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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, my H cheated on me, I asked him to move out, he refused for a couple months and finally left. He has been out of the house for 13 weeks. He doesn't do anything to try and win me back, nor does he have much to do with the kids other than attending their sat morning meets. I need to move on but I am having a very hard time with it. I think that in addition to loving the "old" him, being devastated that this is now my life, part of it is that I want him to want me. He is very lost. My question is, why does everyone push to file for D right away? I know Ineed to gi that route but don't want to regret anything in this life. I guess, I'm scared. I hate my reality. I need to stop talking to him bc it makes it impossible to pull away but every time I try to do the 180, something happens that demands I talk to him. Please help me understand what I am supposed to do.
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So, my H cheated on me, I asked him to move out, he refused for a couple months and finally left. He has been out of the house for 13 weeks. He doesn't do anything to try and win me back, nor does he have much to do with the kids other than attending their sat morning meets. I need to move on but I am having a very hard time with it. I think that in addition to loving the "old" him, being devastated that this is now my life, part of it is that I want him to want me. He is very lost. My question is, why does everyone push to file for D right away? I know Ineed to gi that route but don't want to regret anything in this life. I guess, I'm scared. I hate my reality. I need to stop talking to him bc it makes it impossible to pull away but every time I try to do the 180, something happens that demands I talk to him. Please help me understand what I am supposed to do.
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For m personally, I filed for divorce because he was wrong. He betrayed me worse than I have ever been betrayed. I am not going to condone his affair and let him believe what he did was okay. If he wants his AP he can have her. I am not fighting for someone who was so willing to hurt several people (including his own family) to get "his needs" taken care of. I am not worrying about regretting this...how can people ever learn from their mistakes, if they don't lose something in the process.
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Kaya knows very well the sting of betrayal. Imperfetmomma, If there was a glimmer of hope we would be advising other means.

Fact is, serving him with a divorce petition CAN have the same effect as striking him with a 2x4. Divorce can take a few months. You don't have to rush it. At the moment he is disrespecting you and has effectively abandoned his family. You can't condone that.

Divorce papers can be a sobering weapon. Understand this: served papers are effective and tangible. Threats of divorce are meaningless.
 

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What I have learned from my failure was, it is simply tough love.

As was mentioned already. He needs to know that his actions mean something and that he has to do something to fix them.

The reality is if he does nothing then he doesn't want to be there so getting a divorce for filing at least doesn't matter because he wants out anyways.

Sadly it is like a staring contest and your and him are waiting to see who blinks. Unfortunately if you blink you will NEVER be fixed. He will NEVER be fixed. He will know he can do this again without any fears.

But if you hit him swift and hard and crush his rebellion. He won't look to do this again, because he will remember what a bit.ch slap he got the first time around.

Again its hard doing the 180.. I failed at it. Sadly this is why I am getting divorced. Well its part of it at least.

You really need to be tough at this, again tougher then I was at least.
 

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Kaya knows very well the sting of betrayal. Imperfetmomma, If there was a glimmer of hope we would be advising other means.

Fact is, serving him with a divorce petition CAN have the same effect as striking him with a 2x4. Divorce can take a few months. You don't have to rush it. At the moment he is disrespecting you and has effectively abandoned his family. You can't condone that.

Divorce papers can be a sobering weapon. Understand this: served papers are effective and tangible. Threats of divorce are meaningless.

I would follow this advice...walkonmars, has helped me a lot...
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the answers. I guess I'm just scared. I'm scared to have to be financially independent (he doesn't touch his paychecks, tells me to tell him what he can have and I appreciate that very much), I'm scared to let go of the life I had, I worry about how my kids will do, just everything. I know I need to move on, I know it but jeez. It's really hard to give up someone that you truly thought was your best friend and supposed to be with till the day you died. I guess even though I believe D will be the end consequence, I have a hard time filing. It feels like I am signing my own death warrant in a way. If I do it, I am officially a single mother with no one to help me.
 

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Thanks for the answers. I guess I'm just scared. I'm scared to have to be financially independent (he doesn't touch his paychecks, tells me to tell him what he can have and I appreciate that very much), I'm scared to let go of the life I had, I worry about how my kids will do, just everything. I know I need to move on, I know it but jeez. It's really hard to give up someone that you truly thought was your best friend and supposed to be with till the day you died. I guess even though I believe D will be the end consequence, I have a hard time filing. It feels like I am signing my own death warrant in a way. If I do it, I am officially a single mother with no one to help me.
Momma,
The worst that can happen is what is happening right now. It'll be a bit better IF the divorce goes through. At least then you will not be in a state of perpetual limbo.

You will not be on welfare. You are in good health. Your kids are in good health. You can find a lot of reasons to fall to your knees and thank your lord.

Thank him for being born in this country, for having wonder kids, for having health. About 85% of the world's population of about 5 billion people would happily trade places with you today in a flash. So those are positives.

When your husband is served with divorce papers he will read in black and white what is about to happen. That can be very sobering. It's one thing to fantasize and another to see in black and white - reality.

I'm not saying this will turn him around. But If he is ever going to turn around - this is one of the BIG signposts. If he accepts the petition then he was truly OUT of the marriage and there was no hope.

I'm very sorry that you are in such a state of anguish. But these are the worst days. Better days are ahead.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
walkonmars- You are right. I am incredibly blessed in so many ways. I thank God everyday for the blessings in my life.

I am so thankful for everyone that gives me advice and also my counselor. He said something last night that really just smacked me in the face. He said, "If this isn't your final line, what is?" Meaning, what would it take for me to move on (and take care of myself) if I have already dealt with someone that lied to ridiculous amounts, cheated on me 3 times in our relationship and did the last time during a time that both of my parents were dying. Things got really bad 11 months ago and I found out he was cheating 9 months ago. Since then, the only thing he has done that is awesome is the money part, otherwise, he has made no positive changes. I can't and won't live like this anymore....no matter how much it hurts to move on.
 
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