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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My first post, so go easy on me...

So, I have been married for almost 11 years, and been miserable since about year 2. I had a whirlwind romance and didn't get to know my H very well until we were well married and living together. After that, I regretted marrying him, yet didn't want to quit/afraid to quit. My H is very controlling/manipulating and needs to win every argument/be right. He's a bully and will yell, push or poke his way to be right. He's pushed me, punched my leg, poked the S**T out of my shoulder/arms sometimes, and calls me names. He's thrown stuff and hits objects to make a point when he's angry.

We have two children together (2 and 4.5 YO). He gets mad at them and yells in their face and hits them (he's slapped the back of their heads, spanked them repeatedly, dragged my son by his arm, pushed them down hard, kicked my son, etc.) . He calls them names (little sh*t, mother f**ker) when he's mad at them...even for accidents like jumping on him (when jumping around) or spilling food/drink, or having pee accidents.

He is a poor father. He only plays with them on his schedule (when its convenient to him), after he's done whatever selfish activity he wants to do first. He'll watch TV or surf the internet and expect them to watch along with him (even if it's violent/inappropriate).

He has huge expectations of them and me...and when those aren't met, he gets mad. He'll get mad if I look at him wrong or say something with the wrong tone...very defensive.

I haven't been in love with him for a long time and actually feel like we were only in "lust" ...not love. I'm scared of him and I feel like I walk on eggshells. My younger son doesn't like it when he holds him and squirms, etc when he tries to hold them... I could go on and on, but I'll just stop here.

I've decided to leave. I hired a lawyer and signed Divorce paperwork on Tuesday. He's going to be served on Monday with papers with a grounds of "cruelty". I'm really worried about how he'll react. I'm planning on moving out and taking the kids away to a safe place.

My therapist suggested that I call him after I'm out and safe to tell him what's happened, but even that is scary / too hard for me. I know it would take the sting out of the news, but I don't think I could do it.

Any advice? I just need reassurance. It's so hard to keep it a secret and not say anything to anyone (friends, etc.). And it's hard when H does nice things (like play with the kids and stuff),...

I think he knows that we're not a happy couple, but I think the whole leaving while he's at work and filing under "cruelty" grounds will really piss him off..

Help~!
 

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You are absolutely doing the right thing. Concentrate on protecting yourself and your kids. "Hurting" his feelings should be your last concern.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
I thought of an alternative to calling him.

What do you think of leaving him a note on his car at his workplace? The only reason that she mentioned that I call him is that it might diffuse some of the anger/retaliation. My H, on different occasions, has threatened to kill himself, or me and the kids...joking about how it would "solve all his problems"...he has firearms (3).

My lawyer suggested that I take the weapons with me to her office...

My parents are close by and will be going to a safe place with me.

Thanks again.
 

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Do you have anyone close (family or friend) that you trust? It would be better if someone else could make that call & you would only need to tell them that you do not feel safe and therefore cannot let anyone know where you are but that you needed to get out. Wishing the best for you and your kids...stay strong, it will be difficult at first.
 

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I thought of an alternative to calling him.

What do you think of leaving him a note on his car at his workplace? The only reason that she mentioned that I call him is that it might diffuse some of the anger/retaliation. My H, on different occasions, has threatened to kill himself, or me and the kids...joking about how it would "solve all his problems"...he has firearms (3).

My lawyer suggested that I take the weapons with me to her office...

My parents are close by and will be going to a safe place with me.

Thanks again.
I would recommend creating a Safety Plan and that link will help you.

Since he has physically harmed you and the kids, and he has threatened to harm you or the kids or himself if you leave, AND he has firearms... I would definitely get a restraining order to keep him away from your new place and your place of work and your kids--as a safety measure only. Just a note: I do not now or ever advocate the use of a restraining order for legal maneuvering and custody--but to keep yourself and your children safe? You betcha!

I would recommend moving out, making sure your new home is safe, changing your cell phone #, and making sure some things settle. When you move out, I would recommend removing the firearms as you remove other property and boxes--perhaps just packing them into a special box that is locked and then putting them in a storage unit. If they are not your property, it's not cool to take what isn't yours, but it's also not cool to leave him a means to hurt himself or you and the kids. Thereafter if you are more comfortable leaving him a note that's fine, but you do not have to call him or leave him a note to explain if you're not up to it. He will find out when he is served with papers. Since he is a parent of the kids, though, he would have to be notified of their address/location EXCEPT in the instance where a restraining order is filed and the address/location is protected. In that instance, he'd be notified that your address is protected, and as a parent he'd have to arrange to see the kids or pick up the kids, etc. at some neutral public place like a park.

So check with your lawyer about a restraining order. If you do not, then he would need to be notified where the children are so it is not kidnapping.
 
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