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Oh no, I'm talking short term plan. Within the next couple of days while my kids are at their mother's house anyway, and her kids are at their father's house. I already have a place to go and stay for a bit.
I'm sorry that it came to this, but I'm happy you're taking this step.

Considering how explosive she can get, you need to protect yourself from her making crazy claims. Record all interactions with her(*). Get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and keep it on you at all times. Get a phone recording app. Try to keep all communication through text or email. I would not be surprised if she falsely claims you hit her and tries to get a restraining order on you. I also would not be surprised if she tries to hit or throw something at you. It would probably be safest to have the initial conversation with her over the phone where you can record it and she can't get to you.

(*) Recording laws vary from state-to-state. Some states are "one party", which means you are allowed to secretly record conversations you are part of. Other states are "two party", which means that everyone recorded needs to know. If you are in a one party state, you can record her without her knowing. But if you're in a two party state, you'll have to tell her you're recording all interactions with her.
 

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Discussion Starter #83
So...update. I couldn't wait to get home to tell her. I know I'm a s***** person for doing this, but I told her over our IM system sitting here at work that I'm going to move out tonight. The kids aren't home and it'll be just me and her and I go there and grab some things to bring with me after work. She's begging me and begging me to change my mind but I am going to stand strong.
 

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So...update. I couldn't wait to get home to tell her. I know I'm a s***** person for doing this, but I told her over our IM system sitting here at work that I'm going to move out tonight. The kids aren't home and it'll be just me and her and I go there and grab some things to bring with me after work. She's begging me and begging me to change my mind but I am going to stand strong.
Save the IM's some place safe. It would be better if she wasn't there when you got your stuff. It is certain there is going to be high emotions when she sees you. Get your stuff when she's at work or something to avoid the confrontation.
 

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Discussion Starter #85
Save the IM's some place safe. It would be better if she wasn't there when you got your stuff. It is certain there is going to be high emotions when she sees you. Get your stuff when she's at work or something to avoid the confrontation.
She works from home. She will be there because she wants to talk about it, which means she wants to talk me out of leaving. The next time she will be out of the house for sure is Thursday.
 

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That is the exact behavior I get. The pouting, the displeasure, the crabbiness. Not outright saying I can't or she doesn't want me to, but everything else tells me, without a doubt.

I had a conversation with my daughter last night (12) and she told me she wishes we would have moved last fall when I attempted to separate from my wife. I asked her if she'd be happier if it were just her, her brother and I and her answer was yes. So yes, I am getting out. It's just a matter of putting together an exit plan now.
Good for you. You and your children will be so much happier. Usually I want to see everyone's marriage work out if possible, but in this case I'm happy for you that you're getting out! I think you are making the right decision. Especially with your kids involved.
 

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Discussion Starter #87
Good for you. You and your children will be so much happier. Usually I want to see everyone's marriage work out if possible, but in this case I'm happy for you that you're getting out! I think you are making the right decision. Especially with your kids involved.
Thank you for your kids words @WorkingWife I really appreciate it. I know it's going to be hard, but at this point it can't be any harder than life as it is.
 

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Discussion Starter #89
Don't allow her even to touch you.

BTW did she cheat on you as well, if not you are likely avoiding that in your future too.
No contact whatsoever. I'm asking her to leave so I can get some things and she is refusing right now. I might not even go over there tonight if that is true only because of the explosive history.

No, did not cheat on me but history of cheating in her past, multiple times.
 

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No contact whatsoever. I'm asking her to leave so I can get some things and she is refusing right now. I might not even go over there tonight if that is true only because of the explosive history.
You may be able to request a police escort in these kinds of situations. It might seem like overkill, but it would ensure that nothing would happen and would establish that you were worried about how she'd react in case she ever made false claims against you in the future.
 

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Discussion Starter #91
You may be able to request a police escort in these kinds of situations. It might seem like overkill, but it would ensure that nothing would happen and would establish that you were worried about how she'd react in case she ever made false claims against you in the future.
It's absolutely an option and I'm not afraid to do that if it comes down to it.
 

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Whats the situation with your kids and your ex? 50/50?

If you have even a middling, positive relationship with ex, just have the kids stay with her while you untie this knot.

I'm operating under the presumption that WHAT you are going to do is no longer a point of discussion. It's just when and how.

What you describe is a toxic train-wreck by anyone's definition. It is unhealthy for you, and EXTRAORDINARILY damaging to your children. Get them out at the very least.
 

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have to agree with whoever suggested a police escort, especially since you already called the police on her before and she has a record.

Given the way she treats you with contempt now and the past cheating, you were in for a world of torment when she relapses.
 

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A big one is that I don't want to hurt her. Second is I'm scared of putting my kids through another big life change, like I said earlier. Third, I guess there is a fear of being a failure and that stigma that goes along with being twice divorced.
Just reading this now. We didn't have kids but those two other reasons are why it took me years to get out of my marriage. Hell, not wanting to hurt him is why I married him in the first place when I knew deep down I was never going to be happy. FINALLY, I asked myself - is my life supposed to be a sacrifice to someone else's happiness? I'm literally staying unhappily married to a man because I don't want HIM to be embarrassed by divorce?

And I'm worried what will people think that this is my second divorce? I was talking to my main boyfriend from before I got married and I told him I was embarrassed to be divorced twice and he bust out laughing and said "I think there are more important things to be embarrassed by in life." And I realized -- it's true. I have friends, family and business associates with multiple divorces behind them and I don't think anything less of them. I care about them and I just want them to be happy.

What is the saying? Those who care don't matter, and those who matter don't care.
 

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She's begging me and begging me to change my mind but I am going to stand strong.
Good for you. A couple tips on "standing strong" - don't give her concrete examples and reasons, because any detail you give is something she can grab hold of to try to spin to talk you out of it. Say things she can't argue with: I'm just not happy. I'm stressed all the time. This just doesn't feel right. My children are not themselves (even that might be too much detail) but just repeating "This isn't working for me." "I'm sorry but I'm just not happy." "I need time and space to think." If she comes back at you with "But blah blah blah" say "That isn't how I feel." or "That isn't what I want."

Good luck.

PS, given the circumstances I think the IM was fine. The only drawback is that it gives her time to think and plot of how to try to change your mind. But what's important is that you're doing it, not the exact communication medium.
 

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Discussion Starter #97
Well folks, I’m out of the house. I went and grabbed some bags full of clothes, necessary items and left. She had a girlfriend over so I didn’t have to talk to her, which was good. After I left, I sent her a text message asking her to transfer half of the balances of our shared bank accounts to my account and she told me she will not being doing that. I’m not sure how that works...maybe somebody can fill me in on what I should do there. Otherwise, I’m out. I’m somewhere safe where I can lay my head for a bit.
 

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Discussion Starter #99
She's begging me and begging me to change my mind but I am going to stand strong.
Good for you. A couple tips on "standing strong" - don't give her concrete examples and reasons, because any detail you give is something she can grab hold of to try to spin to talk you out of it. Say things she can't argue with: I'm just not happy. I'm stressed all the time. This just doesn't feel right. My children are not themselves (even that might be too much detail) but just repeating "This isn't working for me." "I'm sorry but I'm just not happy." "I need time and space to think." If she comes back at you with "But blah blah blah" say "That isn't how I feel." or "That isn't what I want."

Good luck.

PS, given the circumstances I think the IM was fine. The only drawback is that it gives her time to think and plot of how to try to change your mind. But what's important is that you're doing it, not the exact communication medium.
She spent most of the day talking me into coming over and talking it all out. I kept giving her those canned type answers you’re talking about @WorkingWife and it seemed to go ok doing that.
 

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After I left, I sent her a text message asking her to transfer half of the balances of our shared bank accounts to my account and she told me she will not being doing that.
I'm glad it all worked out without incident. I'm sure her girlfriend being there helped, as she didn't want to embarrass herself in front of her. But keep a VAR on you at all times since there's no telling what will happen in the future.

Is there a reason she has to move the money? If it's a shared account, I would expect that you could do the transfer yourself. She is not going to be cooperative for these kinds of requests, so don't even ask if you can do it yourself.

Keep in mind that debts are still shared, so make sure payments for house, cars, and whatever else are still being made. Even if you have to pay 100%, do it. Any imbalance in payments should be taken into consideration by the judge during the asset separation of the divorce.
 
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