A few months ago (August and September) I caught my wife emailing a co-worker and calls were made etc. I posted on the form here and followed the advice but the trail went cold. My wife left that company in August and went to a CPA firm to work. Her co-worker that I highly suspected was having a EA if not a PA with my wife moved to Seattle with his wife who got a new job up there. I have had a digital recorder in my wife's car and did pick up a couple of short conversations in late October but nothing damaging. It seems like they pulled back.
Then BAM. I received in the mail two DVD's and a link to thre movies online. They'd be consider porn but its my wife making very passionate love to a guy that sure looks like her co-worker (quality is bad and you only see his face four times as my wife is on top, back to the camera). Well, in the movie you can see a woman from her back (never see her face) making love to a man. The DVD's came from Portland Oregon and one is images put into Movie Maker of the couple making love and the second apologizes for not getting a face shot but then goes through and with images of my wife naked in our bathroom (I assume through his cam) and then compares the hair, the shoulders, her fingers, her ears from behind from the movies where the man is making love to my wife at what I assume is his home to the images from one of the movies of my wife in our bedroom and bathroom, after taking a shower with the man, and then hanging up her towel. These images show her from behind and are zoomed in close to give a good comparison from the movies and pictures that were taken from the man's bedroom. I have to say, the guy convinces me that the woman in the movie making love to him (he claims to be the man and says he is doing this to make my wife choose who she is going to be with, to give her her freedom since she won't choose) is my wife.
So, I have stronger evidence of them now having a PA, to be honest, I am convinced. I haven't confronted my wife yet, though I think she suspects because I just can't bring myself to touch her or for her to touch me right now. How do I confront? On Monday's we drive down to a city for her to teach piano and I am thinking on the hour drive back I am going to ask her if she is hiding something from me.
Where am I personally? Hurt, very very hurt (been married for 25 years) and a week ago we had a couple where the wife had had a two year affair and it came out when her husband caught her at the lover's house (the video links the guy sent me are dated back to January 2010 and August 2011 and June 2012) and my wife brought it up. I asked her what she thought (we both feel if your that unhappy to have an affair you owe to the person your married to to be honest and end the marriage and then move forward with your life. Seems that's a lie) and she said the woman should have left and then got real quiet about it. In the past, my wife has been adamant about no fooling around. Oh, remember, we've been sexless for 3.5 years supposedly because of her health issues. Now I am certain that is about the time the affair started and my wife won't have sex with me and with her lover (she's a one man at a time gal).
I'm lost and rambling so I'll end asking for advice. Do I confront her and let her know someone as the guy didn't name himself as her co-worker sent me video that shows her having sex with a lover? Do I move out? I'm 47 going on 48 in a few months and thought my wife and I would grow old together making love until we got too old and being together. I am so betrayed. On top of it our son is leaving in January for a long period to serve in our church (kids are 19, 20 in March and 18, 19 in April). My son is very religious, I feel I have a good balance of religious and reality but my wife who use to be religious, has quit participating and makes excuses for not going. Let me state also though, that I know there is usually blame for both members of the relationship and I can accept my responsibility and am pretty aware of what I've done. On the other coin, having a 3 year sexual affair is A LOT different in my book than have a fling for say 3 months. This is a choice and evidently her actions show that she prefers the other married man to me. Another part of me and knowing my wife I could see this, says she got her sexual satisfaction from him and doesn't want to end the marriage financially (I made a bundle in the tech boom of the mid to late 1990's and yes, if she cheated, I will bury her and yes, I have spoken to my lawyer and I am moving assets and that process has started. I have mine, and my wife has her inheritance from her parents which is hers and we handle our investments for each separate from each other while our salaries pay our bills and mortgage), nor does she want to end our relationship for some weird reason or have a negative impact on the family.
I do know one thing, I will be okay after I work through this (I have to believe this). I endured a alcoholic and schezophranic mother at 17 and 18 after my father died, and though I think this challenge will equal that in terms of difficulty, I learned rom that experience, if it truly doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger and I will come out a better person .
I'm a strong enough person to know that if she has done this, it is in the end a choice she made and is responsible for her choices. I've asked for 5 years to go to counseling and she has refused (I have been going on and off for 2 years and will be heading back next Monday). So what is your advice? Oh, I do have a GPS tracker on her car and Google Latitude and for 2.5 months nothing outside of work and home or with me on it. I keep the GPS and digital recorder taped under the seat for a LONG while. I guess in rambling I need to
1. Contact my attorney on Friday (he told me to if something came up).
2. Make sure my assets are secure and she cannot touch them.
3. Do I need further proof or do I confront and how?
4. Conditions I need to stay in the relationship are:
a) All contact with the co-worker ends, period. She tells him with me on the phone its over and no more contact.
b) Counseling, we both attend and we share equally in the costs insurance won't pick up after 12 visits.
c) My wife as a CPA has handled our bills but now I handle the cell phone bill and other bills.
d) Decide if the marriage is worth saving and is this what I want? Even more importantly I would have to know this is what she wants. Then comes forgiveness because I do feel very strongly, that I have to forgive for me, not for her. I will have to forgive even if we divorce because I feel it frees me (not from changing what caused it, but frees me from the bitterness, hate and anger that can destroy a life after such an event). What else, I'm not sure. Advice is welcome.
