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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ive been dating her for 2 years this summer. We both have boys the same age and they have an on/off getting along relationship. Ive been divocred/seperated 2.5 years this summer and she's not far behind. She is a NEAT freak. I mean, her house is like a model home and Im not the best at keeping up on cleaning and such and she has anxiety about us arguing about that. I worry about the boys and how to deal with bills.
Do any of you here have a Cohabitaion Agreement??
I make a lot more than her but thats not my fault. I dont know what is right or wrong here. I have major scarring and trust issues about relationships bc of a divorce. I dont want to pay the "Lions share", then after 5 years, if it doesnt work out, then oh well, Im out the money for daily living expenses??
I feel like the bills should be 50/50 regardless of who makes more. Its not my problem that I make more, or am I being a jerk??
 

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I think you have to do what's best for the two of you. Can she afford half. Is that more than her current living expenses?? Just as its not your fault you make more is it her fault she makes less?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
she still has about 16 months of "Use and Possesion" at her current house free of a mortgage, but when she moves out, she would get about the same in child support. It would cost her more to rent a basement from someone in our area than to split bills with me. She has mentioned that it doesnt seem fair that i would be builing a good savings and she would be paycheck to paycheck under either scenerio. I kind of feel that her financail problems should not be mine bc we are not married. It does feel awkward but I dont know how to come up with a fair deal. If I give her a huge break on bills, then in a couple years, she moves out, I will be pissed.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me (kind of thing).
Any advice is appreciated
 

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I think if you're this concerned about it not working you shouldn't move in together at all. It sounds like you have a very negative attitude about it. Maybe you all can reach a compromise at 1/3 2/3 split but not if you're going to hold it over her head.
 

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she still has about 16 months of "Use and Possesion" at her current house free of a mortgage, but when she moves out, she would get about the same in child support. It would cost her more to rent a basement from someone in our area than to split bills with me.
In saying this ...you would think this would be the best option for her even if it is split 50/50.... maybe she should not be pushing for more.

She has mentioned that it doesnt seem fair that i would be builing a good savings and she would be paycheck to paycheck under either scenerio. I kind of feel that her financail problems should not be mine bc we are not married.
sounds like she is guilt tripping you here .... depending on what kind of spender she is , and you are... this could be a major contention down the road. And how you view your marital duties vs not being married -you both have a different view in the financial obligations.... It needs further talked over .

It does feel awkward but I dont know how to come up with a fair deal. If I give her a huge break on bills, then in a couple years, she moves out, I will be pissed.
I am of the belief..one should only do what they feel out of their heart...and have a peace with...as to not have regrets later if the worst does happen. You are not there yet.. so don't do it. Otherwise you may seethe every month when you pay more than you feel you should. This may lift in time -if your trust grows with her... but it's not there right now.

Clear expectations and an agreement needs to be talked about here, and an acceptance on both sides so no one builds resentment. If this can't be achieved without hurt feelings, then the move in should not happen.
 

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Is the issue (for her) the possibility that she's going to live paycheck to paycheck for a long time to come (maybe forever) unless she finds someone to help support her?

If it is, then the question you need to consider is if you want to be that person who rescues her whether you are married to her or living with her.

It isn't only cheating that breaks up marriages. It's financial matters as well.

You have time. Wait awhile.
 

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In saying this ...you would think this would be the best option for her even if it is split 50/50.... maybe she should not be pushing for more.

sounds like she is guilt tripping you here .... depending on what kind of spender she is , and you are... this could be a major contention down the road. And how you view your marital duties vs not being married -you both have a different view in the financial obligations.... It needs further talked over .


I am of the belief..one should only do what they feel out of their heart...and have a peace with...as to not have regrets later if the worst does happen. You are not there yet.. so don't do it. Otherwise you may seethe every month when you pay more than you feel you should. This may lift in time -if your trust grows with her... but it's not there right now.

Clear expectations and an agreement needs to be talked about here, and an acceptance on both sides so no one builds resentment. If this can't be achieved without hurt feelings, then the move in should not happen.
I agree with SimplyAmorous,you already are having reservations
about this situation.

Better to live by yourself then get into
another bad relationship.Listen to that little internal voice,it's
already warning you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I agree with everyone,,, that an agreement that is satisfactory needs to be in-place. I know she will pay half and ACT like its ok but I know reesentment will build. I think that we should not move in for at least another 6 months and see how the conversations go. Since she has a son and I have a son, I know that our Wills will most likely state that our kids get each others assests,, so its a different scenerio when you are bringing in other kids. Your basically working together but keeping seperate accounts and leaving each other very little bc you want your blood to get your assets in the end. At least thats how I hear it goes. Its scary and new and not exciting like I though it should be
 

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Be neighbors. Separate homes but close to each other. That way you have separate finances and don't have to fight about the neatness of your home. You can still be together as much as you want, but be apart when you need to. Best of both worlds.
 

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Are you looking for a roomate or someone to begin a lifetime relationship with? Have you checked her teeth?

If this is the way you are approaching moving in together make sure you both have the same objectives and understandings.

Seasalt
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I understand the "Lifetime: comment but was married 17 years and you learn or have deep scars that never heal. Its foolish to think that people dont change. I dont see why a 50/50, each pays there way is wrong. I just feel that I cant win bc I make a substantial amount more than her. I do need to get back on my feet bc the divorce took me from millionare to having 3k in the bank. Im starting out new again and I lost it all bc of a women and yes I think its valid to be scared that another women can change and take it all again.
Thats what makes this so difficult
 

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You guys could add all income and expenditures and break everything down to an exact percentage, based on income. I don't think you should be with her if you don't trust her though...
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
LdyVenus,
With all due respect, how can anyone trust these days. People change, and most people divorce at some point (so the statistics say) and I cant be the only person to have difficulties coming up with a "move-in" plan. I think when you each have a kid, its difficult enough. Money makes it more difficult.
I just think that at our ages, its just not my fault that Ive done well and she hasnt. I love her very much, and want to think positive but keep my feet on the ground about reality
 

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if you do get married, your finances would most likely be shared, so I would move in with her only if there's like a 95% chance it will work out.

Since you're making more than her, would it be a burden to pay most of the bills because you love her and hope that it works out? And if it doesn't work out, I wouldn't consider it losing the money, but that you took a chance on love and it didn't work out.

What if you paid for the rent or mortgage and she paid the utilities/cable bill, or figure it out so that she's not stressed and living paycheck to paycheck. What would she feel comfortable with? Would you be resentful if it's anything other than 50/50. Since you will be one unit now, it doesn't seem right for one person to be stressed for money, and the other person financially stable and comfortable.

Although, as Openminded said, financial issues can break up a marriage.

If she's a neat freak, I think a cleaning service would have to be something you figure on paying for, since it sounds like you are not as fanatical as her and could never clean up to her expectations.

It's very smart that you're hashing out these issues now. Unless and until you are at total peace with who is financially responsible for what, and would be at peace if it doesn't work out, only then should you move in together.
 

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Your relationships have been on and off. You have scars from your other relationship....and from the divorce. Now you're concerned about your finances if you cohabit with her.
I say...don't think about moving in.
You're just going to walk into another nightmare.
You two have problems now (on and off relationship) it's just going to get worse when you move in with her.
 

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Why would you move in together in the first place? What is the reason for wanting to do that?

It doesn't sound to me like moving in together would do anything but breed discord, discontent and resentment.

Why not keep things as is?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
if you do get married, your finances would most likely be shared, so I would move in with her only if there's like a 95% chance it will work out.

Since you're making more than her, would it be a burden to pay most of the bills because you love her and hope that it works out? And if it doesn't work out, I wouldn't consider it losing the money, but that you took a chance on love and it didn't work out.

What if you paid for the rent or mortgage and she paid the utilities/cable bill, or figure it out so that she's not stressed and living paycheck to paycheck. What would she feel comfortable with? Would you be resentful if it's anything other than 50/50. Since you will be one unit now, it doesn't seem right for one person to be stressed for money, and the other person financially stable and comfortable.

Although, as Openminded said, financial issues can break up a marriage.

If she's a neat freak, I think a cleaning service would have to be something you figure on paying for, since it sounds like you are not as fanatical as her and could never clean up to her expectations.

It's very smart that you're hashing out these issues now. Unless and until you are at total peace with who is financially responsible for what, and would be at peace if it doesn't work out, only then should you move in together.
tHANK YOU. yES YOU ARE RIGHT. Unless we have an agreement about duties and money, then we shouldnt. Im just feeling kinda weird bc I never talked about money with my ex-wife. We both made a lot and did whatever, NEVER an issue. With my girlfrind, Im in a new place and its uncomfortable, financially at least
 

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I may be wrong, Rep, but it doesn't sound like you REALLY want to move in with this woman. Even less that you consider marrying her...

On the $$ issue : you say you make more than her. How much more? Like, a lot more ? Or slighty more? If I had a bf who earned double my wage or had his own business, I would be resentful that he makes me split 50/50...I mean, he has plenty, I struggle, why doesn't he help me ? But if the difference is minor, and it is already convenient for her to move with you, then 50/50 should be ok. Nevertheless, this ok living arrangement reads to me: " I'm not planning on marrying her".

The other thing to take into consideration: her being a cleaning freak, you rather negligent. I have lived with cleaning freaks roomates and trust me, they can be a hell of a nuisance to live with, especially if you're more of the disorganized type. Then there are the kids, who'll make a lot of mess, and have their particular needs...

If you're not 100% serious about this woman, you shouldn't make this step...my opinion.
 

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LdyVenus,
With all due respect, how can anyone trust these days. People change, and most people divorce at some point (so the statistics say) and I cant be the only person to have difficulties coming up with a "move-in" plan. I think when you each have a kid, its difficult enough. Money makes it more difficult.
I just think that at our ages, its just not my fault that Ive done well and she hasnt. I love her very much, and want to think positive but keep my feet on the ground about reality
Wait.
 
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