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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hello all, I'm new to this site and am hoping so much that it can answer some of my many questions.

My name is Joe and I am 26.

Alright, lets get some background on my current relationship.

I am dating a girl (23 yrs old) who I have known for a very long time. We started "fooling around" about 4 - 5 months ago for the first time. When we first started dating she made it clear that she didn't want anything serious and I sort of agreed. (A short while after we started hanging out I wanted more.)

Well, in the beginning all she did was act like a ***** basically. Flirting with everybody, not caring if she hurt me or not and just general disrespect.

Now on to more relevant things. During the time when she was acting like a ***** she wanted to go out to the bar with some work friends, one if which was a "ex-boyfriend". (She was fooling around with him and he is married with kids.) Well, while we were there she gets trashed and goes and sits down next to him. They whisper back and forth for a while and then I look under the table and notice she has her leg over his! And then she was rubbing his leg. I know she had said she didn't want anything serious but that was B.S. So, anyways I confronted her on that and she lied about it of course and I was mad about that for a long time.

Well, eventually she straightens out and says shes in love with me and wants to be with me. And everything goes great for the most part with no major issues. Until last night. She says her ex wanted to go hang out at the bar after work and wanted to know if we would come. (She works with him, hes the manager...) So, she asks me and I say "No, I really don't want to go." and she starts pouting about it, continually asking me to go. Eventually I give in. And she say's "If you want to leave, just say something and we will go." Okay...

We go.

We get there around 6 or so and start talking and drinking some beers and playing pool. Around 8:30 I say we should be leaving soon and she just glances at me, smiles and turns back towards the pool table. So, I'm just like "wtf was that?"...

So, whatever we stay longer. After a while I notice shes just slamming beers. I tell her she should slow down and I get the same glance / smile and nothing.... So, she of course, gets trashed. Not falling over trashed but good enough.

I ended up getting in a fight with a guy that was talking to her, not about talking to her, but he was trashed and told to leave and he started swearing about his jacket, I told him I would get his jacket and he was like "**** you". I said it back of course and he comes at me, I wrap him up in a headlock, its over.

After that big drama, I was like "let's go" and she said hold on. I said, no lets go now. I walk out and she grabs me and says something so I say "You got 30 seconds." I wait for about 2 minutes, she doesn't come out, I leave. Well, I drive to the stop light about 1/4 mile down the road and turn around. By the time I get back she was gone with her ex. She "got a ride home" from him. I sat at the bar for about 5 more minutes and then leave to go to her house. I try to call her the whole time, no answer. (she said her phone died so who knows. I guess it was dead, but at the time I didn't know.) Well... I get home and shes not frikkin there. About 5-10 minutes later she roll's up. (it takes about 20 minutes to get home from the bar. She leaves about 5 minutes before I actually leave town and comes back about 10 minutes after I do. And I think it's odd that she leaves in the 2-3 minutes I was gone. It's like she was just waiting for me to leave.)

I ask "what the hell took so long?" and she said he turned the wrong way. Well, how the hell does he go the wrong way when she's there telling him where to go? Anyways, she says nothing happened and I don't believe her at all. I don't trust her. She did too much crazy stuff in the beginning and lost that trust.

She has lied to me before about some pretty major stuff but not often. I love the girl to death but I can't handle all this crap. I get jealous easily but I don't usually say or do anything about it unless it really bothers me.I shouldn't have to deal with it all the time.

How should I deal with these kind of situations where I think she is doing something and just might be? Am I doing the right thing by confronting her whenever I see something I think is wrong? Please give me some advice other than "Just leave her". I get that from everyone else. :p

Thanks for any help.
 

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DUmp her. She is cheating on you if not physically the emotionally. You deserve better. She never wanted anything seriously because she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. You can only do that with two cakes.

draconis
 

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You remind me of the song by the Offspring. "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?"

Okay. You don't want to be told to leave her. Even though you aren't being seen as important in her life (which is why she doesn't listen to you or respect your feelings) and she is probably losing respect for you because she can do whatever she wants and you wait for her.

Invest in protection. If she is seeing other people you need to make sure you're covered disease-wise/pregnancy-wise. Stop going with her to places where you know she's going to get drunk, flirt with other guys and ignore you. Make other plans to hang out with friends or family. And lastly, as for confronting her on suspicious behavior...I wouldn't. You don't believe what she tells you and she will continue her behavior regardless of your feelings on the subject so...you've just got to decide if this is the type of relationship you want to continue to have with her.

It's not going to change if she doesn't want it to. And she has no real reason to change.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I just don't get it though.

If she says she wants to be with me forever and loves me more than anyone she's ever been with, then why would she act otherwise? Is it just to get me to stick around?

I treat her great other than the fact that I am protective / controlling of her and she has told me I've treated her better than anyone she's been with before. I don't like the way guys talk to her because I know how guys are. I've been the guy in the bar talking to the girls telling them "Don't worry about your boyfriend..." So I know what they are thinking.

I just don't see why she gets so mad over something when I know what the other guy is thinking. He doesn't care if me and her are together, I know I didn't care if a girl had a boyfriend when I was single, I would still try to get as far as I could. She just doesn't see it that way.

And after I got home yesterday she was mad about me always asking what a guy said that was talking to her. I told her I just want to know just to make me feel better and she thinks I shouldn't "have to" ask all the time. I really don't want to break up with her, but I don't want to be so damn stressed all the time when we got out and I have to worry about what so and so is saying when I'm not there, or hell, even when I am there.
 

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I just don't get it though.

If she says she wants to be with me forever and loves me more than anyone she's ever been with, then why would she act otherwise? Is it just to get me to stick around?

I treat her great other than the fact that I am protective / controlling of her and she has told me I've treated her better than anyone she's been with before. I don't like the way guys talk to her because I know how guys are. I've been the guy in the bar talking to the girls telling them "Don't worry about your boyfriend..." So I know what they are thinking.

I just don't see why she gets so mad over something when I know what the other guy is thinking. He doesn't care if me and her are together, I know I didn't care if a girl had a boyfriend when I was single, I would still try to get as far as I could. She just doesn't see it that way.

And after I got home yesterday she was mad about me always asking what a guy said that was talking to her. I told her I just want to know just to make me feel better and she thinks I shouldn't "have to" ask all the time. I really don't want to break up with her, but I don't want to be so damn stressed all the time when we got out and I have to worry about what so and so is saying when I'm not there, or hell, even when I am there.
Can you live the rest of your life like this? If the answer is no then it is time to move on. You can't change how she is no matter how hard you try to.

draconis
 

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You deserve better. She is dancing around her real issues and making you feel insecure rather than facing the truth.
 

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If she says she wants to be with me forever and loves me more than anyone she's ever been with, then why would she act otherwise? Is it just to get me to stick around?
My opinion, yes. If she loves you more than anyone else she's ever been with, I pity the other guys. If someone loves you they don't ignore your feelings and hang around with other people that make you angry. They don't act secretive when you want to know things about their life. They try to alleviate your stress and worry--NOT cause it!

I don't like the way guys talk to her because I know how guys are. I've been the guy in the bar talking to the girls telling them "Don't worry about your boyfriend..." So I know what they are thinking.
Girls aren't as naive and innocent as you seem to think. When a guy says "don't worry about your boyfriend" there is no woman on the planet that thinks "oh I think he wants to go to my place to play tea-party."

I'm going to be honest with you. Some girls crave male attention. They like people being attracted to them and reject the idea of a man just wanting sex for it's own sake because that would mean the girl herself was not special. I wonder if she rejects the idea that guys are only after one thing because it slightly bruises her ego (oh they're not like that usually--just when they're around me). And of course she's mad at you! You make things difficult by asking all these questions and she's probably sick of making up stuff to tell you.

You do deserve better than this. When you date someone that actually loves you and puts you first you're going to wonder why you didn't get out of this relationship sooner.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
You do deserve better than this. When you date someone that actually loves you and puts you first you're going to wonder why you didn't get out of this relationship sooner.
I know. It's confusing the hell out of me though cuz she WAS putting me first up until recently. She just decided that she wasn't happy trying to change how she responds to men that hit on her.

She does like the attention, I know that, but I just don't see how getting other male attention no matter how small is more important than our relationship together. I don't know. All I do know is I'm falling apart when I'm not around her. I'm sitting her at work feeling like I'm being suffocated. It's horrible. I just wish I could get it through her head what's right.

Thanks for all your help.
 

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If you have no trust, what is there in the relationship? In my experience, actual love is built on mutual trust. If you can't trust her fidelity now, you may end up questioning it forever. My advice would be to sever the relationship, because it is obviously unhealthy for you.
 
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