[HmaeC]

What’s the best way to deal with the MIL and baby mama being best friends and making you feel like an outsider?

I have two step kids (9 and 10, boy and girl) and we had our first baby together in 2020. The MIL is very involved in the step kids lives and made it clear that she created a relationship their mother to stay involved in their lives. Yet makes no efforts to be in our lives (including her new grand child). It really infuriates me as a new mother who thinks the world of her new baby. How can she make such an effort for every other grand child but not him???
I’ve tried to reach out to her. I’ve tried to invite her to things to work on a relationship and NOTHING. It definitely feels like every chance they get they choose to hurt my feelings.
I’ve done nothing but care for my step kids as if they were my own. They love and adore me and I do the same for them.
I just don’t know what to do at this point to try to have a relationship with his mother. I’ve been married before and know that family can come in between marriage and feeling this is happening (possibly on purpose from his mother and baby mama).


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[joannacroc]

I'm unclear as to whether you are the mother or father of the new baby? And whose mother is the MIL? Your husband/wife's? Your XH/XW? How long have you been together and how long have the stepkids lived with y?

 

[DallasCowboyFan]

Focus on what you can control. Love your husband and your child and be the best stepmother you can be. Control what you can control. Either your MIL will eventually come to her senses or your child will have better relationships with other family members than with her. Don't dwell on what you can't change. A happy marriage and a new baby are wonderful things, don't let her influence mess up your happiness

 

[HmaeC]

I’m the mother.
So my husbands mother is besties with his baby mama. Which shouldn’t be a problem ...
We’ve been together 3 years.
We’ve had the kids 50/50 for about a year now.


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[Diana7]

What’s the best way to deal with the MIL and baby mama being best friends and making you feel like an outsider?

I have two step kids (9 and 10, boy and girl) and we had our first baby together in 2020. The MIL is very involved in the step kids lives and made it clear that she created a relationship their mother to stay involved in their lives. Yet makes no efforts to be in our lives (including her new grand child). It really infuriates me as a new mother who thinks the world of her new baby. How can she make such an effort for every other grand child but not him???
I’ve tried to reach out to her. I’ve tried to invite her to things to work on a relationship and NOTHING. It definitely feels like every chance they get they choose to hurt my feelings.
I’ve done nothing but care for my step kids as if they were my own. They love and adore me and I do the same for them.
I just don’t know what to do at this point to try to have a relationship with his mother. I’ve been married before and know that family can come in between marriage and feeling this is happening (possibly on purpose from his mother and baby mama).


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Can you tell us why the marriage ended? Was there an affair? I suspect there is a reason for how she is acting and maybe you arent telling us the whole story? When did he and his first partner/wife spilt up?
What does your husband say about his mother and why she is acting this way?

 

[HmaeC]

Can you tell us why the marriage ended? Was there an affair? I suspect there is a reason for how she is acting and maybe you arent telling us the whole story? When did he and his first partner/wife spilt up?
What does your husband say about his mother and why she is acting this way?

They were never married. They were together while they were young. Bothe his mother and baby mama said he’s cheated. He said he hasn’t. So I’m not really sure- they seemed to have put those issues behind them and become like “brother and sister” in her words.

A little more background, I dated my husband before she met him and left him to marry someone else. When that marriage ended he was there and we fell in love. I had been “friends” with her via social media the entire time and just never thought anything of it.
So we got along at first. She would even say how she appreciated what I did for the kids and seemed to help my husband step up more. Things seemed to fall apart when a family event happened and I voiced I was uncomfortable as it seemed she did not want to speak to me there, I “felt” she was making it known she belonged there and I was temporary. That was right after we became engaged. I spoke with her about it first and seemed she cared. But right after that came to get the kids from me to go hang out with his mom (which I only found out due to pictures in social media). I was not invited. And many of these situations have happened. I tried to ignore but have definitely voiced my hurt too.
His mother said she thinks I just “hate her” because she likes his baby mom. And I’ve tried to tell her that’s not true. I’m just not comfortable with her always being at all family events.
It almost seems they’re trying to purposely hurt me, and I’m starting to feel like it’s because they just don’t want him with anyone.

My end fear is that if we ever have marital problems and he tries to confide in his mother his ex will be there too and they will only make things worse.


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[GC1234]

What’s the best way to deal with the MIL and baby mama being best friends and making you feel like an outsider?

I have two step kids (9 and 10, boy and girl) and we had our first baby together in 2020. The MIL is very involved in the step kids lives and made it clear that she created a relationship their mother to stay involved in their lives. Yet makes no efforts to be in our lives (including her new grand child). It really infuriates me as a new mother who thinks the world of her new baby. How can she make such an effort for every other grand child but not him???
I’ve tried to reach out to her. I’ve tried to invite her to things to work on a relationship and NOTHING. It definitely feels like every chance they get they choose to hurt my feelings.
I’ve done nothing but care for my step kids as if they were my own. They love and adore me and I do the same for them.
I just don’t know what to do at this point to try to have a relationship with his mother. I’ve been married before and know that family can come in between marriage and feeling this is happening (possibly on purpose from his mother and baby mama).


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I personally don't think it's your job to do this at all. This is your husband/significant other's job. How do you think they are hurting you? Also, I suggest not harping on it, because people like that don't deserve good people at all. I would just focus on my life and my family, NOT them. Let your husband deal with it. Don't waste your energy trying to force people into your life.

 

[GC1234]

I’m just not comfortable with her always being at all family events.

Also, she has no right to be at family events, the children do, but not her. Your husband needs to step up and ensure she is not invited. Is he willing to do that?

 

[HmaeC]

I personally don't think it's your job to do this at all. This is your husband/significant other's job. How do you think they are hurting you? Also, I suggest not harping on it, because people like that don't deserve good people at all. I would just focus on my life and my family, NOT them. Let your husband deal with it. Don't waste your energy trying to force people into your life.

He doesn’t seem to get bothered or he at least doesn’t let it bother him. Which I guess that’s great but it hurts me (too much) to think she has a relationship with all her grand kids and step grandkids and my child doesn’t seem to matter. Yes he has plenty of others to love him. So I’m happy for that. But what happens when he’s older and his siblings bring up time with their grandma and he questions why he isn’t apart of that?


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[HmaeC]

Also, she has no right to be at family events, the children do, but not her. Your husband needs to step up and ensure she is not invited. Is he willing to do that?

He’s tried to express nicely, harshly and many times he doesn’t want her there. Even before I was in the picture. I just don’t think he has stood his ground enough and now maybe it’s just too late.
It seems she has “chosen” the baby mama over us. Instead of just having a relationship with her and us separately.


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[GC1234]

He doesn’t seem to get bothered or he at least doesn’t let it bother him. Which I guess that’s great but it hurts me (too much) to think she has a relationship with all her grand kids and step grandkids and my child doesn’t seem to matter. Yes he has plenty of others to love him. So I’m happy for that. But what happens when he’s older and his siblings bring up time with their grandma and he questions why he isn’t apart of that?


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Well, he needs to respect your feelings. What does he say to the fact that they leave you out of things? That's definitely not ok, and a way for them to get at you.

 

[GC1234]

He’s tried to express nicely, harshly and many times he doesn’t want her there. Even before I was in the picture. I just don’t think he has stood his ground enough and now maybe it’s just too late.
It seems she has “chosen” the baby mama over us. Instead of just having a relationship with her and us separately.


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Well, no, it's never too late. At least he has tried to stop it. So here's what I think, if she shows up, neither of you have to go to the event, until his mother or any other family member sees that you mean business. Let's see if they rethink inviting her.

 

[HmaeC]

Well, he needs to respect your feelings. What does he say to the fact that they leave you out of things? That's definitely not ok, and a way for them to get at you.

He says he cannot control others actions. He doesn’t think it should hurt my feelings because he “doesn’t care to be around them”. But he does sit there and text his mom and have a relationship with her. So it feels like he wants to keep her in the family and exclude me. But I just don’t understand why he would marry me if that were the case ...


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[HmaeC]

Well, no, it's never too late. At least he has tried to stop it. So here's what I think, if she shows up, neither of you have to go to the event, until his mother or any other family member sees that you mean business. Let's see if they rethink inviting her.

So we decided to do that .... they just don’t invite us and only invite her. For one holiday they asked him to come alone to spend time with his other kids and that I just didn’t need to be there ....
another holiday I ended up inviting her to try to extend peace and hope that she would do the same. Well she didn’t. The next holiday she just bluntly said she didn’t need to spend time with either of us and would drop the gift she got the kids off at our house as we were the only ones with space for it.


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[GC1234]

He says he cannot control others actions. He doesn’t think it should hurt my feelings because he “doesn’t care to be around them”. But he does sit there and text his mom and have a relationship with her. So it feels like he wants to keep her in the family and exclude me. But I just don’t understand why he would marry me if that were the case ...


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He doesn't get to have a say in what hurts your feelings and what doesn't. My husband does this too. You can read my past posts if you want to. We also have similar problems. We've come a long way though, and part of that was acknowledging how I feel. It took him until recently to do that.

 

[pastasauce79]

Personally, I wouldn't care.

You can't force people to like you. If your mil doesn't spend time with your child, that's her loss. I wouldn't beg her to love me or my child.

My husband has had a few step mothers. He's got an excellent relationship with his first stepmother. His mom has never been jealous of this relationship. We make plans for Christmas or Thanksgiving day, sometimes with his mom, sometimes with his stepmom. Neither one gets offended.

I'd rather get sincere love and appreciation than forced love because we are related.

 

[HmaeC]

Personally, I wouldn't care.

You can't force people to like you. If your mil doesn't spend time with your child, that's her loss. I wouldn't beg her to love me or my child.

My husband has had a few step mothers. He's got an excellent relationship with his first stepmother. His mom has never been jealous of this relationship. We make plans for Christmas or Thanksgiving day, sometimes with his mom, sometimes with his stepmom. Neither one gets offended.

I'd rather get sincere love and appreciation than forced love because we are related.

You are right. I shouldn’t try to force a relationship with her, I am sure once my child is older she will try to have a relationship then when his siblings can take him back and forth...
I just really wish I knew why she doesn’t care to have one with me at all. What I did so wrong.
Curse of overthinking I guess.


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[Diana7]

Its always a very difficult situation for grandparents when people split up, especially when the in laws have a very good relationship with the Sil or Dil. Maybe she feels that she cant be close to both of you, and so chooses one of you. As she says she does't want to loose that contact with the grandchildren who have been around for many years, and so many times that can happen when grandparents loose that precious contact with their grandchildren.
If they are now like brother and sister and get on well, then is it such an awful thing that she is invited to things? Can't you both be happy and accept that and all go for the childrens sakes?
As for the cheating, its unlikely that a mother would say her son cheated if he didnt, so he may be lying.

Just carry on doing your best. Maybe it would help if you all sat down together and talked this while thing out and go to the bottom of why it is the way it is.

 

[HmaeC]

Its always a very difficult situation for grandparents when people split up, especially when the in laws have a very good relationship with the Sil or Dil. Maybe she feels that she cant be close to both of you, and so chooses one of you. As she says she does't want to loose that contact with the grandchildren who have been around for many years, and so many times that can happen when grandparents loose that precious contact with their grandchildren.
If they are now like brother and sister and get on well, then is it such an awful thing that she is invited to things? Can't you both be happy and accept that and all go for the childrens sakes?
As for the cheating, its unlikely that a mother would say her son cheated if he didnt, so he may be lying.

Just carry on doing your best. Maybe it would help if you all sat down together and talked this while thing out and go to the bottom of why it is the way it is.

I would understand her fear to lose contact but we have them 50/50. So she can still see them when they’re with us.
I really thought we would all get along. But then there seemed to be a falling out that seemed to only crush me and exclude me from everything.
Now after all that’s been said and done I don’t think I can be comfortable around them anymore.
I’m not really sure how to turn it around.
I agree there should be a group discussion but no one else seems to want to do that. We had one small discussion after the family event that went sour but it was my husband saying he didn’t want her at family events anymore and my mother in law saying that won’t happen and me and her husband sitting in silence.


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[Affaircare]

@HmaeC ,

Maybe I'm missing something, but I just don't get it. This is your husband's mother. She would rather "hang out" with the baby mama than her own son and his new wife and new baby. Okay... then let her hang out with the step-kids and baby mama when she has them. Don't invite her to holidays, etc. just have your own family (you, hubby, step-kids and new kids) at your home and celebrate the way you (your family) wants to celebrate.

See...baby mama and MIL can pal it up all they want, and THEY can put up their own tree, cook their own Easter dinner, and bake their own birthday cake. Let 'em! It's no skin off your nose. Then you and your family--including her own son--can put up YOUR OWN TREE, and cook your own Easter dinner, and have your own birthday parties. Let her do whatever she's gonna do with baby mama. The cost is that she'll miss sharing life with her own son, his new wife, and any new grand-children. Her problem...not yours. Just remind yourself: "Not my circus...not my monkeys"