Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 30 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone,

I have been having difficulty with my mother in law since the time we got married about 2 years ago, and I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. My mother in law, buys us tons of foods (veggies, fruits, random household items) on sale and gives to my hubby when he visits her every weekend. Not only that, she cooks enough dinners for 5 days and gives them to my hubby to take home. This has been going on since the beginning of our marriage.

Now, I want to cook for my hubby, buy our household things ourselves, and essentially build our own little cozy nest for my hubby and me, our own little world. It is really hard to do with my mother in law sending tons of stuff every darn Sunday!!

First of all, is this even something you would consider normal? I have tried talking to my husband many times about this, but it he isn't very receptive about my objection. He thinks that since his mother uses coupons and buys things on super sale, it is good for us that she is saving money. But, honestly, my hubby and I are in our late 30s, and I think we need space from his mother, to form our own shopping routines and see what methods work best for our weekly schedules and needs.

In addition, I strongly object to his mom sending us cooked food enough for 5 dinners! I feel that by doing this she is really crossing boundaries. As a couple, I want us to have our own little traditions and customs, little things that happen when you grow and share life together as a couple. For example, have special sunday night meal menu. Or a little something special to surprise him during the week. How is that possible if he always feels obliged to eat his mom's food?

We have had several arguments over this. Last Sunday, my hubby was really busy, and told his mom that he would be unable to visit her and that she shouldn't worry about food etc. And guess what she did! She drove all the way in pouring rain to us with 5 cooked dinners for the week! I want to cook for my own family and want my husband to eat it! My husband does like my food and I have been complimented by his friends as well.

BUT, my husband makes sure to eat his mom's food when she brings, and which she does without fail. Its been 2 years! Im frustrated. How do I enforce some boundaries.

Greatful for all or any advice from you all,

Thanks!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,634 Posts
Have you ever seen the movie "Throw Momma From The Train"???

I honestly wouldn't be able to tolerate what you have to deal with. Your H should respect your wishes and he should be the one setting boundaries with his Mom. Maybe start off small, see if he can get his Mom to drop down to 1-2x a month instead of every Sunday.

How is your relationship with his Mom otherwise? Is she overstepping her boundaries in other areas?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
170 Posts
Apparently your husband is either ignoring his marriage vows or lied when he promised to Leave-and-Cleave and Forsake-all-others. He is putting his mommy and her pweshus feewings before you. He is married to his mommy and you are simply his booty call.

The next time he brings home mommy's cooking, dump them in the trash, containers and all. Tell him you two are grown adults who are married, to each other, and you will NOT allow another woman to interfere with your marriage.

You two need marriage counseling NOW but NOT with one of those happy-families-at-all-costs type of therapists.

If your husband refuses this, you have to tell him you cannot be married to a boy who is married to his mommy. I would find it repulsive to be intimate with a man/boy who puts his mommy first.

IamSomebody
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,263 Posts
I have HUGE issues with my inlaws, especially MIL, so full disclosure and all...BUT...what is the spirit in which these dinners are being given to you? Do you both work full time and she's trying to be helpful and ease your load a bit?

OR is she doing it in the spirit of "making sure her baby boy is looked after"?

The answer to that will determine how you should put some boundaries in place - and I absolutely agree that boundaries are needed here.

There are nice MIL's out there apparently, I just landed Satan's daughter as mine! Rofl!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Hi Frusdil, I have plenty of time to cook for my husband and in fact do cook for him. But she delivers her meals anyway. She knows I have time. And we haven't asked for help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
460 Posts
You married a momma's boy. He was always a momma's boy. Not sure what made you think that would change after marriage.

Time to put your foot down. Tell your husband to ask his mommy to stop, or you will. Next time his mommy drops off food, toss it away and make your own meals. Let your husband pout all he wants. Take control of your household. Right now, you're not being assertive so your husband isn't taking you seriously.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,323 Posts
You married a momma's boy. He was always a momma's boy. Not sure what made you think that would change after marriage.

Time to put your foot down. Tell your husband to ask his mommy to stop, or you will. Next time his mommy drops off food, toss it away and make your own meals. Let your husband pout all he wants. Take control of your household. Right now, you're not being assertive so your husband isn't taking you seriously.
This is one of those situations that I advocate a "bit" of a softer approach. She can be VERY assertive in her own mind first. Make the hard decision that she intends to shift this tide, but on the outside I would do it in a way that preserves all the bonds with such a supportive family. When my H and I first met his parents were and are very generous people. Well, I came out of a background where money comes with strings attached as does affection. So, my trust level is almost non existent, but I could also tell that if I didn't handle things with a soft stick that I would harm my relationship with my MIL who has a big heart and definitely wanted us to be successful as a couple. So, I handled it with a MUCH softer stick. It could be very well that this MIL wants to take the pressure off her daughter in law, which was the case in our home, as much as she wants to feed her son. She gained a daughter, didn't lose a son. So, though this DEFINITELY needs to make a transition... and yes, I know it's already been two years, but do it in a clear, methodical but KIND way. Your husband needs to be brought on board that you want to be the Queen of your home and take care of your family and his mother is not allowing her to take on that mantle and that both she and he need to allow that transition. I recommend letting her know to reduce the amount of food she cooks, ask her to focus on their own needs, ask her to take a week off... and just keep doing those things until she is more in line. IF she won't back off THEN draw a hard line, but I see much more wiggle room to ease her into it instead of knocking her back into it.

jmo
 
  • Like
Reactions: Seasong

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,388 Posts
It's not normal. It's bizarre.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Although untrue, but you and your MIL are both trying to get there the same way.

What is the real path to your husband's heart? You need to find this out and get there... If it is these "acts of service"... then you do have a problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,201 Posts
It may be as simple as asking her to stop doing this, so you can create your own traditions and cooking skills. She probably thinks she's being helpful, that you are busy, and that there aren't any issues. Hopefully she'll understand and go along with this.

If that doesn't work, ask you husband to not accept the food. If he won't, then freeze it and make your own meals for him. If that doesn't work (he won't eat yours, but will thaw hers), throw out her food and make your own. And if that doesn't work, throw him out! (j/k)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
460 Posts
This is one of those situations that I advocate a "bit" of a softer approach. She can be VERY assertive in her own mind first. Make the hard decision that she intends to shift this tide, but on the outside I would do it in a way that preserves all the bonds with such a supportive family. When my H and I first met his parents were and are very generous people. Well, I came out of a background where money comes with strings attached as does affection. So, my trust level is almost non existent, but I could also tell that if I didn't handle things with a soft stick that I would harm my relationship with my MIL who has a big heart and definitely wanted us to be successful as a couple. So, I handled it with a MUCH softer stick. It could be very well that this MIL wants to take the pressure off her daughter in law, which was the case in our home, as much as she wants to feed her son. She gained a daughter, didn't lose a son. So, though this DEFINITELY needs to make a transition... and yes, I know it's already been two years, but do it in a clear, methodical but KIND way. Your husband needs to be brought on board that you want to be the Queen of your home and take care of your family and his mother is not allowing her to take on that mantle and that both she and he need to allow that transition. I recommend letting her know to reduce the amount of food she cooks, ask her to focus on their own needs, ask her to take a week off... and just keep doing those things until she is more in line. IF she won't back off THEN draw a hard line, but I see much more wiggle room to ease her into it instead of knocking her back into it.

jmo
The problem isn't the MIL, it's her momma's boy husband. He is the one enabling everything and who she needs to be firm with. She's got another thread where her husband wants to "hire" his mommy as their house keeper. If she doesn't put her foot down with him, he will continue his unhealthy behavior.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,323 Posts
The problem isn't the MIL, it's her momma's boy husband. He is the one enabling everything and who she needs to be firm with. She's got another thread where her husband wants to "hire" his mommy as their house keeper. If she doesn't put her foot down with him, he will continue his unhealthy behavior.
uh oh... headed to take a look.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,323 Posts
Ok... here is the issue with these type situations... he allows her this kind of access because he trusts her. Where as the trust in a new marriage is in the process of being built but isn't 100% there yet. Its why so many of these guys have a hard time cutting out their mothers because they end up feeling vulnerable with this new untrusted territory. This is a spot that if not handled right will damage his trust in you. You will actually drive him TO her and create long standing problems. So my first advice is to be very mindful of how you proceed because he is in this trench deep. Don't unnecessarily damage your own relationship with him in the attempt to get this thing fixed. But at the same time, the longer it goes on the more damaged YOU are, so it needs as fast a remedy as possible so that your resentment is resolvable. Let go too long and it becomes unresolvable and becomes a source of triggers in the relationship. So, It may be as simple as sitting them both down and letting them know together "Look, I love you both very much, but this situation is out of balance. I want to take good care of my husband and family and you both are taking that joy out of my hands and I want that joy in my hands. I would like to ask both of you to allow me the right to experience the joy of taking care of my own family as the woman that I am. I didn't know how else to approach this and not hurt either of your, so I wanted to make sure you know this is not coming from a place of wanting to hurt either of you in anyway, I just want my joy allowed to me and to ask you both to refrain from taking it away from me. Is this something you can do?"

THEN if they balk.... go hard line... but try soft first.
 
  • Like
Reactions: goodlife1

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
Anyway. Your husband is a HUGE mommy's boy and needs to tell his mother to butt the hell out of your marriage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,341 Posts
I guess I'm odd compared to the rest of you, because if the shoe was on the other foot, and I had a MIL who wanted to feed my family 5 days a week I'd probably take it and not spend any money on food lol. Take the money I saved on food budget and use it on something fun with the W.

Then again, I came from a family that constantly had each other over for dinner, and whoever hosted always sent people home with a couple days worth of leftovers.

OP, if you want a tactful way to get rid of the food without throwing it out, why not just have some friends or family (or the MIL) over for a night, and feed it to them. You get to have fun with other people, you get to rid your house of the extra food, and you can cook for your H the next day.

I've got an aunt and uncle who always want to cook for me when I visit, and they always try to give me a week's worth of leftovers. I just invite friends to have some, or invite my neighbors to share in it. Turn something you didn't want into an asset to forge stronger relationships with other people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,323 Posts
I guess I'm odd compared to the rest of you, because if the shoe was on the other foot, and I had a MIL who wanted to feed my family 5 days a week I'd probably take it and not spend any money on food lol. Take the money I saved on food budget and use it on something fun with the W.

Then again, I came from a family that constantly had each other over for dinner, and whoever hosted always sent people home with a couple days worth of leftovers.

OP, if you want a tactful way to get rid of the food without throwing it out, why not just have some friends or family (or the MIL) over for a night, and feed it to them. You get to have fun with other people, you get to rid your house of the extra food, and you can cook for your H the next day.

I've got an aunt and uncle who always want to cook for me when I visit, and they always try to give me a week's worth of leftovers. I just invite friends to have some, or invite my neighbors to share in it. Turn something you didn't want into an asset to forge stronger relationships with other people.
Love this idea.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,086 Posts
I guess I'm odd compared to the rest of you, because if the shoe was on the other foot, and I had a MIL who wanted to feed my family 5 days a week I'd probably take it and not spend any money on food lol. Take the money I saved on food budget and use it on something fun with the W.

Then again, I came from a family that constantly had each other over for dinner, and whoever hosted always sent people home with a couple days worth of leftovers.

OP, if you want a tactful way to get rid of the food without throwing it out, why not just have some friends or family (or the MIL) over for a night, and feed it to them. You get to have fun with other people, you get to rid your house of the extra food, and you can cook for your H the next day.

I've got an aunt and uncle who always want to cook for me when I visit, and they always try to give me a week's worth of leftovers. I just invite friends to have some, or invite my neighbors to share in it. Turn something you didn't want into an asset to forge stronger relationships with other people.
Yah I was sort of going to suggest coming up with a creative solution that does not involve being combative with the MIL. If this is the only issue, try to find a way to accept it. I love your ideas.
 
1 - 20 of 30 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top