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Discussion Starter #1
I mourn for how I have treated myself, and how I have allowed myself to be treated. Sometimes I wish I had never let any man touch me, but sometimes I know that without them, I would have nothing, but then still, on the other hand, I feel like I am in the negatives (of whatever IT is). Its like nothingness magnified to near blinding and deafening levels. I know that doesn't make sense.

I keep coming back here in hopes to get some sort of answer, some insight, something that makes sense and clicks for me. I keep coming up with the answer that there is no answer (or maybe its just so loud and clear that I can't see it for what it is), this is just the way it is for me, its my path in life.

I can't help but to hope that there must be something more for me. I have SO much love in me to share. Every day I think "My god, I am a wonderful woman, and here I am just going to waste!" Its so true. I cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that there truly might not be anyone in this world for me, that I am destined to walk this world alone.
 

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First and foremost, you have to forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you think you may have made in the past. And I do not believe that who I used to be is my destiny for the future. You CAN change and right all those wrongs you feel you did.....or you feel were made against you. I made some seriously stupid decisions in my last relationship (moved too quickly, stayed too long, etc) and I still beat myself up over it some days but those days are coming fewer and farther between. And I remind myself that I walked away with a lesson learned and I will do my best not to repeat those behaviors. I will see the red flags more clearer next time.

So, ok, it sucks that we have to learn our lessons the hard way sometimes but the good news is that we walk away with a lesson learned. It may come at a cost but at the end of the day it is priceless!

We, you and I, are NOT destined to be alone. We have as much right to find true love and happiness as someone who has walked through life doing everything right. It may take us longer to get there but when we do we'll be able to appreciate it so much more!
 

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You'll never be truly alone unless you choose to completely isolate your self

You seem to have some unresolved issues in your life that sound like you could use some counseling to get through. Please also know that if you are blamimg yourself for some of these issues, it's also OK to forgive yourself too!
 

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You will be ok.
You are not alone.
This too shall pass. It will.
Breathe. Let yourself feel it. After you feel it, feel it pass.
Then you can do something.
Rinse and repeat.
The "something" you can do, will change. It'll be more than it is today.
And the s**t you have to feel, that'll change too. It may be less.
But make sure that after you let yourself feel it, you do something.
Today maybe it's take a walk. Maybe next week it'll be speak your mind. Maybe after that it'll be to leave. Maybe not.
Start with having compassion for whatever is aching in you. Start there.
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Your screen name is distinct so I remember some of what you had posted on another thread. From what I recall you seem to have had a distinctive set of life experiences and while you have gone through a lot you seem to be a very interesting person.

The simplest thing I ever heard about relationships, which I've watched enough to verify that it seems like sound advice, is to get yourself healthy and happy and you will attract healthy and happy people. If you are unhealthy you will attract the wrong people.

People watch a bit, it is often amazing who ends up having relationships. I think everyone can find someone if they are open minded and looking from a healthy place.
Cheers
 

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Discussion Starter #7
The problem is that I keep letting myself be used for sexual gratification, and nothing more. At least this last man was kind enough to vocalize it, but I didn't care, because this particular time, at least it was a man who I care(d) for and respect(ed). In the moment its great, we share that experience, I feel like they are leaving a part of them with me, as I with them. Later, reality sets in, I see how the scales are tipped. Those lucky bastards who leave with so much.

If I knew what to do to change, I would. Truth be told, its been 8 years since I have had any sort of relationship, and even that was just so I could see what it was like to have a boyfriend, it wasn't that I really liked him, or that he even liked me. Since then I got sick of being used for free, so I decided to only have sex for $$$, and that went really well, except every time I walked away safely, I felt like my chances of that happening again were quickly dropping. I started to get really bad anxiety, to the point of being physically ill, even when going to see a repeat guy. So I stopped doing that. The anxiety actually carried over to just any kind of sex. I have gotten over that in the last couple years, though as you can imagine, its not been easy to do without a partner. Its been insanely nerve wracking, trying to figure out who will be ok to share my secrets with. Thankfully, so far, I have picked wisely (as far as I know, nothing has come back to bite me yet). I say I picked wisely, but really, its just that I picked guys who wouldn't give a ****, because it wasn't ever about me anyway, I could have been anyone, so I guess thats not really picking wisely.

I know, it sounds just inherently ****ed up, and trust me, thats exactly how I feel.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
PM1 I do spend a fair amount of time people watching. It seems like there are just so many well matched people out there. I see these beautiful women with their handsome men, I see less stereotypically beautiful people who found each other, and mixes of both as well. I wonder if they both know just how lucky they are, I hope that they both appreciate each other. I know couples who could be so great together, and need each other so much, but they just are always missing the mark and fight so badly. It breaks my heart for them, and yet, I am still insanely jealous of them. I actually feel really mad at couples who fight. I feel like they are being spoiled little brats who can't see what an amazing thing they have together.

While I accept that I may have never lived my life in a "normal healthy" way, I have certainly had much happiness with myself. I have so much of my life that I am so proud about right now too. Its so hard for me to put to words, but I feel like, how long can I go without having any sort of reflection from the outside world that I am worth it. Thats not even it really, but I am really craving some positive feedback from someone that I am OK and worth it, and that is something that I Have never had, and I don't know how to make myself stop wanting it.
 

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Ibhfa,

Please know that you ARE worth it! Every single one of is IS worth something!

You seem to be a very articulate and a deep thinker but I fear your thoughts could lead you down a dark path at this point.

It seems you've spent most of your life letting people use you. Again I am going to say that you need some help trying to figure out why this is so. It's not too late! Get started and get yourself on track and then I am sure other good things will follow!

Keep posting. We're listening!
 

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I'm not sure you should stop wanting what you want, but I have this feeling that when you get to a point where you are comfortable and that want seems less intense, and you are even more ok with yourself, that is when something (someone) good may sneak up. Maybe that seems crazy, but I'm strange like that.

I think life deals some harsh hands to people, some more than others. Some people end up beaten down by it and others just seem to be more complex and interesting as they weather the storms. You seem to lean toward being someone with an amazing story and a lot going for you. Finding a healthy, confident man to see that may be hard, but it sure seems like a worthwhile pursuit. I have to say that staying positive while you look for that right one must be difficult. Keep it up though. You deserve it.
 
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