OM.

Details without too much details about the cutoff: Both the WW and I belong to a group that does weekend summer activities with kids. OM#2 and 3 belong to same group. Our activities stopped the first weekend of AUG. I had no idea at that time about the EA, My concern came after she got out of the clinic and OM#3 started hanging out a lot.

Not trying to defend her, just clarifying the facts (As I know them)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
Okay first thing--I gave the wrong website--I went back and corrected it, but if you missed it, it's dadsdivorce.com I have not used it (for one thing, I'm a mom who is not divorced), but I understand they have forums that give advice specific to custody, property, finances etc. during a divorce.

GET TESTED AGAIN FOR STDS

As far as HPV--sorry I don't follow the timeline--did she catch that from OM#3 or OM#2? (and the NERVE of her accusing you of giving it to her--wow that pisses me off). Anyhow, if you think it was OM#2, I would inform OM#3, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, OMW#3, because they almost surely have not been told.

If you need help with a letter form, check out jinba's threads--she felt obligated to tell the OWH (in her case) about the HPV diagnosis. Many people think "oh, it's just HPV" but certain strains cause cervical cancer, and if you're found to have that strain, they put you on serious monitoring, probably for life.

First post has the text of the letter informing the spouse of the cheater of the HPV diagnosis:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45186-exposure-letter-written.html

what happened after she sent the letter, if you're curious:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45882-exposure-no-news-good-news.html
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,898 Posts
I would never make excuses for your kid's mother, and I hesitate to offer you anything that would allow you to make rationalizations for her.

She is responsible for her actions. period. As is the case with virtually all BS's there is one therapy that offers any degree of hope... That's consequences. The cold, hard, natural consequences af her choices.

That being said, I did a bunch of research at one point in my own process of understanding my XW's affair, and to try to connect some dot's in my brain. Understanding helped me cope, and eased some of the burden I was carrying about her affair being my fault.

Maybe you'll find something here intriguing link: depression and affairs
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
Separately commenting on the mental health issues:

Heart -- I will look into those [BPD and NPD], Ive also noticed recently that she is a serial Liar. Also she has spoken in the past about getting divorced, but always in a joking matter.. I never took it seriously, Matter of fact the last time she said something about it I told her I didn't like to joke about it..
Do a background check and figure out if she was ever married before. Frankly, how well do you know her? How well do you know her family?

As an aside, I just gotta say this: I am sick and f'ng tired of this bullsnot "manic depressive" "bi-polar" and whatever other current fad that describes people just being stupid. While there are TRUE medical issues with these and many other psychological maladies, it just pisses me off to no end that wayward spouses get these diagnoses and just run with them as if that answers why they decided an orgasm from someone else was what they wanted. Funny how just a few years ago all of these psychiatric issues were confined to the people who truly struggled with them. Now, with the plethora of pharmacological money that's out there...well, it's a wonder as to why so many suddenly take ill with them.
And, I just want to point out, that part of the reason BPD and NPD show up on these forums is that they are extremely difficult to treat. People who have these disorders are typically in denial that there is anything wrong with them at all.

Now, she may have had depression, and she may have had post-partum depression. She may even--lying aside--be manic-depressive. In that sense, having affairs is a form of "self-medication"--no different in certain ways from drugs and alcohol. They give her a mental lift. That said, I hardly need to point out that there are MANY hard-core addicts in this world escaping their multitude of problems, and most of them are not serial cheaters and would never dream of cheating on their spouse. Frankly, I sometimes think it gives drug / alcoholics a bad name to lump them in with people who choose to betray a loyal spouse--when in the Western world, counseling and divorce are easily available.
 
1 - 20 of 45 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top