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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Title says it all. Less then 2 months ago, my wife had asked me to considering moving to the west coast for her happiness and depression. I finally caved and agreed, reluctantly, as I have no desire to live away from our home. We have 2 school age children who both seemed excited of the prospects of living near the ocean. When we discussed this move the idea was it would be temporary. I was able to get my boss to allow remote work for the time being. We still keep a family home in the Midwest.

fast forward 6 weeks from the date we moved and I’m told she is no longer happy and that she wants a divorce. Now I’m stuck in a city I hate, with no friends or family. Its Honestly crushing. Now comes the kicker…. Because I willingly moved my children here and enrolled them into school. at First glance from a conversation with a lawyer friend I may have screwed myself by doing so. I want nothing more then to take the kids and go back home. however she is not on board with that. She wants them to stay here with her. Both kids enjoy it here.but 1 would likely want to go back if given the option.

the idea of having to live out here on my own is unbearable. High cost makes it nearly impossible. I’ll be the one who’s moving out and highly doubt I can live anywhere near my children. I have no friends or family. It destroys me.

She tries to say how it’s my decision where I live. Do I go back home to our house? Do I find some dump apartment 30 minutes away(if I’m lucky) that I can hardly afford. But it’s not my choice I have no real options. I’m worried living here under these conditions is going to mentally destroy me. But so will being a parent who sees them on the weekends or being a summer dad….

just need some advice. Maybe someone’s been through something like this.
 

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I fear your lawyer friend is correct. Jurisdiction of child custody rests on the head of the children so you will have to fight for them there.

You are between a rock & a hard place. I am so sorry she pulled this on you. How mean but you have to know it as deliberate. This way she got to move & keep her kids. If she divorced you there she would not have been allowed to move out of state with them.
 

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Title says it all. Less then 2 months ago, my wife had asked me to considering moving to the west coast for her happiness and depression. I finally caved and agreed, reluctantly, as I have no desire to live away from our home. We have 2 school age children who both seemed excited of the prospects of living near the ocean. When we discussed this move the idea was it would be temporary. I was able to get my boss to allow remote work for the time being. We still keep a family home in the Midwest.

fast forward 6 weeks from the date we moved and I’m told she is no longer happy and that she wants a divorce. Now I’m stuck in a city I hate, with no friends or family. Its Honestly crushing. Now comes the kicker…. Because I willingly moved my children here and enrolled them into school. at First glance from a conversation with a lawyer friend I may have screwed myself by doing so. I want nothing more then to take the kids and go back home. however she is not on board with that. She wants them to stay here with her. Both kids enjoy it here.but 1 would likely want to go back if given the option.

the idea of having to live out here on my own is unbearable. High cost makes it nearly impossible. I’ll be the one who’s moving out and highly doubt I can live anywhere near my children. I have no friends or family. It destroys me.

She tries to say how it’s my decision where I live. Do I go back home to our house? Do I find some dump apartment 30 minutes away(if I’m lucky) that I can hardly afford. But it’s not my choice I have no real options. I’m worried living here under these conditions is going to mentally destroy me. But so will being a parent who sees them on the weekends or being a summer dad….

just need some advice. Maybe someone’s been through something like this.
Dude, what are you doing? I'm sorry you are in this situation, but it seems like you never learn your lesson. I looked at your other posts and this has been a pattern. I'm pretty sure your wife just duped you into moving knowing she would leave you AGAIN. If you go back home you will lose custody of your children.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Dude, what are you doing? I'm sorry you are in this situation, but it seems like you never learn your lesson. I looked at your other posts and this has been a pattern. I'm pretty sure your wife just duped you into moving knowing she would leave you AGAIN. If you go back home you will lose custody of your children.
Your right. I clearly didn’t. We were split up for 1.5 years and then we rekindled our marriage. It was kind of out of nowhere, after doing something together for the kids one day. Things were great for multiple years.

whether I ignored the signs or what, I don’t know. But here I am, like an idiot who thought he was doing the right thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
How old are the children? Do they know their mum wants a divorce?
My kids will be 10 & 12 this summer. They know that we’re not in a good spot. Sleeping in separate rooms now. I want to tell the kids, but she’s insistent we know what is next for the kids. Whether I’m moving out back home, trying to find a place local, etc. I feel they should know now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I fear your lawyer friend is correct. Jurisdiction of child custody rests on the head of the children so you will have to fight for them there.

You are between a rock & a hard place. I am so sorry she pulled this on you. How mean but you have to know it as deliberate. This way she got to move & keep her kids. If she divorced you there she would not have been allowed to move out of state with them.
Deep down I know this has to be true. She swears up and down it wasn’t, but the coincidence is just too perfect.
 

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Sounds like she had been planning this for a long time. She probably got this strategic advice from an attorney. She also used you as a resource to get established where she wanted to be.

I bet if you do some digging into phone records, social media, and browsing history. You will find that she has a new love interest in the area you moved to..... You are a victim of a very deceptive and intelligent spouse. I would seriously freeze all accounts, your credit, withdraw all money from accounts, and put any property that is important to you into an undisclosed storage unit ASAP. Depending on the age of the children, tell them what is going on. Also inform her family of what has happened before she spins it to her version if she hasn't already done so.

Record any encounters with her, stay calm and focused no matter how hostile she becomes around you. She will probably try to build a case that you are a physical/mental abuser.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Is this the same wife who did the same thing to you 7 years ago? You must be feeling rather like Charlie Brown with the football.
Same one. I realize I’m a moron who thought maybe I was doing something good for her because that’s what a caring spouse would do.

the idea of having to live here broke(financially)and isolated from everyone and everything that matters in my life kills me. It makes me question doing things for others, and just looking out for myself.
 

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My kids will be 10 & 12 this summer. They know that we’re not in a good spot. Sleeping in separate rooms now. I want to tell the kids, but she’s insistent we know what is next for the kids. Whether I’m moving out back home, trying to find a place local, etc. I feel they should know now.
Stop worrying about what she thinks and what she wants to do. Be your own man and do what you think is right.
 

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It won't be the same but you can zoom & facetime your kids. You can fly out to meet them & be the fun dad, taking them to the beach. Maybe you can get big chunks of holiday time -- mid December to mid January & all of the summer. But you should not have to be miserable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
At this point screw what she wants Talk to your kids & ask what they want. Point blank -- do they want to live here with mom or move back home with dad.
I know that it’s split 50/50. My 10 year old would go back tomorrow if I offered. But my 12 year old has grown attached to her new friends. She does NOT want to move back.
The idea of splitting the children up is something I don’t know I could do, or that it’s even right. But the wife came back to me and said I could take the kids home for summer, but they are coming back for school no matter what. “She’s the mother and has there best interests in mind”. Better opportunities here and school. Which I strongly disagree with. Both locations have top notch schools and universities.
I’m not sure I’d even win a custody battle considering I agreed to move, and enrolled the children here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
It won't be the same but you can zoom & facetime your kids. You can fly out to meet them & be the fun dad, taking them to the beach. Maybe you can get big chunks of holiday time -- mid December to mid January & all of the summer. But you should not have to be miserable.
I know it’s an option, but Being the one who “leaves” my childrens day to day life feels like abandonment. I would never want them to think that. Or that they aren’t important enough for me to stay.

I’ve always been extremely involved with them. Coaching my sons sports teams, driving the kids to activities. Cooking dinner. Etc.
 

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This is definitely something you need a lawyer for. Consult with several, who specialize in family law and mobility, not just a random friend who may not even be in that subfield.

But it sounds to me like she moved you out west on false pretenses, and is now manipulating you to leave her there with the kids, probably what she actually wanted from the start. Her out there with the kids, and you out of the picture.

You said it was intended to be temporary though, and that you kept the original family home? That might save you. You could move the kids back there, calling the move out west a failed experiment as it did not accomplish what it was intended to do, and that your original home is still the kids' established residence.

You move the kids back home, and then it is your wife's choice if she wants to move back or not. They are yours as much as they are hers, so she doesn't get to automatically keep them and make you choose to leave them or not.

And the kids absolutely do not get any say in where they live. They are adolescents. You and their mother, or a court if you can't agree, make those decisions for them. Your daughter's new friends of six weeks cannot take precedence over the rest of the issues!
 

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Oh my, I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Your wife sounds extremely manipulative and fooled you into moving out there, getting established and then dropping the bomb. I don’t have any advice for you, except to see a lawyer(and a shark lawyer at that) and I would fight her hard (and just for the record, I am a woman). I am outraged by her behavior.
 

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You're screwed. No doubts about that. You did not learn, so that's that.

Nothing you can do now. Divorce is a given; go back, or stay those are you choices either way you lose. Try to get the best possible outcome in the divorce settlement, that's your reality.
 

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Same one. I realize I’m a moron who thought maybe I was doing something good for her because that’s what a caring spouse would do.

the idea of having to live here broke(financially)and isolated from everyone and everything that matters in my life kills me. It makes me question doing things for others, and just looking out for myself.
What’s that saying? No good deed goes unpunished. 😔 But seriously though, don’t feel bad that you loved someone that much. It speaks to your integrity. It speaks to how selfless you were and you thought it would improve your marriage. Hope is a risky thing, sometimes.

Can’t undo what’s done but hopefully, the divorce settlement will be somewhat favorable for you.
 
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