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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
EDIT: Advice only please, not accusations/attacks.

My STBX is moving out tomorrow, and we've broke the news to our daughter, our seperation is in motion. At work today I don't know what got into me but I well... tried to cheer myself up, and managed to get a number from a casual waitress I hired cash-in-hand just for the service tonight. She was interested...

But now I wonder if I should really go through with it. Just a date right? But it just doesn't really feel right, 1 day before official seperation and I already have options. I don't think I'm ready for this, and I should really keep my flirtateous nature in check but... shouldn't there be a time before dating again during seperation?

I'm thinking of delaying this 'date' actually, it feels wrong... should it feel wrong?
 

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I have only one rule, if something troubles your conscience, don't do it. Its clearly pricking yours. Don't do it. Time for ***** hunting later. But that said, after your divorce or when you know for certain that you're headed there, the faster you jump back into the dating scene, the better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
After divorce? Nah I'm not waiting a full year to get laid!!! It's already a system shock by itself since D-day (am I using this term correctly? D-Day is the time when the divorce/seperation all began yes?), going from sex daily to nothing at all. I've stayed loyal for 4 years in my marriage, but now I'm certain it's headed to divorce sharply, considering now I absolutely can't bear the thought of accepting her back anytime soon... ack!

Also if I don't go through with it I would just end up leading on and hurting this prospective date, I may be a flirt but I'm not a player. Now I can always wear the most unfashionable clothes, rent a cheap car to look poor, eat a whole ton of baked beans, and make the date a much more humorous situation and end up with no hurt feelings sure...

But... well, we've crossed the threshold, so it is better if I jump straight back in yes?
 

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I think you know the answer to this. You mind is telling you that it is wrong. Listen to you. At the end of the day, you need to do what is best for you. If you think it is a good thing, then by all means, do it. Either way, it is a nice feeling knowing that you are desirable, though, right?
 
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Wow. She's not even moved out and you're getting numbers.

Smh.

Don't you have enough drama in your life right now? Worry about your daughter and how she'll handle this and get situated. Holy crap.
My sentiments exactly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
Ever since I was 12 I learnt how to harden up to the point no emotion can affect me. Now nearing my 30s I'm more in control of this mechanism it seems though I never realised it until it subconsciously "switched on" on D-day, it took me a while to figure out what was going on because I went from love to indifference. But now I know, and I'm using it.

What emotions I have to feel to move on, I allow myself to feel. What emotions do nothing but leave me unproductive, sad, depressed, I shut out. But that doesn't mean I'm allowing myself to be cold and ruthless, now that I'm conscious of it - it no longer drives me THAT nuts. I wrote this thread I guess... because of conscience. So I'm still feeling, but I'm choosing what to feel.

Yes, I'm staying with my daughter all night tonight and I can't sleep because she won't sleep unless I'm with her and this may be the last time she will live with both her parents under the same roof. I'm not neglecting her nor my responsibilities in this seperation. But this date, just seems like a good distraction lest I go nuts.

I don't know if I can maintain control of this mechanism 24/7 all the time.

Either way, it is a nice feeling knowing that you are desirable, though, right?
Yeah, and it also looks like I haven't lost a touch in the game even after a 7 yr relationship, 4 yr marriage.

Hell I don't know, it feels wrong yet I don't know... it's almost like I'm still loyal to my wife when there's really no longer any reason to be - and if that's it, then I have to shut that out. But if IT IS wrong, which I'm trying to find out, then I'd rather not go through with it. Actually the baked beans approach seems like a good distraction by itself, but then again, I'm HD.
 

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Well, there is a reason to remain loyal to your wife since she hasnt even left yet....good grief RD. Slow down. You dont pick up a date the day you separate!?!?!?!? Come on you know that. Do you want to tell your daughter "yes, honey daddy did have a date the same week but really this wasnt my fault...."
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Just hope your wifes family don't have a PI following you lol
It was done discretely, and was mere flirting and exchange of numbers. Unless they broke into my premises which I doubt it.

Well, there is a reason to remain loyal to your wife since she hasnt even left yet....good grief RD. Slow down. You dont pick up a date the day you separate!?!?!?!? Come on you know that. Do you want to tell your daughter "yes, honey daddy did have a date the same week but really this wasnt my fault...."
She's leaving in like... 4 hours!!!
Besides would my daughter really later hate me for that? =/
 

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It was done discretely, and was mere flirting and exchange of numbers. Unless they broke into my premises which I doubt it.



She's leaving in like... 4 hours!!!
Besides would my daughter really later hate me for that? =/
are you willing to risk the answer???? for a waitress you dont even know??? Yes she will feel sorry for MOMMY!!!!! I cant believe Ive watched you pretend to writhe in agony over your love for your wife. Yet, here it is, the demise of your marraige. And you cant even wait for the ink to dry???? I swear. Give it a rest. You arent ready to date anyone. You need to work on YOU. You need to concentrate on that little girl who cant sleep at night. Goodness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Well even my wife progressed from the "lady I don't even know". As for "pretending", did you even read my post above? I would not have even been able to go through all of this without hardening the fk up and doing what needs to be done. So do I feel I love my wife anymore? No I don't, I feel complete indifference. I will NOT allow myself to feel love for her, it is unproductive, it is depressing, and I could NOT function.

I HAVE to function. I can't allow myself to feel it, I just can't. But as for my daughter, *sighs* yeah, it's just not right. It's not worth the risk. Heck, it's probably just going to be sex with this date, but nah. I will delay this until a better time. Now is just not right. Thanks for helping me confirm it.

Ok, what is the best length of time in my case?
 

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Well even my wife progressed from the "lady I don't even know". As for "pretending", did you even read my post above? I would not have even been able to go through all of this without hardening the fk up and doing what needs to be done. So do I feel I love my wife anymore? No I don't, I feel complete indifference. I will NOT allow myself to feel love for her, it is unproductive, it is depressing, and I could NOT function.

I HAVE to function. I can't allow myself to feel it, I just can't. But as for my daughter, *sighs* yeah, it's just not right. It's not worth the risk. Heck, it's probably just going to be sex with this date, but nah. I will delay this until a better time. Now is just not right. Thanks for helping me confirm it.

Ok, what is the best length of time in my case?
When you are emotionally stable. No one is emotionally stable the day they separate from their spouse. You will know when you dont have to ask yourself IF its the right thing to do...
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Alright... looks like it's the baked beans approach then for this date. She's a nice girl I don't want her to hurt because of this, or then of course I can always just tell her what's happening, probably turn her off just as well.

A real waste though, oh well
 

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EDIT: Advice only please, not accusations/attacks.

My STBX is moving out tomorrow, and we've broke the news to our daughter, our seperation is in motion. At work today I don't know what got into me but I well... tried to cheer myself up, and managed to get a number from a casual waitress I hired cash-in-hand just for the service tonight. She was interested...

But now I wonder if I should really go through with it. Just a date right? But it just doesn't really feel right, 1 day before official seperation and I already have options. I don't think I'm ready for this, and I should really keep my flirtateous nature in check but... shouldn't there be a time before dating again during seperation?

I'm thinking of delaying this 'date' actually, it feels wrong... should it feel wrong?
You JUST separated from your wife.No,you should NOT go through with a date.It feels wrong because YOU'RE STILL MARRIED and your wife is NOT your soon to be exwife unless you're able to get a divorce within the next week or so. She's still YOUR WIFE.

I'm floored that you could even consider or think of dating when your current life just fell to pieces,your child is probably so confused and lost at this point and your focused on your flirtatious nature and dating??? Dude, you need help with getting your priorities straight. Focus on your little girl and forget about women.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I AM focused on my little girl and she's with me now, will be before my wife leaves in a few hours with her. I wasn't even focused on my nature or dating, it just happened, and I thought it would be a good distraction later on.

Sheez, can't people just post advice without accusation this and accusation that

Anyways, it's already decided last page, no I'm not going to do it for the sake of my daughter, but as for my STBX, divorce laws are different in AUS, it's a full year before divorce can be considered. So no, I don't consider her my wife anymore and I've hardened.

And no I'm not taking her back if she switches, at least not anytime soon, reasons here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/60657-any-hints-little-one.html
From post 12
 

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divorce laws are different in AUS, it's a full year before divorce can be considered. So no, I don't consider her my wife anymore and I've hardened.
A full year means NO DATING during that time...at least it means that where I got divorced. I totally get the need for distraction but if you've hardened,why do you need distracting? Your heart isn't hurting,your mind isn't suffering...you've hardened.

I think you need therapy on your own and I think you should wait a looooong time before attempting to date even casually.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
No thanks, I'm a man, and I'm HD. A full year celibate? No thanks

Once things are more settled I don't see why I shouldn't date, it's not the right time now I agree, but I disagree with waiting the full year
 
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